A is over but I don't want to unfriend the OW

[Luvmykidz]

S2B I agree with all your posts on this thread, but getting down to the lowest common denominator, OP is not in love with his wife, he’s not attracted to her, he really doesn’t even to seem to like her. There’s only one right thing to do here which is D. We don’t even know if the OW even gives a crap about OP or even wants him. The main thing here is let the W find someone who really loves her.. OP doesn’t and never will.

 

I am trying to fall in love with my W. Ever since she found out about the OW, she's been trying hard. More sex, not turning me down, etc. So because she's trying, I vowed to get rid of OW and never contact her again. It was too much of a distraction connecting with her everyday and it stopped me from being able to focus on my M. You're right though, she probably doesn't want me anymore after I coldly cut her off. I can't say I blame her but I did it for my family and M.

[Luvmykidz]

Your choice buddy. But with decisions comes action.

 

And action behind finishing with your OW would mean YOU take that action to delete her.

 

Anything less is an ill attempt to fool your wife (again).

 

Is saying that I won't contact OW or cheat again not enough? I can't change how I feel but I'm working on trying to erase the love. The first step is my ignoring her. I did that.

[Luvmykidz]

Beyond this good advice, I wonder Luvmykidz if you've ever considered individual therapy?

 

You've shown a tremendous ability to undermine your own stated goals and intentions.

 

You didn't want to repeat your Dad's mistakes yet you had three children out of wedlock.

 

You say you believe in marriage yet you've cheated multiple times over the course of many years.

 

You swear you love your wife yet you won't go NC with your AP.

 

You don't want to abandon your kids yet you've consistently put your marriage in jeopardy.

 

I could go on but the pattern is pretty clear - no one has been more dangerous to the things and ideals you say you hold dear than you.

 

Were it me, I'd want to understand why that is...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

You are right and no, I haven't thought about getting counseling. I'm just trying to get over this on my own. It's my problem.

[Luvmykidz]

Come on, who are you kidding?

 

You've had multiple affairs. You don't put your desires on the back burner.

 

You're just sneaky about getting what you want.

 

Be honest!

 

Maybe I'm kidding myself. I really want to stick to not contacting OW again. I feel powerful each day that goes by and stick to it. I'm addicted to her so it's just like my goal to quit cigarettes.

[BaileyB]

I am trying to fall in love with my W.

 

If I was your wife, having spent the last however many years you have been married together, after raising three children and having two of our own... If my husband wrote a comment like this it would break my heart. I would file for divorce immediately.

 

I would like to think that my husband wouldn't have to be "trying" to fall in love with me, after all that has been shared.

 

Individual counselling would not be a bad idea, my friend. You are in quite a pickle...

Edited June 9, 2018 by BaileyB

[mrs rubble]

Think about what your children are seeing. You may think they view you as a great dad and wonderful family man, truth is, children pick up on a lot more than what we realise. They're likely aware that you're neglectful towards your wife, they're likely aware that you finance the marriage, they're likely aware that there is no love between you and your wife.

This is the example you have provided for them, this is what they'll believe is normal. If you're happy to set your children up to aspire for this sort relationship in the future- go for it! However you mention your own father's behaviour having effect on you, yet you do the same (except for the leaving part)... I think its time to come clean and be honest with yourself and your family.

[S2B]

Is saying that I won't contact OW or cheat again not enough? I can't change how I feel but I'm working on trying to erase the love. The first step is my ignoring her. I did that.

 

But you won't delete her and you won't tell your W who it is...

 

And for all of that I will argue that you are just too into yourself and not recognizing how you single handedly ruined many lives.

 

Looks like you don't respect your wife, you're not honest with her and you don't love her.

 

Tell her the affair has been for 15 years!!! Which is most of your married life.

 

Divorce. Be by YOURSELF... grow and learn how to be a giving person who considers how you affects others. The way you have participated has ruined many lives.

 

Stop being so selfish.

 

Your wife deserves better. Your OW deserves better.

 

Leave women alone for a long, long time... at least until you can figure out how to stop causing harm to everyone you claim to love.

 

Your idea of loving someone is sick and twisted.

 

Get help.

Edited June 10, 2018 by S2B

[S2B]

I don't see you trying to repair the damage you've done to your wife.

 

You've had no consequences...and that's not motivating for the cheater to change who he is.

 

You're skating along still doing whatever you choose - even hurting family even more based on lies and coverup - deception never allows love to grow- it strangled it and squeezes the life out of the love.

 

Yet you play dumb like you don't know the harm you've done. Like you're the victim. YOU made these choices that have ruined all these people - just make it stop. Do no harm - by being with only yourself for a few years.

 

Let both those women go. Free to find an honest man who doesn't keep hurting them.

[whichwayisup]

I am trying to fall in love with my W. Ever since she found out about the OW, she's been trying hard. More sex, not turning me down, etc. So because she's trying, I vowed to get rid of OW and never contact her again. It was too much of a distraction connecting with her everyday and it stopped me from being able to focus on my M. You're right though, she probably doesn't want me anymore after I coldly cut her off. I can't say I blame her but I did it for my family and M.

 

Just my 2 cents, but I don't think you ever fully fell in love with your wife, even from day one. You've compared her to the OW and what was in the past. That can't be competed against.

 

So basically you've decided to 'settle' for your wife and the easier way. You'll suck it up, stay married for the sake of your kids and in a year or less, you'll be back in contact with the OW, even if casual by phone or email... Deep down ask yourself if you'll really be happy staying married. Imagine your life in 10 years from now once your kids have moved out and started their own lives... What will your marriage be like then? Can you picture living a life alone with your wife, connecting with her, traveling with her, having fun together?

 

My suggest for your own sanity, get counseling. Figure out which woman you truly want to be with. You're not your dad and if a divorce happens it can be done with respect and fairness.

 

Also, just because your wife doesn't want to divorce or let you go doesn't mean you 'have' to stay. if you want out you don't need her permission. Using that as an excuse isn't a justification to stay married.

[PhillyLibertyBelle]

Just my 2 cents, but I don't think you ever fully fell in love with your wife, even from day one. You've compared her to the OW and what was in the past. That can't be competed against.

 

So basically you've decided to 'settle' for your wife and the easier way. You'll suck it up, stay married for the sake of your kids and in a year or less, you'll be back in contact with the OW, even if casual by phone or email... Deep down ask yourself if you'll really be happy staying married. Imagine your life in 10 years from now once your kids have moved out and started their own lives... What will your marriage be like then? Can you picture living a life alone with your wife, connecting with her, traveling with her, having fun together?

 

My suggest for your own sanity, get counseling. Figure out which woman you truly want to be with. You're not your dad and if a divorce happens it can be done with respect and fairness.

 

Also, just because your wife doesn't want to divorce or let you go doesn't mean you 'have' to stay. if you want out you don't need her permission. Using that as an excuse isn't a justification to stay married.

 

He doesn’t need to waste money on therapy. He isn’t “choosing” between 2 women, and he already knows who he wants to be with.

 

He should go to therapy to learn how to stop being a compulsive liar, and get a backbone to be truthful and come clean to his wife and ask for a divorce.

[BaileyB]

[]

 

I would rather be single forever than stay with a man who does not love me, stays only out of duty while sneaking around behind my back - harbouring feelings for another woman and engaging in serial extramarital affairs. No, thank you.

Edited June 10, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Tangentially topical content retained.

[William]

It appears, besides taking more personal pot shots at the thread starter, characterizations are being made and advice is being provided to their non-extant spouse who's not a member here, so pending a return of the thread starter, we'll close this up.