Wife having emotional affair

[BaileyB]

 

Is their a difference between an emotional affair and a physical one with regard to the effects on the relationship? Is one worse than the other? Is one more forgivable than the other?

 

I imagine that depends on the individual person. What one may see as "just sex," another may feel is the ultimate betrayal.

 

Similarly, while one may see an emotional affair as "a friendship" and be thankful that it's not physical, another may find the emotional connection more threatening to the marriage than anything else...

 

I think the more important question is, what does it mean to you?

[carhill]

As an outsider, IMO the most damaging component is the long-term apparent emotional/spiritual focus, involvement and connection. This wasn't some random fling or infatuation.

 

From that aspect I can certainly see the impetus for a scorched earth approach. That option is always available. Your lawyer will be happy to enrich themselves with that option. Fortunately, outlining it, and other options, during a consultation is generally free. Sounds like you want to do that first so get it done. Lawyers always have an hour free here and there. They'll fit you in. Then move on to next steps.

[bathtub-row]

I think you should confront the guy, tell him what a mess he has made of your marriage. That should cool things off between them.

[BluesPower]

I was able to check out some of the posts by Owl, and has been somewhat helpful, so thanks for the link. I have been struggling to find things to read on it, and the internet is full of a lot of trash. Its sad too that so many people stray and damage their partners.

 

Here’s a question i am wondering:

 

Is their a difference between an emotional affair and a physical one with regard to the effects on the relationship? Is one worse than the other? Is one more forgivable than the other?

 

At its base... they are the same. But that is really in theory.

 

For almost everyone, a physical affair is far worse.

 

What you have to realize is this: If you don't want to poly her to get to the truth, then just file for divorce.

 

Think about it, you know she is lying, EVERY cheater, almost to a man or woman, is going to lie to try and minimize damage. It is stupid of course, but they do.

 

Further, your wife is a hotty or she would not be dancing at that level. So do you think that two adults that are hot for each other, that have the opportunity are NOT going to sleep with each other? Really?

 

You have to realize that they almost certainly have been sleeping together for a while.

 

Further, why would you want a woman back that has done that to you? Because you love her, because you have kids???? There are better women out there, lots of them.

 

No man, unless you are going to deal with this head on, and you are willing to be strong and not weak, unless you are willing to lose your marriage if SHE does not step up to the plate and help you heal from her betrayal, then just file.

 

There is a way to handle this stuff and sometime, SOMETIMES, you can work it out, but that way is from a position of strength and not weakness.

 

Is any of this sinking in?????

[salparadise]

I think you should confront the guy, tell him what a mess he has made of your marriage. That should cool things off between them.

 

^Whaaaaat? I can't believe you're telling him to do THAT. The OM doesn't care about how he feels, not one little bit. If it hadn't been him it would've been someone else, because it's HER need to keep a backdoor man that's the problem. She's the one who took vows, not the other man.

 

From a practical perspective, there's way too much potential for OP to end up in the hospital, jail, or a cemetery. What would be the best outcome? OM says he's sorry? Nope.

[BaileyB]

I think you should confront the guy, tell him what a mess he has made of your marriage. That should cool things off between them.

 

Indeed. It certainly would... although, the root of your problem remains your wayward wife and her lack of respect for you and your marriage.

[fredflint]

I think you should confront the guy, tell him what a mess he has made of your marriage. That should cool things off between them.

 

Confrontation is rarely helpful, and potentially very risky. Not infrequently, people get crazy in divorce situations. That action will also alienate her. Many people will agree with you, but I tend to say if someone is having an affair, let them get on with it, but start the process of imposing the consequences (i.e. divorce, losing you, losing the kids, losing the house etc.)

[carhill]

On the confrontation thing, the OM is old enough to know women lie so all the BS she shared about her H is likely half-true at best, and he's likely stable enough to not go sideways in a male on male confrontation. Women often forget that men kill each other every day for no reason other than someone tells us to kill someone. We're wired that way. That's why they program young guys into being killers for the state. Young guys are also the most prone to going sideways in matters of love and war and death all being fair.

 

Confrontation is always a risk but usually older guys can get through it without violence. If they can, it's pretty eye-opening to get the whole scoop on the MW's lies. Life-changing. Learning how to accept and manage that reality can even build a more real and authentic marriage. See her, and love her, for who she really is, good, bad and ugly. All depends on the couple.

 

OP, do you feel that lying and cheating rule your wife? Do you see/have you seen signs of that in other aspects of your marriage? Is she sneaky and lie about even little things which don't really matter? Etc. etc. Or, is this lie a shock from an otherwise loyal and trustworthy spouse?

[tokentowely]

Got out of appt w lawyer. Not very uplifting, but none of this is. The lawyer said from what they see, very few people are able to move past the A, whether physical or emotional. It may delay the divorce for a few years, but few good long-term outcomes....That’s also what i would expect a lawyer to say....He also highly recommended against asking her to take a polygraph, saying it would likely make things worse and the poly conclusions are not all that accurate.

[carhill]

OK, cool, lawyer done, got your legal stuff clarified, I hope. What's next?

 

I'll recommend setting up a consult with a clinical psychologist conversant in treating marriages affected by infidelity. That's a specialty. It takes a pro to separate out the BS and keep things balanced. Are you up for that? I've done it, from the other side, so know how challenging it is. Are you committed to this marriage and want it to continue? Up to you. You'll never be able to control your wife, nor she you. Everything is voluntary. Choices. What do you choose today?

[BluesPower]

Got out of appt w lawyer. Not very uplifting, but none of this is. The lawyer said from what they see, very few people are able to move past the A, whether physical or emotional. It may delay the divorce for a few years, but few good long-term outcomes....That’s also what i would expect a lawyer to say....He also highly recommended against asking her to take a polygraph, saying it would likely make things worse and the poly conclusions are not all that accurate.

 

Well yes and no... if you want to divorce, who cares.

 

If you thought there really was a good chance for reconciliation, it would be worth is to know the truth.

 

Lots of lawyers say that BTW, because the cannot be used in court. That is how they think.

 

But unless the person is a sociopath, or a CIA operative, then they are fairly accurate. Not perfect though.

 

In your case, because of her not stopping contact without you making her, that says:

 

1) The affair was physical

2) She lied so she could keep it going

3) She has zero respect for you, your child, or your marriage...

[Doorstopper]

I went through this 3 years ago. my wife had an 8 month EA. In my case, they never met.

 

This has nothing to due with you, even if there were some marital issues and you were not always around. You are 50% responsible for your marriage but she is 100% responsible for choosing to do what she did.

 

You have been a little cryptic about whether they met or not. Was he a dance partner, she saw weekly? As mentioned earlier, If they met, then it was, in all likelihood, physical as well.

 

Your wife will be in an "affair fog" for sometime after D-day. She will lie, and she may contact the OM. This is honestly the crappiest part, and one of the hardest parts for you to get over, if you reconcile.

 

It will take 2 to 5 years to recover from this. Recovery may be quicker, if you divorce, but that's not a given. Divorce removes your wife but not your feelings about what happened. And since you have a daughter, continued contact with your wife or Ex will still occur.

 

A proper reconciliation requires your spouse to be remorseful. Right now, she is sorry....But she is sorry that she was caught. This is not remorse. Remorse involves your wife understanding the pain she has caused, being truly sorry for that pain, and taking steps to make you feel "safe" (that this will not happen again) and comfortable in your relationship. It is different for everyone.

 

What should you do? First, have your wife make you a detailed, written timeline of the relationship. Explain that this is the one chance for her to be completely honest about what happened and how the relationship progressed. You can use this to verify her truthfulness. It might be worth bring up a polygraph, at this point to gauge her response.

 

Location check her phone. Google activity logs have location tracking. Facebook location tracks and I'm sure Apple does as well. You can use this to put together your own timeline, to see if there were opportunities for a Physical affair (such as a stop at a park after dance class).

 

Check and ask about other apps that they may have use to communicate. A simple game can be used to conduct an affair. My wife used the chat features of Dice with Buddies.

 

If you suspect continued contact, Place a VAR (voice activated recorder) in her car.

 

The goal of all this is to determine if your wife is honest or continues to lie. The choice to divorce or reconcile, is up to you. I won't give any suggestions about that; But for your own mental health, if you reconcile, you need to know the "complete story".

 

Good Luck

Edited June 12, 2018 by Doorstopper

[tokentowely]

I dread the physical part being true, and i know it is very much a possibility. I dont want my marraige to end, but i can not live with and accept not being able to trust my partner....she is despirately repentant and appoligetic and i am hearing none of it because i dont believe a word she says....If there is a way to save my marriage and there was nothing physical and things change drastically between us, i would be willing to try, but the trust would not cone easy for a ling time. I am trying to realize this new person (my wife) who is in front of me now....this is not someone i have ever known. It feels like 10 years of work down the drain, and being left older, uglier and broken.

 

We have a counceling session set up on friday with a therapist we have both seen many times and respect greatly. My wife lied to her as well (about potential A) during our previous sessions and she denied seeing any other men in any way, and that alcohol was not part of her dance scene. I dont look forward to that, but i do. Friday actually can not come fast enough.

[BluesPower]

I dread the physical part being true, and i know it is very much a possibility. I dont want my marraige to end, but i can not live with and accept not being able to trust my partner....she is despirately repentant and appoligetic and i am hearing none of it because i dont believe a word she says....If there is a way to save my marriage and there was nothing physical and things change drastically between us, i would be willing to try, but the trust would not cone easy for a ling time. I am trying to realize this new person (my wife) who is in front of me now....this is not someone i have ever known. It feels like 10 years of work down the drain, and being left older, uglier and broken.

 

We have a counceling session set up on friday with a therapist we have both seen many times and respect greatly. My wife lied to her as well (about potential A) during our previous sessions and she denied seeing any other men in any way, and that alcohol was not part of her dance scene. I dont look forward to that, but i do. Friday actually can not come fast enough.

 

How do you propose to find out for sure? Do you expect her to admit to it?

 

Because she is not going to I don't think. And honestly man, it is about a 100% chance that they have been sleeping together.

 

So what is the decision, and why go to counseling?

 

1) You cannot handle it if it was physical.

2) You don't want to poly her.

3) You know you cannot trust her.

4) You know she is a liar.

5) Do you see any problems with this list?????

[carhill]

Are you up for another five to ten years of rebuilding? If you read Owl's posts, you'd see the thread of foundation and time winding through them. A solid foundation is paramount and it takes time. A lot of time. Effort. Love. Transparency. Some people can do it. Others can't. It's not right or wrong rather a personal marital choice to continue or not. Only you and your spouse can make that choice.

 

Since things have ramped up from typical marital issues, you may want to consider changing your therapist for a specialist. It'll be evident at your next session in how they handle your spouse lying in therapy. Also in how they progress and end the session. How they make positive progress out of hurtful choices like lying. Discuss the concept of trickle truth. Don't accuse. Seek clarity.

[bathtub-row]

If she’s really desperately repentant and sorry, then if I were you, I wouldn’t go through with a divorce. While you’re certainly entitled to feel the way you do with good reason, perhaps you can both agree to go to counseling and let some time pass. In 2 or 3 yrs from now, you could feel that your marriage is even stronger because you got through this.

[tokentowely]

Another thing i did today was find a company that could find the texts she deleted, though it is crazy expensive with no guarantees...i asked her to bring it in to them and she did. She doesnt want to pay for it though, so i will likely pay it (a grand!) just for some kind of peice of mind, or for absolutely nothing.

[Try]

she wanted to remain friends with him and continue dancing with him. I insisted she end everything right away, which she reluctantly did.

The fact that after what she had been doing with her ex she actually "wanted to remain friends with him and continue dancing with him" tells you how little respect she has for you, and how little remorse she feels about it.

 

You were already concerned with her dance group because of how sexually they dance with her, but you decided to trust her. Now that she has shown you that she is not worthy of that trust, she needs to not only go full 100% no contact with the ex, but also go full no-contact with the dance group that he is a part of. The dance group as it stand gives any man interested in pursuing her, an easy platform to do so. This should be non-negotiable. This is a logical consequence for her actions, that is a whole lot less consequence to her than a divorce would be. Not only should she do this, but she should be grateful that she even has such a non-divorce option.

[Chaparral]

A polygraph would be a lot cheaper. You cAn also get apps like

Drfone.

If it did go physical, it a likely bet that your sex life with her changed. Did it get worse, better?

[Chaparral]

If she has google maps on her phone look at the history of where she has been.

[BettyDraper]

Did I miss somewhere...where somebody told him his wife is lying to him about everything?

 

Dude, it has been physical for the whole time, you know that right?

 

And then she did not want to stop dancing with him?

 

You believed this crap?

 

She has been sleeping with him since she met the guy basically.

 

You need to file for divorce and have some balls please...

 

This. OP, you wife is giving you the "trickle truth". She's only being honest about some of her actions with her AP.

[tokentowely]

I must say i hope you are wrong about that stuff. It is possible, but seems unlikely hopefully. Certainly it is possible to flirt without dropping the drawers...I dont blame your responses, as i have provided few details, but there is no doubt that something was happening, she has admitted that much. It was at least an emotional affair, maybe more. I feel i at least owe myself, my daughter and my marriage to not make any rash decisions if i can help it. If we stay together, we can never go back to the way things were, my mind will not allow me to do so.

[BluesPower]

I must say i hope you are wrong about that stuff. It is possible, but seems unlikely hopefully. Certainly it is possible to flirt without dropping the drawers...I dont blame your responses, as i have provided few details, but there is no doubt that something was happening, she has admitted that much. It was at least an emotional affair, maybe more. I feel i at least owe myself, my daughter and my marriage to not make any rash decisions if i can help it. If we stay together, we can never go back to the way things were, my mind will not allow me to do so.

 

And yet you TOLD HER... to take her phone into the company.

 

What is it that makes you think she won't make a side deal or reset her phone before she takes it.

 

I mean honestly, why are you doing these things. Is your brain that muddled from the shock that you cannot think clearly.

 

Listen, you need to prepare yourself that they were sleeping together, for a while. If you really want to know, then schedule a poly and be done with it.

 

I don't want to hurt your feelings but if you want to reconcile, then you are being stupid about everything.

 

If you are going to divorce, the you are also being stupid because none of this matters, just file for divorce.

[Marc878]

A lot of betrayed spouse hide from the truth because they don't want to have to make a decision.

 

I think you are putting yourself in limbo

[tokentowely]

She knew him before we met through the dance scene, had a secret crush but nothing ever happened because he was dating one of her good friends at the time. I dont know when the re-met again years later, but they started texting at the first part of january. At first about dancing, then gradually warmer. They wouldnt talk for a few weeks, a month, then a flurry of texts. She maybe mentioned him in passing once, and never again, though she mentions her other dance partners with regularity.

 

She has never come across as promiscuos. Never married before. Her sex drive died shortly after marraige, so for her to suddenly start going out for it, doesnt seem like her MO? Then again ive learned something new about her...