The impact of being a past affair partner on future relationships

[mingomatic]

The first time I could easily forgive/understand, he was young, stupid, drinking a lot at the time, etc. The second still makes me angry since he already went through it once and should "know better". His x-wife cheated on him multiple times, with multiple people, what should he expect. His mom always told him, if she will cheat with you, she will cheat on you. Turned out to be true in that case.

 

I think this second time affair was more the opportunity of attention/ego boost/sex from a much younger woman in a time when he was feeling totally rejected (right after his divorce) was too good to pass up. He's huMAN, I get it.

 

3+ years later he has never showed anything other then being 100% committed to us. I have made it abundantly clear that any incidence of cheating in our marriage and I am one and done. And he has always been faithful in his relationships. And in the affairs he was single, but that doesn't excuse the wrongness of the situations, of course.

 

But had he told me, maybe just a few months into the relationship, would I have stayed? Probably not. I don't think I would have tried to get over it with just a little time invested into the relationship. But by the time he finally told me I was too invested, and I knew the him who he is now vs. the him he was then.

 

Idk, when I tell the story it makes me sound naive and manipulated for staying. But there are many other factors than just that one. I believe right now what we have is worth the struggle it was for me to get past that situation.

 

There's no good outcome to telling vs. not telling. Each side has a down. I guess telling the truth is probably the best option, but idk if there's really no chance of it ever coming out and it was so long ago I'd really think about not saying anything if it never specifically comes up. I wouldn't lie, but I wouldn't volunteer it either.

 

I see. I guess my ex-GF did a half a$$ed job of hiding her history, or she never saw the possibility of a jilted married man taking revenge by exposing her. Or she really underestimated the power of social media /private investigators.She left the married man to be with me, so she felt slightly guilty for dumping him, I suppose. That's why she indulged his request to remain friends, inappropriate and dangerous as that was. If the truth about the past has to come out, it has to come from you. It is very unpleasant and ego-wounding to learn this from another man. 'Hey, I had sex with your girlfriend! Here are pictures to prove it, ha ha! Watch out, she committed adultery. ' Your point about the timing of telling someone is important. The married guy exacted his revenge after 3 months of me and my GF dating, when she was really into me but didn't say the words 'I love you' to me yet. whether that was a blessing or a curse, I still don't know. Did I dodge a bullet? Or did I miss out on true love because doubts about her past entered into the relationship . I interpreted her continued contact with married man as emotional betrayal, when it also could be forced contact out of fear and threats of blackmail/exposure.

Edited June 14, 2018 by mingomatic

[mingomatic]

I just read it. Really? You don’t understand why people were telling you to end things with her? She was still in contact with the guy and she was lying to you about it. The affair isn’t exactly the problem - it’s her deceit and the tangled web she’s in. In the case of the OP in this thread, she’s been out of that situation for 10 yrs and has no contact with him. Big difference.

 

Some of the advice I got didn't focus on the fact that she was in contact. It was the mere fact that she was a willing partner in an extramarital affair.

 

It seems like college threesomes and one night stands justifiably get treated as 'You can't judge my past' and should not be taken as evidence that they will be like that in a stable relationship, but extramarital affairs somehow are a predictor of character in a future stable relationship.

[somanymistakes]

Some of the advice I got didn't focus on the fact that she was in contact. It was the mere fact that she was a willing partner in an extramarital affair.

 

It seems like college threesomes and one night stands justifiably get treated as 'You can't judge my past' and should not be taken as evidence that they will be like that in a stable relationship, but extramarital affairs somehow are a predictor of character in a future stable relationship.

 

There is some difference between things you did when you were young and stupid (brains and responsibility aren't fully developed until about age 24), especially if you were in an environment where you were expected and encouraged to be wild and crazy and experimental... and things you did as a settled adult over a long period of time, or after swearing vows of faithfulness.

[nospam99]

(brains and responsibility aren't fully developed until about age 24),

 

Touching a nerve for me, here. I'm sick of hearing this lame excuse. I was Alex P. Keaton before he was a meme (yeah, I know, no longer cool to be Alex P. Keaton for many years now). Fully responsible at age 10 and puberty didn't change my sense of responsibility, only my sense of horniness. Just sayin'

[somanymistakes]

Touching a nerve for me, here. I'm sick of hearing this lame excuse. I was Alex P. Keaton before he was a meme (yeah, I know, no longer cool to be Alex P. Keaton for many years now). Fully responsible at age 10 and puberty didn't change my sense of responsibility, only my sense of horniness. Just sayin'

 

Sure, and some people reached their adult height before the age of 12, but on AVERAGE people don't

[aliveagain]

Being a betrayed spouse a couple of times I ask anyone I date more then a couple of times questions about their past relationship history. A few years ago I dated a woman long distance, 2130 miles apart, we dated for 3 years. I asked her the question, "have you ever cheating on your ex husband or a boyfriend?" she replied no but I was the other woman in a 2 year relationship with a married man/business colleague. This is what that statement said to me. She doesn't respect boundaries, she's selfish, she will take what she wants from another even if it means she has to destroy a family to do it.

 

I gave her most of the last year of our relationship to prove to me she wasn't that woman anymore and to get the help she needed to understand why she chose to date a married man for 2 years. As it turned out I didn't see her do enough and the selfish traits were showing up the longer we were together so I ended things with her. It is my belief that people with poor boundaries make poor partners.

 

I am telling you my experience not to judge you but to prepare you. Anyone wanting a lifelong commitment from you will probably ask you that same question, lying will do you more harm and cause you more guilt then your probably experiencing now. You have to be honest and you have to be safe. Find out why you chose to be an other woman and get the counselling you need to help you be a safe partner that respects boundaries. Had my ex girlfriend done that with me I probably would have married her. Don't wait until your in a relationship to get help.

[mingomatic]

Being a betrayed spouse a couple of times I ask anyone I date more then a couple of times questions about their past relationship history. A few years ago I dated a woman long distance, 2130 miles apart, we dated for 3 years. I asked her the question, "have you ever cheating on your ex husband or a boyfriend?" she replied no but I was the other woman in a 2 year relationship with a married man/business colleague. This is what that statement said to me. She doesn't respect boundaries, she's selfish, she will take what she wants from another even if it means she has to destroy a family to do it.

 

I gave her most of the last year of our relationship to prove to me she wasn't that woman anymore and to get the help she needed to understand why she chose to date a married man for 2 years. As it turned out I didn't see her do enough and the selfish traits were showing up the longer we were together so I ended things with her. It is my belief that people with poor boundaries make poor partners.

 

I am telling you my experience not to judge you but to prepare you. Anyone wanting a lifelong commitment from you will probably ask you that same question, lying will do you more harm and cause you more guilt then your probably experiencing now. You have to be honest and you have to be safe. Find out why you chose to be an other woman and get the counselling you need to help you be a safe partner that respects boundaries. Had my ex girlfriend done that with me I probably would have married her. Don't wait until your in a relationship to get help.

 

What kind of selfish traits showed? What would be evidence of doing enough on her part?

[aliveagain]

What kind of selfish traits showed? What would be evidence of doing enough on her part?

 

Getting help, independent counselling to help her understand her bad choices. How can you expect to be a safe partner in a new relationship if your still broken? Doing the same things and expecting a different result, we know the meaning of that phrase.

 

Traits, less empathy for my issues then her issues. Always pushing the envelope of being exclusive, flirtatious behavior, her need for attention made her more and more needy. She hated drama but somehow always found a way to be in it. When we first met she hid the fact that no matter how good our relationship was at the time, she was always miserable. As time progressed she didn't try hiding that as much. The one trait I noticed the most is how much she hated to be alone, she always had a reason to have someone with her.

 

There were other traits but those are enough for me.