Finding strength to break the addiction

[Adotta]

You say you wanted to marry him or someone like him. Then why did you marry your husband? What's your husband like that he doesn't make the list. Is he super conservative? Emotionless? Sex drive gone? (Btw there are treatments for men with low libido. It could be low testosterone levels.)

 

Is your preference for this guy in some way physical? As in you think this guy is super great because he's more handsome or his junk is bigger or he is "better" in bed?

 

What exactly is so great about this guy that is different from your husband?

 

Could you compare your husband and this OM for me? In detail.

 

You say you just want the attention and dirty talk..... Why can't you talk to your husband about This? You say you can't expect him to change..... um yes you can. If your not happy in your marriage it's your DUTY to inform your SO. What's so wrong with looking your husband in the eye and saying "i want more sex. I want to talk dirty. I want to feel desired by you! I want to be a sexual person!"

 

You come off as extremely conflict avoiding. That's NOT A good trait in a partner. Every time you swallow a problem and refuse to talk about it, it doesn't just go away. It becomes a malignant tumor. You deserve to be able to speak your desires and find a compromise with your husband. He has a duty to listen to your desires and worries. Avoiding issues has probably been a good deal of your issue in your marriage. That or your husband is one of those truly foolish men who think putting the ring on woman is the end of romance. That's ssssooooo stupid. Sometimes I'm ashamed of how emotionally stupid my own sex can be. I have looked at men I know and just couldn't understand how they could be so God damn stupid. Some men need to be beat over the head with your concern. Anything else like hints and nudges simply doesn't work.

[grass-hopper]

Truth be told, the hardest part I have in all this, even after 2 decades, is that I didn't get to marry him or be with him. I somehow hold him on a pedestal because he has all that I look for in a guy. He of course, made the choice to marry somebody else.

 

If you had married this guy he’d be cheating on you. So you were lucky to not have married him. Don’t think of it as a loss but a win. And yes I understand the whole putting him on a pedestal. Try to think of the bad qualities and tell yourself how you deserve better than that. Think of your good qualities. How you are better than him. Why he doesn’t deserve you.

 

I understand all your feelings and struggles. Everything you write about how you struggle internally with loving and letting go, I could have written myself. I have no words of wisdom, only encouragement and reassurance that you’re not the only one who feels the way you do.

[brokenandhopeless]

Adotta, I owe you an answer. Thank you for taking the time to respond and ask me questions. I will respond in detail. I am grateful for your perspective and willingness to help me out.

 

Grass-hopper: Oh for sure he would be cheating. MM claims his wife is ok with his fooling around and has fooled around 3-4 times post wedding. As i said, for him it's just fooling around, for me, much more. I knew I would be hurt and he had the power to hurt me which is why I stayed away from him for about 10+ years...Only to have keeled 4 years ago.

 

It's Monday today. I haven't heard from MM in 3 days and don't expect to today. I am trying to stay strong and not contact. I am trying to shake the guilt that he has stopped talking to me because of me and my fights due to neediness. I just keep blaming myself. I wish I could have closure on a good note rather than on a note where I feel I am the one that caused all this.

 

This is so hard. I am literally sitting on my hands so I don't text... all the while having the fear of not being contacted.

Edited June 18, 2018 by brokenandhopeless

[CantTakeMySmile]

Question. What are you trying to accomplish by not testing? I am just curious, is this it for you? Are you trying to start the moving on process today? Or are you just trying to wait to see how long it will take for him to text?

 

 

Are you able to put your phone away, or is it something you need for work during the day?

[brokenandhopeless]

Question. What are you trying to accomplish by not testing? I am just curious, is this it for you? Are you trying to start the moving on process today? Or are you just trying to wait to see how long it will take for him to text?

 

 

Are you able to put your phone away, or is it something you need for work during the day?

 

For one, I am trying to not appear needy because I was the one who contacted three times last week vs. his once. I am trying to get to an even keel. I am not sure if he will contact or even if he did, what I would do. And I don't trust myself to not contact during this week but I am hoping to start emotional detachment today...somewhere.

 

I don't need my phone for work. But I keep it beside me in case the nanny calls in sick and I have to get the kids, or some emergency with kids.

[CantTakeMySmile]

For one, I am trying to not appear needy because I was the one who contacted three times last week vs. his once. I am trying to get to an even keel. I am not sure if he will contact or even if he did, what I would do. And I don't trust myself to not contact during this week but I am hoping to start emotional detachment today...somewhere.

 

I don't need my phone for work. But I keep it beside me in case the nanny calls in sick and I have to get the kids, or some emergency with kids.

 

 

 

Can you mute his texts?

[brokenandhopeless]

Oh his contacting me is remote. The real fear is I will keel and contact and the angst I am going through the day trying to stay away. It's a willpower issue.

[CantTakeMySmile]

Oh his contacting me is remote. The real fear is I will keel and contact and the angst I am going through the day trying to stay away. It's a willpower issue.

 

 

 

I totally get it. It is just so much easier for me when I walk away from my phone. That way you cant make a rash decision to text. You actually will have to go find your phone which acts as a distraction and gives you time to think if that is really what you want to do.

 

 

When you are with your children, can you walk away from it then?

[brokenandhopeless]

I could except I am obsessively checking my phone even with them. I've read some of your posts CantTakeMySmile. Did NC get better? Are you at a better place now?

[CantTakeMySmile]

I am at a better place yes. Am I at a great place, no. I still have all those crazy feelings but at least I feel like I can control something now.... and that something is myself and my actions.

 

My story is not one to mimic as I have and still do make many

Mistakes. But, I am moving forward for sure. Still sucks but I feel better most days.

[brokenandhopeless]

As an update, I did not contact him all day and he ended up contacting me and we spoke very nicely to each other. So we ended the day on good terms. I am hoping to ease this slowly first by my not contacting him and second, once I have gained that strength, to not respond to him. At least now, since the conversation ended on a good note, I won't feel so bad about not contacting him and feeling that it was all my fault.

 

CantTakeMySmile: I'll take any pearls of wisdom and even the faintest or strongest of success stories to keep me going. It's going to take me a while to get over this but reading all your experiences helps me immensely.

[Adotta]

Still waiting for my answers. I'm patient.

[brokenandhopeless]

Still waiting for my answers. I'm patient.

 

Thank you! The funny thing is, I had it written out in a word document and was waiting to make sure I had captured everything. Thank you for keeping on me and for taking the time.

 

So let me back up a bit..My husband is a great, stable guy. I married him (classic mistake) on the rebound but if you look at him, everybody will be like "You can't get a guy more stable and responsible than him." But......there is no passion in my marriage or sex..Think twice a year at best. Of course he claims it's because we have arguments every so often or are busy or I spurn him off because I feel he is faking it for me. I am not sure if he is interested so i tell him not to bother. He says he is interested and I am blowing him off. I just want to feel emotionally and physically wanted. I just want a hug every so often. It's not sex really but it's more being wanted and appreciated. And like a lot of guys, yes he is not that expressive though he claims he loves me. I bet he does but just shows it like the strong and silent type. I feel sort of checked out of my marriage. If my H came and said he found another person, I will be relieved. I don't have the guts to call it quits because I am emotionally needy and would rather have somebody than nobody (yup selfish, I know!).

 

This other guy, somebody I've known for close to 17 years..I don't know what it is. He looks great, is good in bed (from the little fooling around) and we share some common interests that are important to me. He is affectionate towards me, granted it's just online. Of course, there are other important interests that I share with my husband that are not common between MM and me. I do know that had i married MM, life would have been very different. He is about 13 years older so I may have been a stay-at-home-mom because of his life phase and what not (not something I would have wanted to do). MM of course is pretty selfish at times and clueless and could cut me off in a heartbeat because hey, I am just a friend. Perhaps he is different with his wife. He did of course fool around when married because he claims his wife is ok with it. I dont know what it is with MM. I am strongly attracted because he is so manly in many ways (tinkers with cars, good sportsman), great looking, and shows affection to me in texting etc. I don't know if it's lust or more but right now, it's an addiction. Sigh. I don't know the other side of him. The side of him I know is what I know through texting and talking so I could be viewing him with rose-tinted glasses.

 

I just don't know...I feel like MM is the kind of guy I wanted to marry but didn't. Of course I would have given up some things in having to marry MM and compromised but I keep wondering if love and lust would have been enough for my having to give up a few things. With my H, no compromise, and he is supportive of my job and whatever I want to do. Of course I have some common interests with H but more important common ones with MM.

 

 

So to summarize:

 

H: stable, responsible. Not much passion or expressive. Have common interests that are important. Does love me.

 

MM: stable, responsible, passionate in bed and affectionate outwardly. Have common interests that are important (not the same interests as MM). Can be sometimes ruthless/clueless. Life may have been very different (may have had to compromise quite a bit) if I had married MM. Has manly interests and hobbies that I am like "wow."

 

The funny thing is, for 13 years i stayed away from MM and had the willpower and the guts to do it and in fact wondered why I was attracted. Then 4 years ago, I got attracted again and it coincided with the 7 year itch...Perhaps that? Perhaps more? I don't know.

 

I just want to feel wanted, hugged...etc. It's not sex or dirty talk. It's affection and being wanted. When MM texts me, I get a thrill that he wants to talk to me. I love seeing his text messages.

 

MM has made it clear that I am a very good "friend with online benefits" and that he is happily married.

 

Adotta, I may have more to add but here it is for now.

Edited June 19, 2018 by brokenandhopeless

[Bittersweetie]

I have a question...you mention obsessively checking your phone even while you are with your children. Are you then not giving them your full attention? How does it feel to be mentally somewhere else while you are with your kids? I'm not trying to be a jerk, I am trying to emphasize my point from earlier to look outside the box of you and your AP. Someday if your kids find out, how will they feel knowing that all that time you were on your phone, it was waiting for AP? How will that make them feel? Knowing that instead of you giving them attention, you were focused on some other man?

 

Again, I'm not trying to be a jerk, but your obsession/addiction has consequences on others in your family, even if they don't know what is going on. This is your family that you created. After my d-day, my H said to me, "You were the one person who was supposed to have my back. And you didn't." He was exactly right. And you don't have your family's back either if this much mental energy is focused on AP.

[brokenandhopeless]

Adotta I must add, with MM he would have fooled around even if I had married him because he likes to have fun sexually. He claims his wife is ok and has had 2-3 one-night stands.

[brokenandhopeless]

I totally get what you are saying Bittersweetie. Yes my attention wanders and in fact, many times, if he texts me, I get the children to watch TV so I can have a conversation with him. Yup, pathetic. Believe me, I don't want to have my attention wander and I have not given my kids 100%. I feel that I have not given one of my kids all the attention that he/she needs at this point and could use more attention from me.

 

MM is 100% committed to his family. May be I should at least take that leaf out of his book and not be so stupid.

 

Yes 100% of my mental energy is on MM. Uhhhhhhh sucks. I keep playing out imaginary conversations and scenarios with him. I feel pathetic even typing this out. Thanks Bittersweetie for that dose of realism. Just what I needed.

[Adotta]

Have you tried talking to your husband about the lack of romance and passion and sex?

 

I know you will say you have, BUT you Women (lol) have a horrible habit of using hints and being passive aggressive. You ladies think your little jabs and hints work..... They don't. Be loud. Be obvious. Scream at him that your current relationship with him IS NOT ENOUGH. Men don't understand passive aggressive. We don't understand hints. We can also be very distracted and in our own world's. We get caught up in work and we sometimes lose sight of important things around us.

 

For heck sake you could unload all of that only to find your husband had the same concerns and desires, but that he was afraid to mention them.

 

Have you looked into testosterone level issues with hubby? I've seen it a few times. It's hard for the man to notice the effects because they feel mostly normal except for a lack of libido. If they do notice the problem they can also avoid the problem because they feel emasculated.

 

I guess what I'm saying is force the issue. You can sputter around going in circles or you can take control of your life and start making changes.

 

Start unloading your concerns and worries on your husband and start trying to rebuild a proper marriage with him. Go NC with your married man. He's a user. He doesn't respect you. Some sweet words over text and being skilled in bed doesn't mean ****. Words mean nothing and sex is all he is after so of course he is going to give it his Sunday best in bed. Actions show a person's intent. Not words. His actions show he doesn't think much of you past you being a warm wet hole.

 

Is one of the reasons you want this guy so badly BECAUSE he doesn't want you that much? I find a lot of women can like a guy because he is aloof and cool. They feel a desire to win over a bad boy and "change" him. It doesn't work.

 

Oh and I would highly recommend telling your husband the truth. Neck it might wake him up to the issues in the marriage.... though he will most likely be mad.... or maybe not based on your evaluation of him here. Maybe he is having an affair of his own... who knows.

Edited June 19, 2018 by Adotta

[Bittersweetie]

If my H came and said he found another person, I will be relieved.

 

Also, regarding the above...I told myself the exact same thing during my affair. I was trying to justify my own poor choices. It was part of the mental gymnastics I did in order to make what I was doing "okay."

[Adotta]

You're going to have to realize the vast majority of your relationship with this OM is a fantasy.

 

Do you honestly believe this guy would be a better husband then yours? He won't. He would get bored and start cheating very fast. This guy is all about the chase. All about conquest. Emotions? Love? He couldn't give a ****.

 

If he married you and raised kids with you he would probably act the same as your husband while he carries secret romantic passionate relationships with other women.

 

I get it. It's very hard. I was sleeping with my step mother at 15 years old. At about 17 my father nearly caught us in the act and she dropped me like yesterday's garbage. Near total NC. They divorced shortly after.

 

I spent 10 years worshipping her and pinning for her. We started back up again last winter. I was so head over heels happy she still wanted me. Of course she had a new husband again. Ofc.

 

It took a lot of effort to get to a place that I could see her for what she was. A user. A very damaged and poisonous person. I shattered my illusion. It wasn't easy. It takes A lot of effort and you will feel emotional pain at the loss of the fantasy.

 

I could barely function for about a month. I had very little lust for life. But I held on and it worked. I'm very happy now. I feel healthy and sane. I'm not obsessive. Working that out improved other parts of my life drasticly.

 

I had to dig into my FOO issues extreamely deeply to get to the bottom of my dysfunction. I had a lot of issues beyond a stepmother who I idolized in a very unhealthy way and who used that against me and made me a convenient sex toy for her. I really didn't realize how things in my childhood effected me.

 

Once I rolled up my sleeves and dived into my memories and pain everything got easier. Day by day.

 

If you want to read my story , I have a thread named "me and my stepmother so messed up". Or you could check my profile for the threads I've started. Even today I set aside time to work on me. I still see my IC. God my IC has been a God send. I couldn't have done this without her.

 

I've got a wonderful girlfriend now and I'm ready for a healthy relationship. I don't close my eyes and look away from my issues anymore. I did that for 10 years and it nearly destroyed me.

Edited June 19, 2018 by Adotta

[brokenandhopeless]

Also, regarding the above...I told myself the exact same thing during my affair. I was trying to justify my own poor choices. It was part of the mental gymnastics I did in order to make what I was doing "okay."

 

I just feel so checked out of my marriage because of my pining for MM. My husband is a great guy from a personality standpoint. I just can't seem to muster up the feelings.

[brokenandhopeless]

Thank you again to all of you who have taken the time to respond to me and help me out. In some ways, this has helped me immensely and I come back to LS everyday because now, that takes up some of the time and I love to hear about your success stories and also to know that I am not alone (though I wish you all good times).

 

 

Adotta: Yes spoke to H about the lack of certain things and he is trying but somehow I don't want him to fake it for me. I am uncertain whether he has such feelings for me or not and every time he attempts, I shut him off saying I don't want to try/change for me. I have this thought that people don't change/leopards don't change spots.

 

You are right that the vast majority of it is fantasy with MM. I realize that. I will read up your threads and I am glad that you are in a better place now. I can imagine the mental trauma you must have gone through. For 4 years, I've been in tears and on a roller coaster.

 

For a fact, I know that MM would never have married me because of my dysfunctional family. He likes things without drama and happy families. It's like this..you have a crush on Brad Pitt but you know he is unattainable and you don't even try. MM, he is in my orbit, and I keep thinking he is attainable...especially because he chats me up.. though I know he is not. If he were a far off acquaintance or didn't bother with chatting me up, I wouldn't care. It's possible that I am longing for him because he is cool and aloof and I want to be CHOSEN by him. He does talk himself up by saying how many women eye him and hence makes me feel special when he texts me or talks to me because I feel chosen by such a guy. I've put him up on a pedestal and I do know he has some narcissistic traits. I feel I am attracted to him because he looks great and has some amazing manly hobbies and some common interests though his personality could change a bit for the better. He can be pretty ruthless and dismissive at times. Anyway, none of that matters I suppose.

 

Not sure I have the guts to tell H because it would hurt him and I don't want to selfishly jeopardize my marriage which is my fallback. I know, the way I am thinking is despicable and my H doesn't deserve this.

Edited June 20, 2018 by brokenandhopeless

[Bittersweetie]

MM is 100% committed to his family. May be I should at least take that leaf out of his book and not be so stupid.

 

Just to note, I wouldn't be looking to MM as a positive example of a father. He's fooling around on his family, that is not 100% committed.

 

I agree with Adotta on the fantasy aspect. I see now, years later, how much of what I wanted and needed I projected onto my xAP. It made my xAP the "perfect man"...of course my H couldn't compete. My xAP was a person with flaws like any of us, but I massaged/ignored them to make them less important. It was again, more mental gymnastics to make what I was doing "okay."

 

What do you want as of right now? Do you want to be with your H only? Do you want to be with AP only? Do you want both? Maybe you need to decide what you want moving forward, and then you can make choices that support that decision. Because right now you sound a bit wishy-washy. If you make a decision, then you can move forward accordingly.

[Adotta]

"Adotta: Yes spoke to H about the lack of certain things and he is trying but somehow I don't want him to fake it for me. I am uncertain whether he has such feelings for me or not and every time he attempts, I shut him off saying I don't want to try/change for me. I have this thought that people don't change/leopards don't change spots."

 

That's dumb. I'm sorry. It just is. No wonder your husband hadn't changed. YOU HAVE SHOT HIS ATTEMPTS DOWN AT EVERY TURN. It's like asking a dog to lay down repeatedly and then giving it a smack every time it does. Then complaining that the dog wont lay down. Its stupid. Your basicly training your husband to be the way you claim you dislike.

 

Your being self defeating. I'm guessing you want to see him make the changes of his own accord. That's not how reality works. You have a duty to inform him what you want and then give him the chance to do it. That's how marriage works. That's how two responsible mature adults handle their differences.

 

People change all the time. I'm not the same person I was a year ago. The me from a year ago wasn't the same person as a year before that. The me of 5 years ago was a drug addict loser with very little morals. I was 100 pounds over weight and hated life itself. I blamed EVERYONE else in the world for what I had done to myself. I changed. I lost the weight. Quit the drugs. Got a job. I changed the way I thought about the world. Things I used to hate doing I know love. Things I used to live I know hate. People change all the time.

 

If you keep believing he can't change and then shoot down any attempts to change on his part that's YOUR fault.

 

The fact is your husband would have benifitted from the change as well. He would have had a stronger marriage. He is used to the status quo now. Don't be non confrontational. Don't avoid this. You will spend the rest of your life hurting your husband and not being a proper wife and life partner if you do.

 

Also telling him isn't what hurts him. It's the betrayal that did that. Don't mix the two up.

 

Also also please don't tell me you don't tell him to protect HIM. We all know who your protecting. YOU. Either your afraid of judgment or afraid of the turmoil it would cause, but it's no excuse. It's like if I stabbed someone who couldn't feel pain and then let them bleed out without informing them they are wounded, because I wanted to "protect" them from knowing i stabbed them. Its foggy logic.

 

When.... yes WHEN your husband finds out it will be 100 times easier to handle for him if the words come out of YOUR mouth. If he catches you he won't believe a single word you spout. Reconciliation is MANY times easier when the wayward spouse confesses of their own accord.

 

And yes most affairs come to light eventually. Seeing as you don't text him a million times a day and only meet very very rarely you probably have a better chance at not getting caught then most, BUT it's always a possibility. People get caught in the most stupid and odd of ways.

 

I've seen people get caught because they talked in their sleep. Sent a text to the wrong person. The spouse noticed changes. Someone spotted the wayward cheating. There are a million and one ways to get caught. Dont get caught. Be a moral person. Stop hiding yourself behind bad choices and faulty logic. Stop hiding your true being from the ONE person you never should hide anything from. Your husband. Remember hes a human being too. He doesnt have an infinite amount of time on this world. How much of it do you want to waste by lying to him? Hes not living a real life right now. He is living a fake life. Full of illusion and smoke and mirrors and his puppet master is his own wife.

 

Do you believe in God? If you do how will you explain this to God, Let alone your husband in heaven? I'm not religious just wondering if you are and how you deal with that idea.

 

Alright I'm going to stop talking about your husband for now. You didn't ask for advice on that so unless you ask for some advice on your marriage and husband I'll leave you be.

Edited June 20, 2018 by Adotta

[BluesPower]

Thank you! The funny thing is, I had it written out in a word document and was waiting to make sure I had captured everything. Thank you for keeping on me and for taking the time.

 

So let me back up a bit..My husband is a great, stable guy. I married him (classic mistake) on the rebound but if you look at him, everybody will be like "You can't get a guy more stable and responsible than him." But......there is no passion in my marriage or sex..Think twice a year at best. Of course he claims it's because we have arguments every so often or are busy or I spurn him off because I feel he is faking it for me. I am not sure if he is interested so i tell him not to bother. He says he is interested and I am blowing him off. I just want to feel emotionally and physically wanted. I just want a hug every so often. It's not sex really but it's more being wanted and appreciated. And like a lot of guys, yes he is not that expressive though he claims he loves me. I bet he does but just shows it like the strong and silent type. I feel sort of checked out of my marriage. If my H came and said he found another person, I will be relieved. I don't have the guts to call it quits because I am emotionally needy and would rather have somebody than nobody (yup selfish, I know!).

 

This other guy, somebody I've known for close to 17 years..I don't know what it is. He looks great, is good in bed (from the little fooling around) and we share some common interests that are important to me. He is affectionate towards me, granted it's just online. Of course, there are other important interests that I share with my husband that are not common between MM and me. I do know that had i married MM, life would have been very different. He is about 13 years older so I may have been a stay-at-home-mom because of his life phase and what not (not something I would have wanted to do). MM of course is pretty selfish at times and clueless and could cut me off in a heartbeat because hey, I am just a friend. Perhaps he is different with his wife. He did of course fool around when married because he claims his wife is ok with it. I dont know what it is with MM. I am strongly attracted because he is so manly in many ways (tinkers with cars, good sportsman), great looking, and shows affection to me in texting etc. I don't know if it's lust or more but right now, it's an addiction. Sigh. I don't know the other side of him. The side of him I know is what I know through texting and talking so I could be viewing him with rose-tinted glasses.

 

I just don't know...I feel like MM is the kind of guy I wanted to marry but didn't. Of course I would have given up some things in having to marry MM and compromised but I keep wondering if love and lust would have been enough for my having to give up a few things. With my H, no compromise, and he is supportive of my job and whatever I want to do. Of course I have some common interests with H but more important common ones with MM.

 

So to summarize:

 

H: stable, responsible. Not much passion or expressive. Have common interests that are important. Does love me.

 

MM: stable, responsible, passionate in bed and affectionate outwardly. Have common interests that are important (not the same interests as MM). Can be sometimes ruthless/clueless. Life may have been very different (may have had to compromise quite a bit) if I had married MM. Has manly interests and hobbies that I am like "wow."

 

The funny thing is, for 13 years i stayed away from MM and had the willpower and the guts to do it and in fact wondered why I was attracted. Then 4 years ago, I got attracted again and it coincided with the 7 year itch...Perhaps that? Perhaps more? I don't know.

 

I just want to feel wanted, hugged...etc. It's not sex or dirty talk. It's affection and being wanted. When MM texts me, I get a thrill that he wants to talk to me. I love seeing his text messages.

 

MM has made it clear that I am a very good "friend with online benefits" and that he is happily married.

 

Adotta, I may have more to add but here it is for now.

 

I have thought about how to help you... and I know that here you are answering @Adotta 's questions. But I have kept up with your thread and posted some things but frankly, it is so hard to keep track of all the OW/MW threads, BECAUSE THEY ALL SOUND SO SIMILAR...

 

So I want to give you this from several points of view MM, Your, and H's.

 

Some of this will sound harsh, some of it will sound even crude, but I assure you that everything I say is true. I also want to beg you to listen and think. You are at a crossroad in your life. It is hard to tell anyone which way to go, but at least I would like for you to think rationally and clearly with some facts that I hope will help you make some good decisions.

 

Disclaimer (To any Ex's of any type that are still stalking me, none of what I write is about any particular relationship or woman, so don't read it that way. To current GF, I am not this guy anymore and you should know that, but if you choose to read this, that is your decision.)

 

Some of this will apply to all you ladies involved in infidelity or with a MM, some of this will apply to all married men. I know that you all think your MM is a special snowflake, but the vast majority of them.

 

So @brokenandhopeless, about your MM. One thing I would like for you to clear up, is... Are you sleeping together during anytime of this affair, or did you sleep together when you were dating 14 years ago. It matters so please be honest.

 

What you need to understand is this: Men like me and your MM, can convince any woman that is attracted to me that I love them. Some of them I did, many I did not, but I did use some women for sex and ego kibbles many times. It is not that hard to do.

 

You see, men like your MM and me, actually love women in general. For the most part, I like hearing what they think about things, I enjoy commiserating with them about marriage, life, work, sex or the lack there of. I enjoy them. I think all woman are beautiful, yes some more than others, but really all of them are beautiful.

 

So men like us are considered Great lovers, not just because we are good in bed, confident with women, comfortable talking to them, making love to them, but because we actually like women and everything that goes along with them.

 

So you think your MM probably loves you, and you def love him. But if all of this is mostly online, it is all pure fantasy. Do you understand that?

 

He is good looking, good in bed (or he was when you had sex years ago) he is a sportsman, yada yada yada. You know, all of that is great. But you actually have know idea what he is really like in his day to day life. I can tell your this, he is a cheater. He does not respect his wife at all. Oh, and they have an arrangement, well lets talk about that.

 

If you wonder about that arrangement, which you do, call up his wife and check on that, would you. Because I am sure that she is not aware of it. But if he is telling the truth, then she will verify and not harm done. Then you can make arrangements to take a trip to see someone, and you two can meet up and have some great sex. I mean, why not?

 

What you have to understand is that you know nothing about the guy IRL. You think you know, but men like us can tall a woman anything that they want to hear, because we are good at it. We are romantic, we love being in "Love". I could go on, but I hope that you get the general idea.

 

Now let's talk about your husband. He is a good guy. A stable guy. A nice guy. But lets face it, he is your little beta husband, that YOU chose to marry and have children with. He is a good provider, a good father, and really a great husband. Oh, but his does not have any passion, he is not hot like OM is, he is not a sports man. But he provides a great home and life style to raise children in.

 

But, he is not great in bed, and he is not sexual enough. Well guess what, you knew that going in, and you wanted the safe provider that would be a great dad and good husband. That is on you.

 

Things you should know. Men in captivity, have lower testosterone levels than most men in the wild. This allows them to focus on taking care of kids, stop drinking and partying, stop chasing woman. It allows them to be safe partners, that can take the pressure of being the provider for a family, taking crap at work, and all the pressures of life that come along with it.

 

And, since he was safe and beta, he was not that experience with sex, yeah he was not a virgin, but he was not a player or he would not be safe.

 

Now for me, I was a bad boy that got tamed a little for several years. I gave up a lot for my family, stopped hunting because I could not afford it. Gave up my music career because it was not conducive to earning a living and raising a family. And I spent all my money taking care of a "Sick" wife and raising 3 kids. I spent my money for all their sports, musical instruments, lessons and whatnot. And I know that you work, but his income is the primary income.

 

So at that time, I was not a cool rock star anymore, or a sportsman. I knew how to fix things though because I grew up doing it and could not afford to have it done.

 

Ok, so you have lost attraction (and lets face it love) for your husband simply because he has become a sweet beta boy, which is exactly the reason that you married him in the first place.

 

But let me tell you this, if you blow up your marriage, and your husband gets back out in the wild, he will become, almost over night, much more attractive. He will start having sex with other, probably hotter younger, women. He will get more experience and become a better lover, and he will still have all the good qualities that you marred him for.

 

Think I am joking, OK, hide and watch. But understand, that younger women that are tired of dating losers with no job will find a divorced dad super attractive. While, frankly, a single mom with the baggage of several children, is not quite so attractive. Well, except to screw, because the just came out of a long term marriage, where she sex was not great, because both of them lost interest.

 

You say that he is not interested in sex. I will tell you why... Yeah his T is probably lower than it should be. But mostly, he know that you are not interested is sex with him. As a now bata male, he just figures that this is part of marriage and this is how it goes, no sex. So he is tired of being rejected by his wife. Oh, he knows that she loves him or he would not be there, but this is life and he has a family to raise.

 

And what have you done in the last few years to spice up the sex in your marriage. Have you talked to him about what you want, what you need? I think not, because you are board.

 

When is the last time that you caught him coming out of the shower and gave him a BJ to completion just because you love him and want to please him for being a great dad and husband? Oh, that long, OK?

 

So how about you: Well, you are board, but you don't want to rock that apple cart. Part of you loves your lifestyle and you are too much of a coward to divorce a man that you no longer love and are no longer attracted to. Through no fault of his own, you have lost interest, because it is boring.

 

But, you have not spent any time trying to really work on your marriage, help him learn about sex, helped out in the romance department.

 

No you have chosen to have an affair with a man that you really know nothing about, except that he cheats on his wife and with other women besides you, and the rest is a complete fantasy in your mind.

 

OK, so as you read all of this, does anything strike you, does anything register. I really hope that it does.

 

Think, about this. If you are not attracted to your husband, and you can actually admit that you don't love him anymore, why don't you divorce him and find someone that you do love and desire?

 

Does he deserve anything that you are doing to him, do your children? If you were not a coward, you would understand that the greatest kindness that he deserves, key word deserves, from you, if for you to let him go so that he can find a woman that loves and desires him.

 

Or, you could stop this foolishness with the OM, and devote yourself to making your marriage better. Help your husband to understand that you need communication, sex, affection, emotional support, and excitement and what ever else.

 

Those are you two paths, what do you think you should do...

 

So I will leave your thread alone now, I have tried to get you to look at this realistically, not to bash you, but hopefully to help you see clearly...Good Luck.

[Adotta]

Good post blues. Something tells me she won't listen. She seems to be caught in a loop. She is conflict avoiding and very foggy. I honestly think she has some issues with logic.

 

Here is what I do when I notice I'm not thinking straight and making excuses for myself so I can do down low and stupid things.

 

I take a step back. I frame my situation as if I'm not involved. As if it was different people all together. With an outside perspective it's usually much easier to SEE what the moral choices are and what choices are the horrible ones. Then I choose one of the moral choices and stick to it.

 

Act like your husband is one of your best friends. How would you want your best friends wife to treat him? Would you judge your best friends wife for acting like this to her husband? Would you accept her excuses or justifications? Would you understand and empathize with her when she tells you she is in love with another man and her husband is just boring? That she never plans on telling him?

 

I had an issue with doing moral things. I gave myself tons of excuses to do what I saw would make ME feel best.

 

At one point I had to decide what type of person I wanted to be. I decided I would do the moral thing every time. Not tomorrow. Not later. Not next week. No matter the consequences I do the moral thing now. 100 percent of the time. Anything less than 100 percent is a sad sorry excuse of an attempt.

 

You have two moral choices available to you imho.

 

1. Divorce your husband. Free him from the world of lies you have trapped him in. Let him live a genuine life.

 

2. Fix your marriage. It will involve a whole lot of truth and hard conversations. Fighting. Crying. And hopefully laughter and smiles one day. REAL ONES.

 

Also blues had it spot on. Your husband would become that alpha male you so desire if you two divorced. It's hard being an alpha when your married with kids and a divorce would wake him up to HIS needs damn quick.

 

Your OM can be an "alpha" because he isn't REALLY a husband and father. Not a good one at least. He has plenty of room in his head and life to chase after women and **** over his family while hunting and fishing. REAL men know they can't have both. Little boys want it all. Little boys don't care who they hurt. It's all about me me me.

Edited June 21, 2018 by Adotta