My mom is dying

[georgia girl]

My mom is dying. It hurts even to write that sentence. She had to go to a nursing home and while I have tons of guilt about it, she actually loves it there and feels very safe. The staff have been absolutely amazing and I am so grateful.

 

I am not yet ready to lose her, and yet I hate how little life she has. She predominantly uses a wheel chair, needs help bathing and dressing and she’s on constant oxygen. It just breaks my heart.

 

For those who have gone through this, what have you done to make this better/easier for your mom? What has given you comfort since she has been gone?

 

She is an absolutely amazing mom... always put us first, sacrificed repeatedly, taught us to love each other and ourselves, gave us incredible values and a hard work ethic... all with an amazing sense of humor. I am going to miss her desperately.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Oh, I'm so sorry . I think it should at least give you some comfort that she's happy where she is....that she isn't angry with you or anything.

 

I haven't lost my mom yet, but I did lose my dad suddenly 11 1/2 years ago. What gives me comfort is when he comes to me in my dreams. I love those nights <3.

 

Just spend as much time with her as you can, and I think that will be enough (for her).

[d0nnivain]

I'm so sorry. I know how painful it is. My mom has been gone for 7 years now.

 

Savor every day. Know that you are a good daughter & have done everything to keep her safe, ease her pain & assure that she maintains her dignity. It's really all you can do.

 

If she can talk about the past, get her to recount stories about her parents & grandparents. Tape this if you can.

[BaileyB]

georgia girl, seeing your mother near the end of her life is a pain unlike any other that I have expeienced. My heart breaks for you tonight.

 

I lost my mom six years ago to cancer. She fought valiantly, but her cancer was so aggressive that she died six months to the day of her diagnosis. It was the single most painful experience of my life. There are times when my mind wanders back... and it still takes my breath away. It seems so wrong to think that you could live in a world without the person who has been by your side every day of your life. And yet, that’s what inevitably happens. One of my favourite quotes is from Call the Midwife, “I am reminded yet again that my mother exists no more.” It’s heartbreaking.

 

I will offer to you the kind words that someone once offered to me, I’m sure that you are a tremendous support for your dear mother. She knows that you love her, she has felt it every single day of your life by the words and memories that you share. She is loved, and well cared for... she will have a good death. You may not be able to keep her with you longer, but you can take comfort in knowing that you have given her that.

 

I spent as much time wth my mother as I possibly could before she passed. I tried to memorize everything that I could... the colour of her beautiful blue eyes, the sound of her voice, the feel of her hand in mine. We didn’t talk much because she was not well, but we spent hours sitting together. I learned that it’s the little joys in life that matter - a favourite food, looking at pictures together, a visit from a friend, a bubble bath, listening to favourite music. She took such joy in these little things, and that brought me joy.

 

There is nothing you can really do to prepare for the pain of your loss. And it will continue, for a long time after she passes. As a nurse once told me “It is an ache that never goes away.” Be kind to yourself. Lighten your load at home and work if you can, take long walks, cry, talk with friends... it does get better. I can now remember my mom with a smile and not tears. We can now talk about her again and laugh at some of the stories.

 

I remember when my mom lost her father. She told me that the time that she felt like she would never smile again. And, that is exactly how I felt when she passed. But, before she passed she gave me a gift. She said, “one day, you will see the sun come up and it will be a beautiful day. You will say to yourself “today will be a good day, because my mom said it would be.”” I think of that often... she was telling me to go on, to be happy, to find joy in life. It was such a gift.

 

If you want to talk, send me a message. And just know, you are not alone in this pain. And, although it may not feel this way, you will get through this. To paraphrase another favourite author, “your mother’s greatest accomplishment is raising a daughter who is strong enough to continue to live without her.”

[bathtub-row]

Aw. I’m so sorry. It’s so hard losing a parent. My mom went through a lot in her later years. Her condition was extremely unusual and painful. As much as I hated losing her, I couldn’t watch her go through anymore pain.

 

I lost both my parents within days of one another. I really miss them but my solace was that they didn’t have to survive one another, and my mom was no longer in pain. As cliche as it sounds, my parents truly do live in my heart. They’re my touchstone for everything. It’s no fun what you’re going through but just be there for her as much as possible. It will mean more to her than you’ll ever know.

[Mr. Lucky]

Sorry to hear, few greater challenges in life than handling both sides of this dynamic gracefully.

 

Have you ever done an oral history with your mom? We did one with my dad in his last few months and it was very rewarding. He never liked to talk about himself but, for some reason, was motivated to speak freely. We learned things about his childhood and experiences in WWII none of us had ever known. And with today's tech, you can simply record on your phone.

 

Depending on her energy level, might have to do in short segments. Could be something to help ease your pain...

 

Mr. Lucky

[GemmaUK]

Forgive me for quoting but I didn't want to lose focus on your story by reading other posts.

I've lost both my parents, Mum when I was just shy of 18 and my Dad 16 years and 2 days after Mum passed away.

Both long term ill, Mum was sick from when i was 4 years old, Dad from when I was 25 yo.

 

My mom is dying. It hurts even to write that sentence. She had to go to a nursing home and while I have tons of guilt about it, she actually loves it there and feels very safe. The staff have been absolutely amazing and I am so grateful.

Then feel no guilt - she loves it there.

Any guilt you feel over this is pointless energy being wasted as stress (which shows on your face).

Instead, forget it, remove the stress over you feel over where she is and instead see her often and love her, listen to her and also make her laugh.

Don't waste your time left with her feeling guilt - it will show all over your face and she will worry about you. She will worry about you anyway - cos that is the law for a parent But, relax some, she sounds happy.

 

 

I am not yet ready to lose her, and yet I hate how little life she has. She predominantly uses a wheel chair, needs help bathing and dressing and she’s on constant oxygen. It just breaks my heart.

There is never a point in time we are 'ready' to lose a parent - the only time is when we ourselves are ready to die.

What you don't know tight now is the full sadness of this particular loss..but also, in time the joy of memories. I am not religious at all and neither were my parents but one of them..he..my Dad..well heis still around in some shape or form. If I am wrong in assuming that certain things happen and are partly due to him then it doesn't matter. What I feel and the bond we have matters.

'Have', not 'had'.

 

 

For those who have gone through this, what have you done to make this better/easier for your mom? What has given you comfort since she has been gone?

I got nosey about Dad's past - asked him to tell me stories. I learnt loads.

Comfort? Wierd things - it was Dad's birthday (wouldhave been anyway) and the most incredible Red Kite bird( google it) flew really low right above me.

Wing span was 6ft plus and I almost fell over he was about 12 ft away - amazing!!!

No one was there but me.

Now when I see a Red Kite..

 

She is an absolutely amazing mom... always put us first, sacrificed repeatedly, taught us to love each other and ourselves, gave us incredible values and a hard work ethic... all with an amazing sense of humor. I am going to miss her desperately.

 

Yes, you will miss her.

 

I will comment on what you wrote here in a sec.

 

Her voice - record it. It is so easily lost over time. Heck, if she knows how sick she is then just tell her and get a recorder - save it - record a conversation, record a story from her psst, let her insult you like she usually does - you know - 'you silly girl' whatever it is. She has a sense of humour so she 100& will have a name for you!

Make sure your recording is kept, backed up. it's precious.

 

That last paragraph is beautiful.

You said this:

She is an absolutely amazing mom... always put us first, sacrificed repeatedly, taught us to love each other and ourselves, gave us incredible values and a hard work ethic... all with an amazing sense of humor. I am going to miss her desperately.

 

Tell her this or show her this thread.

 

You are just a Daughter preparing for losing a Mum.

Except you're not, there's a whole lot of love there, friendship and closeness and that leads to tears.

We always want to avoid tears - always.

But do you know what?

Conversations that make you both cry get you a whole lot closer together.

 

I wish your Mum well for her journey. She has you by her side whether or not you are there when the time comes and it's OK if you are not there. You are in her heart and she in yours.

Believe that she is happy where she is - she is giving you that vibe and telling you. That means you can worry no more and listen to her stories, learn all you can and be nosey and record her voice.

 

She, and you sound like two amazing caring, loving, funny women.

 

Be strong but not too strong

She would love to see some of your soft side.

[carhill]

My mom is dying. It hurts even to write that sentence. She had to go to a nursing home and while I have tons of guilt about it, she actually loves it there and feels very safe. The staff have been absolutely amazing and I am so grateful.

Sorry to read about your situation and congrats on your family finding a nursing home where mom can be safe and happy. That's quite a task sometimes.

 

I am not yet ready to lose her, and yet I hate how little life she has. She predominantly uses a wheel chair, needs help bathing and dressing and she’s on constant oxygen. It just breaks my heart.

 

She had a good life and has people who love her. Great way to go out IMO. Yeah it sucks to lose that special relationship. Part of life though.

 

For those who have gone through this, what have you done to make this better/easier for your mom?

Beyond visiting regularly, worked with staff to keep her comfortable and safe and ease her passing when the time came.

What has given you comfort since she has been gone?

Remembering the good times we had, which were a lot, both as a child and adult, and knowing I was a strong advocate for her during the 8 years or so I cared directly or managed care. Different situation from yours, my mom died of a psychotic version of dementia. She was in a locked facility.

 

She is an absolutely amazing mom... always put us first, sacrificed repeatedly, taught us to love each other and ourselves, gave us incredible values and a hard work ethic... all with an amazing sense of humor. I am going to miss her desperately.

She'll live on in all those who loved her, in their memories. My mother has been gone nearly 8 years now and she still continues to inspire me daily. The gift that keeps on giving.

 

Take care and best wishes.

[whichwayisup]

My mom is dying. It hurts even to write that sentence. She had to go to a nursing home and while I have tons of guilt about it, she actually loves it there and feels very safe. The staff have been absolutely amazing and I am so grateful.

 

I am not yet ready to lose her, and yet I hate how little life she has. She predominantly uses a wheel chair, needs help bathing and dressing and she’s on constant oxygen. It just breaks my heart.

 

For those who have gone through this, what have you done to make this better/easier for your mom? What has given you comfort since she has been gone?

 

She is an absolutely amazing mom... always put us first, sacrificed repeatedly, taught us to love each other and ourselves, gave us incredible values and a hard work ethic... all with an amazing sense of humor. I am going to miss her desperately.

 

Get rid of the guilt. Your mom is happy and embracing where she is living now and feels safe. That's a good thing!

 

Enjoy your time with her. Make each visit count. Make sure she knows how much she is loved and appreciated.

 

It isn't easy losing a parent, no matter how old you are or how old they are.

 

You're a good loving daughter and your mom is proud of you, keep that close to your heart.

[georgia girl]

Thank you all so much. I read every post - most made me cry. It helps to know others have done this. Your advice is wonderful. Every day has its own potential emotional minefields, but I am focusing now on enjoying this time with her and helping her to leave this world with as much comfort, love, dignity and grace that I can. Thank you.

[BaileyB]

I am focusing now on enjoying this time with her and helping her to leave this world with as much comfort, love, dignity and grace that I can.

 

Sadly, that's all you can do now.

 

But consider this, you have been given a great gift. What a privilege it is, to be able to share this time with your mother and to be with her as one journey ends, and another begins. Blessings.

[quankanne]

ah, kiddo, this post breaks my heart because of a similar experience. What kept me sane through that time was knowing that the nursing home was good for her because she had professional care-givers who were there around the clock for her (my dad would take off for the better part of the day, leaving my mother alone, without a car, when she was still living at home, in bad health). That YOUR mom enjoys it is a good thing! Think of it as having a strong team assisting you so that you can be emotionally and physically and mentally at your best when you are with her. Believe me, that goes a long way!

 

I did not get any emotional or practical support from my siblings, and I've already explained what a selfish dick my dad was being, but thankfully, my husband and my closest friends were with me the whole time. I could not have made it through that time without them. So when your friends or loved ones want to help in whatever way they can -- even just to give you a shoulder to cry on -- don't hesitate in accepting that help. Again, it's the teamwork thing.

 

take care of your health. For me, the stress triggered depression. Thankfully, I've got a good doctor, who told me how to adjust diet, sleep and nutrient intake in the form of vitamins. When that didn't help, he put me on a low-level SSRI, which made a world of difference. So, yes, take care of your health!

 

prayer, music and books (certain ones) helped me through the grief of anticipating life without her; find that thing that brings you peace, and utilize it. It may be exercise, it may be work; whatever it is, employ it so that you can be in a good place and not freaked out.

 

lastly, and most importantly, don't let yourself be eaten up by regret. If you can only do X, then do it whole-heartedly. Your mom knows you best, and knows what it means when you do those things for her. And because she knows what your limits are, believe me ... she is NOT going to want to see you beat yourself up over the things you are not able to do. She loves you, and appreciates what you *are* doing.

 

I am focusing now on enjoying this time with her and helping her to leave this world with as much comfort, love, dignity and grace that I can.

that is a wonderful way to share your time together. And it will keep you from living with regret when she goes on.

 

I wish could hug you, Georgia Girl, because I was you at one point. Meanwhile, I'll keep you and your mama in prayers <3

Edited June 11, 2018 by quankanne

[georgia girl]

So, my mom passed away. It is at once both harder and easier than I imagined. Harder because I miss her profoundly. She was an absolutely huge part of my life. Easier because I still feel her presence so strongly. No, I can’t talk to her or hear her voice, and I can’t hug her, but I find myself feeling her so strongly in everything I do.

 

Your kindness on this board is truly much appreciated. I had to find a place to share my thoughts and your responses helped me to ha doe this the best way that I could humanly do. I was truly blessed to get the mom I did - she was the quintessential mom. I will treasure her always.

[carhill]

Please accept my condolences. Your story reflects how quickly things can go sideways for the aged and infirm. One day smiling and happy, the next gone. Take care and best wishes.

[GemmaUK]

Just...((hugs)) xx

[quankanne]

lo siento ... I am sorry for your loss. I truly believe that the best of our folks live on in us, and eventually, the kids we have, so you will see glimpses of her in yourself and in your family <3

 

sending hugs,

q

[Fugu]

I'm so terribly sorry for your loss.

 

This thread hits home. My mom is aging and starting to decline noticeably, and I love her so damn much.

[whichwayisup]

So, my mom passed away. It is at once both harder and easier than I imagined. Harder because I miss her profoundly. She was an absolutely huge part of my life. Easier because I still feel her presence so strongly. No, I can’t talk to her or hear her voice, and I can’t hug her, but I find myself feeling her so strongly in everything I do.

 

Your kindness on this board is truly much appreciated. I had to find a place to share my thoughts and your responses helped me to ha doe this the best way that I could humanly do. I was truly blessed to get the mom I did - she was the quintessential mom. I will treasure her always.

 

I'm sorry for your loss and your pain. It's awful losing a parent. Been there too unfortunately..

[BaileyB]

So, my mom passed away. It is at once both harder and easier than I imagined. Harder because I miss her profoundly. She was an absolutely huge part of my life. Easier because I still feel her presence so strongly. No, I can’t talk to her or hear her voice, and I can’t hug her, but I find myself feeling her so strongly in everything I do.

 

Your kindness on this board is truly much appreciated. I had to find a place to share my thoughts and your responses helped me to ha doe this the best way that I could humanly do. I was truly blessed to get the mom I did - she was the quintessential mom. I will treasure her always.

 

I'm so sorry. Hugs to you, friend.