Jealousy/insecurity in a relationship. Help!

[Leeloulove]

I have an amazing boyfriend, we've been together for a little over 2 years now and it has been amazing. We have had our ups and our downs, nobody's perfet, but all in all our relationship is solid and every day I tell myself how lucky I am to have this man... I almost feel 'too' lucky, because the thing is I have low self-esteem and I have been hurt in the past so I have trust issues.

 

It is unfair that he be the one to pay for my exes' mistakes, but my scars haven't healed and too often I doubt him, his intentions, his love, etc... when deep down I know this guy is the most caring and loving human being there is. So from time to time I will have little 'insecurity crisis' for the dumbest little things/reasons and he will take it like a champ': he'll reassure me, love me, hug me, buy me flowers or whatnot until I feel better and until he knows for sur that I have no doubts left for the time being. But another crisis is always around the corner, I have about one or two of these a week :/

 

He'll even let me go through his phone or messenger if I feel the need to. He is so sweet and patient and I always end up feeling guilty for having had these doubts in the first place, but sometimes my insecurities just get the better of me and even if I try to fight it it feels overwhelming. my heart starts to pound and I want to cry and then the ****show starts...

 

So now that you have a general idea of how unfairly doubtful and maybe even cruel I can be with this amazing man who deserves my trust at all times, there is a specific story I would like to have your opinion on. This just happened yesterday night. I have a friend who is so beautiful, kind, sweet, funny, smart, well-read,... you get the picture, and who knows how amazing she is and likes to flaunt it. She has talked to me many times about her need to know she has an effect on men, and even sometimes on her women friends. She likes to flirt, though she has a boyfriend and never will act on it. And my boyfriend being the handsome and amazing guy that she is, I know she likes him a lot and yesterday she went a little too far... She came in drenched because she got caught by the rain by surprise on her way to our place, and when I gave her a shirt to change and get dry she purposely took off hers in front of my boyfriend, even though I had just shown her where the bathroom wa.

 

My boyfriend didn't really pay attention as he was on his phone and usually doesn't have eyes for anyone but me, so when she noticed he wasn't looking her way she sat in the chair next to him while closing the buttons of the shirt I had just lent her saying something along the lines of 'I'm a little bit of an exhibitionnist, don't mind me. I might even take my bra off !' My boyfriend took a quick glance, later explaining to me that it was just because he wanted to check if she really had dared to go 'that far'... he was shocked.

 

All three of us then had diner but she didn't let me talk, she kept interrupting, making jokes when I got into any serious subject, giving my boyfriend nudges when he made jokes, talking about what books she had just read and how she started having a passion for culture at an early age,... my boyfriend seemed to be very impressed, later telling me how great she was, 'sweet, smart, beautiful...' I felt like I didn't exist. At one point, she said she loved joking about how the jewish value money, to which I responded something like 'Actually I love their values, which to me are family first and tradition !' There was an awkward silence.

 

My boyfriend then said I had just sort of ruined the moment, that he and my friend were laughing and kidding around and he asked me why I was being so serious all of a sudden. I felt like I was bothering them, keeping them from having a great time.

 

Then at the end of the night she proposed we play 'Never have I ever'. By that point we had drank three bottles of wine, my boyfriend and my friend both seemed to be in the same playful/cheerful mood. So we played 'Never have I ever', and all her questions were so sexual and so were her answers... Like, graphically sexual, as in saying how she loves role play, masturbating in front of a mirror, dirty talk, taking it from behind, etc etc...

 

I could tell she was trying to excite my boyfriend, she was insistant. One of her questions was even : "Would you guys be down for a threesome". Wtf ? I couldn't wait for her to leave. By that point I was steaming with jalousy and anger. Keep in mind this is the third time she has seen my boyfriend, and she kept saying : "I love you guys, you two are so amazing I can't wait to do this again !" When she left, I broke down and told my boyfriend how I had felt all night long.

 

He was so kind but also told me that yes, this girl is out of all of my friends probably the one he prefers, that she is genuinely nice and very interesting, and listing all of her qualities. I felt like **** in comparison to her, he used the adjective 'radiant' to talk about her, and kept repeating what an amazing night he had just spent... I wanted to disappear. Today I feel slightly over it because, as always, we have talked about it and he was so reassuring and kind and loving, and this morning he got me breakfast, he tried to make me laugh, he sent me cute texts when he left the appartment...

 

He's too amazing for me to stay 'insecure' for too long, but still I'm so afraid he's going to start thinking more and more about this girl now... I feel like she is the sun and I am the moon, I feel like she was a breath of fresh air to him, like she is everything I am not : spontaneous, carefree, bubbly, sexy, flirtatious...

 

I know this girl loves to flirt all the time, and boy is she good at it, so I'm not angry at her because that is her nature and she didn't want to do anything to hurt me, but I'm scared this night has 'planted' some bad seeds in my boyfriend's mind. He's even told me he would love to see her again but since the aftermath was so sour (i.e my jalousy crisis when she left), he won't accept drinks with her and I anymore so that this sort of situation doesn't happen again. But now I feel like the 'vilain' in the story, keeping my boyfriend and my friend, who clearly truly enjoy each other's company, from hanging out with each other again, being the jalous/annoying/insecure/overly attached girlfriend which is in complete contrast with how lovely my friend is/was last night,... basically I'm not doing too good.

 

To top it all of, I recieved a message from my friend this morning saying how great our diner was, that she can't wait to have another diner like this one, and that our game of 'Never have I ever' excited her and that when she got home she asked her man about having a threesome/foursome someday...

 

I don't know what to make of this, I showed my boyfriend the message and he just laughed it off but I'm afraid he'll get ideas now... After she left yesterday I couldn't even have sex with my boyfriend because with all that had just happened and how charming/seductive my friend had been, I was afraid he would think of her while having sex... Don't know if I should feel threatened or trust that her 'amazingness' and beauty and insistance won't work on my boyfriend...?

Edited June 16, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Remove bold, add paragraphs, move to CFJ

[openheart3]

Well, the way I see it there were definitely some boundaries crossed. If you felt uncomfortable with your friend's suggestive nature, your boyfriend should definitely respect that and perhaps you guys need to stay away from this "friend" for a while.

 

Insecurities or not, I think most people would feel taken aback by her behavior or wary of it at least. Unless, it was someone who was into the possibility of a threesome/foursome of course, but clearly you are not and that's okay.

 

On a side note, have you ever considered working on those insecurities? I used to lack some self-confidence and be slightly insecure but I started reading some great books, including "The Year of Yes" by Shonda Rhymes and "You are a Badass" By Jenn Sincero. They really helped me see my own inner and outer beauty and worth.

[d0nnivain]

so I'm not angry at her because that is her nature and she didn't want to do anything to hurt me, but I'm scared this night has 'planted' some bad seeds in my boyfriend's mind.

 

Then you are a fool. Your BF is not the problem here. Your insecurities are not the problem here. Her ridiculous behavior is the problem.

 

The minute she took off her shirt in your living room in front of your BF a man she has met 3 times, the evening should have been over. She had no boundaries. I would have called her out right then & there: What the hell are you doing? Are you some kind of exhibitionist? Have a little class. Go get changed in the other room!

Meanwhile you need to get into therapy for your issues. Having a meltdown 2-3 per week is crazy. Your BF is a saint for putting up with that. It would drive most people away in a heartbeat.

[smackie9]

She's insecure too! She needs to be reassured that she's all that by flirting and being incessantly sexual in front of men and your BF. She needs attention, to feel good about herself. She's a mess. I agree with d0nnivain, you needed to grow a set and spoke out/shamed her, when she was whipping her shirt off in front of your BF. I would have asked her to leave.

 

 

 

Don't talk to your BF, talk to her. Tell her, that her need for attention has gone way too far, and her behavior the other night was so inappropriate. Then proceed to end the friendship. Yes that's right, end it. Then when your BF starts in on you and your insecurities, you then stand up to him and make a point that her behavior was inappropriate beyond belief and has nothing to do with your insecurities..any one's GF would have lost it. Tell him he was damn lucky you didn't cause a scene.

 

 

 

I agree you need therapy. You are an adult and you haven't got a handle on your behavior..you have issues that need to be addressed by a professional...get help.

[RideTheLightening]

At one point, she said she loved joking about how the jewish value money, to which I responded something like 'Actually I love their values, which to me are family first and tradition !' There was an awkward silence.

 

If you are Jewish... then she took a clear swipe at you. This is not the type of girl you should be friends with. Cut her out of your life and the problem will go away.

 

In regards to being jealous. It comes from being insecure. I had that for a while when I was younger. However, I enjoy being single WAY too much, so I never worry if a woman cheats on me. When it happens she gets the boot and I find a replacement that's better. Don't let fear rule your actions... because it will eventually destroy your relationships.

[Lorenza]

Wow, you really need to reconsider ending this friendship. Of course your boyfriend had an amazing night having an attractive woman acting suggestively in front of him. Most men aren't going to stop this kind of behavior or feel bad about it. This situation is a legitimate reason to go through establishing some boundaries.

 

On the other hand, having a "jealousy crisis" 2-3 a week is going to destroy your relationship sooner or later. Can you give some other, smaller examples of things that make you feel jealous?

[MountainGirl111]

Your exhibitionist friend is the more insecure person here. She clearly crossed boundaries she shouldn't have. I'd be saying so long to that 'friend'.

 

I know women who are not happy unless they are actively seducing a man, whether they are single, divorced, married, partnered . It's sick and they need help.

[Lotsgoingon]

You don't know what to make of this?

 

Excuse me!? ... Your friend tries to seduce your bf in front of you ... and for hours at a time ... in multiple ways ... and she's rude to you and interrupts your talk at a dinner? ...

 

Doe she need to pull out a bat and chase you away before you know what to do?

 

Fire her! Immediately.

 

She has betrayed you ... Nothing to do with flirting or sex. She's a betrayer ... There are lots of sexy, flirtatious people who don't behave as she behaved.

 

If your esteem is that low that you won't take a stand against someone who is deliberately trying to disrupt your relationship, then definitely consider therapy--like immediately.

 

Here's the double-whammy ... if you don't take a stand against this woman, guarantee you ... bf will lose respect for you ... ultimately he'll either cheat of you ... (why not if you're gonna react as passively as you did against your friend?) ... or he's gonna dump you.

 

Why? Because people want partners who "have their back." The only way to have someone's back is to have a measure of courage to stand up for herself and for the relationship against hostile forces.

 

Imagine you and bf one day have children and a teacher is mistreating your child, are you gonna stay silent then? ... What if a family member not looking for a job wants to move in with you? Or a family member with a drug problem wants to move in? ... Someone from your side of the family? Are you gonna be able to say no? ... Or what if bf is in the hospital and he needs immediate help .. .but then what if the doctors and nurses don't appear ... How can bf be sure that you are gonna have the guts to confront someone?

 

If you can't stand up to your destructive friend, how are you gonna be counted on to stand up in these other situations?

 

Oh no, you got to take a stand ... BTW: the loss of respect from bf will happen so fast and on such a primitive level that he might not be aware of it right away. But trust me: his primitive brain is thinking right now, "I can get away with anything with this woman. She won't stand up against anything."

[DrReplyInRhymes]

It's certainly not her fault her friend is such a tease,

However, her boyfriend could have done more to appease,

In this situation, I would have grabbed my girlfriend to kiss,

Made it very obvious even a naked woman wouldn't cause me to diss.

 

Ok, I may have tried to see if my girlfriend was into her,

Test the possibility of having both women call me sir,

However, I still think that the boyfriend could have shown devotion,

Instead of complimenting her and doing so with lustful emotion.

[ElKay]

Wow, I would have been pissed as all hell! While I agree with the other posters that getting so many jealousy fits per week is going to be detrimental to your relationship, this specific incident was definitely out of line. Would your boyfriend have been perfectly fine if one of his friends was doing a little strip show and hinting at a threesome with you? Probably not.

It's wrong and you should definitely keep a distance from her until she learns her place (which is not in your relationship).

[FMW]

Your "friend" is no friend. I had a "friend" just like that and I always gave her a pass on her need to have every man want her, even if it was my man, because she was bi-polar. But even that is no excuse for that behavior. Lotsgoingon is exactly right, her actions were a betrayal to your friendship. I finally woke up and decided it wasn't my responsibility to let her keep xxxxing on me and just taking it just because she had issues.

 

I also am not thrilled with your boyfriend telling you how great he thought she was when it should have been clear that the situation was greatly distressing to you. That would definitely trigger my insecurity.

 

You do need to work on your self-esteem and insecurities, I agree with others. But that doesn't mean you let other people get by with xxxx. And yes, this was some xxxx.