To the Betrayed Wives [in an affair]-would you want to know?

[lotus1]

Longtime lurker here...

If your husband had cheated on you before, would you want to know if he were straying again?

 

I'll spare all the details, but here are the basics. Married man cheated on his wife for about a year. Wife found out and he broke off the affair, vowing to work on marriage, go to counseling and never speak to the woman again.

Fast forward two years.

Married man has now had 2 more affairs, and now starting a third. He has figured out how to balance his home life by not arguing with his wife and being a good father to the children, who are 8 and 12 years old. New job has him on the road most of the week so he cheats on the road and is loyal and present at home. He even has secret phones that he hides from the wife so she can inspect his real phone whenever she wants.

 

If you are the wife and all things seem "happy" on the home front, would you want to know that your husband is living a double life? Would you rather be blissfully ignorant or know the full truth so you can live an honest life?

[BluesPower]

Not a wife but... anyone usually wants to know. It is better to know than not know, then you have a choice in our life.

 

However, if you are one of the women that he cheated and she knows you, it probably needs to come from someone else...

[Artdeco]

Yes, I sure as hell would want to know.

Unfortunately, though, you don’t have a say if you’re the BS. If they want to deceive you, and they do it well, there’s a limited chance you’ll ever find out. Chances are probably better - like OP indicates - if you have been burnt in the past, because you’d be on high alert.

[skywriter]

Longtime lurker here...

If your husband had cheated on you before, would you want to know if he were straying again?

 

I'll spare all the details, but here are the basics. Married man cheated on his wife for about a year. Wife found out and he broke off the affair, vowing to work on marriage, go to counseling and never speak to the woman again.

Fast forward two years.

Married man has now had 2 more affairs, and now starting a third. He has figured out how to balance his home life by not arguing with his wife and being a good father to the children, who are 8 and 12 years old. New job has him on the road most of the week so he cheats on the road and is loyal and present at home. He even has secret phones that he hides from the wife so she can inspect his real phone whenever she wants.

 

If you are the wife and all things seem "happy" on the home front, would you want to know that your husband is living a double life? Would you rather be blissfully ignorant or know the full truth so you can live an honest life?

 

 

I doubt that anyone will post that they turned a blind eye while their spouse had affairs, true or not.

[carhill]

Welcome to LS.....

 

OP, it sounds like you're a disinterested third party who has some information on an affair relapse. Is that right?

 

If I had been disclosed of or discovered an affair and my spouse and I agreed to terms to continue the marriage, no affairs being one of them, I'd certainly want to know of any future affairs, but not hear-say, rather verifiable evidence. People lie and not just cheaters. People have agendas and not just cheaters. Trust, but verify.

[Mr. Lucky]

Would you rather be blissfully ignorant or know the full truth so you can live an honest life?

 

Let's say I had a well-funded and protected retirement account that someone else had inappropriately gained access to. Even if they had no immediate plans to loot the account, would I want to know?

 

Of course you would. For a BS, the potential danger isn't just emotional, as in having my bliss taken away, it's also physical, financial and existential.

 

Knowledge is power and we all deserve power over our own fate...

 

Mr. Lucky

[ladydesigner]

I would always want to know. STD's are real and scary thing with A's. Not only that but then I would be free to make my decision about MY future

[S2B]

Longtime lurker here...

If your husband had cheated on you before, would you want to know if he were straying again?

 

I'll spare all the details, but here are the basics. Married man cheated on his wife for about a year. Wife found out and he broke off the affair, vowing to work on marriage, go to counseling and never speak to the woman again.

Fast forward two years.

Married man has now had 2 more affairs, and now starting a third. He has figured out how to balance his home life by not arguing with his wife and being a good father to the children, who are 8 and 12 years old. New job has him on the road most of the week so he cheats on the road and is loyal and present at home. He even has secret phones that he hides from the wife so she can inspect his real phone whenever she wants.

 

If you are the wife and all things seem "happy" on the home front, would you want to know that your husband is living a double life? Would you rather be blissfully ignorant or know the full truth so you can live an honest life?

 

YES! I would always want to know what's real!

 

His wife deserves to know so SHE can make decisions based on reality instead of the fake life he presents to her!

 

The marriage is a farce and she doesn't even know the real version of her husband. Of course she should know.

[S2B]

Longtime lurker here...

If your husband had cheated on you before, would you want to know if he were straying again?

 

I'll spare all the details, but here are the basics. Married man cheated on his wife for about a year. Wife found out and he broke off the affair, vowing to work on marriage, go to counseling and never speak to the woman again.

Fast forward two years.

Married man has now had 2 more affairs, and now starting a third. He has figured out how to balance his home life by not arguing with his wife and being a good father to the children, who are 8 and 12 years old. New job has him on the road most of the week so he cheats on the road and is loyal and present at home. He even has secret phones that he hides from the wife so she can inspect his real phone whenever she wants.

 

If you are the wife and all things seem "happy" on the home front, would you want to know that your husband is living a double life? Would you rather be blissfully ignorant or know the full truth so you can live an honest life?

 

Where do you stand in all this mess?

 

Were you his OW at any point?

 

Or possibly the cheating husband?

[Overtaxed]

I'm going to go against the grain here and say something really dangerous, but also kind of also how I feel. If it was an A that's truly over; and it's not "we're just friends" or anything like that. Especially if it was a pure PA (ONS/paid encounter, etc), I'm not sure I'd want to know. Again, it's a bit of a contrived situation for a man, because women don't often have this kind of A, and a EA/PA, yeah, I can't see that being OK not telling because there's too much compromised in the marriage. But, putting it bluntly, if my W just up and f**ked some guy, never to see him again, I think I'd rather not know. I'd also rather be divorced if my W exhibited this kind of behavior, but, it would be more damaging to me to know than to not know in that situation.

 

Just MHO, and, again, it's contrived, because women very rarely have this type of A. It's almost always got some emotional component, it bleeds into the marriage, and it's not at all compartmentalized. But, if it met the criteria for a pure PA.. I think I'd be happier not knowing and living my life free from the burden that the knowledge of a PA brings to me.

[burnt]

Wife found out and he broke off the affair, vowing to work on marriage, go to counseling and never speak to the woman again.

 

So, clearly the wife isn't permitting the affair--yes?

 

He even has secret phones that he hides from the wife so she can inspect his real phone whenever she wants.

So, clearly the wife is still suspicious and is still going through doubts if he feels he needs to hide his traces that tactfully--yes?

 

If you are the wife and all things seem "happy" on the home front, would you want to know that your husband is living a double life? Would you rather be blissfully ignorant or know the full truth so you can live an honest life?

 

Does it sound like the wife would be happy to hear he is still cheating on her?

NO.

 

Will she be "blissfully ignorant"? Who can say? Some women can, but once someone is exposed to the sting of betrayal, she usually develops better instincts to sense when things are off. And often then it turns into her spending hours, months, and years suspecting, going out of her mind, but still not being able to pinpoint the source of her stress, until it does enough damage to her psyche.

 

So, would she be in intense pain if she found out? YES.

Some wives find out and still choose to live with the cheater; some finally cut the chord. Which one is she? Only she can tell.

 

On your part, the question is:

once you know of his wrong doing and have knowledge that a woman is being betrayed day in day out, would you keep your mouth shut?

 

If YOU were the one being cheated on, would YOU want to know?

If it was someone you cared about got cheated on like that, would you let her know?

 

I'm guessing yes, because that woman can decide what is best for her.

 

Knowing the truth is far more painful but liberating than living in a lie in a demeaning way.

Edited June 14, 2018 by burnt

[MidnightBlue1980]

 

If you are the wife and all things seem "happy" on the home front, would you want to know that your husband is living a double life? Would you rather be blissfully ignorant or know the full truth so you can live an honest life?

 

What is an "honest life"? Living alone, middle-aged, broke, sharing custody of your kids? There is no glory in that.

 

There is a status to being married, sorry but there is for women anyway, and odds are you are going to be alone for the rest of your life. Exceptions of course, we all know women who divorced and remarried but I know a ton of women who divorced and are alone. The men are not.

 

Many women would not want to know. If it's just a fling, it will pass and if it's love, he will get over it, like he did the last one. Women, as men, value security over fidelity.

 

Me, I don't want to know. He'll never leave so what would be the point.

[mingomatic]

I'm going to go against the grain here and say something really dangerous, but also kind of also how I feel. If it was an A that's truly over; and it's not "we're just friends" or anything like that. Especially if it was a pure PA (ONS/paid encounter, etc), I'm not sure I'd want to know. Again, it's a bit of a contrived situation for a man, because women don't often have this kind of A, and a EA/PA, yeah, I can't see that being OK not telling because there's too much compromised in the marriage. But, putting it bluntly, if my W just up and f**ked some guy, never to see him again, I think I'd rather not know. I'd also rather be divorced if my W exhibited this kind of behavior, but, it would be more damaging to me to know than to not know in that situation.

 

Just MHO, and, again, it's contrived, because women very rarely have this type of A. It's almost always got some emotional component, it bleeds into the marriage, and it's not at all compartmentalized. But, if it met the criteria for a pure PA.. I think I'd be happier not knowing and living my life free from the burden that the knowledge of a PA brings to me.

 

Somebody got free milk from the cow you bought.

[merrmeade]

There are many reasons:

1- She WILL find out.

2- When she does, she will realize the years she's lost while he was cheating on her. She could have moved on already had she known.

3- Multiple affairs means he's got a deep character issue, so the person he presents to that marriage and family is limited and superficial. He's always holding back bigger and bigger chunks of himself and his life. Not arguing with his wife keeps things steady so he can play around. That's not balanced.

4- Will his children think he was such a good father when they are 12 and 16 and find out he was never who he pretended to be? How does he make up for pulling their whole world out from under them?

 

The truth is the truth regardless of who knows it. It's not the telling that make it bad. You're not changing the truth of what he did by telling someone. You're not making it real by telling; it's already real.

[Gaeta]

If my partner is a loving husband that makes me happy and I am living the life I always wanted to live then no, I don't want to know.

[Mr. Lucky]

Me, I don't want to know. He'll never leave so what would be the point.

 

You're presuming one of many outcomes based on your own very real and understandable needs.

 

When you begin to include the perceived and varying needs of both your WS and the AP(s), lots of variables are introduced.

 

Maybe you've already taken those dangers into account...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Prudence V]

Longtime lurker here...

If your husband had cheated on you before, would you want to know if he were straying again?

 

<snip>

 

If you are the wife and all things seem "happy" on the home front, would you want to know that your husband is living a double life? Would you rather be blissfully ignorant or know the full truth so you can live an honest life?

 

If my H was unfaithful and I chose to stay in the M, it would imply that we’d come to an arrangement of some kind: either he agreed not to do it again etc., or I agreed that I didn’t mind if he did. If the former, as this post suggests, he’s broken the agreement, and I’d want to know if I was the BW. If the latter, would it matter? I know of a BW who has been through about 30 ddays with her H, with the same OW. She chooses to stay, so it’s pretty clear that she’s giving him permission even if those words would never leave her mouth.

[Arieswoman]

lotus1,

 

If your husband had cheated on you before, would you want to know if he were straying again?

 

 

If he cheated once he would be gone, there wouldn't be an opportunity for a second time

 

 

"Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me"

[DrReplyInRhymes]

Not a wife but... anyone usually wants to know. It is better to know than not know, then you have a choice in our life.

 

This is how I see it, also not a wife, but I think I'd also want to know,

If it happened once already, it better be a DAMN GOOD relationship to go,

For unless we were married for so many years I can remember at all,

I'd be ready to destroy the whole damn marriage and let it all fall.

[Mysterio]

You know what never happens in these cases. Who ever has the affair. The partner betrayed if they are married. They never say thats it and go for divorce. So that means in my mind. All marriages can withstand an affair once.

 

If any of my friends spouses cheat on them. They won't go straight for divorce. So most people can get away with it once.