A is over but I don't want to unfriend the OW

[Luvmykidz]

And you also wait for your wife to end the marriage.

 

Why don't YOU take charge of your life?

 

Have you always been this passive aggressive? You also seen conflict avoidant...those people hurt others so much because they don't stand up for what they want!

 

I mean - if you intend to do something then do it! Don't leave it to others.

 

Your happiness depends on your actions and living an authentic life.

 

You're so used to lying and pretending that you don't even know how to be real.

 

Take some action dude, live a life based on honesty.

 

Why are you pretending to stay married knowing you can't provide your wife with the love she deserves? That's a farce of a marriage - no one wants that! Your kids must see it too!

 

 

Be a man of integrity. Start now. You can save yourself from this mess you've created if you can get honest with yourself and others.

 

I admit that I struggle with just going with the flow and not taking charge. I think the universe shows you where you should be and who you should be with based on the circumstances at the time. My wife won't let me go, so this is where I'm meant to be.

[pepperbird]

I love my wife. She's stood by side all these years and she's the mother of my kids. Even after the first A, she refused to let me go and let the OW "win". I feel like we are meant to be because she continues to stay no matter what. I also love the OW. She's my soulmate and always has been. We have a very deep connection and nobody knows me better than she does. My W seems to only want me and to meet my needs when she feels threatened. Once she's "won" me, it's back to neglect. Regaurdless of all that, I made a commitment to my M so I have to get over that lost love.

 

 

First off, start taking some responsibility. As t stands right now, you are blaming your actions on your wife, and smugly assert that she neglects you.

 

 

That's pretty disingenuous coming from a man who has had a least two affairs, one of them long term, who says he never really loved his wife the way he loves his ow etc.

 

I expect that if we were to hear from your wife, she might well have some pretty interesting tales to tell about how you treat her.

[pepperbird]

You just tore me a new one. Damn. Anyway. I am ignoring the OW. I don't contact her at all. I just don't want to be the one the block her. She can be the one to block though. So was I supposed to tell my W I never stopped loving the OW? I feel like that's too much information to tell her, especially since I never had any intention on leaving the M. I made a commitment and I don't want people to know I failed. People look up to our M. I feel like I'm letting people down if I D. Also, I can't be the one to leave, only the W can. I don't want to be known as the man that abandoned his family.

 

 

Again, this is all about YOU.It's not about what is best for your wife or kids, it's all about you not wanting to look bad.

Edited June 9, 2018 by pepperbird

[Luvmykidz]

Again, a convenient way to absolve yourself from the responsibility of having to make the difficult decisions. And perhaps, absolve yourself from the guilt you feel toward the OW.

 

You are just a sail blowing in the wind... you will go whichever way the wind blows.

 

I have to admit that you are right. I've been doing it my whole adult life, just reacting to the situations around me and adjusting as they happened. I haven't taken charge with many things in my life and I feel like I could have done a lot more based on my capabilities. OW always inspired to take some risks and take charge. That's another reason why I have to ignore her because I don't want to face the truth about myself and who I really am.

[Luvmykidz]

Again, this is all about YOU.It's not about what is best for your wife or kids, it's all about you not wanting to look bad.

 

Yes, I want to please people and maintain my image. I guess it makes me a selfish Bastard to try and put my desires on the backburner.

[Luvmykidz]

First off, start taking some responsibility. As t stands right now, you are blaming your actions on your wife, and smugly assert that she neglects you.

 

 

That's pretty disingenuous coming from a man who has had a least two affairs, one of them long term, who says he never really loved his wife the way he loves his ow etc.

 

I expect that if we were to hear from your wife, she might well have some pretty interesting tales to tell about how you treat her.

 

I take responsibility. I shouldn't have slept with OW but cannot apologize for loving her. My love for OW has nothing to do with my W. I loved her first.

[BaileyB]

Yes, I want to please people and maintain my image. I guess it makes me a selfish Bastard to try and put my desires on the backburner.

 

It doesn't make you a selfish bastard. It simply shows that you have difficulty establishing and maintaining healthy boundaries in a relationship...

 

Kind of like how you agreed to finance your marriage as penance for your affair. No healthy boundaries there.

[Luvmykidz]

Ahhhhh, I see... you are a victim of yourself... is that what you're saying?

 

I have a lot of baggage from my childhood and that traumatic experience with OW when we were young. I haven't been the same person since then. It made me cold.

[Luvmykidz]

It doesn't make you a selfish bastard. It simply shows that you have difficulty establishing and maintaining healthy boundaries in a relationship...

 

Kind of like how you agreed to finance your marriage as penance for your affair. No healthy boundaries there.

 

I still feel guilt from that first A. I had no feelings for that OW. It was just sex. But with this OW, it's scary because my feelings are deep. That's why I kept pulling back and that's why I'm done permanently.

[carhill]

Rewinding, your wife was aware of your first affair, right? If yes, a normal response would be suspicion and research if finding content, like the texts, from your more recent OW. She looked at your phone to see that content. It came from somewhere, right? A phone number, right? I presume your wife is as smart as the vast majority of women I've experienced in life, right?

 

Use her smarts, since she de facto has seen this OW's contact information, to assist you in unfriending the OW on Facebook or Twitter or whatever social media is appropriate. You already have guidance as to how she'll behave from how she handled your earlier affair. There's history. Who cares if she knows a name? Did she murder the first OW? Stalk her? Harass her?

 

Did you learn anything from your experiences on our forum? As a long-time member and former MM I'm curious. I'm a bit older than you but dealt with remarkably similar stuff, save for the kids (congrats!), that you have.

 

Since you're 'done permanently', throw a few shovelfuls of dirt on the coffin and plant the headstone. RIP. It's dead. Accept it.

[Luvmykidz]

Rewinding, your wife was aware of your first affair, right? If yes, a normal response would be suspicion and research if finding content, like the texts, from your more recent OW. She looked at your phone to see that content. It came from somewhere, right? A phone number, right? I presume your wife is as smart as the vast majority of women I've experienced in life, right?

 

Use her smarts, since she de facto has seen this OW's contact information, to assist you in unfriending the OW on Facebook or Twitter or whatever social media is appropriate. You already have guidance as to how she'll behave from how she handled your earlier affair. There's history. Who cares if she knows a name? Did she murder the first OW? Stalk her? Harass her?

 

Did you learn anything from your experiences on our forum? As a long-time member and former MM I'm curious. I'm a bit older than you but dealt with remarkably similar stuff, save for the kids (congrats!), that you have.

 

Since you're 'done permanently', throw a few shovelfuls of dirt on the coffin and plant the headstone. RIP. It's dead. Accept it.

 

Yes, she knows about the first A. I did learn something from the forum. I learned that an A isn't just physical.

[PhillyLibertyBelle]

Your choice buddy. But with decisions comes action.

 

And action behind finishing with your OW would mean YOU take that action to delete her.

 

Anything less is an ill attempt to fool your wife (again).

 

S2B I agree with all your posts on this thread, but getting down to the lowest common denominator, OP is not in love with his wife, he’s not attracted to her, he really doesn’t even to seem to like her. There’s only one right thing to do here which is D. We don’t even know if the OW even gives a crap about OP or even wants him. The main thing here is let the W find someone who really loves her.. OP doesn’t and never will.

[Luvmykidz]

S2B I agree with all your posts on this thread, but getting down to the lowest common denominator, OP is not in love with his wife, he’s not attracted to her, he really doesn’t even to seem to like her. There’s only one right thing to do here which is D. We don’t even know if the OW even gives a crap about OP or even wants him. The main thing here is let the W find someone who really loves her.. OP doesn’t and never will.

 

I am trying to fall in love with my W. Ever since she found out about the OW, she's been trying hard. More sex, not turning me down, etc. So because she's trying, I vowed to get rid of OW and never contact her again. It was too much of a distraction connecting with her everyday and it stopped me from being able to focus on my M. You're right though, she probably doesn't want me anymore after I coldly cut her off. I can't say I blame her but I did it for my family and M.

[Luvmykidz]

Your choice buddy. But with decisions comes action.

 

And action behind finishing with your OW would mean YOU take that action to delete her.

 

Anything less is an ill attempt to fool your wife (again).

 

Is saying that I won't contact OW or cheat again not enough? I can't change how I feel but I'm working on trying to erase the love. The first step is my ignoring her. I did that.

[Luvmykidz]

Beyond this good advice, I wonder Luvmykidz if you've ever considered individual therapy?

 

You've shown a tremendous ability to undermine your own stated goals and intentions.

 

You didn't want to repeat your Dad's mistakes yet you had three children out of wedlock.

 

You say you believe in marriage yet you've cheated multiple times over the course of many years.

 

You swear you love your wife yet you won't go NC with your AP.

 

You don't want to abandon your kids yet you've consistently put your marriage in jeopardy.

 

I could go on but the pattern is pretty clear - no one has been more dangerous to the things and ideals you say you hold dear than you.

 

Were it me, I'd want to understand why that is...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

You are right and no, I haven't thought about getting counseling. I'm just trying to get over this on my own. It's my problem.

[Luvmykidz]

Come on, who are you kidding?

 

You've had multiple affairs. You don't put your desires on the back burner.

 

You're just sneaky about getting what you want.

 

Be honest!

 

Maybe I'm kidding myself. I really want to stick to not contacting OW again. I feel powerful each day that goes by and stick to it. I'm addicted to her so it's just like my goal to quit cigarettes.

[BaileyB]

I am trying to fall in love with my W.

 

If I was your wife, having spent the last however many years you have been married together, after raising three children and having two of our own... If my husband wrote a comment like this it would break my heart. I would file for divorce immediately.

 

I would like to think that my husband wouldn't have to be "trying" to fall in love with me, after all that has been shared.

 

Individual counselling would not be a bad idea, my friend. You are in quite a pickle...

Edited June 9, 2018 by BaileyB

[mrs rubble]

Think about what your children are seeing. You may think they view you as a great dad and wonderful family man, truth is, children pick up on a lot more than what we realise. They're likely aware that you're neglectful towards your wife, they're likely aware that you finance the marriage, they're likely aware that there is no love between you and your wife.

This is the example you have provided for them, this is what they'll believe is normal. If you're happy to set your children up to aspire for this sort relationship in the future- go for it! However you mention your own father's behaviour having effect on you, yet you do the same (except for the leaving part)... I think its time to come clean and be honest with yourself and your family.

[whichwayisup]

I am trying to fall in love with my W. Ever since she found out about the OW, she's been trying hard. More sex, not turning me down, etc. So because she's trying, I vowed to get rid of OW and never contact her again. It was too much of a distraction connecting with her everyday and it stopped me from being able to focus on my M. You're right though, she probably doesn't want me anymore after I coldly cut her off. I can't say I blame her but I did it for my family and M.

 

Just my 2 cents, but I don't think you ever fully fell in love with your wife, even from day one. You've compared her to the OW and what was in the past. That can't be competed against.

 

So basically you've decided to 'settle' for your wife and the easier way. You'll suck it up, stay married for the sake of your kids and in a year or less, you'll be back in contact with the OW, even if casual by phone or email... Deep down ask yourself if you'll really be happy staying married. Imagine your life in 10 years from now once your kids have moved out and started their own lives... What will your marriage be like then? Can you picture living a life alone with your wife, connecting with her, traveling with her, having fun together?

 

My suggest for your own sanity, get counseling. Figure out which woman you truly want to be with. You're not your dad and if a divorce happens it can be done with respect and fairness.

 

Also, just because your wife doesn't want to divorce or let you go doesn't mean you 'have' to stay. if you want out you don't need her permission. Using that as an excuse isn't a justification to stay married.

[PhillyLibertyBelle]

Just my 2 cents, but I don't think you ever fully fell in love with your wife, even from day one. You've compared her to the OW and what was in the past. That can't be competed against.

 

So basically you've decided to 'settle' for your wife and the easier way. You'll suck it up, stay married for the sake of your kids and in a year or less, you'll be back in contact with the OW, even if casual by phone or email... Deep down ask yourself if you'll really be happy staying married. Imagine your life in 10 years from now once your kids have moved out and started their own lives... What will your marriage be like then? Can you picture living a life alone with your wife, connecting with her, traveling with her, having fun together?

 

My suggest for your own sanity, get counseling. Figure out which woman you truly want to be with. You're not your dad and if a divorce happens it can be done with respect and fairness.

 

Also, just because your wife doesn't want to divorce or let you go doesn't mean you 'have' to stay. if you want out you don't need her permission. Using that as an excuse isn't a justification to stay married.

 

He doesn’t need to waste money on therapy. He isn’t “choosing” between 2 women, and he already knows who he wants to be with.

 

He should go to therapy to learn how to stop being a compulsive liar, and get a backbone to be truthful and come clean to his wife and ask for a divorce.

[BaileyB]

[]

 

I would rather be single forever than stay with a man who does not love me, stays only out of duty while sneaking around behind my back - harbouring feelings for another woman and engaging in serial extramarital affairs. No, thank you.

Edited June 10, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Tangentially topical content retained.

[William]

It appears, besides taking more personal pot shots at the thread starter, characterizations are being made and advice is being provided to their non-extant spouse who's not a member here, so pending a return of the thread starter, we'll close this up.