The impact of being a past affair partner on future relationships

[Tinks123]

I found myself as the other woman a very long time ago in my late teens/early twenties, so incredibly young. It isn’t something I have given any thought to up until recently (I am not heartless, I feel horrendously guilty, I had just blocked it out).

 

I am in the most wonderful relationship now and I am incredibly happy. He really is the most decent man I have ever met and I want to spend the rest of my life with him. Recently those pangs of guilt cropped up, but added to that is the awful guilt I am feeling keeping this from my partner. I know that if or rather when I tell him chances are he will break up with me, but I feel so uncomfortable knowing that I’m keeping such a horrible piece of my past from him. I know most likely a lot of people will say the past is the past, but we have such an honest relationship, it doesn’t feel right keeping this from him. I will say that although I know it sounds cliche, I am absolutely not that person anymore. I was not in a good place emotionally. It is not something that would ever ever happen again under any circumstances - of that I am sure. I regret the part I played so very much and I would do anything to undo what I did so please, I do not need to be made to feel any worse.

 

So my questions, for those who were the OW previously and are now in a new relationship:

 

Was the guy/girl married? Were kids involved?

Have you told your partner about your past? What was their reaction?

If you told your partner, when did you tell them?

If you didn’t tell them, why not?

[brokenandhopeless]

It is in your past and something you deeply regret. Why bring it up again and ruin a good thing? Sure if he loves you and you confessed, he should look past it but why rake up something after so many years? Mistakes happen. My 2 cents, let go of the past and look to the future with this new person. Nothing is to be gained out of bringing up a difficult experience.

[BTDT2012]

you should be truthful if the issue comes up. I would think he would ask the question if this were something that was a dealbreaker for him.

[Daisy2013]

I wouldn't. What happens in the past stays there. Especially so long ago.

[FMW]

You say it was a very long time ago. Leave it in the past.

 

No matter how honest your relationship is, he probably hasn't told you all the details of his past relationships either, for the same reason - he might not come out looking too good. And it's just not relevant to your relationship today, here and now.

[carhill]

So my questions, for those who were the [OM/OW] previously and are now in a new relationship:

 

1. Was the guy/girl married? Were kids involved?

2. Have you told your partner about your past? What was their reaction?

3. If you told your partner, when did you tell them?

4. If you didn’t tell them, why not?

 

Welcome to LS. I'm older but did have such experiences long ago, before getting married in my early 40's.

 

1. Yes, though I didn't know for a few months. IIRC, she had been married four years when we met. Her daughter was 2 at the time.

 

2. Yes, I did tell the person who later became my wife. I don't think I told any of the other women I'd had LTR's with since the experience. I don't recall her overall reaction being negative, though she was somewhat taken aback by my recount of sending all MW's love letters and cards to her H after saying goodbye. Fair enough.

 

3. When we were dating, though that occurred some six years after last contact with the MW and some 14 years after MW and I first met. I also introduced her to the MW and her boyfriend at the time (this many years later after she divorced) later on in our marriage.

 

4. With the ones I didn't tell, I didn't feel the relationship serious enough to share ancient history. At that time, few people recognized EA's or even had a name for them. Most I knew considered anything less than involving genitals to be, well, nothing. Perhaps I was going with the flow with those partners I was monogamous with but not living with nor intending to marry.

 

The way I look at it today is it's long down the road of life, poor choices at the time, learned a lot, glad I did learn. MW's, then and now, have taught me a lot about women. I had a skewed view of them from my female role model. It's nice to get a good dose of reality for balance. Now I pay it forward by showing examples of healthy boundaries to MW's who still sometimes pursue me. Marriage advocate even though I'm long divorced. Good luck and enjoy your stay. LS has a lot to offer.

[fredflint]

Everyone has baggage of some kind, but its not relevant to your relationship now, so no real reason to bring it up. I agree with others that its important to be honest if he asks you. But focus on the good in your life now, not the bad in the past. The past is gone.

[MidnightBlue1980]

While I do agree that the past is the past, there is something to be said for knowing your partner in a new relationship and what is important to them, how forgiving they are, etc. I think a person who would judge you for something you did before you met them - well, wouldn't you want to know that now, rather than later? Maybe this won't come up but something else will. Plus if it is bothering you, I think it's good to lay it all out there. Not on the first date of course but that is what true intimacy is about. Do you want to be with someone who would judge you?

 

For me, I told my H about my ex who was married/separated. He was not judgmental and had also had two experiences with married women. For his part, he had a brush with the law and was horrified to tell me. It brought us closer together and when we had problems 10 years later, it was easier to fix as we knew each other pretty well.

[Marc878]

Truth fixes a lot of things plus you never know when your past can come back and bite you.

[mingomatic]

Hi. My advice to you would be :

1) How likely is he to find out on his own? It would look very bad if someone else told him and not you.

2) Is that married man truly out of your life? How would you react if he contacted you again?

3) What if his parents or colleagues find out through the grapevine? He'd be a laughing stock . Especially a concern in Asian societies.

 

Source: I was that 'decent guy' , blissfully unaware and thinking I was the luckiest man in the world. Then a jilted married man wrote to me to expose my girlfriend's past, and that knowledge really f*cked up my head (didn't come from my gf).

Read the threads I started to get an idea of my situation and how a guy thinks.

The ugly truth is guys do mind a history such as this, no matter how magnanimous they proclaim themselves to be.

This is retroactive jealousy mixed with doubts about moral character mixed with self-loathing and concerns about 'face' . Not pretty.

I don't know if it's just me , but insecurity feeds into us all.

Here's a sample thought process:

'She was willing to settle for crumbs and be his sidepiece but still she was in love with him. therefore that married man must have been an absolute stud with a huge you-know-what. She was willing to seduce him and go to hotels for nooners all the time, but she doesn't do that with me. Therefore he must have been so much more sexually attractive than me.'

Sample thought process 2:' She let him have two women and didn't mind. But she won't let me have two women now. Therefore she's more loving and forgiving to him. She loves him more. Or she really desires him sexually and doesn't care that he has a wife. How can I ever compare? I'm so beta'

 

It's a tricky situation to handle. Everybody wants a clean slate. But karma does work in a funny way. Nobody wants to get cancer, but you still can get it years after stopping smoking.

Can't really advise you much, other than to say that if it's very unlikely that he will find out on his own, don't tell him. And really make sure he won't find out.

 

If the affair partner is still in your social sphere as an employer/relative, please find a way to tell your man honestly, and emphasize it was a long time ago. You might lose him, but again, this is your karma for what you did in the past. Better to lose him now rather than have him find out when you're married with kids and leaving becomes much more painful and logistically tricky.

Edited June 7, 2018 by mingomatic

[DrReplyInRhymes]

Hi. My advice to you would be :

1) How likely is he to find out on his own? It would look very bad if someone else told him and not you.

2) Is that married man truly out of your life? How would you react if he contacted you again?

3) What if his parents or colleagues find out through the grapevine? He'd be a laughing stock . Especially a concern in Asian societies.

 

Source: I was that 'decent guy' , blissfully unaware and thinking I was the luckiest man in the world. Then a jilted married man wrote to me to expose my girlfriend's past, and that knowledge really f*cked up my head (didn't come from my gf).

Read the threads I started to get an idea of my situation and how a guy thinks.

The ugly truth is guys do mind a history such as this, no matter how magnanimous they proclaim themselves to be.

This is retroactive jealousy mixed with doubts about moral character mixed with self-loathing and concerns about 'face' . Not pretty.

I don't know if it's just me , but insecurity feeds into us all.

Here's a sample thought process:

'She was willing to settle for crumbs and be his sidepiece but still she was in love with him. therefore that married man must have been an absolute stud with a huge you-know-what. She was willing to seduce him and go to hotels for nooners all the time, but she doesn't do that with me. Therefore he must have been so much more sexually attractive than me.'

Sample thought process 2:' She let him have two women and didn't mind. But she won't let me have two women now. Therefore she's more loving and forgiving to him. She loves him more. Or she really desires him sexually and doesn't care that he has a wife. How can I ever compare? I'm so beta'

 

It's a tricky situation to handle. Everybody wants a clean slate. But karma does work in a funny way. Nobody wants to get cancer, but you still can get it years after stopping smoking.

Can't really advise you much, other than to say that if it's very unlikely that he will find out on his own, don't tell him. And really make sure he won't find out.

 

If the affair partner is still in your social sphere as an employer/relative, please find a way to tell your man honestly, and emphasize it was a long time ago. You might lose him, but again, this is your karma for what you did in the past. Better to lose him now rather than have him find out when you're married with kids and leaving becomes much more painful and logistically tricky.

 

I feel you man. This is such a great reply.

 

Turns out, I dated a woman who admitted she had an affair years ago. Months down the line, guess who she's still meeting up with while being in a relationship with me?

 

And I'm half Asian. (top half!) Yes, I'm a laughing stock around town here to the Asian community. Because this BPD lady couldn't stay away from him and wouldn't just tell me the truth either.

[Tinks123]

Hi. My advice to you would be :

1) How likely is he to find out on his own? It would look very bad if someone else told him and not you.

2) Is that married man truly out of your life? How would you react if he contacted you again?

3) What if his parents or colleagues find out through the grapevine? He'd be a laughing stock . Especially a concern in Asian societies.

 

Thanks for all your replies, I appreciate it and hearing your experiences is helpful. I do need to tell him, he is such a good man and I feel too guilty that I haven’t always been, it is tearing me apart. I am geneuinely not that person now, it was a tough time emotionally, I have grown up a lot and I become much more assertive - something I always had trouble with which was part of the problem.

 

1. It’s not at all likely he will find out if I don’t tell him. But why should I be keeping something from my partner? It feels wrong to me.

 

2. Absolutely categorically yes the married man is out of my life and has been for a decade. If he contacted me again I’d feel genuinely sick to my stomach and would tell my partner.

 

3. Again, highly highly unlikely that anybody else will find out.

 

I feel awful. I know this is my karma. I just wish I had the foresight, understanding and strength I needed all that time ago. I’m so frightened of losing him, it would kill me.

[Timshel]

Thanks for all your replies, I appreciate it and hearing your experiences is helpful. I do need to tell him, he is such a good man and I feel too guilty that I haven’t always been, it is tearing me apart. I am geneuinely not that person now, it was a tough time emotionally, I have grown up a lot and I become much more assertive - something I always had trouble with which was part of the problem.

 

1. It’s not at all likely he will find out if I don’t tell him. But why should I be keeping something from my partner? It feels wrong to me.

 

2. Absolutely categorically yes the married man is out of my life and has been for a decade. If he contacted me again I’d feel genuinely sick to my stomach and would tell my partner.

 

3. Again, highly highly unlikely that anybody else will find out.

 

I feel awful. I know this is my karma. I just wish I had the foresight, understanding and strength I needed all that time ago. I’m so frightened of losing him, it would kill me.

 

 

It's not your karma, it's your conscience. You love someone enough to both empathize for the past betrayed spouse and fortify your integrity enough to let someone you love go.

 

 

Tell him the truth for you, because clearly, it will eat you up if you do not. When you tell him and he appreciates your honesty, you will walk into the future with him having lightness and pure joy.

 

 

If he does not appreciate your honesty, would you have been able to walk on air down the aisle to him anyway?

[bathtub-row]

First of all, I think you would do yourself a huge favor by dumping all this heavy guilt you’re carrying around. I mean, what the heck happened that’s so bad that you’re still burdened ten years later? Did you stalk the wife? Beat his children? Seriously, it was an affair and you weren’t the one who took the vows. And now that you’re older and wiser, I’m guessing you can see how the MM targeted you because he knew you were young and dumb. You’ve learned from it and that’s all you can do now.

 

Tell your bf and be done with this stuff once and for all. He’d probably be more upset about it if you didn’t tell him.

[Whoknew30]

You sound like you’re still the OW. It seems you’ve never actually healed bc if you have you wouldn’t be so insecure about it.

 

You’re not “keeping” anything from him. You own your past, no one else has a right to what you’ve done unless you just want to share. Being honest is about your relationship now. If you want to tell him that’s fine but you need to figure out why after all this time, you can’t let go of the same insecurities that probably led you to being the OW to begin with?

 

If he did leave you for your past, then is that someone you would even want o be with to begin with...you need to find your worth on your own & stop giving it away to men...even one that you love. Take back your own worth!!! Good luck

[mingomatic]

The advice here seems rather different when given to the fOW.

 

The advice I was given when finding out my GF was a fOW was all 'DUMP HER NOW OMFG. SHE'LL CHEAT ON YOU, SHE DISRESPECTS MARRIAGE'

[bathtub-row]

The advice here seems rather different when given to the fOW.

 

The advice I was given when finding out my GF was a fOW was all 'DUMP HER NOW OMFG. SHE'LL CHEAT ON YOU, SHE DISRESPECTS MARRIAGE'

 

I don’t know your situation but that advice may have been because of other things surrounding that. Not sure though. I don’t think people being involved with a married person would necessarily be cheaters. I would think that would apply more to the married person. The OW or OM usually have been so burned by the situation they would never go down that path again.

[mingomatic]

I don’t know your situation but that advice may have been because of other things surrounding that. Not sure though. I don’t think people being involved with a married person would necessarily be cheaters. I would think that would apply more to the married person. The OW or OM usually have been so burned by the situation they would never go down that path again.

 

yeah. check out the thread I started.

Basically my situation is:

I dated a girl for a few months. Soon after that, got an email from a vengeful married man outing my then-GF as his OW .

She was still talking to him as platonic friends even after dumping him. She confided in him about me.

[bathtub-row]

yeah. check out the thread I started.

Basically my situation is:

I dated a girl for a few months. Soon after that, got an email from a vengeful married man outing my then-GF as his OW .

She was still talking to him as platonic friends even after dumping him. She confided in him about me.

 

I just read it. Really? You don’t understand why people were telling you to end things with her? She was still in contact with the guy and she was lying to you about it. The affair isn’t exactly the problem - it’s her deceit and the tangled web she’s in. In the case of the OP in this thread, she’s been out of that situation for 10 yrs and has no contact with him. Big difference.

[mingomatic]

Remember. When you tell your guy, most guys will be really really shocked and become emotional. Play it by ear, give him some time to vent and be honest and emphasize that you love him.

 

If you don't say you love him and constantly show affection and clam up , like my ex did, he will get all the more afraid and insecure.

Which leads to a lot of retroactive jealousy and unhealthy thoughts like the ones I detailed earlier.

'She was willing to be his second woman, that married man must have been a stud. '

'Why can't I have two women like that alpha married male too? That's a double standard for betas like me ! '

 

Don't go into detail on the gory details of the affair. Gloss over them. He doesn't need more mental agony. If he tries to pry them out, don't let him.

 

Prepare your answers for those questions.

[Tinks123]

Sorry to hear about your situation mingomatic. If I were still in contact I would expect my partner to leave me most definitely, but in my case, I haven’t spoken with him since I walked away 10 years ago. It’s very much in the past, but my current guilt (aside from the guilt I obviously hold about what happened, which I’ll always carry - I’d be concerned if I didn’t) is more related to my partner. He is a very honest man, he’s very moral. And this is why I feel he has a right to know. As someone else pointed out I wouldn’t be able to live the rest of my life without telling him, and it’s because although it’s MY past, I feel he has a right to know and make a decision himself. I sometimes think he deserves better, and it’s all because of a horrible mistake I made in the past. I think it’s unfair to ask if I’d really want to be with someone who would judge me - as I say, he has excellent morals, this was my fault, not his, I couldn’t blame him if he leaves me.

 

Thanks again for the feedback. I had already decided that this is something I needed to do, I was just hoping that other users with a similar experience would perhaps help cement that this is the right thing to do, as I have no one to talk to - I am so ashamed my friends and family don’t know.

[somanymistakes]

The advice here seems rather different when given to the fOW.

 

The advice I was given when finding out my GF was a fOW was all 'DUMP HER NOW OMFG. SHE'LL CHEAT ON YOU, SHE DISRESPECTS MARRIAGE'

 

If you look at other threads when people have found out shocking details about their partners' pasts, they get quite a mix of advice (not surprising, since we are not a hive mind). Some people will point out that it's in the PAST, people change, it's silly to hold a college threesome against her for the rest of her life. Others will be 'omg she was not straight once that means she's always secretly looking for women forever'.

 

It's rare that everyone gives exactly the same opinion about anything.

[startingagain15]

My now husband was the OM two times in his life. His first was 20+ years ago with what became his first wife. The second was with a much younger MW after his divorce. It was a messed up situation with this younger woman who was on her third affair and has now left her husband and moved in with the MM she had her fifth (or more) affair with.

 

He didn't tell me about the second AP until we had been together almost a year and half. It almost broke me/us when he finally did tell me. It took me a very long time to get over it, and it still bothers me. I wish he never would have told me, but the person he had the affair lives in the same area still, so it could have come out someday and he didn't want that.

 

In the end I chose to forgive him and know that his past is his past and we have our life together now, a new chapter.

 

Will i ever trust him as much as I would have had he not been an OM? No probably not. I hate that part of his past, but everyone has a past and things they regret.

 

Idk there are two sides to it. I get why you want to tell him, and I know it was best that my husband told me. I think the telling was much more for his benefit than mine. And there is also a part of me that wishes he never told me, or mostly just that it never happened at all I guess.

[mingomatic]

My now husband was the OM two times in his life. His first was 20+ years ago with what became his first wife. The second was with a much younger MW after his divorce. It was a messed up situation with this younger woman who was on her third affair and has now left her husband and moved in with the MM she had her fifth (or more) affair with.

 

He didn't tell me about the second AP until we had been together almost a year and half. It almost broke me/us when he finally did tell me. It took me a very long time to get over it, and it still bothers me. I wish he never would have told me, but the person he had the affair lives in the same area still, so it could have come out someday and he didn't want that.

 

In the end I chose to forgive him and know that his past is his past and we have our life together now, a new chapter.

 

Will i ever trust him as much as I would have had he not been an OM? No probably not. I hate that part of his past, but everyone has a past and things they regret.

 

Idk there are two sides to it. I get why you want to tell him, and I know it was best that my husband told me. I think the telling was much more for his benefit than mine. And there is also a part of me that wishes he never told me, or mostly just that it never happened at all I guess.

 

He did it twice. Not once. Was that what bothered you? I guess if you two have been really long together and you both already had a lot invested in the relationship, you wouldn't want to break that up, hence you force yourself to stomach it and cope somehow. As far as I can tell from your post he's been faithful to you , or maybe you haven't caught him.... you should count yourself so lucky. But some part of you wishes that you had been told early in your relationship , right? So you could decide earlier.

[startingagain15]

He did it twice. Not once. Was that what bothered you? I guess if you two have been really long together and you both already had a lot invested in the relationship, you wouldn't want to break that up, hence you force yourself to stomach it and cope somehow. As far as I can tell from your post he's been faithful to you , or maybe you haven't caught him.... you should count yourself so lucky. But some part of you wishes that you had been told early in your relationship , right? So you could decide earlier.

 

The first time I could easily forgive/understand, he was young, stupid, drinking a lot at the time, etc. The second still makes me angry since he already went through it once and should "know better". His x-wife cheated on him multiple times, with multiple people, what should he expect. His mom always told him, if she will cheat with you, she will cheat on you. Turned out to be true in that case.

 

I think this second time affair was more the opportunity of attention/ego boost/sex from a much younger woman in a time when he was feeling totally rejected (right after his divorce) was too good to pass up. He's huMAN, I get it.

 

3+ years later he has never showed anything other then being 100% committed to us. I have made it abundantly clear that any incidence of cheating in our marriage and I am one and done. And he has always been faithful in his relationships. And in the affairs he was single, but that doesn't excuse the wrongness of the situations, of course.

 

But had he told me, maybe just a few months into the relationship, would I have stayed? Probably not. I don't think I would have tried to get over it with just a little time invested into the relationship. But by the time he finally told me I was too invested, and I knew the him who he is now vs. the him he was then.

 

Idk, when I tell the story it makes me sound naive and manipulated for staying. But there are many other factors than just that one. I believe right now what we have is worth the struggle it was for me to get past that situation.

 

There's no good outcome to telling vs. not telling. Each side has a down. I guess telling the truth is probably the best option, but idk if there's really no chance of it ever coming out and it was so long ago I'd really think about not saying anything if it never specifically comes up. I wouldn't lie, but I wouldn't volunteer it either.