Reasoning in a retroactively jealous,insecure mind

[mingomatic]

Retroactive jealousy and how men perceive women's willingness to do certain sexual acts as a validation of their own desirability.

 

Sample thoughts:

1. My girlfriend was willing to be the side-chick to a married man , but expects me to be monogamous and faithful to her because 'she's turned over a new leaf' and 'that was in the past'. She clearly thinks that married man is a stud alpha and allows him to have two women, while Mr.Safe /Beta me can't.

 

2. My girlfriend sent sexy selfies to an ex all the time. She doesn't do that for me because I found those selfies as part of a revenge porn package sent to me, and she's traumatized. She won't do sexy selfies for me when I ask for some while I'm away on my business trip because she's afraid of exposure and another fappening-type scenariio. She didn't think of these risks with the ex , but she's got an excuse handy for me. Therefore that ex is much more desirable to her and she trusted that ex much more in the past than she trusts me now.

 

These are all the OCD thoughts I have in my head. I can't reason with these thoughts or come up with a counter argument. Can you help me?

[mingomatic]

I tried by asking her

 

Tell me something that you do for me that you never did/told for any of your exes....

And she said :' I told you about my period pains. I've never told any of my exes about that. ' (I'm a doctor)

'I told you that sometimes I wish my niece was my daughter. I really want a baby. I never told anybody else this'

 

Yeah... what I want to hear was something sexual that you did for me that is MINE alone that no other ex has done with her. That would go a long way.

(she can lie to me at this point, but she didn't) .... she just kept quiet.

[basil67]

I looked up your previous thread for context https://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/cheating-flirting-jealousy/654554-maddona-complex-after-having-girlfriend-s-sexual-past-forcibly-shown-me-2.html

 

Here you are angrily treating her as a sex machine, you're viewing her as depraved and are wanting to have affairs. You don't respect her. But you wonder why she won't send you sexy selfies.

 

You had already turned to the dark side in your previous post. Yet you are still with her, continuing allowing the past to eat you alive. If you want to return to being a respectable man, you must end this relationship with her. Set yourselves both free from this.

[salparadise]

Well, you certainly do have yourself eyeballs deep in a messy, incongruent situation. What I cannot discern though, is whether it's all due to your obsessive-compulsive, jealous nature, or whether your girlfriend gets off on pulling your strings by being manipulative, controlling and withholding. One thing is for sure though, she's the one in control and you're spinning in circles.

 

The instant transformation from adultress-mistress to virtuous good-girl is suspect. Is this consistent in all contexts, all the time? Is she remorseful about the affair? Is she truly remorseful about anything at all? I do think it matters whether the virtuous good-girl is merely a veneer... whether she's regulated by post-conventional morality, or if it's a facade to create a socially acceptable image.

 

Questions: 1) Has she been in contact with the married man recently (friends or otherwise), or did she cut him completely out years ago? 2) aside from not having a "thing" that she's only done with you, how is your sex life? Is is it exciting, free-flowing and generous, or does she limit you as to when, how much, and what [normal, for the two of you] activities are allowed and not allowed to engage in? 3) what is your relationship like in all the ways that do not involve sex? Does she respect you and treat you well? Honest and truthful? Fun and lighthearted? Cooperative or competitive?

 

Answering these questions should provide more insight into the relationship dynamics and help us to give you better advice. The thing to keep in mind though, you can't will her to be who you wish she was. You can only accept what is (or not). With respect to you... you can't change the facts, but you can change how you respond and how you feel to some degree.

Edited June 9, 2018 by salparadise

[BaileyB]

Perhaps she has learned from her past mistakes, and she is putting more responsible boundaries in place?

 

Reading your previous post, it quite clear that there is a lack of trust in this relationship. It's hard to have a loving, trusting, adventurous sex life when there is a lack of trust.

Edited June 9, 2018 by BaileyB

[act00]

Just because she got involved with a married man doesn't mean she condones it or thinks it's okay. People get involved in mistakes, and if you peruse the OM/OW board, you know how painful it is. You read how people got involved, even knowing it was wrong. Getting involved in a mistake doesn't give you or anyone the green light to behave as she did or the ex did.

 

What's concerning to me is not only is she still in contact with this man, but she's still sending him nudes. It doesn't have to be naked selfies at all. The fact of the matter is, she is still involved with her ex...it could be any ex or a new man she picked up along the way...she's involved inappropriately with another man while in a relationship with you. You need to walk away from this.

 

This isn't an eye for an eye or a tit for tat situation. This is leaving a relationship that is not working. She is still clinging to dear life for a fantasy she will never have. She got involved with a married man, and there are children involved. Her character and boundaries are questionable. She is lost in feelings and emotions and justifying staying in this ex relationship, all the while expecting you to be her solid, normal, loving and trusting man. This OM doesn't get out of this unscathed...he's a jerk, but you're not in a relationship with him; you're in a love triangle with him; but your relationship is your GF...who is not really your GF. She's attached to someone else.

 

Of course she won't condone you straying...meanwhile she strays. Your solution to this should not be to go out and cheat. Your solution to this is to walk away from this relationship and find someone who is confident and loyal, loving, independent, and devoted to you and building a life together.

 

You do not need all the details of past sexual experiences. These details are a relationship killer and breeds jealousy and insecurity. You know she "did it," and that's all you need to know. I suggest you don't prod for such details in the future...when you break out of this relationship and find someone worthy of you.

 

And don't walk into new relationships with this anger and vindictiveness.

 

You seem very angry and vindictive.

 

This is what I'm reading as an example: My GF got involved with a man that beat his wife black and blue; therefore, I should be allowed to beat other women...just not my GF. <--???

[mingomatic]

Just because she got involved with a married man doesn't mean she condones it or thinks it's okay. People get involved in mistakes, and if you peruse the OM/OW board, you know how painful it is. You read how people got involved, even knowing it was wrong. Getting involved in a mistake doesn't give you or anyone the green light to behave as she did or the ex did.

 

What's concerning to me is not only is she still in contact with this man, but she's still sending him nudes. It doesn't have to be naked selfies at all. The fact of the matter is, she is still involved with her ex...it could be any ex or a new man she picked up along the way...she's involved inappropriately with another man while in a relationship with you. You need to walk away from this.

 

This isn't an eye for an eye or a tit for tat situation. This is leaving a relationship that is not working. She is still clinging to dear life for a fantasy she will never have. She got involved with a married man, and there are children involved. Her character and boundaries are questionable. She is lost in feelings and emotions and justifying staying in this ex relationship, all the while expecting you to be her solid, normal, loving and trusting man. This OM doesn't get out of this unscathed...he's a jerk, but you're not in a relationship with him; you're in a love triangle with him; but your relationship is your GF...who is not really your GF. She's attached to someone else.

 

Of course she won't condone you straying...meanwhile she strays. Your solution to this should not be to go out and cheat. Your solution to this is to walk away from this relationship and find someone who is confident and loyal, loving, independent, and devoted to you and building a life together.

 

You do not need all the details of past sexual experiences. These details are a relationship killer and breeds jealousy and insecurity. You know she "did it," and that's all you need to know. I suggest you don't prod for such details in the future...when you break out of this relationship and find someone worthy of you.

 

And don't walk into new relationships with this anger and vindictiveness.

 

You seem very angry and vindictive.

 

This is what I'm reading as an example: My GF got involved with a man that beat his wife black and blue; therefore, I should be allowed to beat other women...just not my GF. <--???

 

the selfies were from before my time, while she was involved with him. She wouldn't send me similar ones which got me mad. She was communicating with him as platonicfriends when we were dating, thinking he could be trusted.

[BaileyB]

the selfies were from before my time, while she was involved with him. She wouldn't send me similar ones which got me mad.

 

Are you a child? You sound like a child throwing a tantrum because your girlfriend won’t send you naked pictures of herself. Grow up!

 

Do you not hear the horror stories on the news of women who send naked photos to a man only to lose control of the images and have them distributed without their consent. A woman would have to be stupid to do this - even with a trusted partner. Sorry, no can do. If your argument is that she did it for him, but not for you, I say get over yourself. That has as much maturity and reasoning as the argument “he hit me first.” She is smart for not sharing naked photos of herself with a man who has not proved himself to be a mature and trustworthy partner.

[act00]

the selfies were from before my time, while she was involved with him. She wouldn't send me similar ones which got me mad. She was communicating with him as platonicfriends when we were dating, thinking he could be trusted.

 

Maybe she phased out of sending naked pictures, and maybe...just maybe...you're projecting your vindictive, spiteful attitude at her, your jealousy, and she doesn't trust you enough to do such a thing. You are so angry and out to seek revenge, there is no way I would put myself in such a vulnerable position, and I hardly expect your girlfriend to do that either.

 

You seriously think that because she got involved with a married man, that this should give YOU the green light to have an affair? You are so screwed and twisted in your thinking pattern, you are downright frightening. Add to that, you have a high level of anger and jealousy over the fact she has had an intimate past.

 

Not only do I think you need to seriously work on yourself and your own psyche, but you need to remove yourself from this girlfriend of yours who is causing you so much anxiety and anger...at first I thought she was playing games and keeping a couple irons in the fire, but now I'm thinking all of this drama is YOU...YOU are the issue. Not her. The poor dear has a past, just like you do, and you're so mad at her past, you think you can f** around and treat her like s**t because, hey, that's what the last guy did. She was once the other woman, so it's okay to take on another woman...kick her twice...good strategy <sarcasm>.

 

I am so lost on your thinking pattern.

 

Leave this poor girl alone. She has a right to be with someone who loves her fully and feels no need to punish her because she had past relationships and made some bad choices.

[mingomatic]

Maybe she phased out of sending naked pictures, and maybe...just maybe...you're projecting your vindictive, spiteful attitude at her, your jealousy, and she doesn't trust you enough to do such a thing. You are so angry and out to seek revenge, there is no way I would put myself in such a vulnerable position, and I hardly expect your girlfriend to do that either.

 

You seriously think that because she got involved with a married man, that this should give YOU the green light to have an affair? You are so screwed and twisted in your thinking pattern, you are downright frightening. Add to that, you have a high level of anger and jealousy over the fact she has had an intimate past.

 

Not only do I think you need to seriously work on yourself and your own psyche, but you need to remove yourself from this girlfriend of yours who is causing you so much anxiety and anger...at first I thought she was playing games and keeping a couple irons in the fire, but now I'm thinking all of this drama is YOU...YOU are the issue. Not her. The poor dear has a past, just like you do, and you're so mad at her past, you think you can f** around and treat her like s**t because, hey, that's what the last guy did. She was once the other woman, so it's okay to take on another woman...kick her twice...good strategy <sarcasm>.

 

I am so lost on your thinking pattern.

 

Leave this poor girl alone. She has a right to be with someone who loves her fully and feels no need to punish her because she had past relationships and made some bad choices.

 

So she can whitewash her history again and start over with another guy and this time no danger of the married man contacting him because she's learnt her lesson? She got a sweet deal. Screwing around and destroying a family, then washing her hands of the whole thing and starting over, while that wife and child have to live with broken pieces.

[act00]

So she can whitewash her history again and start over with another guy and this time no danger of the married man contacting him because she's learnt her lesson? She got a sweet deal. Screwing around and destroying a family, then washing her hands of the whole thing and starting over, while that wife and child have to live with broken pieces.

 

How is this any of your business and why do you feel like it's your job to screw her over and hurt her because she had a bad relationship and made bad choices in the past? How is this your personal vendetta?

 

If you are unhappy with her past choices and her past behaviors, you need to exit the relationship. You do not stay with her and kick her and hold these bad choices over her head, and then tell her she she'd better be okay with your cruelty because she was once involved with a married man. No. You don't do that. If you are unhappy with her past and her past choices, and you can't love her for the woman she is today, then you walk away. You break up. You do NOT stay with her, pretend to love her, and make her life a living hell because you feel she deserves it. The answer to that is no.

 

Your attitude is frightening and abusive. If you can't accept her and love her despite her past, walk away. If she continues to make bad choices, walk away.

 

I would have walked way from this situation a long time ago...the man who was having an affair and cheating on his wife decided it would be a good idea to contact his mistress' father because his side chick finally decided to walk away? Good gawd, what a nightmare, and you're putting all the blame on your girlfriend and none of the blame on this dude who was busy putting his pecker in places he shouldn't...then this man going off on the side chick's family when she finally dumps him?? He blew up his own world and put it on display.

[mingomatic]

How is this any of your business and why do you feel like it's your job to screw her over and hurt her because she had a bad relationship and made bad choices in the past? How is this your personal vendetta?

 

If you are unhappy with her past choices and her past behaviors, you need to exit the relationship. You do not stay with her and kick her and hold these bad choices over her head, and then tell her she she'd better be okay with your cruelty because she was once involved with a married man. No. You don't do that. If you are unhappy with her past and her past choices, and you can't love her for the woman she is today, then you walk away. You break up. You do NOT stay with her, pretend to love her, and make her life a living hell because you feel she deserves it. The answer to that is no.

 

Your attitude is frightening and abusive. If you can't accept her and love her despite her past, walk away. If she continues to make bad choices, walk away.

 

I would have walked way from this situation a long time ago...the man who was having an affair and cheating on his wife decided it would be a good idea to contact his mistress' father because his side chick finally decided to walk away? Good gawd, what a nightmare, and you're putting all the blame on your girlfriend and none of the blame on this dude who was busy putting his pecker in places he shouldn't...then this man going off on the side chick's family when she finally dumps him?? He blew up his own world and put it on display.

 

You see a pothole on the ground and avoid it. Then you try to fix it or get someone else to fix it. Of course, you could just say, whew, lucky that I avoided that, now it's none of my business if the next guy gets into an auto accident because I'm not coming back to this road ever. She's going to screw up the next guy after me, based on her mindset.

And initially I accepted her at risk of my own personal reputation if my family found out about her past, and forgive her for communicating with that married man behind my back (but as friends). She also ended communication with him , but not out of respect to me, but because he betrayed her. then when i ask her again whether he's been bothering her , she says she 'keeps to short answers only' whenever he bugs her. Sounds like she doesn't know what 'no communication ' means. I accepted it because I thought she needed to placate him so he wouldn't really go amok and start sending emails to all and sundry. But still, that feeling of betrayal is there because she's still in communication with him, and he rubs it in my face by sending me photos of her past. He's telling me that he got photos. Why can't I get anything more than this beta treatment even after all I've accepted her for initially? If she had been more sexually open with me instead of trying to keep up this facade/pretending to recast herself as a virtuous girl, this wouldn't happen. Why can't she understand that boyfriends want a sexy adventurous girl who seduces them in private, and a sweet, empathetic kind girlfriend persona that she shows the outside world? Is that so hard for her ?

Let's say you are the next guy and by chance I see her with you one day. I walk up to you and ask you if you want the red pill or the blue pill. Which do you choose?

Edited June 10, 2018 by mingomatic

[mingomatic]

Just because she got involved with a married man doesn't mean she condones it or thinks it's okay.

 

She knows its wrong but she's so attracted to him that she still does it anyway. How do I become that alpha and studly like him?

[basil67]

He's a guy who had to resort to using revenge porn. This is the act of a weak, desperate man. Far from being alpha and studly.

 

If you wan to to become alpha and studly, you need to either rise above all this or leave her alone.

[BaileyB]

So she can whitewash her history again and start over with another guy and this time no danger of the married man contacting him because she's learnt her lesson? She got a sweet deal. Screwing around and destroying a family, then washing her hands of the whole thing and starting over, while that wife and child have to live with broken pieces.

 

Wow! That's a lot of judgment there.

 

Why is it any of your business what she does or does not do in the future? It is not your responsibility to protect other men from this terrible woman... Who, you would be very happily dating today if she would have been more sexually adventurous with you and told the first guy to take a hike.

Edited June 10, 2018 by BaileyB

[FMW]

mingomatic, you really need to stay away from this woman, have zero contact with her. You are obsessed, it's a little scary.

 

Your posts today have the same tone as the ones started 3 months ago, and maybe even more intense now. And I've seen your posts on another online forum, same story.

 

Your need for revenge is really unhealthy. Read all the responses to your posts, on all forums, process them, and just let.her.go. Stop.

 

She's messed up, but hanging on so tightly to this isn't the action of someone who has it all together himself.

[act00]

Sweetie, if the road has that many potholes, you stop driving on that road. You have choices here.

 

Seeking revenge won't fix her and won't erase her past. It will damage her, and damage you - that is not alpha male. Alpha males walk away from bad situations because they value themselves. Alpha males don't set out to destroy people. They're too good for that.

 

This relationship is so damaged. If you actually sent that letter to her, that really takes you down a few notches. You're busy judging and shaming her and doing everything in your power to hurt her and seek revenge, you really stooped down to levels of low that I don't know that the relationship can recover. Very spiteful and very unhealthy. You're not good for each other. Let her go...with dignity.

[mingomatic]

Sweetie, if the road has that many potholes, you stop driving on that road. You have choices here.

 

Seeking revenge won't fix her and won't erase her past. It will damage her, and damage you - that is not alpha male. Alpha males walk away from bad situations because they value themselves. Alpha males don't set out to destroy people. They're too good for that.

 

This relationship is so damaged. If you actually sent that letter to her, that really takes you down a few notches. You're busy judging and shaming her and doing everything in your power to hurt her and seek revenge, you really stooped down to levels of low that I don't know that the relationship can recover. Very spiteful and very unhealthy. You're not good for each other. Let her go...with dignity.

 

yeah. stop driving on it. and inform people so thet they know there is a pothole.

If she's stupid or unlucky enough to date someone I know , nothing would give me greater joy than to warn them.

Girls always share stories about guys online and warn other girls not to date them because 'felt me up', 'tried to get me drunk'. I feel 'lying about her past affiar' should be one of these things.

[mingomatic]

Sweetie, if the road has that many potholes, you stop driving on that road. You have choices here.

 

Seeking revenge won't fix her and won't erase her past. It will damage her, and damage you - that is not alpha male. Alpha males walk away from bad situations because they value themselves. Alpha males don't set out to destroy people. They're too good for that.

 

This relationship is so damaged. If you actually sent that letter to her, that really takes you down a few notches. You're busy judging and shaming her and doing everything in your power to hurt her and seek revenge, you really stooped down to levels of low that I don't know that the relationship can recover. Very spiteful and very unhealthy. You're not good for each other. Let her go...with dignity.

 

If this feels good, then it's therapeutic.

Edited June 10, 2018 by mingomatic

[big dog]

I tried by asking her

 

Tell me something that you do for me that you never did/told for any of your exes....

And she said :' I told you about my period pains. I've never told any of my exes about that. ' (I'm a doctor)

'I told you that sometimes I wish my niece was my daughter. I really want a baby. I never told anybody else this'

 

Yeah... what I want to hear was something sexual that you did for me that is MINE alone that no other ex has done with her. That would go a long way.

(she can lie to me at this point, but she didn't) .... she just kept quiet.

Sounds like you need to just get outta this relationship. It's not gonna work. If you have to force these kind of issues then you will never be happy. Neither will she.