Kizzyfur Posted June 10, 2018 Share Posted June 10, 2018 Why be the other woman when you can have a fair relationship with a polyamorous couple? Polyamory is as diverse as the people involved. I'm not talking about religion based polygamy here. Though polygamy is a form of polyamory, it is only a small part. Many poly couple's are looking for women (and even men) to join their family. Some date separately, while others want a triad. Some are looking for live-in "spouses" (though it is illegal in the states to formally marry more than one person, many will have informal "marriages") where others are satisfied dating someone outside the home. The difference between being with a polyamorous man and being with a cheater, you don't ever have to worry about being caught by the wife and losing your man. his wife will already know and be perfectly fine with it. Link to post Share on other sites
somanymistakes Posted June 10, 2018 Share Posted June 10, 2018 While I agree that poly is an option, it's not relevant to a lot of people in affairs. Most OWs do not go out looking for a relationship with a married man. They get sucked into one by accident, by growing too close to someone who is already married. Sparks fly, secrets are exchanged, someone pushes for a kiss, and things snowball. They didn't intend for it to happen (though sometimes the other party was very intentionally trying to seduce them). These OWs generally wouldn't want to be in a poly scenario because they don't actually WANT to be in the complicated situation with the wife and all. They are usually hoping that someday they and the MM can be together monogamously. The other kind is the woman who is actively looking for an affair because she wants fun on the side without the overhead of a full relationship. So again, poly is probably not what she's into. She doesn't want to deal with all the details of his wife and family and household, she just wants fancy dinners, nice hotels, and awesome sex. Where I suggest poly is to people who are thinking about cheating because of a lack of sex in their current relationship. If your partner won't sleep with you, you should at least suggest the option of both of you having other partners rather than deciding "well, I'll just have an affair!" 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kizzyfur Posted June 10, 2018 Author Share Posted June 10, 2018 I totally understand that. I was once the other woman. So I get it. As far as women (or men) just wanting to date without the hassle of their BFs/GFs family, there are poly Dynamics like that. As I'd stated, there are as many different Dynamics to poly as the people involved. I actually wish I'd known about polyamory years before I found out. I felt that monogamy wasn't quite enough for me but that it was the way things were. I wasn't aware that there were others who felt the same way other than cheaters. Now I know different and was simply posting as an awareness to others. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted June 10, 2018 Share Posted June 10, 2018 Back in reproductive times, for myself, no way. Not a problem now though. Poly, cuck, swap, whatever. No kids around or contemplated everyone's a consenting adult. I've seen the gamut with MW's. However, most marriages I've been around are pretty territorial. Some have looser boundaries than others. Still, sex seems to be strong boundary, at least for guys with their wives. Don't know about the other way since I don't swing that way. As another version, I know a MW where lesbian sex is OK (with H) but hetero is not. She apparently doesn't have strong lesbian tendencies but did dabble and decided no. So, for bi-sexual spouses, more poly options may be available. Link to post Share on other sites
Prudence V Posted June 12, 2018 Share Posted June 12, 2018 Polyamory may help balance out the power issues in an EMR. If the OW has several (or, more than one) lovers of her own, it puts her on an equal footing with the MM who by definition has at least two (BW and OW). I recall reading a historic thread here where an OW had more than one MM at the same time and that seemed like a good balance to me. I don’t recall if all of the MM knew about each other or not. Link to post Share on other sites
DrReplyInRhymes Posted June 13, 2018 Share Posted June 13, 2018 Polyamory takes more trust and bonding than a normal relationship I dare say, For you need to be able to trust your partner(s) when they talk of rolls in the hay, Arguably more complex because of a multitude of people involved and all, Even a simple lie about partners and acts can cause the whole thing to fall. Link to post Share on other sites
central Posted June 13, 2018 Share Posted June 13, 2018 There are FAR more people cheating than there are poly-oriented people engaged in ethically non-monogamous relationships. So, unless poly becomes much more common and accepted, this idea really isn't an answer. Also, while that married man/woman may be open to poly, the wife/husband may not want to share, so it's easier to cheat than persuade them to change. Still, many women could find a poly couple, and while it seems that most poly couples are seeking women - they are only interested in bi women. A smaller percentage would be fine seeking their own, separate poly partners - not nearly enough to pose even a hypothetical solution. And most unicorn-centric triads don't really treat the "other" woman as a full, equal partner. Too often, couple privilege taints the relationship. Anyway, it's great for the small number of people who can make this work, but cheating is here to stay, probably forever. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
guest569 Posted June 13, 2018 Share Posted June 13, 2018 Surely poly is far more complex than monogamy ... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted June 13, 2018 Share Posted June 13, 2018 For people used to and who enjoy casual sex it's pretty much a legal partnership and home base with one, sex with many. Poly can be one more form of 'love', love for spouse, love for child, love for family, love for friends, love for pets, etc. etc. People 'love' differently. Some people 'love' sex, not the person they have sex with, rather the whole sex thing itself. The other person is a facilitator. I ran into the emotional poly schism a lot with MW's who 'loved' me but gosh no it's nothing like the bond they have with their spouse/children/pets/home life, etc. They liked feeling good in the moment but that's all it is to them, a moment. Or so they say. Never found one anguished over disconnecting when they were done. Like a hole in the water and gone. For folks who process sex that way, pretty much the same. More STD risks though. Stay safe out there. Link to post Share on other sites
Overtaxed Posted June 14, 2018 Share Posted June 14, 2018 Some people 'love' sex, not the person they have sex with, rather the whole sex thing itself. The other person is a facilitator. LOL, I had to laugh at this. You basically just described me, and most every other man I know. Sex is not love for me, it never was and probably never will be. Love is the things that happen outside the bedroom, it's the sacrifices you make for one another, the life plans you build and the way you support one another. Shockingly, my wife is the one who couples love and sex, and she's also the one who had a completely sex fueled PA. So, what do I know. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts