Ex-Girlfriend is thinking about second chance

[OngoingThoughts]

Hi guys,

 

My gf and I broke up 2 weeks ago after 1 year. It wasn't mutual but from her side after quarrels about her drinking habits (which are heavier than mine and which I did not like) and going abroad by herself. Just before the real break up (3 days) she told me she had doubts I told her I knew what went wrong and that I was willing to change that and be less nagging about the drinking & more supportive about her going abroad. Last week we met and talked and she says she feels like she made a rash decision and doubted a lot about it because she still has feelings for me. Though she couldn't tell me if she wanted to get back because she is afraid I won't be able to change my view on her drinking habits & travelling alone. I am still waiting for an answer.

 

Point being: I'm not sure anymore wether to hope she gives me a second chance or not. I do love her and I see my behaviour was ****ty, so I am 100% willing to try and behave better. But I don't think I am the only one that needs to make changes. And I'm not sure if she's in for that.

[d0nnivain]

I think once she's abroad the drinking will increase & you will be even more annoyed.

 

Tell her that you would prefer to stay broken up & revisit the issue when she comes back. Only do this if you will be actively searching for a new GF while she is gone & will be able to handle the idea that she may have romantic adventures or even drunken escapades while she is single & abroad. If you won't be able to handle that just stay apart.

 

I suspect if you start out "together" when she leaves you will end up with a messy, ugly break up while she's gone.

[Beachead]

OP, how long will she be gone for?

[OngoingThoughts]

A month but with family this summer. (Normally not)

We have been texting quite a lot and quite 'normal' the last days. She seems to reply to flirts. So I'm not quite sure what to think anymore.

[BluesPower]

Hi guys,

 

My gf and I broke up 2 weeks ago after 1 year. It wasn't mutual but from her side after quarrels about her drinking habits (which are heavier than mine and which I did not like) and going abroad by herself. Just before the real break up (3 days) she told me she had doubts I told her I knew what went wrong and that I was willing to change that and be less nagging about the drinking & more supportive about her going abroad. Last week we met and talked and she says she feels like she made a rash decision and doubted a lot about it because she still has feelings for me. Though she couldn't tell me if she wanted to get back because she is afraid I won't be able to change my view on her drinking habits & travelling alone. I am still waiting for an answer.

 

Point being: I'm not sure anymore wether to hope she gives me a second chance or not. I do love her and I see my behaviour was ****ty, so I am 100% willing to try and behave better. But I don't think I am the only one that needs to make changes. And I'm not sure if she's in for that.

 

You need to let this go...

 

You guys sound young. If she is drinking to excess and you are not there, then you are not a match.

 

And you said that she broke up with you. So let it be.

 

Further, Traveling alone, why is that? You cannot go with her?

 

You know what happens when people in a relationship travel alone. I think she just may want you for comfort and to be the home BF and she can party when she travels.

 

This whole thing sounds unhealthy... Let it go and start new with someone else.

[OngoingThoughts]

Hey guys I thought I'd give an update.

10 days later and I feel like I'm still doing a limbo.

 

We have seen each other in the meantime and texted and also slept together twice. Though after that I did tell her I do not appreciate her push and pull games. And she said she would mind it more and stop doing it.

 

At the moment she is very lost. She told me she's unable to think straight and feels kind of sad and depressed when she is by herself and thinking. I have a feeling it is part of becoming an adult (22yr) and finding her way so I do understand her need for time and space.

 

I want to give her time to think and for her to decide what she wants to do with us, but I also want to stop feeling like shet every time I get hope and it gets crushed. I try to create more distance in my feelings for her, but I don't want to drop her when she feels this bad and feels like she can only share it with me.

 

What should I do? Wait a little longer and give her space? Or cut everything off? I feel like the last option would break me though.

[OngoingThoughts]

I'm heavily considering going NC. The contact over app is getting more awkward and I feel like she's growing more distant. But at the same time I don't want to push her away and ruin the chance of reconciliation.

 

I know she still has issues to resolve with her being sad, but I doubt that once she has worked through them, she will tell me she wants to try again.

 

I also feel like she only texts me when she feels lonely. And not because she genuinely misses me. It's always in the mornings and the evenings. I feel like this is very selfish of her because she knows she is leading me on and I am still waiting for an answer. I am trying to move on in the meantime but I know that she keeps tugging me back as long as we keep contact. She does still try to flirt with me sometimes or try to impress me. A while ago she also said she is not ready yet to lose me and that made her cry.

 

She also told me to go and do my own thing, but at the same time she says she would feel bad if I would start seeing other women but there would be nothing she could do about it.

 

Honestly at a loss about what to do.. would love to hear some of your insights.

[d0nnivain]

If NC will help you heal & get over her, fine, stop interacting with her. I do think sleeping with her confused you but it certainly didn't fix any of your issues.

 

If you think leaving her alone to stew will help matters & make her miss you, I think you miscalculate. All it will do is send her into a bottle & into the arms of another man while she's away.

 

I really don't think you two have a strong enough connection at this point to bridge her drinking & this trip.

[OngoingThoughts]

Thank you for replying, so do I understand your suggestion would be to keep in contact to let her work things out and see how she feels after the trip? (the trip will be LC or NC because she won't have reception). In the meantime I'll work on lowering my feelings for her until she decides.

 

Or do you mean I have to let her go?

 

I don't want to send her into the arms of someone else. And I know she doesn't want me to either, but she also doesn't know if she wants to be with me right now.

 

We used to live together and were very close. Had lots of stuff in common (travelling being one of those things) and shared great humor. The connection was surely there, it all just went to shet once she voiced she had had doubts in the past because of arguments & trust.

 

But like I said I told her I had realised that and want to better myself, and that made her doubt the break-up afterwards.. She also told me last week she wished she had voiced her doubts sooner so we could have worked it out.

Edited June 18, 2018 by OngoingThoughts

[OngoingThoughts]

Hi everyone, it's been 3 years since I posted this topic. I though it would be nice to check back in and give people that are experiencing the same thing as I did, some hope for better times. The mind games with this girl continued for quite some time. New Years Eve later that year she called me up to tell me she loved me. I had hopes again but quickly realized her call wasn't genuine. She didn't want to get back with me. Eventually I got over her by staying away from her and not seeking contact. I did not add her again on social media and that helped a lot. Fast forward 3 years and I am in a happy relationship with another girl. Corona/lockdown gave us a really strong bond and we just bought a house together. Funny thing is my ex contacted me about 2 months ago. Saying she wanted to know how I'd been and if I wanted to meet for coffee. I told her I wasn't sure I wanted to do that. She was all interested in me, but once she found out about the house and my new girlfriend, she cut contact. It's funny how in hindsight you see how selfish some people are and that you are better off without them. I am happy now and see that what she and I had, wasn't meant to be. We weren't compatible. 

 You will find someone else, if you are willing to work on yourself and be happy with who you are. It sounds cliche, but you have to be happy alone first. Don't be afraid to get help. Work out, nurture yourself: mentally and physically. Girls will see your confidence and will find this very attractive. No girl likes a miserable guy/girl. So work on yourself first and then go out there and find the true love of your life!