His honesty hurts me

[Suzanne]

Hi,

 

I have been seeing my boyfriend for over 2 years now.

 

It seems like we have been together forever. I love him alot but because he always says whatever is on his mind without thinking of how I might feel, I am starting to question my love for him.

 

I appreciate his honesty but wish he weren't so blunt with his words. It seems when things are going well between the two of us, he always starts up something for no reason and the outcome of this is that we fight , and I cry. I have become alot stronger now and the tears no longer fall but my feelings are crushed. Very recently he had said to me that he loves me but he said"Do I love you because of you or do I love you because I pity you" Joke or no joke, sometimes I feel he is being brutally honest with me. I dont' want to spill my life story here, but my childhood was not a happy one. That being the case, I took very seriously the things he said to me.

 

I ignored him at the time, but normally in that situation I would have cried. I am a very emotional person and he knows that. I kept my composure and just pretended that I didn't hear him. I know that maybe he means what he says.. and in the case that he does should I ever bring this up with him?? Should I really question him about this?

 

I can't imagine how he could even say that. No matter how unhappy he may be or how 'bored' he is with this relationship I wished he would just come out and tell me.

 

He also mentioned to me that he cares for me but in a way of a child??!!! I again was pretty upset with this one.

 

I wished I could get some answers from anyone who can help. Thanks.

 

Sue

[Tony T]

It sounds like your relationship is on the way out.

 

We basically love other people because of the way they make us feel. Your boyfriend isn't making you feel very good at all and any love you have remaining for him will soon disappear.

 

You haven't left him already because your childhood was miserable and probably devoid of love. What love there was was most likely similar to what you're getting here...not of very good quality. You long for a normal life and you recognize that you must heal and rise above the hurt and pain that you experienced growing up.

 

You have put up with a lot in your life. It's very likely that your boyfriend has said and done MANY other hurtful things that you either consciously overlooked or just felt the hurt and didn't say anything about.

 

You probably love him in some ways...you probably fell in love with him really quickly in the beginning out of neediness before you realized just how verbally cruel he could be. You've probably been going through the hurt you describe for a while and it has suddenly become too much to handle.

 

Yes, you are very sensitive because as a child and teenager you spent many hours thinking and writing about the horendously painful experiences and abandonment you felt. You probably experienced some desperate loneliness. You have wanted others to understand what you have gone through but get the sense that nobody would really care to hear. You have a lot of emotional scars that, as you said, you would prefer not to discuss here.

 

You need someone who is mature, who is sensitive to what you have gone through, and someone who will treat you with the consideration and respect you deserve...stuff you didn't get growing up. It seems like you are getting to the point of standing up for yourself and you must insist that all persons treat you kindly or you just have to get them out of your life immediately.

 

As a young girl, you were pretty helpless and you were forced to experience the crap that was dished out to you. But as a grown woman, you need not put up with that stuff anymore...and don't.

 

Tell this chump if he can't talk to you in a loving and civilized way, you are out of there. And don't fear leaving him. You have gone through ENOUGH pain in your life and you don't need some scumbag dragging you through even more in your adulthood. I promise you there are men who will be kind, warm and loving towards you.

 

I wonder if you could even handle someone who was truly kind toward you...something you may not be used to. When you find this guy, post here and I'll give you simple directions to get you through it.

 

Today is the first day of the rest of your life. Be kind and gentle to yourself. Every time a person is mean to you, hurts you with what they say...don't even buy their apology...as a rule people say hurtful things because they mean them...everytime someone does this, put them in your hard drive, press the delete button and eliminate them from your life.

 

I'm sorry you have to experience this guy. You may love him now but it is absolutely impossible to love somebody who would continuously say obnoxious and miserably hurtful things to you. He is a horses asx and you can tell him I said so. If I ever see him, I will crush him to the ground.

 

You just don't deserve any of this. I am MAD!!!