just want a listening ear

[soemptyinside]

so came on here just to cry and type, i havent slept , it feels like i have a brain tumor thats how bad my

head aches. i have lost almost 30 pounds, i have 2 kids, one with him , and one with another guy. he aswell , one with another woman n one with me. we were together for 7 years, in the beggining he was the greatest guy in the world. he treated me so well and did everything for me. i remember he would leave work on his 15 minute break and drive accross town just to come see me. we got along so good and our relationship was amazing.

 

around year 3 i made some really bad choices and i left him for another man. it crushed him.it had nothing to do with anything that he did, he was perfect, i was not. i became cold and cruel and said everything mean to him a person possible could. why , i dont know why, at the time. i guess i feel like i wanted him to hate me so that i didnt have to fill guilty about my feelings for someone else.

 

6 months later i got back with my bf.i changed , i didnt click with him anymore, i didnt get his jokes, and everything he did annoyed me or angered me. he tried hard and hard and i kept rejecting him, i didnt laugh anymore and i didnt feel like i was even attracted to him. after being with someone else and going backwards, i felt like i was really not moving forward in life and i was blaming him for it. when all he ever did was love me .

 

i stayed with him and i wasnt nice to him for a long time. when i found out i was pregnant, i changed, i changed back to the old me. i looked in the mirror and realized the monster i had become , and i dont even know what happend. i dont know how things got so bad, to the point where id rather be with a stranger than my amazing man.

 

at this point he had changed. he was broken. i broke him. i rejected his personality so many times that he couldnt even be himself anymore. when i changed back to who i was i wanted him to be who he was . but he couldnt, probably fear that i would get angry and mad at him for anything. all he ever did was try to make me laugh or smile.

 

we started getting in to fights and arguements. most were started by me. i just wanted him to be the old him so bad that i complained all the time. i also had insecurities that he was going to leave me for someone else, just like i did to him. but he never did. i dont think he ever would have. our fights got physical, several times.

 

it happend 30 plus times. i ended up charging him and put our relationship on hold. i didnt delete my facebook pictures of us or anything. i recieved his messages through text of him asking to drop the charges. i ignored him, i didnt talk to him for a week and a half. i didnt keep him from his kids either. i just didnt want to see him.

 

it was a wednesday morning n i was up n getting ready for work. it was 6 in the morning. and i hear a bang on the door. it was the police. and my mom was with them. i was so scared i didnt know what happend. my mom burst out crying when she saw me then they told me that my boyfriend killed himself.

 

i was so shocked the pain i screamed so loud that i passed out. i woke up with medics checking me because when i fell and hit my head. i started screaming because i remeberd what happend , i couldnt believe this happend,i couldnt breathe and it was all my fault, if i would have been better if i would have treated him better if i would have swolled my pride and been just been bigger and better for him. but i ****ed up so bad. the only thing stopping me from taking my own life is my kids.

my bf shot him self in the heart with a 22 rifle and around him they found hundreds of cumpled up notes and drawings of us and our kids. i know that this is karma for the way i have been in the past, this suffering that i have to go through for the rest of my life. someone who i realized i wanted to be with forever and now hes gone.

 

i dont know why im sharing this, i know i am the evil person and everythings my fault and nothings ever going to be ok again. i destroyed a perfect human being. i just hurt so bad inside and now i know how he felt. god im so sorry:(

[d0nnivain]

I am so very sorry for the pain of your loss. Suicide is terrible.

 

You are not an evil person. You are flawed just like the rest of us.

 

You did not kill him. He made that choice. He could have reached out for help. He could have gotten therapy. He didn't have to die but you still didn't take his life.

 

There are support groups out there for people who lost a loved one to suicide. In light of current events, they should be easier to find. I learned about one called Walk Out of the Darkness when my EX killed himself.

 

This is going to haunt you for a while. You have accept that. But you also have to think of your child / his child. As messed up as you feel, his child really doesn't understand why daddy did this. You have a responsibility to help your kid. Suck it up. Make sure your child gets the proper professional support during this incredibly difficult time. Make sure your other child also feels supported & loved through this.

 

Hang in there & lean on your mom through this trying time.

[Beachead]

so came on here just to cry and type, i havent slept , it feels like i have a brain tumor thats how bad my

head aches. i have lost almost 30 pounds, i have 2 kids, one with him , and one with another guy. he aswell , one with another woman n one with me. we were together for 7 years, in the beggining he was the greatest guy in the world. he treated me so well and did everything for me. i remember he would leave work on his 15 minute break and drive accross town just to come see me. we got along so good and our relationship was amazing.

 

around year 3 i made some really bad choices and i left him for another man. it crushed him.it had nothing to do with anything that he did, he was perfect, i was not. i became cold and cruel and said everything mean to him a person possible could. why , i dont know why, at the time. i guess i feel like i wanted him to hate me so that i didnt have to fill guilty about my feelings for someone else.

 

6 months later i got back with my bf.i changed , i didnt click with him anymore, i didnt get his jokes, and everything he did annoyed me or angered me. he tried hard and hard and i kept rejecting him, i didnt laugh anymore and i didnt feel like i was even attracted to him. after being with someone else and going backwards, i felt like i was really not moving forward in life and i was blaming him for it. when all he ever did was love me .

 

i stayed with him and i wasnt nice to him for a long time. when i found out i was pregnant, i changed, i changed back to the old me. i looked in the mirror and realized the monster i had become , and i dont even know what happend. i dont know how things got so bad, to the point where id rather be with a stranger than my amazing man.

 

at this point he had changed. he was broken. i broke him. i rejected his personality so many times that he couldnt even be himself anymore. when i changed back to who i was i wanted him to be who he was . but he couldnt, probably fear that i would get angry and mad at him for anything. all he ever did was try to make me laugh or smile.

 

we started getting in to fights and arguements. most were started by me. i just wanted him to be the old him so bad that i complained all the time. i also had insecurities that he was going to leave me for someone else, just like i did to him. but he never did. i dont think he ever would have. our fights got physical, several times.

 

it happend 30 plus times. i ended up charging him and put our relationship on hold. i didnt delete my facebook pictures of us or anything. i recieved his messages through text of him asking to drop the charges. i ignored him, i didnt talk to him for a week and a half. i didnt keep him from his kids either. i just didnt want to see him.

 

it was a wednesday morning n i was up n getting ready for work. it was 6 in the morning. and i hear a bang on the door. it was the police. and my mom was with them. i was so scared i didnt know what happend. my mom burst out crying when she saw me then they told me that my boyfriend killed himself.

 

i was so shocked the pain i screamed so loud that i passed out. i woke up with medics checking me because when i fell and hit my head. i started screaming because i remeberd what happend , i couldnt believe this happend,i couldnt breathe and it was all my fault, if i would have been better if i would have treated him better if i would have swolled my pride and been just been bigger and better for him. but i ****ed up so bad. the only thing stopping me from taking my own life is my kids.

my bf shot him self in the heart with a 22 rifle and around him they found hundreds of cumpled up notes and drawings of us and our kids. i know that this is karma for the way i have been in the past, this suffering that i have to go through for the rest of my life. someone who i realized i wanted to be with forever and now hes gone.

 

i dont know why im sharing this, i know i am the evil person and everythings my fault and nothings ever going to be ok again. i destroyed a perfect human being. i just hurt so bad inside and now i know how he felt. god im so sorry:(

 

That was heavy. I know no words of mine will comfort the pain you feel in your heart but I know that someone being there in such times can help.

 

This isn't your fault and I'll tell you why.

 

We're all battling demons. We all say and do things we don't mean. We think tomorrow is promised. We get caught up in the crap that is in life while simply trying to find our way. We have hopes and dreams that don't work out. We give up a little bit of our individuality each day for a little acceptance, belonging, comfort. We forget the little things in pursuit of happiness we think is elsewhere when really it might actually be where we're standing. We're all lost but we try our best. Everyday is a fight. Everyday we wake up, we must remind ourself we are brave to take on this life because it's f*cking hard. Anyone who makes it seem like they got it all figured out is lying to you. It's human. Nobody's fault. It's just what happened. This may very well be with you for the rest of your life OP..not going to sugarcoat it but, as dark as this time in your life may feel, there is still a silver lining on the cloud. It got you to look inwards and reflect tremendously. Emotionally impactful, trying times like this can make or break us in extreme ways. Find strength to take from this and become a great person. Awareness is so powerful. Coming on Loveshack to share is a great step in moving forward and I truly am thankful you did.

 

I urge you to get yourself a notebook and journal out your daily thoughts during this time. See what comes out onto paper and keep it for future reference. During moments like this, our senses are dialed up a 1000 notches and we are able to see things in ways we would not otherwise see when we become complacement, comfortable and unconscious in everyday life. The thoughts and feelings you are dealing with right now will really matter in the future.

 

Hang in there.

 

Let us know how you're doing and hope to hear from you soon.

 

- Beach

Edited June 10, 2018 by Beachead

[Only-yours]

so came on here just to cry and type, i havent slept , it feels like i have a brain tumor thats how bad my

head aches. i have lost almost 30 pounds, i have 2 kids, one with him , and one with another guy. he aswell , one with another woman n one with me. we were together for 7 years, in the beggining he was the greatest guy in the world. he treated me so well and did everything for me. i remember he would leave work on his 15 minute break and drive accross town just to come see me. we got along so good and our relationship was amazing.

 

around year 3 i made some really bad choices and i left him for another man. it crushed him.it had nothing to do with anything that he did, he was perfect, i was not. i became cold and cruel and said everything mean to him a person possible could. why , i dont know why, at the time. i guess i feel like i wanted him to hate me so that i didnt have to fill guilty about my feelings for someone else.

 

6 months later i got back with my bf.i changed , i didnt click with him anymore, i didnt get his jokes, and everything he did annoyed me or angered me. he tried hard and hard and i kept rejecting him, i didnt laugh anymore and i didnt feel like i was even attracted to him. after being with someone else and going backwards, i felt like i was really not moving forward in life and i was blaming him for it. when all he ever did was love me .

 

i stayed with him and i wasnt nice to him for a long time. when i found out i was pregnant, i changed, i changed back to the old me. i looked in the mirror and realized the monster i had become , and i dont even know what happend. i dont know how things got so bad, to the point where id rather be with a stranger than my amazing man.

 

at this point he had changed. he was broken. i broke him. i rejected his personality so many times that he couldnt even be himself anymore. when i changed back to who i was i wanted him to be who he was . but he couldnt, probably fear that i would get angry and mad at him for anything. all he ever did was try to make me laugh or smile.

 

we started getting in to fights and arguements. most were started by me. i just wanted him to be the old him so bad that i complained all the time. i also had insecurities that he was going to leave me for someone else, just like i did to him. but he never did. i dont think he ever would have. our fights got physical, several times.

 

it happend 30 plus times. i ended up charging him and put our relationship on hold. i didnt delete my facebook pictures of us or anything. i recieved his messages through text of him asking to drop the charges. i ignored him, i didnt talk to him for a week and a half. i didnt keep him from his kids either. i just didnt want to see him.

 

it was a wednesday morning n i was up n getting ready for work. it was 6 in the morning. and i hear a bang on the door. it was the police. and my mom was with them. i was so scared i didnt know what happend. my mom burst out crying when she saw me then they told me that my boyfriend killed himself.

 

i was so shocked the pain i screamed so loud that i passed out. i woke up with medics checking me because when i fell and hit my head. i started screaming because i remeberd what happend , i couldnt believe this happend,i couldnt breathe and it was all my fault, if i would have been better if i would have treated him better if i would have swolled my pride and been just been bigger and better for him. but i ****ed up so bad. the only thing stopping me from taking my own life is my kids.

my bf shot him self in the heart with a 22 rifle and around him they found hundreds of cumpled up notes and drawings of us and our kids. i know that this is karma for the way i have been in the past, this suffering that i have to go through for the rest of my life. someone who i realized i wanted to be with forever and now hes gone.

 

i dont know why im sharing this, i know i am the evil person and everythings my fault and nothings ever going to be ok again. i destroyed a perfect human being. i just hurt so bad inside and now i know how he felt. god im so sorry:(

 

 

Feeling really sad after reading all this. I have deep condolence for his family.