ruby31 Posted June 11, 2018 Share Posted June 11, 2018 (edited) hello everyone, I'm feeling so empty, I admit to it that this is my fault. See, my husband and i have come a very long way for the better over that past years ( thank god), but with that came my hunger for control, it started with negative influence from his friends and family then flowed to his behavior. I guess by my trying to control everything I thought I could protect us from potential outside temptation or influences ( some we're real others were my fear delusions). To break it down my husbands brother comes a couple weeks a year to visit my husband and his family. I dread this time because our relationship tends to fall apart due to his brothers activities which causes my husband to be negatively influenced. I was recently planning a trip for my husbands birthday in which he knew of when his brother contacted him asking him if we could join him on a vacation with him and this girl he's interested in for the same time. My husband brought it up and I snapped, I look back now and wish I didn't lose control. I was upset I mentioned my husband always takes influence from other people and never listens to me (it feels like that alot) and I cut the convo off by saying I'm going to bed. As the night went on it was onr childish thing after another, it's so dumb but he asked me to turn off the bed room light in which I said no because he was closer this turned into a twenty minute argument which ended in him saying I don't love him because I didn't turn it off and him sleeping in the living room and i saying he could easily do it cause he was closer and he's lazy because he helps me with literally nothing in the home expect taking out the garbage (we both work full-time jobs). It was an exhausting night to say the least. As I thought about the argument it dawned on me he seeks love with acts of service, I apologized to him an hour later the argument in which he told me to go away. I don't know if this a vent session or not, im sorry, but I just would like to know if anyone has any advice on giving up control and how should I deal with the brother issue. thank you Edited June 11, 2018 by ruby31 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted June 11, 2018 Share Posted June 11, 2018 First sincerely apologize to your husband for the fight. Make him his favorite dinner & offer up "dessert', especially a particular act / position that isn't your favorite. A day or two later talk to your husband about your fears concerning his brother & what your husband's vision of the vacation will look like. When he paints some idyllic picture say you wish it could be like that but ask him to remember something bad that happened the last couple of times. Ask about ways to prevent that or defuse it. Ask why he thinks he gets so swayed by other's influence. Also think about what you can do so you don't get so upset around the BIL. You also have to look at what your husband is being swayed to do. If your BIL is encouraging infidelity, of course you don't have to accept it. If your BIL gets your husband to go shopping & spend too much money that is not the worst thing ever as long as you have the mortgage covered. I could get past hubby drinking too much once in a while with the boys but not being encouraged to flirt with another woman. So there are degrees to this. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted June 11, 2018 Share Posted June 11, 2018 If the only way that you can hold onto someone is by controlling every little thing to do... then, you never really had them in the first place. If he stays with you it should be because he wants to be there.... and I ask you, how much fun do you think you are to live with? Do you inspire him to stay and be happy with this controlling behavior? It is hard to say because we only know what you have written... But, I can imagine that this behavior has less to do with your husband or your relationship, and more to do with your own insecurity, anxiety, and fear. What makes you afraid? Has he been unfaithful? Do you fear that he will leave? Because, your behavior may be leading him to do the very thing that you fear the most.... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ruby31 Posted June 11, 2018 Author Share Posted June 11, 2018 hi Baileyb, I understand what your saying. some things are because of his actions others because my verbal and physical abuse from my father as a child and also being molested during my child hood (I've never been able to say this it's been hard accepting it) I'm finally trying to accept it wasn't my fault as it happened from when i was around 4-8. I've gained alot of abandonment issuses because of this. subconsciously I guess taking control is me trying to protect what I have so I don't lose him, I feel like I can't control myself at times. I guess the problem lies with me. Link to post Share on other sites
SunnyWeather Posted June 11, 2018 Share Posted June 11, 2018 To break it down my husbands brother comes a couple weeks a year to visit my husband and his family. I dread this time because our relationship tends to fall apart due to his brothers activities which causes my husband to be negatively influenced. what activities and how is he negatively influenced? Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted June 11, 2018 Share Posted June 11, 2018 hello everyone, I'm feeling so empty, I admit to it that this is my fault. See, my husband and i have come a very long way for the better over that past years ( thank god), but with that came my hunger for control, it started with negative influence from his friends and family then flowed to his behavior. I guess by my trying to control everything I thought I could protect us from potential outside temptation or influences ( some we're real others were my fear delusions). To break it down my husbands brother comes a couple weeks a year to visit my husband and his family. I dread this time because our relationship tends to fall apart due to his brothers activities which causes my husband to be negatively influenced. I was recently planning a trip for my husbands birthday in which he knew of when his brother contacted him asking him if we could join him on a vacation with him and this girl he's interested in for the same time. My husband brought it up and I snapped, I look back now and wish I didn't lose control. I was upset I mentioned my husband always takes influence from other people and never listens to me (it feels like that alot) and I cut the convo off by saying I'm going to bed. As the night went on it was onr childish thing after another, it's so dumb but he asked me to turn off the bed room light in which I said no because he was closer this turned into a twenty minute argument which ended in him saying I don't love him because I didn't turn it off and him sleeping in the living room and i saying he could easily do it cause he was closer and he's lazy because he helps me with literally nothing in the home expect taking out the garbage (we both work full-time jobs). It was an exhausting night to say the least. As I thought about the argument it dawned on me he seeks love with acts of service, I apologized to him an hour later the argument in which he told me to go away. I don't know if this a vent session or not, im sorry, but I just would like to know if anyone has any advice on giving up control and how should I deal with the brother issue. thank you Do you realise how much you're infantilizing your husband? Throughout your post, you talk about how he's always influenced by other people. You also mention that he doesn't listen to you. It's like you perceive your husband as incapable of making his own decisions. Thing is, when he does the stuff you don't like with his brother, he's doing it because he WANTS to do it. To drop your attempts to control him, first accept that you can't (and shouldn't) control him. Accept that he is a man making his own decisions. Perhaps be grateful that it only happens a couple of times per year. I'm not at all religious, but the Serenity Prayer makes a lot of sense and is perfect in your situation: God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ruby31 Posted June 11, 2018 Author Share Posted June 11, 2018 what activities and how is he negatively influenced? things out of the normal like not coming home till.the next day, excessive drinking, and keeping bad female company his brother is like a playboy. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ruby31 Posted June 11, 2018 Author Share Posted June 11, 2018 Do you realise how much you're infantilizing your husband? Throughout your post, you talk about how he's always influenced by other people. You also mention that he doesn't listen to you. It's like you perceive your husband as incapable of making his own decisions. Thing is, when he does the stuff you don't like with his brother, he's doing it because he WANTS to do it. To drop your attempts to control him, first accept that you can't (and shouldn't) control him. Accept that he is a man making his own decisions. Perhaps be grateful that it only happens a couple of times per year. I'm not at all religious, but the Serenity Prayer makes a lot of sense and is perfect in your situation: God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference. Thankyou for your comment, I know i am mothering him aren't I? but do I just submit? why is it so hard for me to accept? I hate this about myself. Link to post Share on other sites
SunnyWeather Posted June 11, 2018 Share Posted June 11, 2018 things out of the normal like not coming home till.the next day, excessive drinking, and keeping bad female company his brother is like a playboy. that would bother me too. perhaps the way you're framing this is part of the problem. It's not that he's being 'influenced' he's choosing to do things that harm your marriage. how about you go out with (single) girl friends and not come home all night and see how he feels about that? make it a vegas girls weekend just kidding (sort of not...) if this bothers you and he won't listen to you when you express your dissatisfaction, then you have a problem. this isn't about 'control' this is about him behaving like he's single when his brother is in town. I wouldn't want to spend my vacay with him either. another possible solution is to go out with them when he's in town, but I doubt that will fly with them. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SunnyWeather Posted June 11, 2018 Share Posted June 11, 2018 and I don't understand how this is 'all your fault'. it sounds like your husband is doing things that are not in tune with your values. that's a problem that you two need to come to an understanding of or it will continue to drag you down. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted June 12, 2018 Share Posted June 12, 2018 things out of the normal like not coming home till.the next day, excessive drinking, and keeping bad female company his brother is like a playboy. Yep, pretty crappy decisions on your husband's part. I understand your concerns. Thing is, it would seem that your husband is determined to do this behaviour with no regard to how you feel. He sounds very stubborn about the issue. Is your marriage good in general? Are there other ways you could cope more easily? For example, I've been known to spend the night away with my family when my husband will be out till all hours. I find I worry less if I'm not aware whether or not he's come home yet. And I second the idea of getting away with girlfriends for a night or two in Vegas or by the beach if you can. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted June 12, 2018 Share Posted June 12, 2018 things out of the normal like not coming home till.the next day, excessive drinking, and keeping bad female company his brother is like a playboy. Hi Ruby, First things first. I'm really sorry, I didn't know you had a history of child abuse. It makes more sense, why you would feel anxious and be controlling. Have you had counselling at some point in your life to deal with this anxiety? Is your husband a good guy? Does he treat you well and is your marriage generally a happy marriage? Does this kind of behavior happen primarily when his brother is in town? I now understand your concern, I would be very unhappy if my partner was staying out all night, drinking with his friends, and keeping the company of other women. That's not exactly responsible or considerate behavior. Has your husband shown consideration for your feelings? Does he change his behavior when you express your concern? I just wonder, if it's possible that you have found a man who behaves in a way that triggers your anxiey and fear of abandonment in much the same way your father has in the past? Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted June 12, 2018 Share Posted June 12, 2018 things out of the normal like not coming home till.the next day, excessive drinking, and keeping bad female company his brother is like a playboy. Unless your husband is literally kidnapped and forced at gunpoint to participate, I wonder why you blame his brother? As an adult, it's pretty easy to just say "no" to the kind of playboy activities a married man shouldn't be a part of. Your anger seems misdirected... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
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