If parents could lose their tempers on you, does it mean they don't love you

[Vanity1]

As a kid I was raised where I would get hit or yelled at for falling off a bike instead of being comforted from being in pain ( and I wasn't a sucky baby I would only cry if I was in serious pain), I would get smacked around for not understanding homework to the point my face was swollen. I think it was the stress of having two other kids so close in age, and a mix of just not being patient. At around six years old I remember I was so scared to sleep alone one night and woke my dad up from his sleep so he chased me with a knife and put me in the car to sleep. My mom always just watched. Both my parents came from families who were not affectionate but my dads side of the family are crazy there are horror stories.

 

when my siblings were born six and seven years after me, that's when my mother started using I love yous, she was more comforting and more warm, not to me but to them and I take credit for that because as soon as they were born I became so protective of them, comforting and said I love yous all the time..I will take credit for that maybe I taught her something like being human and having emotions...idk I'm tired of making excuses for losers to be frank. She's still very sweet to them.

 

But I'm wondering a couple things. Like if my mom has some sort of beef with me and here's why....

 

My mom knew about my ex bf, the cheating, saw my black eye, it was evident I was struggling. So my question is how come she never guided me in making better decisions? I just came to the realization that she never gave me good advice or guided me. Could it be the way she was raised? mind you I was a good kid, at school never got Introuble, at home kept to myself and never made trouble for them, they were always busy with the younger ones so I minded my own business. So it's not like I was that needy constant attention annoying child. I never caused drama or trouble till this day for them, I keep to myself.

 

You probably think my dad is horrible but I grew up spoiled having everything I asked for, I had the best of everything. My dad was and is the only person who is there for me!!!! He will drop what he's doing if I needed something. He's actually the most dependable person I've ever met and have.

 

But I'm rolling my eyes at myself. When my dad would beat me and I got sent to bed....I remember he would always come into my room and apologize to me, and I would say it's ok...Same thing with my ex he would do the same, then be so apologetic, and I would say it's ok everytime

 

 

I'm so confused!!!!! Can people just naturally just have bad tempers??? Is it a mental thing that really can't be controlled...because I know even though my dad physically hurt me I know he loves me. Is blacking out an actual thing.

 

What are your thoughts??

Edited June 13, 2018 by Hurtx10

[Chilli]

Please don't go through the rest of your life feeling unloved , ok.

Feel loved and know you were loved , that's pretty obvious from the other sides to your dad.

Thing is and it's absolutely no fault of yours, he had a bad temper and he couldn't control it and that's on him not on you and not your fault.

But there's so many factors in marriage and then with kids, it's not an excuse ok l'm not saying that, it's very wrong , of course. But marriage can be so hard and so can life and kids can be incredibly stressful on top of it like you may never know with anything else in life , that's how stressful they can be. Through no fault of their own especially if they're basically good kids they're just kids, but sometimes as a parent with everything else going on , they can really take a toll and unless a parent looks at it all the right way and draws out the patience care and understanding needed , it can all get on top of them , mothers too don't worry about that but with his temper unfortunately that's the way it came out in him.

 

Is he still alive, then l bet he looks back with so many regrets and shame. Or maybe it's swept under the rug now and never happened.

Your mum , it's hard to say , it sounds like you were the first and she couldn't cope, maybe she switched off or something l dunno but there's some very clued in and trained people here that would know better than me. but possibly by the time the other 2 to came along she was more ready to cope and be a mother.

 

Have you been to see somebody specializes in this area , talked and worked it all through, that would probably really help and hopefully they could too.

 

Good luck.

[Vanity1]

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Edited June 13, 2018 by Hurtx10

[Prudence V]

Your childhood sounds abusive. I’m sorry you had to go through that.

[stillafool]

Hurt have you talked to a counselor about your childhood abuse?

[bathtub-row]

Your parents are horrible abusers. But don’t think that means you have to be that way if you ever have children. Change your family history by rising above this. You sound like a very warm, sweet, and introspective person. Sadly, you’re left with having to survive this. Please do not EVER let your parents harm you again. If they do, find a way to contact the police. And please do not tolerate verbal or physical abuse from anyone ever again.

[DrReplyInRhymes]

Your boyfriend cheated on you AND gave you a black eye?!

WTF is going on, this is not ok, who the **** is this guy?

Don't link this to some misguided childhood issue that is hardly relevant,

Find someone who loves you deeply and is the epitome of benevolent.

[preraph]

Very abusive parents. I'm so sorry. They may have learned this from their own parents, which is no excuse. They could have rebelled instead of imitating them. But I will say this as far as do they love you: If they were treated as badly as they have treated you, they may have very little capacity for love because empathy is something you have to learn. Not born with it. So they could be pretty unfeeling. They may not be able to love in the normal sense of the word. Anyway, please don't become like them. Do therapy and everything to sort through it because it affects you in ways you can't even imagine and makes you attracted to some of those actions because they were normal for you and you can end up abused again because someone seems "familiar" acting to you. So please do therapy and shed this horrible legacy. Don't worry about their feelings. They weren't worried about yours. but learn to love before you have children, please.

[Chilli]

Just like to add that things l tried to describe were only one possible aspect and known from someone close that grew up very similar to yours. But it def; wasn't excusing anything.

And of course hoping for the best outcome for you and at least some salvage in the family as with my friends sitch has, later on after years and years.

 

You really need to see a professional though so we'd really hope you do.

Take care.

[LuckyM]

If your parents love you, their love sounds very disturbing, insincere and perhaps sick. Love on their terms only, maybe vindictive and mixed with hate or resentment. But these are guesses only...no one knows including me.

I came from a hateful and indifferent family with much abuse. Eventually I learned to forgive my mother and her fickle ways but not my father. They both resented having to take care of me, their son.

 

I have no idea whether therapy will help you. It is hard to find a really good one and don't know where you live. Do not expect the therapist to work at resolving your feelings or to care. 90% of it is up to you.