2 months of strict no contact after months of limbo after break up

[Tristate1234]

Hey guys,

It's my first post here, and it will probably be a long one since it has been a complicated situation before the no contact, so bear with me lol

 

So me and my ex broke up in late November/early December last year, we dated for about 3 months, she's a senior in college and I'm 2 years older than her. The reasons being a combination of me being too egotistical and said a lot of things that I thought was joking but ended up hurting her feelings/making her feel insecure, and her being in a place in life where she's stressed out and unstable. So she broke up with me through a phone call, that she told me she doesn't me we will work long term and we should be friends, she thinks if we try to work it out we'll just end up arguing and hating each other and she doesn't want that because she really enjoys spending time with me. It turned into an hour long conversation and by the end we agree to being friends now, and if things work out after her graduation, maybe we'll give it a shot, but there's no guarantee.

 

I became really depressed during the month of December, we remained on talking terms. I reached out to her a few times and she did, too. I asked her to sit down and talk during break and she agreed to it. We met up in early January, the meeting actually has gone even better than I could expected. We were able to open up to each other about our lives/feelings, and I was able to tell her what went wrong and what I did wrong. She was caught off guard because I was so different from what I used to be, she was moved and almost cried. It turned into a really romantic night, and by the end of the night she invited me to stay with her. Although she said we were not back together, but tonight has gone so well she didn't want it to end. We ended up spending the night together, it was really intimate.

 

For the next 2 weeks I was feeling really good, and we were still talking to each other (I probably reached out much too often than I should). After 2 weeks, I sent her a text asking her what's up and that I miss her. She gave me a rant about how she only misses me as a friend, that she feels the message is loaded and there's something more than it actually is. That we're only friends and she doesn't want to lead me on or be unfair to me in any way, keeping to what she needed to do has been good for her. By the end she said she's confused, too and offered to call me in 2 days so we can figure it out (didn't call after).

 

So I went into no contact from that point on to give her some space, and she started reaching out to me after a week, mostly through social media and texts, responding to my posts and stuff to start small talk/conversation. I kept them short and not engaging too much. And it's been the case for a few weeks, one day as I ended the conversation she told me about the issues she has been going through, so I offered to talk if she needs to. Eventually we got on the phone and we talked about an hour, updated each other with our lives, she told me about the issues in her life, and by the end we set on a date/time to meet up and catch up.

 

We ended up going to a concert together, we had fun and there are some positives (we were at a good place, we were joking with each other while being touchy at times, she told some of her family members about me, etc), but at one point she mentioned that I appreciate her "friendship" when we were joking, and overall there was a wishy washy vibe, including when we said goodbye she said hopefully we'll see each other soon but who knows because of blah blah blah.

 

I honestly wasn't sure how to even feel about this meeting so I went into no contact again, and she wouldn't stop reaching out to me the way she has been doing before. It got to a point I was ignoring most of her messages and she even texted me once asking to me respond to her previous message. At this point it's gotten a little too much for me because of this lingering process of uncertainty. So one day I told her I wasn't ignoring her but I've been dealing with some anxiety in life and I didn't really want to talk to people. She started asking me if I'm okay, though after me repeatedly telling her I'm okay I just need to focus on myself and she needs to focus on school and stuff. She offered to be here for me because I was there for here when things were tough. So I ended up laying it all out to her, that I don't think I can just be friends with her, it's too emotional for me. That I don't resent her, in fact I still admire and adore her but this is just not good for me.

 

She replied a very long message to me, saying that she appreciate my honesty with her, but she cared about me a lot, too. She doesn't know what to do, that she struggles being together with someone without being friends previously. If I need to distance myself from her, she understands but doesn't like it. That she admire and adore me, as well. And I should reach out to her if I ever need someone to talk to or simply just want to catch up. That she would love to have me in her life if that ever works out for me. And she's always cheering and rooting for me. I told her it's just time for me to be honest with her so I can be authentic to both her and me. And I don't have to pretend about my feelings anymore. Maybe we can talk about it after our lives calm down, but who knows.

 

From that point on I went into strict no contact, and I even stopped checking out her stories on social media most of the time. She still have been checking out my stories on social media. Tbh it was difficult for me to lose touch with a person that I still care about, especially during times like her graduation when it's challenging for me to not be curious about how she's doing, but I was starting to get used to not having this person in my life. However starting at one point last month, she started liking my posts on instagram again after stopping at first, and last week she's been liking a few of my posts on Facebook. I know these are probably just insignificant breadcrumbs, but they more or less are becoming occasional reminders of our past.

 

What do you guys think? Anything I should do at this point? I really appreciate all the advice and suggestions!

[ExpatInItaly]

I don't see anything significant here, in terms of her having a change of heart.

 

She is young and social media is likely just another social outlet for her. She likes some things, checks on you now and again, but hasn't otherwise indicated she wants to talk. My guess is she's curious about what you're up to and hopes the waters have calmed between you two. I doubt it means much beyond that, to be honest.

[ItIsNotMe]

She already knows that you want to be with her. If she did want it too, she would reciprocate with the same.

[d0nnivain]

I think you two have a vocabulary problem.

 

She says wants to be "friends first" before getting into a relationship. She is misusing the word friends. She's trying to say that she needs to date somebody for a while to really get to know each other before committing to a relationship. Problem is her actions don't match her words. If someone wants to go slow they don't share a bed with the other person.

 

I think it's all about her being terrified of getting hurt so she's putting wrong labels on things & giving mixed messages. She likes the physical aspects but gets all mixed up about the feelings they stir up in you.

 

You are a fairly intense guy here . . .chasing her, being emotional & having these long talks, then pulling all the way back when she doesn't agree to date you. You aren't using NC to heal yourself. You are misusing it to try to manipulate her into missing you & coming back.

 

If you want to save this, assuming that is even possible, talk to her. Explain that you understand that she's scared & wants to go slow. Agree to slow which means 1-2 calls per week; 2-3 short texts & a single date with no sleep overs per week. Limit what you reveal to the other on social media. She needs to see consistency but you need to stay out of her bed until she is ready to commit. You can't handle sex without commitment & she can't give you commitment because she's scared.

 

If you are unwilling to date her then just end this because you two aren't on the same page. It's also very difficult to go from sleep overs to no sex.

[OngoingThoughts]

It is crazy how much your story sounds like mine... I am in exactly the same boat right now.

 

I decided to just see her 1-2 times a week but we do keep contact daily over text. I am not sure if this is the best way, but I don't want us to lose contact when there is still chance it might work out. I like it when she texts me and I know she enjoys the contact with me as well. She told me she just needs time and that pressing the matter of reconciliation only makes her stressed out and turn away because she is confused. When we talked and decided we will see where it goes without pressing it she said she was much more relaxed.

 

I spend the night at her place as well, but I know sex is important to her to feel connected. It was like that in our relationship as well. I know I might hurt myself with it in the end if she says no, but I want her to feel the connection to me and know I am changing and working on myself as well. Which I show her every time we see each other (we do not always spend the night together though).

 

I know how hard it is, but I am just trying to give her space and do my own thing in the meantime and focus on myself. I know my feelings for her won't change the coming months so wether or not I'd be in contact with her, I would not date anyone else. So I might as well be patient and see where this goes.

 

Hope this helps!

Edited June 11, 2018 by OngoingThoughts

[cooldude123]

Wow so much of it rhymes of what happened in my 6 year relationship where we divorced. Look at the email excerpt sent by my ex after divorce i posted in a different thread -

 

After divorce she attempts to send me this -

Tried to contact me by whatsapp and cell.. number is blocked.. so she sends me an below email

 

I tried to reach you through whatsapp and also through your cell but i am unable to reach you. Looks like may be you have blocked me. Thats fine, i understand. you have all right to block me but I just wanted to know what is good way to reach you and inform after my health insurance gets changee as it may take sometime. Please let me know.

 

Also, wanted to let you know that I have no hard feelings for u and i am always ur wellwisher. I would be happy to know how u r doing and would be happy to keep in touch. But i would not disturb u if u dont want to hear from me.

 

I am sorry if I have hurt u knowingly or unknowingly but i never wished ur bad.

 

Take care

 

I responded -- Email is best to inform me regarding healthcare

 

 

She sends response - ok thanks

 

After about 20 min another email pops up from her -

 

I am not in your life anymore and i know it was my decision but if u ever feel you want to talk to me or have any anything in mind u want to share or ask me whether its ur anger or anything. I will always be there.

 

Wish u all the happiness and success in life

 

Take care

 

 

She even attempted to have a casual conversation with me and below is the exchange -

 

Ex:I had some question regarding insurance. Can u please call me? Thank you

 

Me: please send me the Q by email.

 

Ex: I wont distrub your peace, casually wanted to speak and ask some insurance question

 

Me: Its better we communicate through email going forward.. send ne your question here please

 

Ex: You may remove me from your health insurance.

 

I feel stirct NO Contact and going Dark is the best here. In fact I am even moving ON. there is no point waiting multiple years to still end up with the same mixed feelings by your ex. They simply cant make a decision by letting go off past and the uncomfy situations they were in. Until they realize what they want in life, you should maintain darkness.