Can this complicated situation work??

[NZHoney]

Well, not sure where to start, so I’ll just jump right on in. 6 weeks ago my best friend, Julie (she’s 26, I’m 45, both female) informed me that she was gay and that she wanted to start dating my daughter, Denise, now 25. The fact that Julie came out to me was not a shock, I’d kinda known for as long as I had known her that it was a likelihood, and Denise had made a few random comments in a family group chat, so that was not a real shock either, nor was it a problem, as my husband (my children's father) and I love and accept our children for the people they are. The fact that they were dating each other is my problem. Now I’ll tell you why.

 

Julie works with me, it’s how we met about 2 years ago. We became very good friends over the last 18 months, we just clicked, and she has become a very important person to me, my best friend who I can tell anything to. I brought her in as part of our family, where she considered me (in her own words) to be the “mother she never had”, and outside of work she was like a daughter to me. Her relationship with her own mother is toxic, at best.

 

About a year ago, Julie wanted to buy a house, but couldn’t by herself, due to debts, so I suggested that she talked to Helen, my third daughter, who is almost 23. Julie and Helen got on great, so much so that Julie had suggested to Helen about 6 months before that they go flatting together, so they decided to buy a house together, which they did and moved in last September. Denise became quite a fixture in the house, spending a lot of time there. Helen thought it was because Denise wanted to spend time with her, her sister, but it turns out not to be the case. So, following so far? Julie works with me and lives with my daughter Helen…

 

 

Denise left her husband in February this year. They had been married for 6 years, and have four children aged 5 and under. After this she started spending even more time in her sisters house, until the end of April when the announcement came out (pardon the pun) that she was getting together with my best friend, and her sister’s housemate.

 

Well, things have been awful for the last six weeks. Neither Helen nor I are able to accept this, even though we really want to. Both of us have our own feelings of being betrayed. I feel that Denise has used her sister to get close to her housemate. I also feel that I am losing my best friend, as I have been replaced in a lot of plans that Julie and I planned to do together, and I’m really not sure if our friendship can survive this.

 

Prior to their announcement, the four of us (me, Julie, Helen and Denise) had become a tight little group. We did a lot together, like movies, day trips, generally just hanging out. This has killed that group, now it is just awkward. Helen won’t talk much to Denise and has only really just started talking to Julie again, which has made their living situation pretty horrid. I still see them all on my own, heck two of them are my daughters! But I am sad that our little group has died, and my relationship with Denise has suffered quite a bit, even though, funnily enough, we are spending more time together than we have in a long time. I am so annoyed at her, annoyed that she would rip her sisters world apart, that she would hurt me. I am really uncomfortable about seeing them together, not because they are demonstrative, neither of them are PDA kind of people, but just seeing them to together feels so wrong!

 

By the end of the first week of knowing this, I started seeing a psychologist, and have made some pretty good progress, I’m not outwardly angry anymore, and I have given them my blessing, because what else could I do. I also know that they have as much of a right to be happy as I do (and am in my marriage), but did they have to do it at the cost of everyone else...? I am still very very sad. I’m not sure if this comes across as selfish or valid, but this has caused a whole heap of hurt for our family, hurt that I don’t know how I am going to get over. Any suggestions?

[anika99]

That does sound complicated and your feelings are certainly understandable. However I'm not sure that there is much that can be done about the situation other then everyone coming to accept this new dynamic and getting on with life.

 

You say that Julie and Denise chose their happiness at the cost of everyone else's happiness. Is that a rational way of looking at this? How exactly is their relationship impacting everyone's lives? What great hardship and burden is everyone else going to have to bear because your friend and your daughter fell in love? Their relationship hasn't changed anyone's life. Everyone else is unhappy because they are choosing to be unhappy, not because their actual lives have been changed in a negative way.

 

I get that you and your other daughter feel betrayed because your friend and your daughter kept their feelings secret at first but they likely suspected that you and your family might not be accepting so they probably really wanted to be sure of their feelings for each other before telling anyone. I wouldn't say that anyone has really been wronged here, at least not you or your other daughters. The only thing that raised a concern for me is that you say Denise has 4 small children and she just left her husband in February. This makes me wonder if she was cheating on her husband? Or if she latched onto Julie as rebound? I'm most worried about her children and how they are coping with all these changes. Denise has a lot on her plate being a newly single mother with 4 kids and her kids need to be her priority so she shouldn't rush into a new relationship too fast.

[SunnyWeather]

I don't think Denise and Julie did anything nefarious. Love just happens, and sometimes relationships can get complicated. It's also puzzling that your 'best friend' is so much younger than you. They are still at the age of figuring things out, and it is not out of the ordinary to become attracted to each other due to their close proximity.

 

Are you sure you're feeling betrayal or are you really uneasy that your daughter is gay? (not asking in judgement, just pointing for you to ask yourself why you are really feeling the way you are regarding the situation).

 

good luck, and maybe it's time to find friends your own age and let young adults find their way while at the same time having the benefit of your wise guidance and support.

[preraph]

With the age gap between you and Julie, I think you're right that it was more of a mother role she saw you as. You refer to your relationship with her and the girls as if they are your best friends, your group, but they are your daughters, and Julie is their peer. It wouldn't surprise me if Julie kind of stuck to you and Helen to get to Julie, but that's not really a shock with people in their mid-20s. that's kind of what happens.

 

I think you need to reassess and just get more realistic about what your relationship is with Julie and stop thinking of her as a best friend when she sees you as the mother she never had. Probably a good time to make a real effort to rejuvenate your social life with your old friends and peers and just kind of get out of the middle of this with Julie and your daughters so you don't have to hear all the gory details and can try to just be there for your daughters, although they are grown, in case they want to talk. But I think distance is key. Don't stay in the middle of this. When and if they crash and burn, it will be more difficult than it is now if you still think of yourself as Julie's friend above all else.

[CC12]

Yeah, it comes across as selfish, or self-centered, at least. You seem to be taking this all extremely personally.

 

I feel that Denise has used her sister to get close to her housemate.

 

Is there anything specific that made you feel this way? The simplest explanation is that Denise liked spending time with her sister and their friend and the feelings developed as a result of that time together. Why do you think there was something dishonest going on?

 

I also think you need to rethink your boundaries with your girls. You may see Julie as your best friend, but she sees you as a mother figure. And you're literally the other girls' mother. You shouldn't be taking sides in their arguments. You should be supportive to all of them, equally, especially your biological daughters. Don't get involved in their arguments. You're the mom. Act like the mom, not a participant in the disputes of young adult women.

 

And it sucks that you've kind of been replaced in some of the activities that you and Julie would have done together, but that's just kind of what happens when someone gets into a new relationship. And how are Julie and Denise supposed to include you and Helen in anything when you two so clearly don't approve?

 

So what is your ideal solution? Do you want them to stop dating?