Author brokenandhopeless Posted July 5, 2019 Author Share Posted July 5, 2019 Broken One more point you mentioned about wasting money with IC. Most are now covered by Insurance. My copay is $25. Total no brainer. Call insurance company and find out which ones are in your network, then choose one. $25. Do it. It helped me a little, not as much as I would have liked, but I’ll take anything in the positive direction. Most of healing has to come from you. But the guidance certainly helps. Thanks! Yeah my plan will have me pay the first $2000 of any expense out of pocket unless I switch plans next year which has a co-pay option for a different plan. I am thinking of that or I just pay it out this year. How does one find a good therapist? I don't have a PCP. Is it via googling? Thanks. Link to post Share on other sites
Author brokenandhopeless Posted July 5, 2019 Author Share Posted July 5, 2019 @brokenandhopeless hang in there. I am at just 8 months NC with my xMM and sometime this month... I actually turned a corner. I don't know how to explain it except that I know I have so just hang in there and keep up with NC. Deactivate social media if you haven't already. That helped me more than anything... before that I was so obsessed I was checking fb like every 10 or 15 minutes… now it's LS... lol... I still love him and I always will but I personally can't handle the situation. My heart wants him beyond anyone.. but not as long as he is commit to another which he is... so like you I have stepped aside. I have adopted a "fake it till I make it" view and doing whatever I can to put myself out there and hopefully meet someone who has the time for me... The time a MM can't offer me. If he wants me at this point... well... he has to leave his wife... plain and simple... otherwise I am actually shopping for his replacement.... So glad you turned the corner and thank you for cheering me on. I've been trying to keep myself busy the last 2-3 days. Hopefully I can last through next week as well and make it through another week. Link to post Share on other sites
Author brokenandhopeless Posted July 5, 2019 Author Share Posted July 5, 2019 op, you can;t change what happened, but it does sound to me like you are putting in a lot of mental work to learn from your mistakes. You aren't running from them...you are trying really hard to face them head on. I understand how confusing it can be to still care for someone even though they are not good for you. When I was a teen, I had a relationship with a guy who was abusive. Even though he was terrible to me, after I got rid of him for good, in a sick way, I still missed him, but didn't know why. I got some counseling, and found that once I understood why I allowed myself to get into that relationship, and why I stayed, it made it easier to let it go. I wasn't missing him- I was missing the (scant) good feelings I got when I was with him. He'd always be so kind and caring after he was abusive- at least at first- and I missed that. The counselor helped me to see that I could get those same good feelings from someone else without the accompanying abuse. The hardest part was reaching a point where I believed that. Thank you pepperbird. Yup, going to get the counselling thing and see what I can do about coping mechanisms. This issue I have had definitely stems from earlier stages of life. Link to post Share on other sites
Author brokenandhopeless Posted July 5, 2019 Author Share Posted July 5, 2019 Broken, I don't think that right now is the time to be trying to forgive yourself. You have more important goals: starting full NC, learning a new coping skill in order to deal with AP/negative thoughts. Then, as you get stronger, you can start looking into why you thought your choices were okay, and what you can do differently moving forward. It's like you're driving a busted car on the highway, and all you're looking at is why the heck you bought this car in the first place, rather than focusing on finding a safe place to pull over. Someday you will figure out why you didn't walk away from the trouble...but that time isn't right now. Right now you need to focus on getting yourself to a safe place in order to heal and grow. As for therapy, I have found it worth it. I've been fortunate to have therapists who push me without being negative about it. Therapy provides a safe third party to bounce everything off of...the good steps forward and the bad steps backward. And maybe if you start actually spending the money, you actually will follow through on some things. Good luck. Thank you Bittersweetie. Yeah the last 2-3 days I've tried to push the "why" questions away because I don't think I will ever get that answer or closure quickly. I just want to take each day, each minute as it comes and put a foot forward. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author brokenandhopeless Posted July 5, 2019 Author Share Posted July 5, 2019 If you get a good therapist, definitely yes. It has helped my fWW immensely with her FOO issues, and also with appropriate boundaries and her strong need for validation. We shall see if the positive changes stick. She seems pretty committed to staying on the straight and narrow now. Time will tell. One more thing, there is a new rule. Call me controlling but the rule is NO MORE MALE FREINDS!! Especially at work. This is what got her into trouble in the first place and lead to a PA and a later EA with a different male co-worker. The bolded part gives me hope. As for male friends, I have plenty and never cross the line.....Until this one from back in the day. Link to post Share on other sites
Beentheretoooften Posted July 6, 2019 Share Posted July 6, 2019 Yup. He doesn't have to be and I respect that. And for 14 years of the 20, I never contacted him though he used to call occasionally to be naughty and I never crossed the line and spoke only about life and work (until I keeled 5 years ago). What I don't get is the intensity over the last 5 years in contacting me and 5 years ago he wanted to meet oh-so-badly. And when an event took me to his city, he bailed at the last minute to meet me for 30 mins. Since then, we met up a couple of more times and were naughty (never all the way) but I was the one instigating since I was hooked by then. I am just scratching my head over where I stand... why he continues to contact me and keep in touch if he doesn't want to meet me. I just don't know what I provide to him. Is it the few ego kibbles via phone when he tries to be naughty and I indulge? Like what?! Clearly he doesn't think we will meet any more in life. Clearly I am a secret. Clearly he has all the power to contact me and I can never contact him that easily. Heck, I wouldn't even know if he were dead or alive unless he contacted me. So why the heck does he reach out to me?!! I know I have not been honest in telling him the true extent of my feelings. First, I would consider yourself lucky that a) you didn’t go all the way and b) he doesn’t call you for meetups. Think about all the stuff you have read on here and how depressing and sad everyone is. Think about how worse you would be off if you saw him more. This obvs doesn’t help you today, but you have to trust that’s it’s better for you in the long run. I hope I didn’t lessen the importance that this is to you by my initial response. I was just more shocked by how infrequent it was. But I know, we all know the feeling you have. And too bad about the insurance situation. I feel like nothing is ever covered. Lol. To pay 150/200 per visit would turn away a lot. But I also need to say, I’ve been to 8 sessions I think so far, and I think LS, has been just as good. Real life experience, people that have lived it or are currently in the situation, sometimes can offer much more. Link to post Share on other sites
Scarlet86 Posted July 6, 2019 Share Posted July 6, 2019 To pay 150/200 per visit would turn away a lot. But I also need to say, I’ve been to 8 sessions I think so far, and I think LS, has been just as good. Real life experience, people that have lived it or are currently in the situation, sometimes can offer much more. This is my current dilemma. The closest therapist that takes my insurance is 90 miles away. I don’t want to pay the $150 a session and it turn out that I can work out all of these feelings on my own or by this message board. Link to post Share on other sites
Buffer Posted July 17, 2019 Share Posted July 17, 2019 (edited) As you say you are addicted to this person, you don’t care for his actions you just want him, he is a jerk to you, he is lying to you, he gaslights you, but he is for you? If you were to tell the MM that you want him 24/7 he will break it off and go NC. Please get help, work on your communication skills, work on your marriage skills. You just assume that you are going to have a sexless life with your husband. You assume this but won’t talk seriously to him about it. He just might have issues that you don’t know or understand. But you don’t care as the PA you are in is all consuming. What will your family think when you get caught? If you were to tell hubby what has been going on, that you need help. As this MM is affecting every facet of your life, your work is suffering, your children are suffering, believe me, your hubby is suffering and probably suspect something is going on. Tell MM you are leaving your OP for him and you are suspecting him to do the same so you can be together. He will go NC for life. Good luck R is the way to go! Edited August 16, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator rude Link to post Share on other sites
Buffer Posted August 10, 2019 Share Posted August 10, 2019 (edited) I just feel so checked out of my marriage because of my pining for MM. My husband is a great guy from a personality standpoint. I just can't seem to muster up the feelings. Write a no contact letter. Give it to him, change your number, then divorce your BS and children. You have stated on numerous posts that you shouldn’t have married your husband. Cut him and your children loose so they can find a true supportive spouse and step mum. Save him the pain of discovery you state manny times you don’t have the feelings for him. Good luck, the truth will set you free. Edited August 16, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator rude Link to post Share on other sites
Author brokenandhopeless Posted August 14, 2019 Author Share Posted August 14, 2019 (edited) For the record, I've met him 5 times in 20 years. Just 3 of those times was fooling around and it was like a couple of teenagers and never, ever all the way through (not that that mitigates any of my actions at all but no STDs etc). I met him last around 2+ years ago. I have LC bordering on NC most of the time. The conversations are just "Hi, how are you" if at all we communicate. I am already going through a lot of mental processing with this. I am taking it just one day at a time and not thinking about the next day. I have enough strength to tell myself to just get through the day and to be dignified that day. I can't think about the next day, or the day after. The only thing left for me is to come clean to my husband at some point about having a one-sided EA. Edited August 16, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
Amethyst68 Posted August 14, 2019 Share Posted August 14, 2019 When you confess please do not minimise your affair. By your own admission you had a PA with this man and meet with him a further 5 times over the years. The only reason you stored the meet ups is because he no longer wants them, the same with the phone conversations and other contacts. You need to own the fact that the only team this affair did not go further is due to this man's inaction not your choice. Link to post Share on other sites
Author brokenandhopeless Posted August 15, 2019 Author Share Posted August 15, 2019 I agree Amethyst68. But of the 5 times I met him, 2 were before I even knew my husband. If/when I come clean, I will be truthful. The truth is, it is one-sided from me. But I won't minimize the extent of my mental attachment etc. But I agree with your points. Link to post Share on other sites
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