I Need Help

[Loki151]

Good Morning Everyone,

 

So, this is my first time reaching out, but I am at a loss for what to do.

 

Here is a little backstory, I am 27, married 5 years, with a 3 year old son. My wife and I have been through some rough patches, but we love eachother very much. When we were dating, my wife worked a full time job, I went into the military, we got married, and she moved to my duty station. At that point she stopped working completely, and hasn't gotten a job since. She has wanted to be a stay at home mom, and I have let her do what she wants with that.

 

The problem is, we live paycheck to paycheck. I work a good job, I try to keep us on a budget, but our bills are high due to the state we live in. We are unable to put anything into savings, much less anything towards retirement.

 

I have brought up the idea of me getting a second job on top of my current job. I also go to school full time, but I am willing to work as hard as I need to get money into savings. A savings means family vacations, and a retirement.

 

The issue is, when I bring this up, my wife becomes furious that I wont be home, and I am losing time with her and my son. And she is refusing to get a job herself. I just don't know what to do, or how to get her to see how im looking at things.

 

Any help would be great!

[d0nnivain]

Have you sat down & done the numbers with her? Show her what's coming in, what's going out & ask her where things can be cut. Maybe you have to give up the new car in favor of a used one. Cable & the gym membership has to go. Say bye bye to going out to eat. Use the library not the bookstore or Netflix.

 

If nothing can be cut, ask for her solutions. Clearly you are trying but what is she doing?

 

You will need to factor in the costs of child care into the decision for her to go back to work. If you have to pay $400 per week for child care but she's only making $600 before taxes ($15 hour x 40 hour week) her going back to work doesn't make as much sense.

 

If you are still on active duty look around base for support services to help you with things. You can get budget counseling etc.

[Loki151]

Unfortunately I am no longer active duty, but I am great with budgets, and calculating costs/savings. I have already cut out unnecessary costs like memberships, and cable. I have factored in costs for childcare, and if she is working the same time I am, it isn't worth it. If she or I were to get a job, it would have to be nights, and weekends to make it worth it.

 

Part of the issue is if she asks for something, (orders online, shopping, or she wants to try a new diet) I ask her if its needed, and If its not needed, I say no, or say we really cant get it. This will upset her.

 

In the past when I have asked her to get a job, she has said that there are no jobs out there, and when I have told her that food industry places are hiring, and other stores, as well are hiring, she says that they are below her. When I protest that a job is a job, she wont listen. There also always seems to be an excuse for not getting a job. She got braces about a year and a half ago, and that has been her excuse for not applying anywhere. She is ashamed of having braces at almost 30.

 

Thanks for the help by the way!

[d0nnivain]

She may feel trapped & deprived. She's home with a baby & braces when you are at work. You come home & study. Now you want a 2nd job, which is even more time away from her. Even if you stay home after work & she works, that is still time apart from you. But if you are studying & not fully available to her, it's less of a hardship.

 

Can you try enticing her by identifying something expensive she wants like a vacation then offering to put 1/2 of her earnings toward that if she agrees to save the rest?

[carhill]

Welcome to LS....

 

IMO, follow the training and do what you need to do to keep your family safe and secure. Yep your wife will complain and might even hate you for it, and that's OK. It's part of being a man and leading. You're young but I sense you have a handle on things. Trust yourself to do right by your family.

 

Do either of you have family nearby?

[pepperbird]

In my experience, issues with money can often be solved if both spouses sit down together once a week and go through the household budget. Work together to see whee the money goes, and allocate, even if it's just a small amount, an "allowance" for both of you that can be used for extras. Also, allocate a portion to an "emergency fund".

 

After a few weeks of doing this, she'll have a better understanding of the household finances. She will see for herself where the money goes and how important it is to build savings for an emergency. The two of you will have first hand knowledge that your financial situation is strained, and ask her to work with you to come up with ways of making improvements. If she is willing, and depending on where you live, there may even be retraining/ remployments benefits and other assistance available for spouses of veterans. She could offer to babysit another child during the day etc.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I know very few stay-at-home moms who are not also doing something to help out the family income. There are so many MLM companies out there she could be joining. Some have a bit of an upfront cost, but lots are good opportunities. (No, I don't participate in one).

 

She could also babysit in your home. Even just one child would bring in some decent extra cash.

[stillafool]

Apparently your wife has never heard of sacrificing. You are the only one working to support her being a stay at home mom. She should be looking at ways to save money not buying things online and spending unnecessary money. Her not getting a job because of braces is absolutely ridiculous and a sorry excuse. When you learn how to stand up to her things will get better. Until then you are going to work yourself crazy.

[Mr. Lucky]

She could also babysit in your home. Even just one child would bring in some decent extra cash.

 

This what my wife did when our son was born and we were determined, despite the financial challenges, to have her give up her full-time job and stay home with him. It helped plug the gaps (she watched several kids) and we became quite close with the children and their families.

 

This also overcomes the OP's wife's "no jobs out there" objection...

 

Mr. Lucky

[carhill]

I've noted, lately, a lot of friends chattering on about the 'NextDoor' app/web site. Neighborhood stuff. Probably pretty easy to put out the child care feelers on a deal like that. Good suggestion. IMO, give that a try OP. If everything you suggest or discuss gets shot down then IMO you have another major marital difference on your hands. You're working full-time, going to school and considering a second PT job to help. If you get shot down, ask her for solutions. 'What do you suggest?' Listen.

 

It's unknown whether or not the young lady can focus on the realities of their lifestyle or whether she feels entitled to something else regardless of resources. Since their child depends on stability IMO the person most focused on that stability, right now the H, should lead.

 

I saw the complete opposite as a child where the wife ran the house like the Depression era survivor she was, pinching pennies until the copper flowed out, and dad working two jobs so the family could get through tough times. Different generation, different people. Dad was also military, 5th Italy active duty during the reclaiming of that country in WW2. He knew about hardship and suffering and the value of life, safety and security. I can't imagine but they instilled respect in their leadership. IDK how it'll go for the OP. Best efforts.

[stillafool]

 

I saw the complete opposite as a child where the wife ran the house like the Depression era survivor she was, pinching pennies until the copper flowed out, and dad working two jobs so the family could get through tough times. Different generation, different people. Dad was also military, 5th Italy active duty during the reclaiming of that country in WW2. He knew about hardship and suffering and the value of life, safety and security. I can't imagine but they instilled respect in their leadership. IDK how it'll go for the OP. Best efforts.

 

LOL, Carhill are you my brother? It sounds like we have the same parents.

[Gaeta]

In 2 years your child will be full time in school. Does she plan on going back to work then? She should. There is no need for a stay at home mom with a child at school all day long. If yes then you just need to stretch the elastic for the next 2 years.

[carhill]

LOL, Carhill are you my brother? It sounds like we have the same parents.

The rest of the story, perhaps heartening and perhaps not, was his first wife left him for another guy during the war, and I still have their original correspondence about that, and even one newspaper clipping where, though they named her Marine instead of Norine (her real name), his first wife was interviewed and pictured as a 'war divorcee with two daughters'. Coming from infantry in North Africa, dad moved up to supply in Italy and was often pictured banging away on his Underwood typewriter which he brought home and I still have. He typed some of his letters to his estranged wife on that typewriter.

 

Though he never saw his children again until decades later when they were adults, the good news for the OP I guess is that, if things don't work out now, they can later and dad was married to his death to a lady who was loyal and loving for life, even to the extent of faithfully preserving his legacy and history of his first marriage after he died. Sometimes young marriages don't work out. Hopefully the OP's will.

Edited June 7, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[MuddyFootprints]

Do not get sucked into multilevel marketing, network marketing, or whatever they are calling their reverse funnel plan of recruiting consultant customers these days.

 

That is a recipe for financial disaster.

[standtall]

Dude, you sound like me 15 yrs ago. Now that my kids are older, I am spending more time with them, and I am grateful to have the opportunity.

 

It's a balance. As far as living paycheck to paycheck, you have to get out of that, but at your age, retirement can wait another 10 yrs...10 critical years of child development...don't miss it.

[somanymistakes]

Do not get sucked into multilevel marketing, network marketing, or whatever they are calling their reverse funnel plan of recruiting consultant customers these days.

 

That is a recipe for financial disaster.

 

Agreed, most of them are scams. There are legitimate work-from-home opportunities but if you're not good at investigating the details it's too risky to get into.

 

Still, there are things you can do on your own to make money from home without getting involved in a dodgy company. It's all about figuring out what your skills are, what you have to offer, what other people want. Are you good at mending? You might be able to offer that as a service to others. And so on.