Will I Ever Get Back With Him?

[ultimately]

Hi, I'm a new user to this site, I don't really know who else to talk to about this. I was dumped about a little over a month ago. I know there's a bunch of other people who ask the same thing.

 

I'll give some background information. I was in a LDR for 2.5 years, with a wonderful guy who I think is very spectacular. We were friends for even longer before then, and we have both dated other people in the past but we were each other's first real serious relationship and love. We're both young, I'm 19, he is 18. Everything was so wonderful, we were each others first practically everything! But... my life is very complicated.

 

I have a history of abuse, suicide, depression. After going off meds, last summer, things took a turn for the worse in my relationships. I had no choice but to, as my insurance ran out. I had to be hospitalized soon after. I could not afford therapy at the time to deal with any of these issues. Unfortunately, these issues started to manifest in my relationship. I would be very emotional, insecure, defensive, pick fights.

 

He was very kind and supportive, the best he could, but he has always been very timid. I was very insecure and unsupportive of him, and I know it all stemmed from my very bad homelife and situation. I was very cold, pushy, needy, and I know I wasn't always like this. We have even had arguments that ended in the threat of break up, twice before, but we would never go through with it.

 

I finally have been able to get therapy, and it's working very well. I moved out to my grandparents, to be able to get away from toxic family. It's been about half a month, I have built up a lot of self worth, and have reflected on many of my feelings and mistakes and past traumas to release it all in a healthy way. I can say with certainty, I'm healing those parts of me.

 

Now though, our seperation feels final. We would spend everyday talking, and hanging out, and it feels so different now. He had friends encourage him to finally end it with me, and through the breakup I did the natural "mistakes", I begged and pleaded at first. Until I accepted it as it is. Up until the end, he said he loved me, and I returned those feelings. He kissed me, and we both cried. He said he did not want me completely out of my life, and wants to be friends with me.

 

After 2 weeks of NC, I broke, and I attempted contacting with him. I made some more mistakes, not in the begging sense, but it was obvious I was still emotional. Then we eased into "friendship", talking every few days or so, chatting, all the while I was aching to just say "I still love you." He seemed to be fine, though what he really feels I cannot say with 100% certainty.

 

I broke, finally, and let him know I couldn't do this anymore, and I needed space, at the end of last month, so it's been about 2 weeks. I am in NC, and feeling very lost. I still love and care for him, and I told him I would reconsider friendship later, but also that I cannot promise I wouldn't want to be with him again in the future.

 

Throughout the times we spoke, he sent some mixed messages towards me. Just that, "I can't say for certain what will happen in the future, but it's not in your best interest to try and get me back," and "I don't want to get back together, because we would just go back to the way things are", "You're still my type, you know!" "I don't want to be with anyone else, not for a LONG time" and it feels like breadcrumbs and it hurts.

 

Now, I don't know what to do. I want to reach out to him some days, whether in anger or rejection or sadness, but I have more self control than that. I guess, I know what he wants right now, and that is to find himself and be alone. I don't know what is going on in his head, and I try to not think about it, but I guess my question is...

 

Can I make this work? Through a friendship, can I show my change, how the dynamics of our relationship will change, how I'm still the person he fell in love with and the person that fell off the wagon wasn't me? Have I burned through my chances? Is there any advice or hope for reconciliation? I am taking all the personal steps myself, on improving myself and focusing solely on myself. I want to let go, but I don't want to resign from trying.

[d0nnivain]

It depends on what you want to try. If you both want to try a full on reconciliation maybe. The reason I say maybe is that a large factor in your break up was you being off meds & not in therapy. You have addressed that difficulty & gotten yourself a better living situation. With you being in a better place there is some hope for reconciliation.

 

 

That said, you can't be immediate friends with an EX. You just can't. What do you think you are going to talk about your respective struggles to find somebody new? Of course not. Assuming one of you does start to date a new person, that person certainly won't want the EX hanging around.

 

 

Especially for you, the dumpee, to settle for friendship only when you want so much more is masochistic. You are so close but you just can't have what you really want. That is torture & oh so unhealthy. You think you are depressed now. Try poking that stick at yourself repeatedly. Friendship now is a bad, bad plan. It doesn't mean never. You can still send him a Christmas card in December; see how you are feeling about him in 2019 & send birthday greetings but nothing before that. You need the intermission for your own mental well being.

[ultimately]

Thank you for your reply.

I honestly was at a crossroads, weighing the pros and cons in my mind.

 

Being friends would allow me to demonstrate my growth, we could still hang out and make fun memories together, and I'd be able to showcase how our relationship dynamics changed with me being in a better situation.

On the other hand, like you said, it would be very masochistic indeed. I know I would definitely be longing for something more and that isn't fair to myself. All the self control I have inside me wouldn't matter much if I'm hurting.

 

I know neither of us are interested in dating someone, at least for now, though if that changes it would definitely be messy. And right now, only one of us wants reconciliation. So I've accepted things as they are in the present, but the future holds many possibilities.

 

Your advice is very solid, I will continue with my NC. I was planning on reaching out to him at the end of the month since he is graduating, just to pass my congratulations. I think then, I'll tell him that while I do care about him a lot, I cannot be friends and that the communication doorway is open should he ever change his mind.

[preraph]

You need to just concentrate on yourself for now. You can't change overnight, so the problems won't go away just because you have started therapy. That is going to take a while. You've had a lot to deal with. I'm very glad you are at your grandparents, and I only hope they aren't who made your parents the way they are, so do keep eyes open. It can help a lot just to get away from your parents when they are toxic. This is a good place to start. Once you get away from the middle of it, you can see how it affects you even clearer. Therapy should teach you how to handle it yourself and not expect them to change because you can't change people. You can choose to distance yourself from them and not let them get to you, but first you have a lot of "unwinding" to do. You have to shed a lot of the negative crap they instilled in you and kind of strip yourself down and then build yourself back up according to not them but only you.

 

Honestly, having another influence and stress and pressure like a LDR during all this may just hold you back. You need to cleanse yourself of their influences. And once you do, you may not choose the same type of relationship with a man. That's why it's not a good time to cling to this one that isn't working anyway. Good luck.

[BaronChairman]

Sounds something like my situation. I met a wonderful woman who knocked me out, and she liked me back. (As I post more on this site and you all get to know me better, you'll learn how excessively rare that is.) Everything was going well, and our relationship felt like it was budding until she broke it off last week.

 

She cited her history and her personal demons. The crux of it was that she was still dealing with some of her more persistent demons and was intimidated by the prospect of being with a man who had many of those same demons, but has mastered them.

 

Nothing about this breakup felt right or made any sense. There are a few things I'm dying to ask her and I'm wondering if it's a good idea to do so and if so, how do I do it?