april96 Posted June 12, 2018 Share Posted June 12, 2018 (edited) I've been best friends with a girl for ten years and I've always been supportive to her. So there is this friend of hers who seemed interested in me and whom I also really liked. As I knew my best friend was really attached to him I told her immediatly when I initiated a conversation with this guy. She sometimes said that he would be great for a relationship but had repeatedly said that she wanted someone more extraverted and she had been interested in other guys over the 2 years she knew him. At the beggining she seemed really supportive and made jokes about me liking him. As im shy and have no experience I told her it was friendly. Time passed and when I told her we had been talking everyday for two months she completely switched her behaviour. She said to me that this would test our friendship and that if I did something with him it would be a betrayal. I was shocked and tried to end the conversation with him, but he kept on texting and I understood I had feelings for him. I talked to my friend and told her that if she had feelings for him she should tell him, but she said that she would not ruin her friendship but if he ever made a move she would be interested. She kept saying that she would prefer him to be with someone else but not me because we are best friends. I was really sad and promised her to not text him if he didnt start a conversation again (at the time our conversation had ended). A month passed and I was thinking about him but kept my promise. But he texted me one day and we went out and we both told we liked each other. I had told my friend that I would try to be friends with him but I really like him so I lied to her. I think he, without knowing any of this, has told her that we are dating and she doesn't talk to me anymore. I miss her and feel guilty. I would like to tell this guy but Im afraid I will expose her to him. What do I do? I still love my best friend but I also really like this guy and I feel fake towards him. I feel very depressed and guilty and cannot concentrate on anything. Edited June 13, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Paragraphs, merge threads, delete duplicate Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted June 12, 2018 Share Posted June 12, 2018 If you dare tell this guy that she liked him and that's why she's acting weird, she will never speak to you again, and that will be the unforgivable betrayal. This is exactly why you can't go after your friends' love interests, because at some point you spill their beans and humiliate them with the guy OR you spill the beans and then you find out they're pleasantly surprised to find out she liked him more than as a friend and then he starts trying to be with both of you. You used your "shyness" as why you lied to her. You just lied to her for your own benefit. There's no excuse. She has every right to go after him if she wants to, whether you like it or not, now. Link to post Share on other sites
Author april96 Posted June 12, 2018 Author Share Posted June 12, 2018 thanks a lot for your answer, I really appreciate it! The thing is that I would like her to tell him how she feels as I don't want anyone's feelings to be oppressed. The thing is that, she doesn't want to make a move towards him and still doesn't allow me to have feelings for him. Another point is that while she knew him she was interested in other guys about which she told me and sought advice. I have always supported her with all her love interests and now that something makes me really happy she doesn't even want to talk to me. As I had suspected she might like him I told her right away that we were talking and she acted supportive while she thought that way inside. That is what bothers me mostly. Link to post Share on other sites
Mentor99 Posted June 12, 2018 Share Posted June 12, 2018 How old are you OP? It's hard to say where your best friend's fear stems from. Is she interested romantically in the guy and is afraid of losing him to you? Or is she afraid that if you and he become a couple, the friendship with you and her will suffer? Have you two been single for most of your friendship? From her perspective it might feel like a loss of both friendships PLUS the possibility of a romantic relationship with him in the future. That's a lot to deal with. But it is real life.. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted June 12, 2018 Share Posted June 12, 2018 huge red flag in your post: Where she said she's his friend, and not interested, but would respond if he showed interest, and then blows hot and cold when he shows interest in you. THEN stops being your friend because he's chosen you. that is not what a friend does. While she may not like the idea that he's seeing you instead of her, she had the opportunity to ask him out and refused to do so, saying she wanted to be pursued. That tells me that it's about game-playing, and her behavior just reinforces my opinion. from the tone of your post, I am guessing you are young (under 20-something) and haven't had this particular friendship tested before because you've always been loyal. Sad to admit, but sometimes you lose people in your life because they refuse to take the high road and choose to act selfishly. And this is what your friend is doing. I say date the guy and see what develops, and in the meantime, even though you are missing your friend, don't let her behavior eat away at you, because a true friend will not play these kinds of headgames with you! Link to post Share on other sites
Author april96 Posted June 12, 2018 Author Share Posted June 12, 2018 We're both 20 years old and never had a boyfriend. I should say that I haven't had any physical contact with this guy. The thing is that I have very strong feelings for him and we have very deep discussions, we haven't said anything sexual and its been like that for 6 months. Its very platonic and I have never felt like this about anyone. Im trying to understand my friends perspective because she had said many times in the past that she was not attracted to him and when I asked if she liked him, that was when she said this bothered her, she said that she didnt know and that because he is shy she had put him in the friend category. I know that its wrong that i didnt tell her from the start how I felt about him and tried to see him as a friend while a knew I was falling for him. It just seems that she doesnt have that strong feelings for him as she doesnt want to make amove and has been intersted in other guys. I cannot understand what she is really thinking. Link to post Share on other sites
Author april96 Posted June 12, 2018 Author Share Posted June 12, 2018 Thanks a lot for your advice, it makes me feel much better! We are both 20 and never had a boyfriend. I haven't had any physical contact whith this guy and its all very platonic. The thing is that I have very strong emotions for him and we have had very deep discussions for about 5 months. I haven't felt like this about anyone before. But at the same time I dont want to hurt my best friend whom I still really love and appreciate. I will still try to reach to her and explain how I feel and show her that I really care about her. Again thanks a lot for your insight! Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted June 12, 2018 Share Posted June 12, 2018 ah ... that explains a lot. I think when you've not faced that situation before, it makes things doubly hard to deal with, but I guarantee, just let enough time pass ~ but still be your loving self of a friend ~ and it works out. as for your guy, enjoy your chats with him! Those kinds of relationships are hard to come by, and are meant to be treasured <3 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted June 12, 2018 Share Posted June 12, 2018 Seems to me that he hasn't made a move with either of you. There could be a reason that isn't going to go away or a reason that you making the move will fix. Sounds to me now that you are in the same boat she was in before with him. If a guy likes you AND is ready and mature enough for a relationship, he will make a physical move, because that is mostly what males are about. He could find his testosterone tomorrow and make a run at your girlfriend. Link to post Share on other sites
DrReplyInRhymes Posted June 13, 2018 Share Posted June 13, 2018 I'm not sure what to tell you, maybe you're more mature than others, But there's a small code between guy friends, don't date the woman of your brothers, I'm not sure how it goes with women, but it seems she wants him on HER terms, If she isn't interested in him and you are, prepare for the friendship to be burned. Link to post Share on other sites
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