Are we more than friends?

[Kara97]

I met this girl at a summer job last year and we clicked. We started going out with mutual friends and got close.

We'd play fight, sit on each other's laps. We hold hands when we're alone or crossing the street. We call each other baby, hun, love etc. When we're out in a group, she gives me the most attention. But sometimes it got a little strange. We'd have intense eye contact and I've caught her staring at my lips on several occasions.

One day she told me "I think I've a crush on you. Is it weird?" She had a boyfriend at the time (we're both girls) so I laughed it off. Another time she said "I'm falling for you."

 

She used to invite me over to her house while her parents slept. We would smoke and cuddle in her bed, then she'd sneak me out by morning. One day before I was about to leave, she kissed my forehead and said she loves me. Then she leaned in and kissed the tip of my nose and giggled.

Then one day her mom walked in on her cuddling into me on her bed. Her mother called her disgusting and hit her infront of me. (No not exaggerating)

 

She travelled back for college and calls me everyday and we speak for hours at night. She always tells me she misses me and my cuddles, and how much she adores and loves me.

Sometimes she sends me "sexy" photos/videos revealing her body. And once when we video called she was only wearing a bra and sweats.

Then we argued because her boyfriend (who she has a rocky relationship with) thinks I'm a bad influence on her, to which I said that I'll be away from her. She kept calling and left me a message* "If you leave me my life will be screwed up. You're so special to me, you're my entire world. We cannot be apart I can't live without you".

When we'd fight she'd say she's addicted to me and can't control herself around me.

She told me she feels her bf is cheating on her and she doesn't feel the same way she used to. And then she broke up with him.

A few days later she told me she had a dream where we were fighting and then I kissed her lips. She said it felt good. I avoided that subject but she brings it up sometimes to joke about it.

She said she wants to travel with me abroad to a new college and move in together. And so we did.

Initially I supported her financially But we've been fighting a lot. She would bite me really hard or slap me and I would get traumatic flashbacks from the abuse I faced. And I would drink a lot. and we decided she should move out.

She's also been going around and talking badly behind my back to boys especially, saying I was gay and tried to sexually abuse her.

Anyway in the end she decided to end our friendship saying we weren't good for each other. She also slipped "I was in love with you" then proceeded to say "as a friend. "

 

Why is she doing this? Please advice me to see things from her perspective.

[preraph]

Well, she just sounds messed up, that's all. She played with you like you were her little dolly, and then it sounds like she used you to move to that place and you supported her. Now you're seeing her bad side. She's just messed up, and she is toxic to you. She is chaotic. She came from that abusive family and instead of rebelling against it, she became like her mother in that regard.

 

She's right about one thing: you're not good for each other. You need to just get her out of your life and find someone more healthy mentally to love. Good luck.

[maxi105]

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT][FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3]Hi there Kara, I havent read this all in full reply or post, butive read enough to agree with pre-raph and say get out of this thing.[/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT][FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT][FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3]You are not really friends, you’ve known her for whatsoundsl like a short time and she has shown you her real self in the nasty andmanipulative things she is doing and has said. I also suspect that she is usingthe fact that you are shy to manipulate and treat you in a way that she know’sshe couldn’t dare to with people around her that are stronger than you.[/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT][FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3]Im all for talking to people to sort (try and sort thingsout) but this sort of person is toxic and isn’t really going to listen orchange any time soon.[/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT][FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3]Get out of this cycle and find some new folks to hang outwith, even if that doesn’t happen in a while, you are better off alone thanwith this sort of parasite. I use that word really honestly as I think fromwhat you’ve said that is exactly what she is. She is feeding off your emotionsand sensitive personality and I suspect good nature to boost her ego, to keepyou in debt to her power over you, to keep her in stories to gossip about, totry to mislead you or trick you into something that isn’t good or healthy. If youare gay its none of her business an d you don’t need people in your life likethis, if you are not gay then again why is she dogging your character in thisway and you don’t need someone like this in your life. Other people’s sexualityis no ones business unless they are happy to discuss it or are both interestedand are consenting and happy for things to go further.[/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT][FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT][FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3]I don’t think this girl is really gay, I think she justlikes the drama and attention saying that she is or implying that she is asmaybe she thinks you might be or is looking for a weakness to trash you withother folks….that’s not any sort of friendship worth being a part of whateveryour true self.[/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT][FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT][FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3]No one , not even other gay people [/sIZE][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][sIZE=3]or straight people should really have an AUTOMATIC[/sIZE][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][sIZE=3]right to knowing about something that isso private!!! [/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT][FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3]That sort of thing is a private thing and if someone is tryingto get someones sexuality out of them to bully them or just[/sIZE][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][sIZE=3]because they are nosey or like to gossip, itsnot mature and it says a lot about the sorts of ignorance and thoughtlessnessthat people attribute (often by steryotypes to other peoples lives) eg. Its likesaying all Mexicans or all women or all men over 35 (its all rubbish) becauseno body knows all of anything even if they know hundreds of people…everyoneshould be allowed to be individual and be treated with resepect as a nindividual (and particularly in a friendship) which involves trust and beignfree enough and happy enough to let your guard down and tell others thingswithout fear or feeling ashamed.[/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT][FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3]This kind of post is a shame because it just shows stilltoday how other peoples attitudes, immaturity, selfishness and spite can affectother people just because they have a nasty hidden agenda.[/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT][FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3]No….get rid of this person, this is not the sort of thingany real friend does to another…nor is the kind of thing that should be let tocarry on with those around us we partially know or are strangers.[/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT][FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT][FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3]You have every right to a personal life and you need to seethis as a red flag to avoid similar things happening like this with otherpeople. There is something clearly in her personality that either see’s you andenjoys seeing you as a victim or someone to humiliate and mock, or she issomehow jelous of you in some way and has low esteem herself but needs tocreate drama to be seen for more than she is. Sad really,, but some people arethat way.[/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT][FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3]Move on, before she really does damage your confidence orreputation!!!![/sIZE][/FONT]

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[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT][FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3]Very best wishes, be strong and if you need to confide inpeople off line or online privately or with family or friends or a phone helpline then do that if things get difficult or you want to talk deeper aboutthings.[/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT][FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT][FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3]Take care and don’t give this person the chance to damageyou any further…with any luck she will move on and find people as childish andselfish and vain as she is and with any luck she will make freindships with themand they will turn round and give her a taste of her own poisonous medicine!!!![/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT][FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3]Ok, im running low on time. But best wishes, maxi.[/sIZE][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][sIZE=3]I’ll have a proper read of your post tomorrowand if I need to add anything [/sIZE][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][sIZE=3]that I thinkmight help I will then. See ya and good luck with this. ps, ive had a quick read at the last bit of your post and I am wondering whether there are any health issues with this girl? im not dissing anyone with health problems as I don't know this girl or too much about the whole vista of complex health issues around some milder than others the list is endless and we are all so close to health issues in so many different ways, but what I am saying is could they be behind her behaviours, if so draw back your friendship in a way that will not give her more fuel to hurt you or embarrass her if she does have issues, at this time you are better off away from her. ok, must scoot. maxi[/sIZE][/FONT]

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[preraph]

Hi there Kara, I havent read this all in full reply or post, butive read enough to agree with pre-raph and say get out of this thing. You are not really friends, you’ve known her for whatsoundsl like a short time and she has shown you her real self in the nasty andmanipulative things she is doing and has said. I also suspect that she is usingthe fact that you are shy to manipulate and treat you in a way that she know’sshe couldn’t dare to with people around her that are stronger than you. Im all for talking to people to sort (try and sort thingsout) but this sort of person is toxic and isn’t really going to listen orchange any time soon. Get out of this cycle and find some new folks to hang outwith, even if that doesn’t happen in a while, you are better off alone than with this sort of parasite. I use that word really honestly as I think from what you’ve said that is exactly what she is. She is feeding off your emotions and sensitive personality and I suspect good nature to boost her ego, to keep you in debt to her power over you, to keep her in stories to gossip about, to try to mislead you or trick you into something that isn’t good or healthy. If you are gay its none of her business an d you don’t need people in your life like this, if you are not gay then again why is she dogging your character in this way and you don’t need someone like this in your life. Other people’s sexuality is no ones business unless they are happy to discuss it or are both interested and are consenting and happy for things to go further.

 

I don’t think this girl is really gay, I think she just likes the drama and attention saying that she is or implying that she is as maybe she thinks you might be or is looking for a weakness to trash you with other folks….that’s not any sort of friendship worth being a part of what ever your true self.

No one , not even other gay people or straight people should really have an right to knowing about something that is so private!!! That sort of thing is a private thing and if someone is tryingto get someones sexuality out of them to bully them or just because they are nosey or like to gossip, its not mature and it says a lot about the sorts of ignorance and thoughtlessness that people attribute (often by steryotypes to other peoples lives) eg. Its like saying all Mexicans or all women or all men over 35 (its all rubbish) because nobody knows all of anything even if they know hundreds of people…everyone should be allowed to be individual and be treated with respect as an individual (and particularly in a friendship) which involves trust and being free enough and happy enough to let your guard down and tell others things without fear or feeling ashamed.

 

This kind of post is a shame because it just shows still today how other peoples attitudes, immaturity, selfishness and spite can affect other people just because they have a nasty hidden agenda.

 

No….get rid of this person, this is not the sort of thing any real friend does to

another…nor is the kind of thing that should be let to carry on with those around us we partially know or are strangers. You have every right to a personal life and you need to see this as a red flag to avoid similar things happening like this with other people. There is something clearly in her personality that either see’s you and enjoys seeing you as a victim or someone to humiliate and mock, or she is somehow jealous of you in some way and has low esteem herself but needs to create drama to be seen for more than she is. Sad really, but some people are that way.

 

Move on, before she really does damage your confidence or reputation!!!!

 

Very best wishes, be strong and if you need to confide in people off line or online privately or with family or friends or a phone helpline then do that if things get difficult or you want to talk deeper about things. Take care and don’t give this person the chance to damage you any further…with any luck she will move on and find people as childish and selfish and vain as she is and with any luck she will make freindships with them and they will turn round and give her a taste of her own poisonous medicine!!!! Ok, im running low on time. But best wishes, maxi. I’ll have a proper read of your post tomorrow and if I need to add anything that I think might help I will then. See ya and good luck with this. ps, ive had a quick read at the last bit of your post and I am wondering whether there are any health issues with this girl? im not dissing anyone with health problems as I don't know this girl or too much about the whole vista of complex health issues around some milder than others the list is endless and we are all so close to health issues in so many different ways, but what I am saying is could they be behind her behaviours, if so draw back your friendship in a way that will not give her more fuel to hurt you or embarrass her if she does have issues, at this time you are better off away from her. ok, must scoot. maxi

 

 

Cleaned that up so you can read it. Hope no one minds.

[maxi105]

THANKS A MILLION PRE-RAPH!!!!! I REALLY APPRECIATE THAT . apologies for the poor format in my post - some of the computers ive been on seem to have a problem pasting stuff and I just didn't get the time to correct it.

 

so thank you for putting in the time.

 

 

its stuff like that gesture right there that lets you see and still believe there are thoughtful, kind and good people out there, whatever else is going around in the small world or the bigger picture.

 

 

im really touched, so sincere thanks again. I hope kara is able to see from the posts combined (and if anyone else wants to offer their thoughts too) how things look for an outsider on this post.

 

 

ps.kara...the last thing you write is in asking for respondee's to see things from her position, I guess you are meaning well and your writing that is really coming from a polite caring and concerned place: but in all truth, I think the person you need to take care of is yourself, take care not to get drawn into any more dangerous or hurtful games/or humiliating annoying acts of betrayal or disloyalty.

 

 

I don't think it can help you to try and see things from her perspective, because she doesn't care about you and your feelings, thinking about her may cause you more stress, worry about how you are acting (and you haven't done anything really wrong here) and will only feed more into her seeing you as a weak person and someone she can continue to manipulate, disrespect and hurt.

 

 

she ended your friendship and I hope it stays ended! don't feel tempted to go back or try to keep rationalizing this situation. I think she has realized somewhere inside you you do have strength to fight her and I suspect she also knows her behaviours were not fair or kind and maybe a bit of guilt has crept in.

 

 

anyway, I hope you can learn something from the awful way she treated you and can see it and avoid anyone that starts or tries to treat you in that way again.

 

 

bullies are attracted and feed on the weak.

 

 

and you can be strong and very shy, strong and a stick to your principals quietly if you are doing something that others don't consider cool.....you can always talk to those you trust about people like this....that is gathering strength, and the more strength you gain the weaker the manipulator becomes and those following the loser will start to see the bully and manipulator for what they really are...insecure, weak, projecting all their stuff onto others etc....

 

 

good luck and keep faithful to the person you are, good things shared are always better, and hopefully in your case can offer you maybe one or two ideas about why things may have occurred, but you got thorugh it ok, and that's the main thing

 

sincere wishes to you and pre-raph. take care. maxi. (who's heart is smiling now actually). thank you.