Is this friendship salvageable or should I just move on?

[blackbird_brokenwing]

I have a very close friend group of me and 3 other girls. I’ve known one since 2010, one since 2012, and the last since 2016 when one started dating her. We are best friends, so close we call each other family. We get together almost every weekend and do everything together - sleepovers, cooking, crafts, 5ks, day trips, we even had a night dedicated to studying each other’s Enneagram personality types. We have a group chat and we talk every day. We have been hanging out as a foursome for almost 2 years and never had any sort of conflict.

 

The other day I asked them if they’d be interested in accompanying me to something that *I* thought wasn’t that big of a deal, but it turns out that it made two of them (the couple) “really uncomfortable, a lot of anxiety about it, feel unsure of what to think” they said. I was taken aback because that’s not how I thought they’d respond at all, since in my mind my request was innocuous. I ended up messaging just them outside of the group chat and I said, I accept your rejection, but can I ask why it makes you uncomfortable?

 

I get back some pretty harsh and defensive response that was just so out of character. Since they are a couple, they are sending one message and speaking for both of them (it’s never been annoying until now), but they felt like I was obligating them to something much bigger than I intended, that this is just not something they can compromise on, and they don’t want to disappoint me but just feel they need to be honest.

 

Again, being just shocked at this visceral reaction to what I considered a small thing, I sent a response that said I never intended for this to be such a burden, I had no idea they would respond this way, I am hurt, and I need to take a break from them. Then I left the group chat.

 

The next day I felt so awful, I spent hours typing up this long letter of sorts where I started off saying I didn’t want to let a lot of time pass because I didn’t want this to become even more dramatic and that I didn’t actually want to stop speaking to them. I tried my best to explain why their words had hurt me and that the rejection itself wasn’t a big deal, just how I felt they were insensitive in their rejection (long story short, it involves hanging out with a mentally delayed teenager). I ended it by saying I was truly sorry and I hoped they could better understand my intentions and why I responded the way I did.

 

I get a message back almost immediately that says she wanted to acknowledge receiving it, that she appreciated me sharing my thoughts, and she needed time to think and process and would respond later in more detail. Okay, I thought, this is great. We’re gonna be okay.

 

But the next morning I get this just vicious message about how I have no right to ask them why it makes them uncomfortable, that they don’t owe me or anyone an answer to that. It is not my place to tell them how they should respond or react to things and that it’s clear I had pretty lofty expectations of them. She said I gave them the false pretense that they could be honest with me when apparently they can’t, and that they guess I was just looking for affirmation and a pat on the back. She ended it by saying she’s sorry this has changed my opinion of them, but I guess we don’t really know each other after all.

 

To say that I am reeling is an understatement. I have been in a state of utter sadness ever since receiving this. They are some of the kindest and most giving and gentle people I have ever met, so this just comes out of left field entirely for me. I have a million things I feel like I could say in response and yet all of them feel kind of hopeless given that I thought my previous message was explanation and apology enough. What do you guys think? I am not just looking to be told they are wrong and I am right, I am trying so hard to do the right thing and be considerate of everyone involved and salvage this friendship if it’s in the cards to do so. I just am at a loss right now.

 

(P.S. the fourth girl has yet to respond to me in any shape at all, she never answered the initial request and she hasn’t messaged me afterwards. She’s the one I’ve known the longest too, since 2010 and *I* introduced her to the other two).

 

Thanks everyone.

[d0nnivain]

I'd definitely let things cool off with them.

 

You wanted to do something. They didn't want to. All they had to say was no thanks.

 

When you asked for an explanation I assume it was to perhaps try to address their concerns & make things less uncomfortable for them. For them to blow up at you is unreasonable.

 

Distance, distance, distance.

 

Sometimes longstanding friends go sideways.

 

 

I have a group of women I have been friends with for 40 years. Yes you read that correctly. It is not a typo. We are certainly not as close as we once were. We get together maybe once or twice per year, usually arranged through e-mail. My computer recently crashed & I lost everybody's e-mail. Earlier this month I sent out a group text to them saying I wanted to go to a chick flick movie, did they have any interest. I rarely text 2 of them. I immediately got a nasty response from 1 saying "take me off this group message now!" I wrote back, "gee sorry. It was just us not some random huge group." Almost simultaneously , she wrote "who is this?" at the same time another woman wrote "Take me off too & I'd also like to know who this is."

 

 

I don't know what shocked me more, that they were so harsh or that they didn't have mine or anybody else's cell phone #s stored in their phones. the two that said who is this talk weekly. I took a deep breath & wrote back "It's D0nnivain. All I wanted was to go to the movies with some of my oldest friends . . . 1, 2 & 3. I have no interest in being snapped at. I can't believe you don't have my # in your phone or more importantly each others."

 

I got back apologies & oh I didn't realize blah blah blah. I just wrote back, "never mind I'm sorry I asked." The last one of the group finally popped up about an hour later (she'd been at work with her phone off) & tried to put the trip to the movies back together. By then I was too aggravated.

 

 

Sometimes you just never know what is going to set somebody off.

[basil67]

I'm so sorry this happened to you. It reflects so well on you that you're inclusive and support those around who who need it.

 

I am the mother of a child who has autism and intellectual disability and sadly, there are people who get really wigged out by people who are different. Thankfully it's becoming less common, but it's still a thing. So I wonder if their animosity was in part because they were a bit embarrassed of the fact they were uncomfortable in the first place.

 

That said, I think your approach of " I accept your rejection, but can I ask why it makes you uncomfortable?" wasn't great. In this context, "rejection" is a really emotive word and would have exacerbated the situation. And I notice you've used it a couple of times. Had you said "I understand that you're not comfortable, is there anything I could do to ease your concerns?" before the event, it may have gone down differently. But really, it's all semantics and you certainly don't deserve the vitriol you received.

 

I'd be thinking twice about keeping them as friends.

[blackbird_brokenwing]

Thank you both so much for your words. Anyone responding at all is really comforting right now but I appreciate your input!!

 

Donnivain, yes I asked about why they were uncomfortable because I was just so surprised and wanted to have a better understanding so that maybe I could clarify or alleviate that feeling. I wasn’t trying to invalidate their feelings, I was just truly surprised. One of them loves kids and I (naively) thought she’d really enjoy this outing. I guess I was really wrong.

 

Basil, you are right. The teenager in question is another friend’s step daughter (she recently just became her step mother) and I don’t think she knows how to work with her new step daughter very well. I have only met her once, but she latched onto me and immediately decided we were best friends and that she loved me. I have been meaning to suggest I take her to the movies or something, I know I can’t be the solution to her home life but I thought I could make her feel special and cool to hang out with a “big sister” kind of person. I suggested this to her step mom (my other friend) and said I may bring some other friends with me if that’s okay, and the teen overheard. She was excited and said “only if they will be my friends too!” I made the mistake of telling this to my friend group and I think that overwhelmed them. Part of their reasoning was that they were afraid she would get too attached to them and they just don’t have the time or resources right now to make a commitment to hanging out with her regularly. They suggested to me that I enroll the both of us in the Boys and Girls club if I want to hang out with her but not alone, and I felt like they missed the whole point entirely. I wasn’t incapable of spending time alone with her, I just thought it would be up their alley (given they love kids) and that it would be a special thing for ALL of us to share.

 

We all know what they say when we assume, so I guess I should have known better...

 

I agree Basil that I don’t think I deserved their reaction. At one point they said “we don’t even know this girl” and I just became so defensive because their phrasing of “this girl” felt dismissive to me, like she was just some random person I was burdening them with. I really do think (or thought anyway) that I know them and they are genuinely good people, so I am really truly hoping this is all one big misunderstanding and has been blown out of proportion since we are all 20-something females communicating over text.

 

I can understand and accept them not feeling that working with the disabled is their forte, that really is okay. But to tell you the truth, I wish they’d just spared my feelings and either withheld some information or told me a white lie about how they couldn’t make it. I don’t always appreciate “brutal honesty” when it will only serve to hurt.

 

I really appreciate your take on the word “rejection” and I think you are right. That is probably far too harsh and made them go on the defensive. I’d like to try and talk to them again, they have become like sisters and I would be so lonely without them. But I will take Donnavain’s advise and give it a little distance...how much distance though? This all went down on Monday and their latest response came in Wednesday morning.

 

Thanks again ladies. <3

[preraph]

I'm glad I read your second post before answering because I think you're right that that was the crux of the matter. I think it was kind of like you were volunteering them to take on an obligation but they did not want to get started. Your heart is definitely in the right place, but honestly very few people would have been comfortable with it the way you couched it, because they may be right that she would get too attached and then they would not show up again and then she would only feel rejected.

 

Reading the second post reminded me of a situation one of my best friends kept trying to put me in that I was not comfortable with. We were in our 50s. She kept telling me about a male friend of hers who she seems to keep around because he was always tinkering with her car or something. He was unemployed and milking disability from an injury when he was perfectly capable of working.

So I had no reason to want to get involved, but every time I was at her house, he would call and she would try to hand the phone to me and get us to talk. She already told me how when he comes over he keeps her up too late and right when she's trying to get him to leave so she can go to bed he play some music she likes or something just to try to keep her awake, which she puts up with but I never would.

 

On top of that, I found out he had her email password, and I believe he was probably reading our emails and I was really mad at her for not protecting my privacy better than that. Anyway I was really mad at her for trying to push him off on me. I managed to never meet him in person though. I was determined.

 

It's very good of you to befriend this young lady, and I know you'll find other activities to put her in contact with other people. And to keep it in perspective a little, there are people who would be mad at you for just bringing any other person when they were looking forward to just visiting with you or people they already knew.

 

D0nnivain, I can't believe your friends would just chew someone out like that. Why didn't they just say, Who is this? I get spam texts occasionally, but you can tell the difference between a spam text and a personal one. That is truly bizarre. Ugh.

[basil67]

Blackbird, your friends actually have a good point about not wanting her to get attached to them. One of my son's 19yo friends has my phone number and was texting me with the frequency of a teenager. She does it to everyone she gets the phone number of.

 

I felt really awkward. I didn't want to hurt her, but nor was I willing to become a texting buddy to a teen. (I'm the kind of person who can lose their phone for half a day and not realise). I didn't want to block her because I'm the conduit to help get my son to events, so I have to speak with her mother each time it gets out of hand.

 

I think what you're doing is wonderful, but don't be afraid to use boundaries if you start to need them.

[anika99]

OP your second post shed a lot more light on your friends and where they're coming from. In your first post I thought they sounded like a couple of lunatics...lol.

 

So it seems there was a breakdown in communication along the way and your friends weren't seeing this as just one fun day hanging out with your teen friend. Instead they got the impression that this would be an ongoing commitment and that they weren't given a choice in the matter.

 

I know your heart was in the right place but your friends had every right to refuse to get involved in this situation. I can also see why they didn't like being asked to explain themselves. In their eyes you volunteered them for something without talking to them first and then when they declined you demanded that they give you a good reason. Not saying that was your intention, just saying that I think that's how they are seeing it.

 

All that being said I still think their response was way over the top and completely uncalled for. But then again I think you may have played a part in their reaction too. In reading your first post again I see that initially they turned down your invite by just saying it made them uncomfortable. When you asked them to explain their reasons they did so in a mature and honest way, stating that they felt you had obligated them to something bigger than you may have intended and that they didn't want to disappoint you but they were just being honest. At that point you probably should have thanked them for their honesty, apologized for putting them on the spot and then let the whole thing go. Instead you responded by saying you felt hurt and that you were going to take a break from them. It seems like you just couldn't accept their feelings as good enough and you turned their declining your invitation into some personal attack on you.

 

I think that you should give it a few days for everyone to cool off and then get in touch with them. Start by apologizing for the misunderstanding and for putting them on the spot. If you take a humble approach they will probably warm up and possibly offer their own apology. Then going forward please don't take these things personally. When you extend an invite and someone doesn't want to accept for their own personal reasons then graciously accept their response and move on. Don't tell them that they hurt you and now you can't talk to them for awhile. That's not a mature response.

[blackbird_brokenwing]

Well everyone, I wanted to provide an update. I spent days writing my response to them (and used many of you guys’ points, which I very much appreciate!) and I have received a response. It’s not EXACTLY what I wanted to hear, and I really am getting annoyed with the one responding for them both (I guess the other can’t talk anymore?). It’s not BAD, and maybe I forgive too easily, but damn it seems like I’ve got to jump through hoops to get others to forgive me sometimes. I hate the “it will take time to have the same level of trust and comfort with you” bit.

 

So here was my message:

 

C and M —

 

First, I want to say that I am sorry. I think it’s important that you know that right away.

 

That being said, please allow me to carry on for far too long because brevity is not my strong suit.

 

Over the last week I have done a lot of “soul searching.” As much as one can really do in a week, I suppose. Initially I was just hurt and angry and upset. I stewed for a while. But then I was just sad. I was mourning you guys, thinking that this must be it, remembering a phrase that my grandma used to tell me — “sometimes people are only meant to be in your life for a season.” I cried, and then cried some more, and wondered if I’d ever find other friends that made me feel the same way. Friends who I could laugh with, cry with, share so much with, feel comfortable around, never tire of seeing. It would be a tall order indeed.

 

I scrolled past a cheesy picture shared by some soccer mom on Facebook that had all sorts of “life advice,” literally about 25 lines of teeny blurry text on a .jpeg image very likely created in Window 98’s MS Paint. I normally wouldn’t take the time to read such things, especially not when the presentation was so poor. Maybe I was just feeling forlorn, or maybe it was a force greater than myself that told me to, but either way I read it. Sandwiched right in the middle was a line that said “maintain your connections with people who matter.”

 

So I started googling “how to deal with conflicts in friendships.” I took notes:

 

* Listen

* Consider all parties’ feelings

* Make compromises

* Apologize and mean it

* Own your mistakes

 

A lot of what I was reading was hard to digest. It’s difficult to realize that you’ve messed up, that your “perfectly rational and reasonable” words and actions may not have been totally rational or so reasonable after all.

 

I told myself to get out of my own head and my own intentions and to look at the situation as objectively as I could. I started to see the validity in your responses and begun to understand and recognize YOUR intentions and rationale, and it all begun to make sense. I realize now that I had some pretty overly sensitive reactions and responses to things you very likely had no intended malice behind. Phrases like “we’re unsure of how to feel about this” and “this girl” made my gut jump to want to defend Sierra, because the way my mind perceived these words was as if she was JUST “some girl.” But I know you guys didn’t intend to diminish her at all, and I was finding offense where none was intended.

 

I want you to know that in the moment that I said it would be okay and that I would understand if you couldn’t accompany, I thought I was being truthful. I really thought I WOULD be okay with however you responded. I made assumptions and admittedly didn’t fully think through the gravity of my proposition and by my own fault caused my promise to be a lie. My assumptions caused me to be unprepared for your answer and thus I reacted out of shock/hurt. But please know it wasn’t an intentional trap.

 

I am sorry I asked why it made you uncomfortable. I wasn’t trying to question it because it was an invalid feeling, I was just genuinely confused and wanted to understand. But I understand now after re-reading your explanation and having some distance from my immediate gut reaction and can see how that would seem invasive and invalidating. I feel like all of us were reacting emotionally to a misunderstanding and tones and feelings got misconstrued, as they are wont to do over text.

 

I very much regret leaving the group chat. That was an immature move and I shouldn’t have done it. I am trying to work on my immediate reactions to things that hurt me because I know I have a problem with lashing out and attempting to reciprocate hurt. I often regret what I’ve done or said in those first few moments and I am trying to focus on not immediately reacting at all so I can give myself the needed time to absorb and find clarify before saying or doing something I’ll regret. I do apologize for this though; I know I am above those petty moves.

 

All of this said, I will leave it up to you guys as to whether it’s possible to move past this and maybe examine our different reactions to conflict and hurt, or if a line has been crossed permanently and the damage is irreparable.

 

And here’s what I got back:

 

R, we want to express our appreciation of your apology and for your validation of our perspective. C and I both want to apologize for not expressing ourselves better, we will be more mindful of how we come across moving forward. We don’t like the idea of throwing away a friendship over one incident and, in this case, we certainly don’t plan to. However, please understand that we will need time to develop the former level of trust and comfort again. This situation took us both by surprise and typically situations like this cause the both of us to run. I’m confident we are all mature enough to work together to mend things and to move forward in a healthier, more communicative fashion.

Edited June 11, 2018 by blackbird_brokenwing
Grammar

[preraph]

So just chill now and see what comes down the pike and if you're invited or if they accept any invitations you extend. Good luck.

[anika99]

Their response was maybe not as warm and accepting as you would have liked but as you say it wasn't a bad reply. They offered their own apology and showed a willingness to get past it. It's a good starting point. So now just be cool like the previous poster suggested. The next time you talk to them keep it light and be natural. This will blow over

[blackbird_brokenwing]

The hard thing is that we used to talk daily in our group chat. I feel like they are now the ones keeping it awkward, if we had just reinstated our group chat and continued on like we always have that things could more easily get back to normal, but saying they need time without offering to just talk seems like it’ll just perpetuate the awkwardness of it all. I would think reinstating the group chat would really help diffuse the discomfort so we could warm up before trying to see each other but blah, I don’t know what to say or do now.