Affair story

[Ravensglen]

I’m so glad this forum is up and running again. Grateful to have a place to write my story.

 

I dated someone for about a year at the age of 21 after I graduated from college. He broke up with me because he hadn’t dated a lot and, having recently exited the military, was going to college for the first time and wanted to play the field a bit. We lived about 2 hours apart at the time, too, which played a factor. When he dumped me, I was really devastated, because I was crazy about him. But, life goes on, and eventually I got over it and moved on.

 

8 years later he found me online and e-mailed me out of the blue to apologize for the way he broke up with me and wanted to know what I was doing these days. We started e-mailing back and forth. I was married with 1 child (which I told him about). He told me that he had gotten married after he graduated and things weren’t going well. They were sleeping in separate bedrooms, not having sex, etc. (Having read many threads on this forum, I know this is a commonly used line. I didn’t know this at the time.) So In addition to the excitement of reconnecting with someone from the past, I felt sorry for him and wanted to be there for him and help him. From there, things quickly spiraled out of control. Thank goodness we live on opposite ends of the country, because we very well may have physically cheated on our spouses. After about 3 months of intense talking, texting, facetiming, I felt like I had completely lost myself in the rekindled relationship with him. I felt like a drug addict, as many on this form have said. I went from being the person who was annoyed at having to keep their phone around (and sometimes even left it another room for the entire day!) to the person who was hooked to their phone just in case he texted me. I felt like I had abandoned myself in order to keep things going with him… I abandoned my morals, my sanity, and my time. I wasn’t very productive at work because we were texting non-stop and talking on the phone during my lunch break. The better he looked to me, the worse my husband looked in comparison. I felt like it was totally taking over my life and I didn’t like who I was turning into. I told him that I needed space from him and went NC. I was NC for a year and 3 months. It was very hard to “detox” from him and the ‘closeness’ that we had, but I knew it had to be done.

 

During that year, my husband and I welcomed another baby into our family and I was feelings good about things.

 

After more than a year NC, my ex e-mailed me again, out of the blue, to say that he had a work training in another state and had a layover at the airport in my city. He wanted to know if I wanted to meet for a cup of coffee. I did talk to my husband about it and my husband said that he trusted me, and if I wanted to see him (being that we were in a public place) he was OK with it. So, we met and spent several hours together. It was nice to see him in person after all the emotional build-up from before. He said things were the same at home with his wife (another words, he claimed nothing had improved) and I fell back into pitying him and “wanting to help” mode. I wanted to be there for him, ignoring my screaming conscience. We kissed goodbye (closed mouth kiss) at the airport. After the visit, I felt horrible, and what’s worse is that he started texting regularly again. I looked at pictures of him (and his wife) on Facebook, and it really hit me hard. It hit me that I’m messing up her universe even though she probably doesn’t know I exist. I’m hurting her marriage and she didn’t deserve it. Neither does my husband. It hit me that I’m playing with fire again, and I don’t need this drama, I don’t need this anxiety, I don’t need this person around. So for 2 weeks after his visit, I fell back into the same pattern as I was in the first time we ‘reconnected’ over a year ago. Constantly checking my phone, excited and happy when we talked, but dealing with lows afterward. Yesterday I told him that I was done and he needs to work things out with his wife without me in the background.

 

I’ve learned that I’m codependent and I want to be there for other people. I’m attracted to people that I pity. Like I find my value in being valuable to others and being able to help them. It’s a sad state of affairs, but my marriage is/was fine without my exes presence in my life. I know that he’s not good for me to be around, not good for me to be in contact with, and we are toxic to each other’s relationships. I want to put my energy back into myself, back into my family, back into my kids who need me. I want to rise above this and be a better person who respects themselves and would never consider giving a person like him the time of day. I know I have a lot of work ahead of me.

 

Thanks for reading.

[somanymistakes]

You sound like you have a pretty good head on your shoulders.

 

It's hard when your emotions want to help but you know that 'helping' is not a good thing to do for ANYONE involved.

 

Hopefully you can keep your boundaries up and stay focused on the babies that really do need your love and attention to thrive.

[Imajerk17]

You not only need to go NC, but you also need to come clean and tell your husband what happened. When you see the devastation you caused your family, your "fog" will clear fast.

 

You posted about this EA over a year ago, it doesn't sound like you are in an improved place since.

Edited June 8, 2018 by Imajerk17

[Ravensglen]

You sound like you have a pretty good head on your shoulders.

 

It's hard when your emotions want to help but you know that 'helping' is not a good thing to do for ANYONE involved.

 

Hopefully you can keep your boundaries up and stay focused on the babies that really do need your love and attention to thrive.

 

Thank you for the kind response. Yes, the lack of boundaries I exhibited when he broke NC led to the recent problem. I thought I had it under control and as it turns out, I didn’t. I won’t be making that mistake again.

[Ravensglen]

You not only need to go NC, but you also need to come clean and tell your husband what happened. When you see the devastation you caused your family, your "fog" will clear fast.

 

You posted about this EA over a year ago, it doesn't sound like you are in an improved place since.

 

Thank you for your input.

[S2B]

So now you realize this - that's good!

 

How about blocking him from every single way he can contact you? You do this for yourself and your husband/marriage! !?

 

Can you take that action that closes that unhealthy door for good?

[Ravensglen]

So now you realize this - that's good!

 

How about blocking him from every single way he can contact you? You do this for yourself and your husband/marriage! !?

 

Can you take that action that closes that unhealthy door for good?

 

Yes! I should have done that a year ago when I went NC, but it didn’t occur to me that he would contact me again after agreeing not to. Stupid in retrospect. Live and learn.

[Ravensglen]

So now you realize this - that's good!

 

How about blocking him from every single way he can contact you? You do this for yourself and your husband/marriage! !?

 

Can you take that action that closes that unhealthy door for good?

 

To add onto this, what’s funny is my mind is now scrambling to find any possible justification to NOT do this...some of the lies are “what if there’s some kind of emergency and he needs to get ahold of me?” “What if something happens and he needs to talk to me?” “What if there’s a legitimate reason and he needs to communicate with me?”

 

There are no legitimate reasons we would need to communicate but it’s funny how the mind works, how strong the addiction is. If I step outside myself and analyze my knee jerk reactions as an objective observer, it seems absurd. But my mind (the addicted past anyway) is frantically scrambling to justify leaving the door open to him and not going NC. I’m not listening btw!

[carhill]

So, do you want some help with balancing desire to care with priority of self and family?

 

The xOM will be fine. Most people live long lives and die old in their bed. He also has plenty of people near him to save him from himself if he needs that, and I doubt he will. Your interaction with him is in the past now. You're married and he's married.

 

Start simple. Your H is disclosed so he'll understand why you're changing your phone number. Change that and your e-mail. See how it goes. No rush. Over time, the attachment will fade. It's part of being human. Attention is a drug and mating is a drug far stronger than any opiate. Don't beat yourself up. One step at a time. If you get stuck, there are professionals who can help. You'll make it.

[standtall]

Raven..be careful here. Watch out for the posters that want to encourage you to blow up your marriage by "coming clean". IMHO, they are just doing it for their own entertainment.

 

You have sinned....turn away and sin no more. Thanks for the message for everyone. Now, do yourself a favor and get out of here for you own benefit.

[winterkeep]

Yeah I dont think any great confession needs to take place, you’ve had what amounts to a fantasy relationship in your head and stopped it before it went too far. Thoughts, fantasies and emotions are not sinful so dont go down a path of self flagelisation it’s not helpful to anyone, nor are they fully conscious although they suggest underlying issues.

 

It sounds to me like this is more about you having a desire to be recognised and validated as a woman, and romantic object of affection rather than as ‘just’ a wife and mother. Your connection with your ex possibly gave you that, even if just inside your own head so this may have very little to do with your feelings for your husband or even your ex. Google the ether perel ted talk on mating in captivity, i think it would really speak to you.

 

If I’m right, the good news is that what your feeling is common and totally fixable and even if I’m not your fantasies and thoughts are yours and yours alone, you’ve done nothing wrong.

[Ravensglen]

So, do you want some help with balancing desire to care with priority of self and family?

 

The xOM will be fine. Most people live long lives and die old in their bed. He also has plenty of people near him to save him from himself if he needs that, and I doubt he will. Your interaction with him is in the past now. You're married and he's married.

 

Start simple. Your H is disclosed so he'll understand why you're changing your phone number. Change that and your e-mail. See how it goes. No rush. Over time, the attachment will fade. It's part of being human. Attention is a drug and mating is a drug far stronger than any opiate. Don't beat yourself up. One step at a time. If you get stuck, there are professionals who can help. You'll make it.

 

Thanks for the feedback! You are right that I am not responsible for xOM. It was good to be reminded of that. You are right about attention being like a drug. I don’t think he was “the one who got away” - I think interacting with him made me feel good (external validation that I’m physically attractive and desirable to the opposite sex). That I’m still wanted.

 

I have a lot to work on. I guess the solution is to build myself up and get the attention in healthier ways, from friends. I suppose a truly “healed” person doesn’t need external validation. I lost myself when I abandoned my sense of right and wrong to get that validation.

 

Thank you for reminding me not to beat myself up. Your advice about doing things piece by piece is reasonable.

[Ravensglen]

Raven..be careful here. Watch out for the posters that want to encourage you to blow up your marriage by "coming clean". IMHO, they are just doing it for their own entertainment.

 

You have sinned....turn away and sin no more. Thanks for the message for everyone. Now, do yourself a favor and get out of here for you own benefit.

 

Thank you for your reply!

[Ravensglen]

Yeah I dont think any great confession needs to take place, you’ve had what amounts to a fantasy relationship in your head and stopped it before it went too far. Thoughts, fantasies and emotions are not sinful so dont go down a path of self flagelisation it’s not helpful to anyone, nor are they fully conscious although they suggest underlying issues.

 

It sounds to me like this is more about you having a desire to be recognised and validated as a woman, and romantic object of affection rather than as ‘just’ a wife and mother. Your connection with your ex possibly gave you that, even if just inside your own head so this may have very little to do with your feelings for your husband or even your ex. Google the ether perel ted talk on mating in captivity, i think it would really speak to you.

 

If I’m right, the good news is that what your feeling is common and totally fixable and even if I’m not your fantasies and thoughts are yours and yours alone, you’ve done nothing wrong.

 

Wow I think you hit the nail on the head. It was a fantasy relationship in my head and it was definitely about me needing to feel like a romantic / desirable hot-blooded woman rather than “ just “ a mother / wife / coworker / person who does housework / etc. I felt noticed by someone and it made me feel good.

 

You really identified something important, too - it’s not about my feelings about xOM or my husband. Truthfully, I do love my husband and I don’t think xOM was “the one who got away” — It’s about my feelings about myself. I will check out that tedtalk, thank you for your post.