Finding strength to break the addiction

[Artdeco]

Being “addicted” to the attention and affection is definitely hard to break. I’m sorry you’re going through this. The only surefire way to get over him is finding a replacement, which is not healthy, because you’re married. If your M is not great and there is no passion, you’ll always pine for him, because he’s giving you something you’re missing. Do you love your H? Do you want to stay together?

 

Only Time will heal. Give it time. Working out helps most people with the dopamine balance and as a distraction. Try that in the meantime. It’s going to be tough, but you can do this.

[Cali408]

Just ghost him and move on. Block his number, his email and any social media that you're "friends."

 

Affairs are selfish relationships, if you're not getting what you want out of it, quit it. He did by not wanting to be physical

 

Change your phone number and stay off social media.

 

Poof, vanish

[brokenandhopeless]

Do you love your H? Do you want to stay together?

 

Only Time will heal. Give it time. Working out helps most people with the dopamine balance and as a distraction. Try that in the meantime. It’s going to be tough, but you can do this.

 

 

Artdeco: Thank you. I love my H but it's more like a passive roommate kind of situation. I brought up the lack of physical affection and sex the last couple of days with him. And then I wonder, I married him warts and all and who am I to ask him to change for me? And the vicious cycle starts that I am destined to live this passionless life, married, pining for another and not knowing where this will end. I do walk about 1.5 hours per day. The most difficult times are when I am at work and have the urge to contact. I've lost interest in my work though it is a great job and company and I could do so much there. Thank you for your support. I fully acknowledge that I am emotionally needy, partly due to a childhood that lacked warmth and comfort. However, no justification for wanting an MM that I can never have.

[brokenandhopeless]

Just ghost him and move on. Block his number, his email and any social media that you're "friends."

 

Affairs are selfish relationships, if you're not getting what you want out of it, quit it. He did by not wanting to be physical

 

Change your phone number and stay off social media.

 

Poof, vanish

 

Cali408, I did this so many times only to reach out again and contact him and add him back. The funny thing is, he stays in touch when he wants to and when he is bored....4 years ago it was all out flattery and attention from him and now not so much. I suppose that's the nature of most affairs. I just don't know how to convince myself in my head that there is interesting stuff out there in life without this. I've always been emotionally and physically needy, wanting PDA and the lack of that in my life is the most difficult thing for me.

[lhgirl]

I am in this exact same position, or was. The days without contact went longer and longer. I have broken the silence every time since mid March.

 

In April I pushed to see him (i had not seen him since December and wanted to see him desperately). It didn't go over well and i got the silent treatment - (ghosting?). I finally contacted him after 18 days. He responded right away and we talked three weeks. I mentioned seeing him again -- he went silent again. We are now at Day 23. (hopefully I'll stop counting days soon.....)

 

I never thought I could go 5 or 6 days, much less this many. But every day I get a little stronger. Every day I get back a little self respect (not much but every bit counts). Every day I can clearly look at what a pathetic, needy, person I turned into. And I see what I am lacking and where I am vulnerable.

 

There is a huge, huge hole inside me that has to do with rejection. It is HIM that I miss on some level, but it is the rejection that brings the tears. The fact that for more than 6 months he did not want to spend 2 minutes with me still hurts deeply. I didn't even want to have sex, just get a good look at him. I was fine with it staying an EA and not turning into a PA. But I needed the validation that i was pretty enough to see again in person.

 

 

IC was not helpful but that's just me.

[ladydesigner]

I am so disgusted with myself. Here I am, a woman who swore she would never indulge in going after an MM after having seen her parents deal with infidelity. Why I long for a guy who doesn't want me the same way I want him is something I can't fathom. Somehow I am not able to get past this fog and believe that there is happiness out there. I must be big-time mentally messed up. I just don't know when enough is going to be enough.

 

 

This is a FOO (family of origin) issue. I believe you are trying to right your situation from childhood by reenacting it and hoping for a different outcome. Have you ever talked with a therapist about this?

[lhgirl]

Won't let me edit to add this:

 

You are dealing with old toxic emotions that are keeping you tied to this man more than you know. Do whatever you need to in order to get past old pains and emotions that are creeping up into the present. Even if you ended things with this man today, you would not be solving the root of the problem. Get to the root and fix it or you are doomed to keep repeating it.

 

You have told yourself you are weak, but you're wrong. You are strong, capable, independent and better off without him. Keep telling yourself that because deep down you KNOW it is true. It has the harsh ring of truth doesn't it? He is not your everything and you CAN get out of this depression. It will take some work but you are not weak.

[brokenandhopeless]

ladydesigner: Thank you. While the emotional neediness stems probably from childhood, I don't think the outcome of my parents' marriage is something I am looking to right.

 

Lhgirl: the longest I have gone is 10 days without NC. 10 excruciating days and in contact again. And like you, it hurts me to think he doesn't want to meet when he used to want to. I don't even want the fooling around. Like you, I just want to spend time with him. Any many of our conversations are about other wordly things, life, finances, philosophy etc..So for me, it was not just the fooling around part. I am itching to share the most inane things with him. Of course, he doesn't have such feelings towards me at all.

 

I am strongest in the resolve to NC when I am down in the dumps because I am miserable and I swear to myself I don't want to go through this torture. The days I feel ok and my mood lifts, I am a danger to myself and I say "Oh why be so sad in life, oh happy days, contact, be happy, it's ok." It's those ok and happy days that trip me up.

 

More than anything I keep wondering why he pursued me relentlessly in the beginning and in fact wanted to meet up for sexual fun and then all of a sudden did a U-turn when I started responding. It is that unfairness where I didn't seek something, but it came my way, and I responded....and now I am emotionally attached. uhhhh

Edited June 14, 2018 by brokenandhopeless

[Cali408]

You need to be happy for what you have vs. what you don't have. Channel your energies away from it.

 

Your goal should be to have the best life. Start exercising if you don't already, find hobbies and other passion to fill your boredom.

 

No contact is the skin that heals the wound. Everytime you break no contact, you pick the scab and start to bleed.

 

Do this mentally, when you're having a great day. Think about watching a movie which you star in. People in the movie try to make you break no contact. Would you let these people do it to you ? You'd yell "STOP" at the TV screen. Same thing. Stop abusing yourself

[brokenandhopeless]

Thank you cali408. Yup I told myself I wouldn't today, broke it, and came away feeling bad because of an awkward conversation. Somehow it is the fear that if this breaks completely...what would I do? Would life be interesting at all? You are right that every time I break it, I come away feeling bad and I start from 0.

 

I need to let go of the fear and trust that life will be better without this.

 

I am hoping at least from tomorrow, uh I have some strength.

[brokenandhopeless]

What would it take to convince myself that the fleeting highs are not worth it? And that, however much I tell myself he was the "one that got away" it may not be so..ie..he is not so great as I project him to be in my head?

[lhgirl]

Just as you have told yourself you are weak, maybe you have convinced yourself that he is the one that got away as well. Can you look objectively at all and tell yourself you are better off without him?

 

I cannot fathom 4 years of this and won't pretend I could. Ending things will suck and then the temptation is to get some type of 'feel good' going on and that only comes with contact with AP. I think this is like a drug addiction. The highs are addicting and the lows are all about figuring out how to get back to the highs.

 

There seems to be no happy medium - which is what real life is all about. I think healthy relationships are without this drama. Which is why you are finding nothing to look forward to right now.

 

Here is what I am trying to learn and I'll share. Instead of looking for the answer about what the future holds, it is easier to take a single day at a time. Telling myself after I got through day 1, that I can get through day 2, and keep on going. It is crazy how fast the days go by.

 

It is sometimes a hour by hour process. If you look too far ahead and think life will be boring, you'll be overwhelmed and give up before you give it a good effort.

 

Try to have faith that life will not be boring. Life has a way of throwing things at us we least expect that will take our time and attention. Soon life will start interrupting your thoughts of him, rather than thoughts of him interrupting the rest of your life.

[brokenandhopeless]

Lhgirl, thank you for your post and advice. Much appreciated.

 

Objectively I can say that I am better off without this but it's my heart that's not there yet. I blame myself for today's awkward conversation (which wouldn't have happened had I not contacted because we left things yesterday on a good note) and for blowing it yet again. My wanting the crumbs makes me behave needy and erratically and I blame myself constantly for this going south. I've been told not to contact the next 3 days due to a family event so the real battle will be on Monday when I would have gone 3 days without contact and will be ripping myself checking my phone. I hope I have the strength and willpower. Right at this moment I am sitting with a glass of tequila, crying, and hoping for some sort of relief.

 

Funnily though I knew him before our marriages, post my marriage, for 10 years I thought to myself he is not my kind of guy and used to think of him as a leech that just went after the fun he wanted. I knew he would drop me like a pot of hot water if his wife found out. I don't know what changed in the last 4 years that I started obsessing about him...may be the boredom in my own marriage.

 

You are right that I should not think too far out and take it minute by minute. My thoughts are so obsessive that literally I have to work minute by minute and hour by hour. I do hope life throws something my way to keep myself busy. I keep thinking, may be if I have something as crippling as cancer or something, that will keep me busy for a few months and it will be the end of it all. I know, I sound pathetic. I am already on antidepressants. I am going to do my best on Monday and try hard this weekend to harden my heart. Tomorrow will also be tough without contact but what choice do I have but to accept as is and try to move on as you say.

 

This has definitely been the most traumatic chapter in my life so far and I wouldn't wish it on even my worst enemy.

Edited June 15, 2018 by brokenandhopeless

[Aloha123]

Gosh you are describing how waiting to hear from him, resisting the urge to contact him, can sometimes literally be a minute to minute struggle. and the days waiting to hear and knowing you are probably not going to because they are out of town is the worst.

I always think it means that he has lost his interest, and that our relationship is over/doomed.

I used to think that would be the end of the world. At least since finding this forum, I understand that, at least objectively, this would probably ultimately be the best outcome in the long run, so that has made "not hearing from him" and "me not contacting him" less devastating than before, and slightly easier, though it is far from easy!

[brokenandhopeless]

Aloha123, gosh I am literally down in the dumps today and knowing yesterday's awkward conversation is because of me...i keep blaming myself for this going south because I wanted more than he could offer. If only I had kept my mouth shut and played along according to his rules. I am trying to tell myself not to contact next week and I hope I have some dignity. But given I've never followed through, I won't be surprised if I did end up contacting and beating myself again. Right now, this minute is a struggle. My rational objective mind is so far away from what my heart wants. I should just beat it into my head that he is happily married and has lost interest in me, particularly when he said he didn't want to see me anymore and was happy to remain in touch via just texting.

[brokenandhopeless]

What sort of a cruel twist of fate is this that I obsess over a guy whom I'd tried to stay away from? And he comes back, lures me, only to lose interest. Darn. I am so mad at the universe right now for putting me through this. (yes, yes you may say I brought this upon myself). Here I am agonizing, pining and I can see him online but not having contacted me. That should tell me something and you would think that after all these years I'd have some sense knocked into me. I didn't know I had the capacity to withstand this level of pain for 4 whole years...tenacity in the wrong situation.

[Aloha123]

Aloha123, gosh I am literally down in the dumps today and knowing yesterday's awkward conversation is because of me...i keep blaming myself for this going south because I wanted more than he could offer. If only I had kept my mouth shut and played along according to his rules. I am trying to tell myself not to contact next week and I hope I have some dignity. But given I've never followed through, I won't be surprised if I did end up contacting and beating myself again. Right now, this minute is a struggle. My rational objective mind is so far away from what my heart wants. I should just beat it into my head that he is happily married and has lost interest in me, particularly when he said he didn't want to see me anymore and was happy to remain in touch via just texting.

 

Although it hurts and is depressing, in some ways when the lack of interest is coming from the MM, it makes NC easier because their is little choice involved on our part -- there is no need to "try to be strong" in resisting him because is in some ways out of our control at that point anyway. I find it feels more like a normal breakup during those times, and in a way that is almost easier than the no-man's land of NC when you both are still invested in the affair.

[brokenandhopeless]

The funny thing is, every so often he will contact me. I don't know why. But after yesterday's awkwardness, I don't think he will. Some days, I am totally ok going NC but only when things end on a good note. When NC happens because things didn't end on a good note, I end up blaming myself constantly and thinking of the what-ifs. It is easier for me to do NC on a good note than a bad one.

[CantTakeMySmile]

The funny thing is, every so often he will contact me. I don't know why. But after yesterday's awkwardness, I don't think he will. Some days, I am totally ok going NC but only when things end on a good note. When NC happens because things didn't end on a good note, I end up blaming myself constantly and thinking of the what-ifs. It is easier for me to do NC on a good note than a bad one.

 

 

 

What was the awkwardness over?

[brokenandhopeless]

What was the awkwardness over?

 

Well, I contacted about some worldly thing such as mortgage rates and a discussion over that....I did get responses but when I sensed I didn't get the attention, I went a bit crazy. All this is my seeking the crumbs of attention. Finally we did speak for a few minutes but it was not a usual conversation that is full of happiness. At one point during the texting, I did say that I learned lessons and to not disturb one who doesn't want to be disturbed. Truth be told, MM was busy yesterday but in my attention-seeking moment, I was not calm so the mistake is mine...so a few awkward exchanges then. This is why I end up blaming myself. I contact, expecting attention and things don't go as planned and I blame myself for things going south. I've done this so many times now over the past year that I think he is fed up and will break this off if not already being on that mode. He doesn't like drama or tough conversations.

[CantTakeMySmile]

Well, I contacted about some worldly thing such as mortgage rates and a discussion over that....I did get responses but when I sensed I didn't get the attention, I went a bit crazy. All this is my seeking the crumbs of attention. Finally we did speak for a few minutes but it was not a usual conversation that is full of happiness. At one point during the texting, I did say that I learned lessons and to not disturb one who doesn't want to be disturbed. Truth be told, MM was busy yesterday but in my attention-seeking moment, I was not calm so the mistake is mine...so a few awkward exchanges then. This is why I end up blaming myself. I contact, expecting attention and things don't go as planned and I blame myself for things going south. I've done this so many times now over the past year that I think he is fed up and will break this off if not already being on that mode. He doesn't like drama or tough conversations.

 

 

 

So, he doesn't like you being needy. And you are willing to shut down your feelings/actions in order for him to feel comfortable enough to remain in contact with you?

[CantTakeMySmile]

he said he didn't want to see me anymore and was happy to remain in touch via just texting.

 

 

Wait, how did I not see this part? You don't see this man? What are you getting out of this? Just curious.

Edited June 15, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[brokenandhopeless]

So, he doesn't like you being needy. And you are willing to shut down your feelings/actions in order for him to feel comfortable enough to remain in contact with you?

 

It kills me each time but what choice do I have? If I don't act per his rules then I fear this will break and he would let me go. My rational mind right now is saying the right thing is for this to break. Grrrrrr if only my heart were in sync.

[brokenandhopeless]

Wait, how did I not see this part? You don't see this man? What are you getting out of this? Just curious.

 

Just the occasional feeling of being wanted by someone for a conversation and for a sexual chat....Just feeling wanted and the crumbs of affection I get. And lusting/longing for a man I keep thinking I should have married.

Edited June 15, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[brokenandhopeless]

Truth be told, the hardest part I have in all this, even after 2 decades, is that I didn't get to marry him or be with him. I somehow hold him on a pedestal because he has all that I look for in a guy. He of course, made the choice to marry somebody else.