A is over but I don't want to unfriend the OW

[Mr. Lucky]

Counseling can help you clarify that, to see it and express it clearly and without ambiguity. It's up to you though. You have to want it, clarity that is, and accept it.

 

Beyond this good advice, I wonder Luvmykidz if you've ever considered individual therapy?

 

You've shown a tremendous ability to undermine your own stated goals and intentions.

 

You didn't want to repeat your Dad's mistakes yet you had three children out of wedlock.

 

You say you believe in marriage yet you've cheated multiple times over the course of many years.

 

You swear you love your wife yet you won't go NC with your AP.

 

You don't want to abandon your kids yet you've consistently put your marriage in jeopardy.

 

I could go on but the pattern is pretty clear - no one has been more dangerous to the things and ideals you say you hold dear than you.

 

Were it me, I'd want to understand why that is...

 

Mr. Lucky

[PhillyLibertyBelle]

It all boils down to a few things you’ve posted here OP:

 

My OW is my soulmate, she loves me and knows me like no one else does. I am in love with OW and always will be. My OW is beautiful and gets more beautiful every day.

 

You said you love your wife but you aren’t in love with her. You don’t mention one positive feeling she gives you. You don’t call her your soulmate.

 

You say you have 100% to the marriage. Really what you have committed to is not changing anything.

 

You don’t have a marriage you have a group of people that you have familial love for that you finance.

 

Marriage is more than that. It’s about being in love. It’s about making your spouse feel good and her making you feel good. It’s about your wife being your soulmate which she isn’t and in fact she doesn’t know the man she is married to because she has no idea what your real thoughts and feelings are

 

You have wasted a decade and a half of your wife’s life but staying married to someone you aren’t in love with but are still in love with someone else who you aren’t even in contact with, so the “OW” is incidental here because she is the “OW” only in your mind and for saying you love your wife and you’re “in love” with the OW you certainly have treated them both horrendously.

 

Stop living a fake life of the great pretender. Be truthful with everyone including yourself that you’re not in love with your wife you never will be, and set everyone free to find people who will like and love them instead of being the puppet master in this charade you call a marriage.

[Luvmykidz]

Carhill, he doesn't love his wife like he loves and has always loved his OW.

 

He's lied and minimized to his wife... and he's unwilling to delete the OW from FB. He also won't tell his wife who the OW is.

 

He's protecting his OW more than he's being honest to his wife... and I don't see how any counselor can force him to love a wife he's really not into.

 

He's in it so he looks good to his family and community... other than that he mainly has criticism for his wife - she'd likely be happier without him.

 

I'm just trying to keep the peace at this point. What she doesn't know can't hurt her. My W also has mental health issues such as depression and anxiety so that's why I just want to move on from this situation with the OW and keep ignoring her. That will make her think I don't love her, which will stop her from thinking she can ever reach out to me again. It's working well. I was wrong for sleeping with her but I have to move on now.

[carhill]

OP, question: How well do you compartmentalize?

 

As an example, if/when you are intimate with your wife, not necessarily sexually, and expressing your desire and appreciation for her, do you feel focused and in the moment or is that love for the OW lurking in background? I mention that because people love differently and with different people and those feelings may or may not intrude on each other.

 

Do you feel your M is more of a legal arrangement than a loving partnership? That's not uncommon. If we were all mind readers I'd probably be shocked at how common it is. You only know what's in your mind. How do you view your marriage?

 

You can divorce, sure. Counseling can help you with that. It helped me a bunch. Helped with unfinished OW business too.

 

Tough choice. Sounds like your W wants to be in it for the long haul however that ends up being, in love or loving or xxxx. Would you be willing to be open and transparent with her about the OW in counseling? For it to work you'd have to want that. No secrets from your spouse.

 

IDK, you're both in your 50's. I divorced around 50. Best choice we both made, and we made it with all the cards on the table. Down the road I'm glad we did it that way. Your choice will be yours. I wish you wisdom in making it.

[JDJ]

I have a hard time unfriending her for some reason.

 

It's just one click. Try it on another computer if it is not working, or contact Facebook support. It should only take a second.

[Luvmykidz]

Interesting.

 

There are probably not many men would agree to that arrangement. There are also probably not many women that would expect that kind of arrangement.

 

Divorce, albeit she would get child support and possibly some spousal support, would definitely not be in her financial best interest. Perhaps, another reason why she is determined to stay married, despite your affairs. Just a thought.

 

I agree to it because I had the A years ago. But it also makes me resentful that I have to pay everything. She probably is staying for financial reasons. The fact that I provide meets one of her most important needs and she feels loved.

[S2B]

I'm just trying to keep the peace at this point. What she doesn't know can't hurt her. My W also has mental health issues such as depression and anxiety so that's why I just want to move on from this situation with the OW and keep ignoring her. That will make her think I don't love her, which will stop her from thinking she can ever reach out to me again. It's working well. I was wrong for sleeping with her but I have to move on now.

 

Let's get this straight... according to you:

 

Your OW is your soulmate so you're going to ignore her.

 

And your wife you aren't in love with but need to be sure you're with to keep the peace?

 

Is that a right way to live life? If this is an agreement you've made with yourself then why don't you delete the OW from FB? That not right to be pretending to be working on your M...yet looking at the OW.

Edited June 9, 2018 by S2B

[Luvmykidz]

It's just one click. Try it on another computer if it is not working, or contact Facebook support. It should only take a second.

 

Easier said than done. I will never speak to her again but I still like to look at her and see how she's doing.

[Luvmykidz]

Let's get this straight... according to you:

 

Your OW is your soulmate so you're going to ignore her.

 

And your wife you aren't in love with but need to be sure you're with to keep the peace?

 

Is that a right way to live life? If this is an agreement you've made with yourself then why don't you delete the OW from FB? That not right to be pretending to be working on your M...yet looking at the OW.

 

You are right. I'm at war with myself. I want to make the M work so I have to finally ignore my feelings and desires for once. I'm willing to sacrifice that to keep my marriage and kids. Yes, I love to look at the OW. She's strikingly beautiful and I've never met anyone like her in my life. I'm trying to combat my skeletons.

[Luvmykidz]

And you also wait for your wife to end the marriage.

 

Why don't YOU take charge of your life?

 

Have you always been this passive aggressive? You also seen conflict avoidant...those people hurt others so much because they don't stand up for what they want!

 

I mean - if you intend to do something then do it! Don't leave it to others.

 

Your happiness depends on your actions and living an authentic life.

 

You're so used to lying and pretending that you don't even know how to be real.

 

Take some action dude, live a life based on honesty.

 

Why are you pretending to stay married knowing you can't provide your wife with the love she deserves? That's a farce of a marriage - no one wants that! Your kids must see it too!

 

 

Be a man of integrity. Start now. You can save yourself from this mess you've created if you can get honest with yourself and others.

 

I admit that I struggle with just going with the flow and not taking charge. I think the universe shows you where you should be and who you should be with based on the circumstances at the time. My wife won't let me go, so this is where I'm meant to be.

[pepperbird]

I love my wife. She's stood by side all these years and she's the mother of my kids. Even after the first A, she refused to let me go and let the OW "win". I feel like we are meant to be because she continues to stay no matter what. I also love the OW. She's my soulmate and always has been. We have a very deep connection and nobody knows me better than she does. My W seems to only want me and to meet my needs when she feels threatened. Once she's "won" me, it's back to neglect. Regaurdless of all that, I made a commitment to my M so I have to get over that lost love.

 

 

First off, start taking some responsibility. As t stands right now, you are blaming your actions on your wife, and smugly assert that she neglects you.

 

 

That's pretty disingenuous coming from a man who has had a least two affairs, one of them long term, who says he never really loved his wife the way he loves his ow etc.

 

I expect that if we were to hear from your wife, she might well have some pretty interesting tales to tell about how you treat her.

[pepperbird]

You just tore me a new one. Damn. Anyway. I am ignoring the OW. I don't contact her at all. I just don't want to be the one the block her. She can be the one to block though. So was I supposed to tell my W I never stopped loving the OW? I feel like that's too much information to tell her, especially since I never had any intention on leaving the M. I made a commitment and I don't want people to know I failed. People look up to our M. I feel like I'm letting people down if I D. Also, I can't be the one to leave, only the W can. I don't want to be known as the man that abandoned his family.

 

 

Again, this is all about YOU.It's not about what is best for your wife or kids, it's all about you not wanting to look bad.

Edited June 9, 2018 by pepperbird

[Luvmykidz]

Again, a convenient way to absolve yourself from the responsibility of having to make the difficult decisions. And perhaps, absolve yourself from the guilt you feel toward the OW.

 

You are just a sail blowing in the wind... you will go whichever way the wind blows.

 

I have to admit that you are right. I've been doing it my whole adult life, just reacting to the situations around me and adjusting as they happened. I haven't taken charge with many things in my life and I feel like I could have done a lot more based on my capabilities. OW always inspired to take some risks and take charge. That's another reason why I have to ignore her because I don't want to face the truth about myself and who I really am.

[Luvmykidz]

Again, this is all about YOU.It's not about what is best for your wife or kids, it's all about you not wanting to look bad.

 

Yes, I want to please people and maintain my image. I guess it makes me a selfish Bastard to try and put my desires on the backburner.

[Luvmykidz]

First off, start taking some responsibility. As t stands right now, you are blaming your actions on your wife, and smugly assert that she neglects you.

 

 

That's pretty disingenuous coming from a man who has had a least two affairs, one of them long term, who says he never really loved his wife the way he loves his ow etc.

 

I expect that if we were to hear from your wife, she might well have some pretty interesting tales to tell about how you treat her.

 

I take responsibility. I shouldn't have slept with OW but cannot apologize for loving her. My love for OW has nothing to do with my W. I loved her first.

[S2B]

I admit that I struggle with just going with the flow and not taking charge. I think the universe shows you where you should be and who you should be with based on the circumstances at the time. My wife won't let me go, so this is where I'm meant to be.

 

Ahhhhh, I see... you are a victim of yourself... is that what you're saying?

[BaileyB]

Yes, I want to please people and maintain my image. I guess it makes me a selfish Bastard to try and put my desires on the backburner.

 

It doesn't make you a selfish bastard. It simply shows that you have difficulty establishing and maintaining healthy boundaries in a relationship...

 

Kind of like how you agreed to finance your marriage as penance for your affair. No healthy boundaries there.

[Luvmykidz]

Ahhhhh, I see... you are a victim of yourself... is that what you're saying?

 

I have a lot of baggage from my childhood and that traumatic experience with OW when we were young. I haven't been the same person since then. It made me cold.

[Luvmykidz]

It doesn't make you a selfish bastard. It simply shows that you have difficulty establishing and maintaining healthy boundaries in a relationship...

 

Kind of like how you agreed to finance your marriage as penance for your affair. No healthy boundaries there.

 

I still feel guilt from that first A. I had no feelings for that OW. It was just sex. But with this OW, it's scary because my feelings are deep. That's why I kept pulling back and that's why I'm done permanently.

[carhill]

Rewinding, your wife was aware of your first affair, right? If yes, a normal response would be suspicion and research if finding content, like the texts, from your more recent OW. She looked at your phone to see that content. It came from somewhere, right? A phone number, right? I presume your wife is as smart as the vast majority of women I've experienced in life, right?

 

Use her smarts, since she de facto has seen this OW's contact information, to assist you in unfriending the OW on Facebook or Twitter or whatever social media is appropriate. You already have guidance as to how she'll behave from how she handled your earlier affair. There's history. Who cares if she knows a name? Did she murder the first OW? Stalk her? Harass her?

 

Did you learn anything from your experiences on our forum? As a long-time member and former MM I'm curious. I'm a bit older than you but dealt with remarkably similar stuff, save for the kids (congrats!), that you have.

 

Since you're 'done permanently', throw a few shovelfuls of dirt on the coffin and plant the headstone. RIP. It's dead. Accept it.

[Luvmykidz]

Rewinding, your wife was aware of your first affair, right? If yes, a normal response would be suspicion and research if finding content, like the texts, from your more recent OW. She looked at your phone to see that content. It came from somewhere, right? A phone number, right? I presume your wife is as smart as the vast majority of women I've experienced in life, right?

 

Use her smarts, since she de facto has seen this OW's contact information, to assist you in unfriending the OW on Facebook or Twitter or whatever social media is appropriate. You already have guidance as to how she'll behave from how she handled your earlier affair. There's history. Who cares if she knows a name? Did she murder the first OW? Stalk her? Harass her?

 

Did you learn anything from your experiences on our forum? As a long-time member and former MM I'm curious. I'm a bit older than you but dealt with remarkably similar stuff, save for the kids (congrats!), that you have.

 

Since you're 'done permanently', throw a few shovelfuls of dirt on the coffin and plant the headstone. RIP. It's dead. Accept it.

 

Yes, she knows about the first A. I did learn something from the forum. I learned that an A isn't just physical.

[S2B]

Yes, I want to please people and maintain my image. I guess it makes me a selfish Bastard to try and put my desires on the backburner.

 

Come on, who are you kidding?

 

You've had multiple affairs. You don't put your desires on the back burner.

 

You're just sneaky about getting what you want.

 

Be honest!

[S2B]

I have a lot of baggage from my childhood and that traumatic experience with OW when we were young. I haven't been the same person since then. It made me cold.

 

And why doesn't your wife deserve a better man than what you've described?

 

YOU affect others. That's a f at. Why doesn't your wife deserve more than what you are/offer?

 

Why not make effort to improve yourself?

[S2B]

Yes, I want to please people and maintain my image. I guess it makes me a selfish Bastard to try and put my desires on the backburner.

 

Your choice buddy. But with decisions comes action.

 

And action behind finishing with your OW would mean YOU take that action to delete her.

 

Anything less is an ill attempt to fool your wife (again).

[PhillyLibertyBelle]

Your choice buddy. But with decisions comes action.

 

And action behind finishing with your OW would mean YOU take that action to delete her.

 

Anything less is an ill attempt to fool your wife (again).

 

S2B I agree with all your posts on this thread, but getting down to the lowest common denominator, OP is not in love with his wife, he’s not attracted to her, he really doesn’t even to seem to like her. There’s only one right thing to do here which is D. We don’t even know if the OW even gives a crap about OP or even wants him. The main thing here is let the W find someone who really loves her.. OP doesn’t and never will.