Why won't women initiate any type of conversation with me?

[jgraham11]

Ever since I was in high school or college I've noticed it's incredibly rare for a women to approach me or even exchange pleasantries. It's incredibly frustrating and I can't understand why that is? I'm not ugly or mean, as a matter of fact (and I'm not trying to brag) but I was a fashion model in NYC for 3 years between the ages of 19-22, I'm 26 now. I sometimes wonder if it's my size since I'm 6'3 190 with a real athletic build so maybe I scare women?

 

I notice it in work a lot. It seems to be the more attractive the woman, the less likely they are to try and talk to me. I even play on a softball team at my work and these women just avoid me like the plague. It's really strange and I can't wrap my head around it.

 

I know I sound like I have some confirmation bias and I probably do to some extent, but hell, saying Hi or exchanging pleasantries is a two way street isn't it? What could be the reason for this?

[Purrrfect]

You need to approach women and say hello. Women do not like making the first move or chasing a guy. A smile and a greeeting go along way then clamming up.

 

I find shy passive guys a turn off.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

You need to approach women and say hello. Women do not like making the first move or chasing a guy. A smile and a greeeting go along way then clamming up.

 

I find shy passive guys a turn off.

 

Yep, I agree. How much confidence are you showing around these women? Most/many women like men to initially take the lead. Doesn't let them off the hook in continuing to build things, but if you are stuck on the women always being the first to reach out, you could be lonely for a while.

[BaileyB]

Are you approachable... what do you do to give women the impression that you are friendly and approachable - do you smile or say hello? Or do you just expect women to come to you.

[carhill]

It's OK, OP, sometimes that's a gift. OTOH, women don't hit on me for mating/dating, instead, oh my they gush out their life stories like a raging river breaching a dam. Then get scared, hurl some profanity and off they go

 

If you're a beautiful man women will be intimidated, a reason they won't initiate. Set them at ease. Turn down the volume a bit and focus away from your appearance. Facilitate interaction. Since you're a model you analyze how you project appearance, movement, emotion, all that stuff. It should be easy to project being approachable. Work on it.

[smackie9]

If you are very metro sexual, maybe they are under the impression you are gay. I'm not trying to be funny, mean or crackin a joke....I'm being serious, it might be true.

 

 

 

Either that or you have trouble making meaningful eye contact.

[ChatroomHero]

I get this a ton. You have to initiate and be a little persistent.

 

 

I remember times when I met a girl, smiled, said "hello" as she was coming in with a friend and I was leaving. There were a couple other guys and it was the same, we all just said "hi, nice to meet you" as we were walking out. A few months down the line as we hung out more, she told me she thought I was really cocky when I first met her. I told her the first time we met, I smiled, said hi and nothing more. She said, "yeah, you're right. I don't know, I just thought you were cocky".

 

 

I met another group of girls at the bar. There were 3 or 4 of them and like 4 guys being introduced by a friend. We were face to face, went down the line with the introductions and the two directly across from me when we were introduced just kind of looked away and didn't shake hands and avoided it, just me out of all the other guys. One of my friends was like wtf was that?

 

 

Just recently met a girl at an event I was at with some friends. We were playing a sport, bumped into a girl and traded simple jokes for about 30 seconds and a little banter, all light and good. When she was leaving she hugged my friend out of the blue right next to me. I smiled, waved and said "have a good night" and she shot me a look like I just ran over her dog on purpose, then forced a smile. I asked my friend if he had talked to her at all and he said no, they hadn't said a word before that. My friend is like a Seth Rogan type, not exactly a male model or anything that would draw that attention. She was married so she was not hitting on him.

 

 

I just expect it and make the effort if I am interested in making an effort. The flip side is the women I do draw seem to be unusually hooked on me. Like all or nothing right off the bat, even married women. To the point I sometimes have to try to distance myself from the crazy.

 

 

Asking around why this is, over the years I have heard some were intimidated, just on first site assumed I was a "player" (definitely not), or I come across as cocky or uninterested in them.

 

 

What I figured out is it was their perception of me as well as maybe my perception of them. If I reach out in a normal way and make the effort without trying too hard, I find they are a lot more receptive than it appears they would be or I expected. Like on the first meeting if they avoid or pass over me, if I make the effort they end up being receptive. I might need to make the effort a couple of times without being obnoxious though. Sometimes I try to make conversation and it's panned the first couple of times, so I have to try again despite the apparent soft rejection.

 

 

The weird thing I find is I also get a good amount of, "Why didn't we ever go out?"... 5 years down the road from women. My usual answer is, you never showed the least bit of interest...or in some cases, I asked you out 3 years ago and you would never agree to anything.

 

 

Bottom line, accept the perceptions and ignore them and make more effort and be more persistent. At least that's what I found.

[kendahke]

Ever since I was in high school or college I've noticed it's incredibly rare for a women to approach me or even exchange pleasantries. It's incredibly frustrating and I can't understand why that is? I'm not ugly or mean, as a matter of fact (and I'm not trying to brag) but I was a fashion model in NYC for 3 years between the ages of 19-22, I'm 26 now. I sometimes wonder if it's my size since I'm 6'3 190 with a real athletic build so maybe I scare women?

 

I notice it in work a lot. It seems to be the more attractive the woman, the less likely they are to try and talk to me. I even play on a softball team at my work and these women just avoid me like the plague. It's really strange and I can't wrap my head around it.

 

I know I sound like I have some confirmation bias and I probably do to some extent, but hell, saying Hi or exchanging pleasantries is a two way street isn't it? What could be the reason for this?

 

For whatever reason, you're not presenting yourself as approachable. They're on the receiving end of it, not you, so be far more aware of how you're coming across.

 

Also, they are well within their rights to not want to speak with you or say "hi". They don't know you and "don't speak to strangers" may still be deeply ingrained in them.

 

Try approaching less attractive women who will far more willing to give you the chance you feel you deserve.

[jgraham11]

Thanks for the responses so far. To clarify on a few questions asked back by you guys..

 

1. No I'm not metrosexual, I'm just a normal guy for the most part.

 

2. I am on the quiet shy side so it's hard to get to know people not involved in my daily life

 

3. Eye contact is a challenge sometimes. Only because I can see the girls I'm looking at when we're talking get nervous and it in return makes me nervous lol.

[alphamale]

What could be the reason for this?

 

they are intimidated by you and expect you to do the up front leg work

[smackie9]

There....confidence wins over people....work on that. Meaningful eye contact is key.

[TheFinalWord]

Ever since I was in high school or college I've noticed it's incredibly rare for a women to approach me or even exchange pleasantries. It's incredibly frustrating and I can't understand why that is? I'm not ugly or mean, as a matter of fact (and I'm not trying to brag) but I was a fashion model in NYC for 3 years between the ages of 19-22, I'm 26 now. I sometimes wonder if it's my size since I'm 6'3 190 with a real athletic build so maybe I scare women?

 

I notice it in work a lot. It seems to be the more attractive the woman, the less likely they are to try and talk to me. I even play on a softball team at my work and these women just avoid me like the plague. It's really strange and I can't wrap my head around it.

 

I know I sound like I have some confirmation bias and I probably do to some extent, but hell, saying Hi or exchanging pleasantries is a two way street isn't it? What could be the reason for this?

 

 

--It's possible you are not as good looking as you think. I have a friend that is very good looking and women make sure he knows they are there, even if they have to do the initiating. Did you have this problem when you were a model in NYC?

 

 

 

--It's possible you come across as stand-off-ish. Do you have any female friends that can give you honest feedback about yourself?

 

 

 

--It sounds like you are relying on limited settings to interact with women. Work is not really the ideal place to meet someone. It can happen, but maybe they just don't want to initiate a work place romance. If there are rumors about you on the job, that could be another reason.

[jgraham11]

--It's possible you are not as good looking as you think. I have a friend that is very good looking and women make sure he knows they are there, even if they have to do the initiating. Did you have this problem when you were a model in NYC?

 

 

 

--It's possible you come across as stand-off-ish. Do you have any female friends that can give you honest feedback about yourself?

 

 

 

--It sounds like you are relying on limited settings to interact with women. Work is not really the ideal place to meet someone. It can happen, but maybe they just don't want to initiate a work place romance. If there are rumors about you on the job, that could be another reason.

 

 

No believe me, don't be fooled by the model bit of my post. I'm not one of those self entitled types that think every women should fall in my path. The problem I have is so many women my age have a hard time even having small-talk conversations with me and it's off putting. I can barely get a Hi out of a lot of them in the workplace. It could be just us two walking past each other in a hallway and I get some timid look or shy hello from them. Extremely frustrating because in I'd say 9/10 instances I'm not even physically interested in the girl, but it would be nice to have more than just a "Hi" from them and to you know.. communicate a little

 

Don't really have female friends, but I have female acquaintances and they have no problem talking to me or vice versa. It could be the workplace bit for sure, I know a lot of people feel that way. Hell, even I kind of feel that way, but I wouldn't rule it out if the right person came along.

[kendahke]

I can barely get a Hi out of a lot of them in the workplace.

 

Your job isn't a dating site. You're there to do a job, not find a girlfriend. Don't poop where you eat.

 

Understand that a lot of women don't want to date men they work with--they don't poop where they eat because it gets messy.

[TheFinalWord]

No believe me, don't be fooled by the model bit of my post. I'm not one of those self entitled types that think every women should fall in my path. The problem I have is so many women my age have a hard time even having small-talk conversations with me and it's off putting. I can barely get a Hi out of a lot of them in the workplace. It could be just us two walking past each other in a hallway and I get some timid look or shy hello from them. Extremely frustrating because in I'd say 9/10 instances I'm not even physically interested in the girl, but it would be nice to have more than just a "Hi" from them and to you know.. communicate a little

 

Don't really have female friends, but I have female acquaintances and they have no problem talking to me or vice versa. It could be the workplace bit for sure, I know a lot of people feel that way. Hell, even I kind of feel that way, but I wouldn't rule it out if the right person came along.

 

 

Does this occur in other settings? It sounds like you are seeking validation from women you're not even interested in. Why?

 

 

 

Most women will not initiate. Welcome to the dating reality of being an average looking man. You are going to have to take a risk and pursue a conversation. But you can be methodological about it. If you are looking to engage with a women, for most men, only 1 out of 20 you ask will actually give you the time a day. Including flaking on dates, 5 out of 20 that express interest will actually meet you for a date (if you're lucky). If you are average or below average looking, it can be even less. If you have some appeal, like social status or wealth, you can increase those odds, but at 26 I doubt you have much wealth or social status.

[jgraham11]

Your job isn't a dating site. You're there to do a job, not find a girlfriend. Don't poop where you eat.

 

Understand that a lot of women don't want to date men they work with--they don't poop where they eat because it gets messy.

 

I understand that and for the most part I abide by that. I can't say I completely rule someone out though just because I work with them. I work for a huge corporation and there's a lot of employees. It can be days/weeks sometimes without seeing the same person. On top of that I'm also contracted so I can move whenever I want really.

[kendahke]

I understand that and for the most part I abide by that. I can't say I completely rule someone out though just because I work with them. I work for a huge corporation and there's a lot of employees. It can be days/weeks sometimes without seeing the same person. On top of that I'm also contracted so I can move whenever I want really.

 

and it's still not a dating site, no matter how large the firm is.

 

and none of that matters to someone whose policy is to not date men she works with. You're not going to get an opening, let alone an audience with them.

[jgraham11]

Does this occur in other settings? It sounds like you are seeking validation from women you're not even interested in. Why?

 

 

 

Most women will not initiate. Welcome to the dating reality of being an average looking man. You are going to have to take a risk and pursue a conversation. But you can be methodological about it. If you are looking to engage with a women, for most men, only 1 out of 20 you ask will actually give you the time a day. Including flaking on dates, 5 out of 20 that express interest will actually meet you for a date (if you're lucky). If you are average or below average looking, it can be even less. If you have some appeal, like social status or wealth, you can increase those odds, but at 26 I doubt you have much wealth or social status.

 

Yeah it happens in public too a lot. The only time I notice women will approach me or when they have no problem having a talk with me is at bars, but there's obvious reasons for that. In a bar it's like I'm in a totally different world, but in any other social setting it's like pulling teeth.

 

It's hard to say if I'm seeking validation. I only want to have a normal conversation. I sometimes wonder if they think if they try to have a conversation with me in the workplace especially they think they'll make me think they're interested in me. Funny thing is I can understand that, but I'm not sure if that's the problem or not

Edited June 8, 2018 by jgraham11

[TheFinalWord]

Does this occur in other settings? It sounds like you are seeking validation from women you're not even interested in. Why?

 

 

 

Most women will not initiate. Welcome to the dating reality of being an average looking man. You are going to have to take a risk and pursue a conversation. But you can be methodological about it. If you are looking to engage with a women, for most men, only 1 out of 20 you ask will actually give you the time a day. Including flaking on dates, 5 out of 20 that express interest will actually meet you for a date (if you're lucky). If you are average or below average looking, it can be even less. If you have some appeal, like social status or wealth, you can increase those odds, but at 26 I doubt you have much wealth or social status.

 

Yeah it happens in public too a lot. The only time I notice women will approach me or when they have no problem having a talk with me is at bars, but there's obvious reasons for that. In a bar it's like I'm in a totally different world, but in any other social setting it's like pulling teeth.

 

It's hard to say if I'm seeking validation. I only want to have a normal conversation. I sometimes wonder if they think if they try to have a conversation with me in the workplace especially they think they'll make me think they're interested in me. Funny thing is I can understand that, but I'm not sure if that's the problem or not

 

 

A normal conversation? Since this is the dating forum, I assumed you were wondering why women are not initiating contact with you due to them be interested in your romantically.

 

 

What you are experiencing is commonplace. Men have to do most of the initiating and a lot of women will blow you off. If you have something like looks, social status, charisma, wealth, you can increase your odds of women initiating, or securing a first date, but otherwise its a numbers game. I personally do not take any woman seriously until we have had 5 dates. You have to be prepared to be rejected. It sucks, but the more you love yourself, the more you'll realize that a woman with "meh" interest isn't worth your time anyway. If you are asking about why this occurs due to societal dynamics, that's a whole other conversation.

Edited June 8, 2018 by TheFinalWord

[jgraham11]

A normal conversation? Since this is the dating forum, I assumed you were wondering why women are not initiating contact with you due to them be interested in your romantically.

 

 

What you are experiencing is commonplace. Men have to do most of the initiating and a lot of women will blow you off. If you have something like looks, social status, charisma, wealth, you can increase your odds of women initiating, or securing a first date, but otherwise its a numbers game. I personally do not take any woman seriously until we have had 5 dates. You have to be prepared to be rejected. It sucks, but the more you love yourself, the more you'll realize that a woman with "meh" interest isn't worth your time anyway. If you are asking about why this occurs due to societal dynamics, that's a whole other conversation.

 

 

Well there's that too. Even women who tell other co-workers they're into me they'll still completely avoid me.

[preraph]

I'm going to tell you what I tell women on here all the time. Smile at people and when you're talking to people, laugh. When someone sees a smiling person laughing, that gives off an easy-going friendly approachable vibe. Don't JUST smile at girls. Smile at people in general so they begin to engage you and your network grows and word gets around that you are a friendly guy. I had a really good looking old flame and only the guys he worked with would have anything to do with him because they were forced to get to know him at work. Don't let that happen to you. Be friendly and a good guy to everyone except someone you instinctively want nothing to do with. Women do this a lot of the time out of necessity. But when in a room with no hostiles, be universally friendly and smile and laugh to draw people to you.

 

And don't come back at me with the "I'm too shy excuse." It's a couple of lip muscles. Anyone can make themselves move them.

[jgraham11]

I'm going to tell you what I tell women on here all the time. Smile at people and when you're talking to people, laugh. When someone sees a smiling person laughing, that gives off an easy-going friendly approachable vibe. Don't JUST smile at girls. Smile at people in general so they begin to engage you and your network grows and word gets around that you are a friendly guy. I had a really good looking old flame and only the guys he worked with would have anything to do with him because they were forced to get to know him at work. Don't let that happen to you. Be friendly and a good guy to everyone except someone you instinctively want nothing to do with. Women do this a lot of the time out of necessity. But when in a room with no hostiles, be universally friendly and smile and laugh to draw people to you.

 

And don't come back at me with the "I'm too shy excuse." It's a couple of lip muscles. Anyone can make themselves move them.

 

No smiling is doable. I'm just not exactly the most bubbly person, but that's something I can try to work on.

[Chilli]

Don't understand some of the guys posting in this place.

l mean you have women into you at work you say, they come up to you in bars .

But your still not happy and expect them to come up to you and do the work everywhere else too.

 

There's another guy in relationships right now complaining they don't approach him either.

What to you guys expect to just sit around and have the women coming up asking them out?

 

It's pretty well a given in most parts of the world the guy does all that so , l don't get it yet about twice a week there's new threads, women won't approach me or whatever,

 

What happens when you approach them anyway and talk to them ? Also being so tall and with looks your probably a bit intimidating so you gotta lighten and friendly yourself up a bit to make up for it.

[Meso82]

Havent even read any of the other replies but I already know the problem. Lol You have to do the work. It doesnt matter how good you look. Just be friendly. Say hi

[jgraham11]

Don't understand some of the guys posting in this place.

l mean you have women into you at work you say, they come up to you in bars .

But your still not happy and expect them to come up to you and do the work everywhere else too.

 

There's another guy in relationships right now complaining they don't approach him either.

What to you guys expect to just sit around and have the women coming up asking them out?

 

It's pretty well a given in most parts of the world the guy does all that so , l don't get it yet about twice a week there's new threads, women won't approach me or whatever,

 

What happens when you approach them anyway and talk to them ? Also being so tall and with looks your probably a bit intimidating so you gotta lighten and friendly yourself up a bit to make up for it.

 

I understand that's how it works for the most part, but there are a lot of women out there who don't care about gender roles anymore either. For the most part I know it's still on the guy to make the move though.