Aloha123 Posted June 7, 2018 Share Posted June 7, 2018 (edited) In the short time I've been on this forum, I have learned that affairs all basically follow the same script. And as far as I can tell, you either end the A voluntarily (preferably through NC), or it ends because one or both parties get caught (D-Day). There is no riding off into the sunset together. That is not going to happen. Which option would you choose? They are both painful and awful and difficult. In one outcome, the affair ends, but on your terms. you are in control, cut you losses, and ultimately move on to a better place. In the other outcome, the affair still likely ends, not voluntarily or even on your own timeline, and everything spirals out of control, you end up alone anyway, multiple lives are shattered, and if you are also married (like me), your whole world as you know it comes crumbling down. Again, which option would you/should I choose? This is a hypothetical question. Edited June 7, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
somanymistakes Posted June 7, 2018 Share Posted June 7, 2018 I don't entirely understand why people who are themselves married get into affair situations with dreams of running off into the sunset together. If you're married and you're not planning on leaving your husband, why do you imagine that your MM will leave his wife? If you know this can't end well and your husband finding out would mean that your world as you know it comes crashing down, why are you doing it? I could understand if you had serious plans to get together. I could understand if you didn't want either of you to get together for real, you just wanted to enjoy your affair on the side along with your marriages. But the way you describe it, I don't understand what you want and why you're doing this. If you know that you cannot possibly get what you want because your wants are impossible and unrealistic, then ending it now on your own terms is the only sensible thing to do. It'll only get worse the longer it goes on. Affairs don't all follow the same script, but a certain kind of affair does, and if you recognise that your MM is one of those MMs, you need to get out as soon as you can. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Aloha123 Posted June 7, 2018 Author Share Posted June 7, 2018 (edited) I don't entirely understand why people who are themselves married get into affair situations with dreams of running off into the sunset together. If you're married and you're not planning on leaving your husband, why do you imagine that your MM will leave his wife? If you know this can't end well and your husband finding out would mean that your world as you know it comes crashing down, why are you doing it? I could understand if you had serious plans to get together. I could understand if you didn't want either of you to get together for real, you just wanted to enjoy your affair on the side along with your marriages. But the way you describe it, I don't understand what you want and why you're doing this. If you know that you cannot possibly get what you want because your wants are impossible and unrealistic, then ending it now on your own terms is the only sensible thing to do. It'll only get worse the longer it goes on. Affairs don't all follow the same script, but a certain kind of affair does, and if you recognise that your MM is one of those MMs, you need to get out as soon as you can. I agree with all of this. That's why I phrased it as a hypothetical question! As to why I got into this mess to begin with, all I can say is that I was coming from very desperate place, which obviously the affair has only made worse. Edited June 8, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
MidnightBlue1980 Posted June 7, 2018 Share Posted June 7, 2018 NC is better. Whether or not you tell your own husband is a different question but from the point of view of the MM, if you just walk away and go NC, you have the power, so to speak. With a Dday, you get to experience firsthand how you meant nothing and they always, always, throw you under the bus. They make up lies and go crawling to their wife, say you forced them, all kinds of stuff. And typically your own spouse would find out as well, so now you have double the problems. A lot of people here say to tell his wife as it will make you feel better and end the affair. You will not feel better, the opposite. Typically the wife will blame herself, as women do, and they will go to marriage counseling, she will try harder, etc. Maybe the man is really sorry too and genuinely tries as well. You of course will be the villain in the situation and unwillingly, helped fix their marriage. Just walk away and leave him in his own pot to stew. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Aloha123 Posted June 7, 2018 Author Share Posted June 7, 2018 NC is better. Whether or not you tell your own husband is a different question but from the point of view of the MM, if you just walk away and go NC, you have the power, so to speak. With a Dday, you get to experience firsthand how you meant nothing and they always, always, throw you under the bus. They make up lies and go crawling to their wife, say you forced them, all kinds of stuff. And typically your own spouse would find out as well, so now you have double the problems. A lot of people here say to tell his wife as it will make you feel better and end the affair. You will not feel better, the opposite. Typically the wife will blame herself, as women do, and they will go to marriage counseling, she will try harder, etc. Maybe the man is really sorry too and genuinely tries as well. You of course will be the villain in the situation and unwillingly, helped fix their marriage. Just walk away and leave him in his own pot to stew. Yes, I read somewhere else on here that statistics show when both affair partners are married, the MM reconciles with his wife and the husband leaves the MW. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Aloha123 Posted June 7, 2018 Author Share Posted June 7, 2018 I just also want to add, I am in therapy AND seeing a psychiatrist for medication, so the place of desperation I have been coming from is improving, as is evidenced by my willingness to open my mind to the reality of my affair and the importance of ending it. Also, I should also say that in my case the affair was a symptom of underlying problems in my marriage that may well lead to divorce anyway putting aside the issue of my affair. Link to post Share on other sites
niteandfog Posted June 7, 2018 Share Posted June 7, 2018 Ahmmm I know it’s rethorical but my AP and I ended our marriages and now are living together.... and our love grows with every day that passes... yes there’s been a high price to pay but we truly believe we are now with the right person Link to post Share on other sites
Author Aloha123 Posted June 7, 2018 Author Share Posted June 7, 2018 Ahmmm I know it’s rethorical but my AP and I ended our marriages and now are living together.... and our love grows with every day that passes... yes there’s been a high price to pay but we truly believe we are now with the right person Well you are my hero then, lol, but that's not the path 95% of us on are on, and you are obviously the rare exception! Link to post Share on other sites
DrReplyInRhymes Posted June 7, 2018 Share Posted June 7, 2018 Honestly, I'll pick DDAY because I eventually want to read on here about yours, However, I've never been married and don't mind sleeping with married women for sure! (If I'm single) Link to post Share on other sites
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