Finding strength to break the addiction

[brokenandhopeless]

One thing over the past 10 days that has shifted in me....I no longer blame him or feel any ill will towards him. I have sort of left things to the "universe" saying whatever is to come my way, will. I don't blame myself anymore because all the things that happened were because I deeply "felt." Every time I get the urge, I try to pull up the image of his W and my H to reinforce the fact that what i have done is not ethical or right and I should not continue it. I am sort of forgiving myself bit by bit. Every so often I do get the insecure feeling of why I was not good enough but well, I need to work on that too.

[grass-hopper]

Brokenandhopeless

 

10 days seems like a milestone. Good for you. Does it get easier as the days pass?

I know you had a minor setback. But if you did 10, now you can aim for longer and hopefully forever.

What was the contact like? Was he receptive?

You are making progress in not blaming but accepting.

Edited July 20, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
No need for previous quotes ~ V

[brokenandhopeless]

Grass-hopper: Well those 10 days were easy because I was on travel and had no cell service where I was. So it was easier. Now that I am back to civilization and reached out last week, I am stuck. Weekend is NC. Today is especially hard but whenever I feel like reaching out, I am writing my thoughts and whatever I wanted to reach out for, on a piece of paper. There are so many things I want to tell him and I keep telling myself "I HAVE to share this with him" and then I remind myself that there would be many, many things I will want to share with him but I have to stop somewhere. It hasn't gotten easier for sure. I am a long way away. The only thing that has changed is, I have accepted that I've done my best and realize I am hoping for a situation that will never come to pass.

 

During contact, yes it was all hunky dory, lovey-dovey. Of course, this is all just fantasy world and I have to keep reminding myself that despite online contact, he doesn't want to see me. So back to writing on a paper all day today. Wish me luck that I get through today!

[CantTakeMySmile]

Good luck today! ANd tomorrow!

[Aloha123]

Broken and Hopeless, I have been following your thread closely for several weeks now because your situation and mindset remind me so much of mine, and I have to say I definitely see some progress in the past 2 weeks. Like something is starting to shift in you. Don't let your temporary slips derail you. Remember that is part of the process.

Edited July 25, 2018 by Aloha123

[brokenandhopeless]

Good luck today! ANd tomorrow!

 

Thank you! I stayed away yesterday and despite bad thoughts, I felt pretty pleased as a punch. He messaged me today and I know I have a super busy day today. So well...I am going to take back control today and not respond much.

[brokenandhopeless]

Broken and Hopeless, I have been following your thread closely for several weeks now because your situation and mindset remind me so much of mine, and I have to say I definitely see some progress in the past 2 weeks. Like something is starting to shift in you. Don't let your temporary slips derail you. Remember that is part of the process.

 

Thanks Aloha. Yesterday I stayed away and was proud of myself. He pinged me today but I know I have a super crazy day today...and I've made plans to keep myself super busy at work tomorrow and if if I have downtime, then to hit the work gym, do groceries etc. Every time my thoughts loop around him or imaginary conversations in my head with him, I shut them down immediately and do something else to keep me busy. Aloha, I wish you the very, very, very best in all this. I can completely empathize. I still can't believe how 4 years ago I used to ignore him and now he is like my everyday emotional crutch/anchor. Geez, how life turns.

 

Thank you all so much for putting sense in my head and helping me on this journey. Your support has been amazing.

[Littlenana]

Hi I am going through the situation you have described down to a t. I must say its one of the most miserable situations to be in. And I honestly am trying my very best to get out of it.

[Littlenana]

Broken and hopeless,

 

 

My situation is almost the same as yours in that, whilst my H was away with work in another city communication between us came to an almost standstill. I highlighted this to him several times and things did not improve. Whilst at tht another guy at my workplace (MM) (I will call him WD)with a family in another country started talking to me. At first it was nothing but the usual banter weather, politics etc. I found him very interisting due to cultural differences and soon the conversation turned sexual. He was sooooo sweet to me and spoilt me rotten. He would cook for me. Buy little gifts for me and would spend several hours a day in my office talking and making me laugh. Soon enough I forgot that my H wasnt really communicating and almost all my time was spent with WD. The rship did not turn sexual immediately however as I held out due to he obvious fact that I am married and also my beliefs. After 7 months of intense kissing and all he took me out for lunch for valentines day. Thereafter we went to his place and as usual one thing led to another we kissed and the inevitable happened. We had sex. In all these seven months however he would sometimes just move away from me. He would appear as if he was avoiding me sometimes and I would suffer. He would then come back stronger and mo resolute. I changed jobs however and it became worse. He doesnt call doesnt txt. When he does its for sex. He makes it clear that thats what he wants only. He makes it clear as well that there should be no emotions involved. Unfortunately I had developed a strong emotional connection to him and I am suffering. I block him and unblock him more than i can count. When i get the courage to move on he sends breadcrumbs and i immediately cave in. After we do have sex he never ever communicates save for when he wants more. I am broken and hopeless. I do not even know where to begin.

[Littlenana]

Everyday I wake up and hope I have the strength to not contact but I fail everyday. Here is wishing I have some pride and dignity tomorrow. Sigh. I wish all of you out there the very best. I just know how tough this is and how we wish we could turn back time and not be in this situation. The funny thing is, if one of my friends were going through this, I’d be aghast And would totally tell her/him to cut all contact with such a selfish person....I just can’t seem to see that rationality for myself. Sometimes I passively wish for death than to be in this situation....if a truck were to plough into me, I’d be totally ok..that’s my mental state.

Wow. Glad to know I am not alone. I do wish for death too sometimes than to be in this situation. I have told myself whenever I go to bed that I do not want to wake up to face another day in this horrid situation.

[brokenandhopeless]

Littlenana, will respond to you in detail over the weekend or Monday. I haven't been doing too good because I respond to his breadcrumbs and I've been feeling terrible all week(end). I took an antidepressant today (though it is supposed to be taken regularly and not on and off).. i was just thinking to myself today...What have I become? Where have I come? Some days I am strong and other days..uhhh. I will respond to you for sure and know you are not alone.

[brokenandhopeless]

Broken and hopeless,

 

 

My situation is almost the same as yours in that, whilst my H was away with work in another city communication between us came to an almost standstill. I highlighted this to him several times and things did not improve. Whilst at tht another guy at my workplace (MM) (I will call him WD)with a family in another country started talking to me. At first it was nothing but the usual banter weather, politics etc. I found him very interisting due to cultural differences and soon the conversation turned sexual. He was sooooo sweet to me and spoilt me rotten. He would cook for me. Buy little gifts for me and would spend several hours a day in my office talking and making me laugh. Soon enough I forgot that my H wasnt really communicating and almost all my time was spent with WD. The rship did not turn sexual immediately however as I held out due to he obvious fact that I am married and also my beliefs. After 7 months of intense kissing and all he took me out for lunch for valentines day. Thereafter we went to his place and as usual one thing led to another we kissed and the inevitable happened. We had sex. In all these seven months however he would sometimes just move away from me. He would appear as if he was avoiding me sometimes and I would suffer. He would then come back stronger and mo resolute. I changed jobs however and it became worse. He doesnt call doesnt txt. When he does its for sex. He makes it clear that thats what he wants only. He makes it clear as well that there should be no emotions involved. Unfortunately I had developed a strong emotional connection to him and I am suffering. I block him and unblock him more than i can count. When i get the courage to move on he sends breadcrumbs and i immediately cave in. After we do have sex he never ever communicates save for when he wants more. I am broken and hopeless. I do not even know where to begin.

 

Sorry it took me a while to respond but my situation is similar to yours. MM contacts me only for "online fun." and then ignores me. Of course he does send breadcrumbs every now and then and says "he loves me" but oh well, that's all talking for fun. In my situation of course, he lives waaaay far away and it's all just virtual. It took me 4 years but after 4 years now, I don't hold out hope anymore for any fantasy. That is a big step I just crossed the last couple of weeks. And every time I get the urge to contact him, I consciously bring to my mind, pictures of his family and my H. I have also stopped asking the "why" questions....why things couldn't have been different, why I didn't get to marry him etc. These are futile and I will NEVER get answers to these. Now my next step is to cut off communication. While I can now stay away 3-4 days at a time, every so often he will contact me and throw me a crumb and I will respond. I still don't (yet!) have the strength to tell him to leave me alone but I will get there. Last week he threw me crumbs...this week, silence and I am hurting. But I will get there..or so I hope.

 

Your MM is the same as mine. Your MM has been very clear, like mine, that this is just for fun. Unfortunately, some of us women/men can't play the "friends with benefits but no emotions" game well. I am emotionally attached to him as you are and I have no way of telling him this either because he will ignore me. The best is to go NC. I can't preach much on that topic because I haven't been very successful but the other posters here have great advice.

 

I can tell you this, don't waste years like me. It is not worth it. After 4 years, I came to the conclusion that this is going nowhere when I knew it in my gut all along... just that my heart held out stupid hope for something that was never going to come to pass.

 

It's tough. We now feel like MM is an integral part of our life (and hence the addiction) and it hurts when they don't feel the same way about us and it's just "fun" for them. They have been honest about their intentions...just that we got our emotions tangled and can't play that game well. None of us ever wish to be in this situation. I can empathize with you. Try to go NC one day at a time, say 1 day, then 2 days, then 3 days. Like a previous poster here said, try to just get through the day and worry about the next day later. I am trying to do that though I keep tripping after a few days. But I will get there.

 

Good luck and keep me posted. You are not alone and this is not a situation that any of us ever imagined we would be in.

[Littlenana]

Broken and hopeless you could not have said it better. Thank you for emphasizing NC as I am now on that journey. Right now I am on day 5 NC and I have a much clearer perspective of things. MM is also out of my jurisdiction so I guess it makes things easier as I do not get to see him. I am enjoying NC somewhat though its hard and there are days I just want to say something or ask a question. It does however get easier with each day and I pray that with each hour, day I find more strength and calmness in the situation. To strengthen you broken and hopeless please also keep doing NC. I like that you have been busy with work. I hope that applies to all aspects and that overshadows the desire to talk with MM.Also one thing that keeps me going is to read inspirational quotes and absorb them. See quotes and notes on Facebook. Also I try to take care of my image obsessively now so that I look my optimum best and gain more confidence. It also helps me with self love and self appreciation which is one thing the MM takes away from me all the time. All I can say is the struggle is real and I do wish you the best. We will get through this.

[brokenandhopeless]

Broken and hopeless you could not have said it better. Thank you for emphasizing NC as I am now on that journey. Right now I am on day 5 NC and I have a much clearer perspective of things. MM is also out of my jurisdiction so I guess it makes things easier as I do not get to see him. I am enjoying NC somewhat though its hard and there are days I just want to say something or ask a question. It does however get easier with each day and I pray that with each hour, day I find more strength and calmness in the situation. To strengthen you broken and hopeless please also keep doing NC. I like that you have been busy with work. I hope that applies to all aspects and that overshadows the desire to talk with MM.Also one thing that keeps me going is to read inspirational quotes and absorb them. See quotes and notes on Facebook. Also I try to take care of my image obsessively now so that I look my optimum best and gain more confidence. It also helps me with self love and self appreciation which is one thing the MM takes away from me all the time. All I can say is the struggle is real and I do wish you the best. We will get through this.

 

Hope you are doing well. Last week was good. Today I am struggling. Oh well . Trying to stay super busy.

[grass-hopper]

Brokenandhopeless, how are you and your efforts to stay away?

[brokenandhopeless]

Brokenandhopeless, how are you and your efforts to stay away?

 

Not good grass-hopper. Thank you for checking. Last week we were in contact. I feel so ashamed of myself and my need. My rational mind knows all this is useless but I feel I need that "fix." I am cringing as I type this. Uhhhh.

 

I keep asking myself constantly what sort of a person I am who is not upfront with her hubby, coveting another woman's man (who doesn't feel the same way about me and just wants all this virtual), and not paying enough attention to my kids in this whole process...suffice to say, I am not feeling proud of myself. I just wish a truck would hit me.

Edited August 27, 2018 by brokenandhopeless

[grass-hopper]

I keep asking myself constantly what sort of a person I am who is not upfront with her hubby, coveting another woman's man (who doesn't feel the same way about me and just wants all this virtual), and not paying enough attention to my kids in this whole process...suffice to say, I am not feeling proud of myself. I just wish a truck would hit me.

 

Wow, you just described me. This is exactly how I feel. You are not alone. Remember this. You are not the first person to do this. You won’t be the last. You’re not a heathen. You’re a human. Yes the decisions we have made are wrong. But that doesn’t deserve damnation or death by a truck.

 

If it were easy, this forum wouldn’t exist. You’re not alone in your journey.

[brokenandhopeless]

Wow, you just described me. This is exactly how I feel. You are not alone. Remember this. You are not the first person to do this. You won’t be the last. You’re not a heathen. You’re a human. Yes the decisions we have made are wrong. But that doesn’t deserve damnation or death by a truck.

 

If it were easy, this forum wouldn’t exist. You’re not alone in your journey.

 

Thank you grass-hopper. Boy has this been the toughest challenge in life so far!

I hope you are doing well. I am waiting for the day for the shoe to drop and prepping myself because I know certain life situations are going to cause him to disappear and instead, like all the wise people here have said, I am trying to pull myself out first, for my sake and my family's. I know he is going to disappear someday. Gee what a curveball in life! Oh well, at least the weekend's here!

[Angelica21]

Dear brokenandhopeless,

 

So very much of your experience is the same as my experience.

 

You are correct to describe it as an addiction.

 

I was able to break my addiction to the MM who is now my xMM.

 

It took me 10 years. I don't want you to suffer through this for so many years.

 

I want to help you to break your addiction.

 

Do you want my help here online?

 

There are several approaches that we can try simultaneously.

 

But I'd like to focus on just one that might be the most effective.

 

I'm very concerned that one of your posts mentioned something like: the time that you think about and act on your addiction is taking away time from your children.

 

Protecting your children might be one of the most powerful ways to break your addiction.

 

Are you in the U.S. like me? It's Saturday afternoon here.

 

Do you believe that you are capable of taking NO ACTION re: the MM for the remainder of today? Are you willing to answer to this thread if you have NO ACTION for the remainder of today.

 

I want to assure you how good you will feel when the spell is broken and you have graduated to permanent NC. Please believe that the pleasure you'll feel after successful permanent NC is majorly better than any emotional boosts that you are getting now via interaction with the MM.

 

I am the voice of successful experience and I can help you if you want my help.

 

Waiting to hear from you !!

[brokenandhopeless]

Hi Angelica, Sorry I didn't get back sooner on today's status. He reached out to me today and I spoke to him. It was just usual chit-chat. So today was a failure from the NC standpoint. I find myself doing all sorts of things at work to accommodate his calling me/texting me etc. That sucks, especially when I have meetings what not and possibly folks have noticed it. Yup as I type it I see the foolishness of what I am doing.

 

I know he is not going to text/call me over the long weekend so the real battle would have to start Tuesday (yes in the U.S.). I could use any and all help and thank you. However, please be gentle with me if it takes a few tries.

 

I am sorry you had to go through 10 years. I hope you have emerged stronger and thank you for reading through and being supportive.

Edited September 1, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Angelica21]

Dear B,

 

I will be patient and gentle with you. Please plan to always tell me the truth about whether you've communicated with MM or not. I want to help you, not stress you or punish you. But I hope to be effective for you, because that's what you said you need. Going all the way back to your original post "Finding the strength to break the addiction."

 

Let's kick around some different ideas of comfort level, and different strategies.

 

As we progress, you and I are going to discuss black-and-white achievable goals, and you are going to choose a black-and-white achievable goal to accomplish.

 

The process to create any black-and-white goal will always be these same three steps:

 

Step 1 Say to yourself a true statement about a specific item that is causing you significant emotional stress, physical stress, or both.

 

Step 2 Say to yourself a specific action to that will solve the problem of Step 1

 

Step 3 Tell MM the exact problem that you identified in Step 1, and inform him about the specific action you chose in Step 2. Then follow up by doing the action that you chose in Step 2.

 

So let me give you an example.

 

Step 1 "Communicating with MM when I'm at work is causing me significant emotional stress, headaches and stomach aches. Phone calls, emails and texts with MM are reducing my ability to complete my job adequately, and ruining the concentration required for my job. Phone calls, emails and texts with MM are putting me at risk of being reprimanded at work."

 

Step 2 "On my phone, I will Block Contact for MM's cell phone so his calls and texts to me will not even appear on my phone."

 

Step 3 On Tuesday, Sep 4th do not answer any of his texts, wait for him to call you. When he calls you, tell him verbatim "I have some bad news for you, but communicating with you when I'm at work is causing me significant emotional stress, headaches and stomach aches. Phone calls, emails and texts from you and to you are reducing my ability to complete my job adequately, and ruining the concentration required for my job. Phone calls, emails and texts from you and to you are putting me at risk of being reprimanded at work. I MUST RESCUE MYSELF, I HAVE NO CHOICE. After you and I hang up from this call, I'm going to Block Contact for your cell phone number, which means that I won't see any texts that you send me, and I won't see any phone calls you make to me. Please don't call me, don't text me and don't email me during my work hours, effective immediately. Remember that if you do call or text, my phone won't show me that you're calling and texting, I won't see it. If you email me, I'll delete the email without reading it. Do you understand what I just told you? It starts today."

 

B, do you think that you could do something like that LITERALLY on Tuesday, Sept 4th? If yes, wonderful that will be your first black-and-white goal. If no, tell me why not. What would stop you from doing that?

 

By the way, the sentence I had to say to myself, which was true, was "Because of my secret relationship with MM, I'm starting to think suicidal thoughts because I feel like I can't get out of this relationship." That was a true statement for me, and by stressing that to my MM that's how I was able to get out and remain NC. If you're not thinking suicidal thoughts, then that is not a true statement for you. If it turns out that it's also a true statement for you, we'll save that further down the line if your initial black-and-white goals are having trouble sticking.

 

Looking forward to our project together. I hope I can really help you, and make you not broken and not hopeless in the near future.

[Angelica21]

Dear B,

 

This is a Saturday "additional thoughts" message.

 

I re-read a lot of this thread, and I read some info that I'd previously missed.

 

Often, you are the one who makes the initial contact during a day or week, so your addiction has two facets that can both be handled at the same time.

 

Together, you and I need to stop you from contacting him, as well as stop him from contacting you.

 

So, in addition to everything above about a possible plan to inform him that you're blocking him on calls and texts, you need to tell him at the same time:

 

"Also, in addition to me blocking you, I need you to Block Contact of me on your phone, your social media, and your email. I am sabotaging myself by contacting you, but I NEED TO RESCUE MYSELF, I HAVE NO CHOICE. Please, please, please help me to help myself by blocking all contact from me. That way I'll know that communicating with you is impossible. I'll know that you will not even see my calls or texts when I send them. Then I will be forced to stop communicating with you, and be able to rescue myself."

 

One more thing that I want you to think about.

 

Your current preference is that you will stop your addiction to him, but the tapering off and final end will be non-awkward, non-hostile. You currently want him to always think fondly and lovingly about you, even if you never contact again.

 

You need to change your preference to be more along the lines of "Although I want a non-awkward and non-hostile split, it's impossible to end it that way. It will be BETTER FOR ME if my addiction ends with him losing all fond feelings for me AND me losing all fond feelings and fantasies about him."

 

Another reminder: when the NC is complete, you're not going to believe how great you're going to feel. Your constant ruminating thoughts that constantly fill your mind are going to disappear, and give you so much more thinking time to bring joy into your life. Your relationship with your H will definitely improve, don't doubt that for a moment.

[brokenandhopeless]

Angelica,

 

Thank you and thank you for taking the time to respond in detail. I want to read carefully and absorb all of it and respond appropriately. Please give me 2-3 days because the kids over the weekend take my time and I will be on travel. I will also PM you to take this forward and my thoughts. Thank you. I am humbled by your care and the time you have taken to provide such a detailed plan. I hope a lot of good karma comes your way for paying-it-forward.

[grass-hopper]

Thank you grass-hopper. Boy has this been the toughest challenge in life so far!

I hope you are doing well. I am waiting for the day for the shoe to drop and prepping myself because I know certain life situations are going to cause him to disappear and instead, like all the wise people here have said, I am trying to pull myself out first, for my sake and my family's. I know he is going to disappear someday. Gee what a curveball in life! Oh well, at least the weekend's here!

 

Yes it has been a tough challenge for me as well and the most humbling part is that I put myself in it. I could have avoided it. If I was smarter. If I had better self esteem. If I loved myself.

 

I too am also always waiting and wondering when he is going to leave. And it makes me anxious and scared. And I hope the fear and anticipation of that abandonment is worse than when that time actually comes. I also want to try to pull myself out but I can’t seem to go NC. I guess it’s not that I can’t. I suppose I’m not ready. But I want to be ready. I want to have faith in myself that I will get through this. Because I know it’s the most unhealthy thing I am doing to myself and my family.

 

If you don’t mind I’m going to just hop on to the words Angelica21 is offering.

 

Have a good weekend

[klve]

Wow I just had to say, I am in a so alike situation. It has also been 4 years and I have know him for 27 years and love him for 25. But he is married and I am also married. He is a guilt king and sometimes don't answer my letters back.

 

You said:"It kills me each time but what choice do I have? If I don't act per his rules then I fear this will break and he would let me go." This is so much me. Our communication is always on his term and out meetings. And when he don´t answer me and I get mad and ask why is this and he says he´s been so busy, but I know he has been on fb many times but just choose not to answer me. I want so much to say:" do you think I am stupid". But I am scarred like you and fear he would let me go.

I found a post from 4 years ago I wrote here, when he was beginning to be a guilt king. It is so strange to read this now, but I have not been here for a long time.

https://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/other-man-woman/486170-i-feel-so-bad