Alamo657 Posted June 13, 2018 Share Posted June 13, 2018 Hello, Backstory : during a few years not long ago in the past (2011-2015) i seemed to only get involved with unfaithful women. Not going into details, i came out of this period with a very profound resentment/disdain for people being disloyal. I define disloyalty by chatting/meeting with a person of the opposite sex behind the back of your official partner. I now make a point to : 1) not to get involved with disloyal people 2) avoid a situation where i would be at the center of a disloyal attitude Story : one of my female friends (i'm a man) has an habit to secretly chat with many men trough messenger to get what i'd call "entertainment". She's not cheating physically, but she is chatting with people of other sex who are definitely not real-life friends, behind the back of her partner. I find this kind of shady attitude an emotional dead-end and a big disrespect to your partner. I basically told her that i didn't want to get involved in this kind of scheme (she was looking to chat with me, i'm sort of a clown to her who make her laugh), that we can talk in real life when her partner is present, but that i'm not available for her "entertainment". She unfriended me on FB and basically told me that our "friendship" is over. From my pow, i stand my ground on my monogamous principles, and what i did was necessary for my peace of mind. Do you think i was wrong, or right? Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted June 13, 2018 Share Posted June 13, 2018 I mean, you can stick to your principles, but since she wasn't flirting with you, there's nothing at all wrong with her talking to you on social media. Women have men acquaintances. Your problem is you think women shouldn't have any just friendly acquaintances because when it's your woman, you are too insecure to trust that she isn't trying to sleep with them or holding them in reserve. This is a big problem with social media, no doubt. It's hard to tell what is going on, but at some point you either trust the person you're with or you don't. This woman may be flirting with other men or she may only be chatting with people she considers acquaintances like yourself. You know, in real life, if you're to the point of making a life with someone, there's far less time to sit around and just do pointless things on social media if you're both working and especially once you get kids. But you've got to pick women you can trust without imprisoning them, because it's abusive to try to isolate a woman like that out of your own fears. If she wants to cheat, she can find time to cheat, and so can he. If someone wants to cheat, no amount of monitoring them can stop them. Let's say she waits until you're at work and then has a guy over, so this is your fear, so you blow up her phone all day texting to keep tabs on her. Hey, listen, sorry to burst your bubble, but there are plenty of guys out there who just want sex who would be perfectly fine to pause long enough for her to answer a text back to you. You have to pick someone and get to know them and know that their ethics wouldn't allow them to do that to anyone. That takes some time, so you're going to have to learn to cope with your own insecurities or you'll never be able to keep someone long enough to find out what their ethics are because a woman who is secure and has good ethics and no intention of cheating isn't about to put up with your false accusations! It's insulting to her and a problem she doesn't need. And if you have kids, it's horrible for the kids to witness. i know because I witnessed it. My mother stayed at home, typical 50s mom, home 99 percent of the time. We lived out of town on an acreage. She never had a thought of cheating. She wasn't looking for more sex. But my dad, because he would be tempted by opportunities to cheat and not get caught (he was terrified of getting caught), assumed she and all women were the same way: that if they had the chance, they'd cheat. No, Dad, that is only you. You are the one who is like that. Everyone doesn't think like you do. When I became a teen, I decided to shave my legs. I asked my mother and used dad's razor. The next morning when he was shaving he had a big accusatory fight at my mother because he was convinced she had a man over and that man used her razor. Yes, that's how ridiculous it can get. That's how your kids find out who has cheating on their mind and who doesn't. Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted June 13, 2018 Share Posted June 13, 2018 You have every right to set your own boundaries OP. I too am not okay being secret friends with opposite sex married people. If her husband doesn't know that she talks to men online and you are not comfortable with that then you have the right to not engage 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted June 13, 2018 Share Posted June 13, 2018 Of course you are right to live your life as you see fit. You essentially called her cheater. She ended the friendship because she was insulted & now thinks you are unfairly judging her. It's best that you two not interact. Did you really think that when you announced your viewpoint to her she was going to say "oh gee, you're right. I'm going to stop talking to all my male friends now because it offends you"? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted June 13, 2018 Share Posted June 13, 2018 Be glad she eliminated herself! Why didn't you eliminate her first? She crosses a boundary you find unacceptable = grounds for elimination...every single time! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
loverboy69 Posted June 14, 2018 Share Posted June 14, 2018 I don't think you didn't anything wrong in terms of principle but I'm sure you came across as a real prude A-hole in her eyes. You are her acquaintance not her BF or husband. Do you apply the same moral boundaries to your attached male friends when they make a comment about how hot some girl at the office is? If you are only PO'd at her because she is female and you "don't like women like that," then I'd call this a case of selective (manufactured) outrage. BTW: I'm not mad at ya just busting your balls ;-) 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Alamo657 Posted June 14, 2018 Author Share Posted June 14, 2018 I don't think you didn't anything wrong in terms of principle but I'm sure you came across as a real prude A-hole in her eyes.I know i did, i think i got tired of the "everyone can sleep with everyone " mentality that is prevalent nowadays. It probably makes me an hopeless idiot as far as no-string attached sex is concerned, thankfully as a buddhist i have other goals in life (and death). Do you apply the same moral boundaries to your attached male friends when they make a comment about how hot some girl at the office is? I believe it's a bit different to having secret conversations ! If you are only PO'd at her because she is female and you "don't like women like that," then I'd call this a case of selective (manufactured) outrage.Well , i believe those principles could be gender-reversed, it just happens that for this situation, i'm the man and she's the woman. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
darkmoon Posted June 19, 2018 Share Posted June 19, 2018 confronting anybody who is adult will get you nowhere, never do this to anybody, you will lose them, confronting is aggressive Link to post Share on other sites
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