whichwayisup Posted June 7, 2018 Share Posted June 7, 2018 The reason we haven't wed is we were both married twice before. So marriage is kind off limits for both us. This has been discussed and we both feel that way. Interestingly enough when it was discussed she brought it up first and stated her stance as that. Okay, could this be the reason why she is detached and distant from your family and friends? Doesn't want to open her heart to others and get to know them only to lose more people if you two break up? Just a thought to consider. Tell her how you feel and ask her to be honest with you about how she is truly feeling about everything. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted June 7, 2018 Share Posted June 7, 2018 I'm wondering why she feels like she does. Will you have an ex at the events who she doesn't want to meet? Does she fear being left out because everyone else knows each other? Is she shy? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Arty10 Posted June 7, 2018 Author Share Posted June 7, 2018 I'm wondering why she feels like she does. Will you have an ex at the events who she doesn't want to meet? Does she fear being left out because everyone else knows each other? Is she shy? I would have to say yes on both parts. However tables turned I have been put in the same situation with her family and family events where I have been the one meeting the ex and where I have been the one outsider who did not know a soul. Hence the name of title "No consideration". I am looking for the same consideration I gave under the exact same circumstances. Would not any reasonable person just suck it up and go? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Arty10 Posted June 7, 2018 Author Share Posted June 7, 2018 (edited) Okay, could this be the reason why she is detached and distant from your family and friends? Doesn't want to open her heart to others and get to know them only to lose more people if you two break up? Just a thought to consider. Tell her how you feel and ask her to be honest with you about how she is truly feeling about everything. We live on the other side of the country from her family from what I know she is close to her family. Edited June 7, 2018 by Arty10 Fragment sentance Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted June 7, 2018 Share Posted June 7, 2018 I am looking for the same consideration I gave under the exact same circumstances. Would not any reasonable person just suck it up and go? One thing I had to understand early on in our relationship was that my wife and I were good at different things, not the same skill sets. So what might be no-big-deal for you could be a much bigger challenge for her. However, that doesn't mean she shouldn't consider your feelings and go... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Mentor99 Posted June 7, 2018 Share Posted June 7, 2018 I am looking for the same consideration I gave under the exact same circumstances. Would not any reasonable person just suck it up and go? You're not her. Like I said in my previous post, she's doing her best to be happy. Her ideas, thoughts, priorities, etc. are her own, and don't have anything to do with you. You are upset because you feel she should be doing what you want her to do, or even what you would do in that situation. And that means you think your thoughts, ideas, expectations on this subject are more important than hers. That way of thinking tends to doom a lot of relationships. Think of it this way: 1. Do you love her and want her to be happy? If the answer is yes..then.. 2. She is happy when she doesn't have to go to these events. 3. Therefore, you can be happy that she doesn't go because you love her and want to be happy! Now all that being said - it is very possible that this speaks to differences in core values regarding relationships and you might need to end things due to a lack of compatibility, but you can do that from a place of calm acceptance rather than frustration and resentment. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Arty10 Posted June 7, 2018 Author Share Posted June 7, 2018 You're not her. Like I said in my previous post, she's doing her best to be happy. Her ideas, thoughts, priorities, etc. are her own, and don't have anything to do with you. You are upset because you feel she should be doing what you want her to do, or even what you would do in that situation. And that means you think your thoughts, ideas, expectations on this subject are more important than hers. That way of thinking tends to doom a lot of relationships. Think of it this way: 1. Do you love her and want her to be happy? If the answer is yes..then.. 2. She is happy when she doesn't have to go to these events. 3. Therefore, you can be happy that she doesn't go because you love her and want to be happy! Now all that being said - it is very possible that this speaks to differences in core values regarding relationships and you might need to end things due to a lack of compatibility, but you can do that from a place of calm acceptance rather than frustration and resentment. Again Mentor your right..... your advice with caveat is one the I need to follow. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted June 8, 2018 Share Posted June 8, 2018 1. Do you love her and want her to be happy? If the answer is yes..then.. 2. She is happy when she doesn't have to go to these events. 3. Therefore, you can be happy that she doesn't go because you love her and want to be happy! That is too Buddhist for me. It's like telling OP that if acting selfish makes her happy then be happy she's acting selfish. Tons of people do things they don't particularly enjoy to make their partner happy like sitting in a cold arena at 7 am on a Saturday to watch them play hockey, like watching 3 Steven Seagal movies in a row to please their guy, like following her to the dog park when he doesn't give a heck, ...and a million of other example. Being in a relationship is about *giving* not about receiving. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mentor99 Posted June 8, 2018 Share Posted June 8, 2018 It's like telling OP that if acting selfish makes her happy then be happy she's acting selfish. Everybody is always doing things to try to be happy all the time. That's all we do. And everybody is different. The OP can be happy for her happiness (however she achieves that), but it doesn't mean he has to stay with her. He just doesn't have to be upset or angry about the way she is. Tons of people do things they don't particularly enjoy to make their partner happy like sitting in a cold arena at 7 am on a Saturday to watch them play hockey, like watching 3 Steven Seagal movies in a row to please their guy, like following her to the dog park when he doesn't give a heck, ...and a million of other example. Yes tons of people do in fact do that. And I'd suggest compromise is extremely important in having an emotionally healthy, long lasting relationship. But if the OP's partner wouldn't be happy compromising, then the OP is basically putting his happiness over hers. Saying - your happiness doesn't matter to me. That's not good. And again, this can certainly be a deal breaker (it would for many people). I for one need a partner that knows how to compromise. And I've dumped previous partners for not being able to. Being in a relationship is about *giving* not about receiving. Being in a relationship is about a lot of things, but the number one thing is loving your partner which means wanting them to be happy. You *give* because them being happy bring you happiness. When both partners are doing that, the relationship is bound to succeed. Link to post Share on other sites
Rubix Cubed Posted June 25, 2018 Share Posted June 25, 2018 You're not her. Like I said in my previous post, she's doing her best to be happy. Her ideas, thoughts, priorities, etc. are her own, and don't have anything to do with you. You are upset because you feel she should be doing what you want her to do, or even what you would do in that situation. And that means you think your thoughts, ideas, expectations on this subject are more important than hers. That way of thinking tends to doom a lot of relationships. Think of it this way: 1. Do you love her and want her to be happy? If the answer is yes..then.. 2. She is happy when she doesn't have to go to these events. 3. Therefore, you can be happy that she doesn't go because you love her and want to be happy! Now all that being said - it is very possible that this speaks to differences in core values regarding relationships and you might need to end things due to a lack of compatibility, but you can do that from a place of calm acceptance rather than frustration and resentment. I agree with Gaeta. All of this ^ is a flowery way of saying she is self-centered and selfish. Link to post Share on other sites
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