My daughter does not like my boyfriend

[ZageJ86]

I have a bedbug infestation, not too crazy but they are here. I'm getting an exterminator sometime this month, depending on management's schedule.

 

My boyfriend has offered to buy products and help me get rid of some of the bugs. The thing is we've been dating for just two months and my 13 year old dislikes him. He has not been to our home yet. He's super kind and patient with her but I guess he annoys her, he (in her words) treats her like some God when she's trash... He's a good guy.

 

My daughter has made remarks about not living if I keep dating him. We've talked about this in therapy and we feel like her remarks are attention seeking/ manipulative but we also acknowledge that these are real feelings and we dont want her to harm herself. I'm hesitant to bring him here because I dont want her to feel like he's invading her space. I want him here, I need his help. I respect her feelings and dont want to stress her further.

 

My daughter is in therapy and I am present in her life. We are working together to keep her happy and on the right track. It has always just been my daughter and I so this new person is a huge adjustment. She seems to not want me to date at all.

 

The plan would be that he comes here for 2 or 3 hours and we'd do a cleaning of the chair and then he'd head home.

 

Any thoughts?

[MidwestUSA]

Most will tell you your daughter shouldn't meet someone you're dating until about six months into a relationship. What prompted you to have them meet?

 

I suspect she feels as if he's going to cut into her time with you. Her comment about being 'trash' is alarming. I'd keep up the therapy and find someone else to help with the bugs for now.

 

You have bedbugs in a chair? Why not just toss it?

[whichwayisup]

Ask someone else to help you. Your daughter isn't ready to meet and accept a new man in your life.

 

Is her father in her life? If not, it could be, as you said, it's always been you and her so she's not ready to deal with someone else taking time away from you. She's also a young teen so there's that too.. Just be kind and patient, love her and don't make her feel bad for not liking your new boyfriend.

[grays]

Most will tell you your daughter shouldn't meet someone you're dating until about six months into a relationship. What prompted you to have them meet?

 

I cant imagine living by rules just because most people think theyre good rules. If I dont think its a good rule or not appropriate to the situation then I really dont care what most people think.

 

I've read OP's post like six times looking for some evidence of the length of her relationship and I see none.

[ZageJ86]

Most will tell you your daughter shouldn't meet someone you're dating until about six months into a relationship. What prompted you to have them meet?

 

I suspect she feels as if he's going to cut into her time with you. Her comment about being 'trash' is alarming. I'd keep up the therapy and find someone else to help with the bugs for now.

 

You have bedbugs in a chair? Why not just toss it?

 

 

I met my boyfriend when I was with my daughter. I figured that since they had already met that we could do some outings together.

 

I don't have anyone else to help me.

 

The bugs are in my sectional which is just a year old. I paid good money for my sectional and I can't toss it yet because I don't have money to purchase a new chair. I threw out the ottoman after finding many eggs and live bedbugs in it.

[ZageJ86]

I cant imagine living by rules just because most people think theyre good rules. If I dont think its a good rule or not appropriate to the situation then I really dont care what most people think.

 

I've read OP's post like six times looking for some evidence of the length of her relationship and I see none.

 

Oh sorry, it's a very new relationship. We've been together for only 2 months.

[ZageJ86]

Ask someone else to help you. Your daughter isn't ready to meet and accept a new man in your life.

 

Is her father in her life? If not, it could be, as you said, it's always been you and her so she's not ready to deal with someone else taking time away from you. She's also a young teen so there's that too.. Just be kind and patient, love her and don't make her feel bad for not liking your new boyfriend.

 

I don't have anyone else to help me especially for free.Her dad is not in her life.

 

Thank you, I'm making sure to take things slowly.

[hippychick3]

I cant imagine living by rules just because most people think theyre good rules. If I dont think its a good rule or not appropriate to the situation then I really dont care what most people think.

 

I've read OP's post like six times looking for some evidence of the length of her relationship and I see none.

 

She said in the second paragraph that they’ve been dating for 2 months.

 

OP, it was WAY too soon to introduce your teenage daughter to a new man especially given the fact she’s in therapy and is your only child. I have a teenage daughter and waited 1 1/2 years before introducing her to my bf. And when I did so, it was a very, very slow and gradual process. I made sure (and continue to) that she was and is my priority. She was very resistant to me having a bf at first but now is very close to him.

 

It’s extremely important that your daughter feels she is your priority and no one is taking away your time together. I suggest you hold off on bringing your new bf into her life for awhile. Keep your relationship separate for at least a year.

[bathtub-row]

Does your daughter have depression or is she bi-polar - anything like that? Her comments and go-to reactions are way off-base. Perhaps the line between parent and child have become invisible. The trash comment and suicide threat both sound like extreme drama. I don’t have a lot of patience with that kind of thing so my response would be to set her straight; but I get the impression you haven’t done that with her and that would be a shock to her. Not sure what to tell you except to stop dating until she leaves home, or figure out a way to get her head screwed on straight.

 

This situation reminds me of the daughter character in the movie The Horse Whisperer. She was overly coddled and spoiled. But the people on the ranch didn’t play her game and when she figured out her tactics didn’t work, it changed her. I know that’s just a movie but it was very realistic. Perhaps you need to require more of your daughter and remind her that you’re the parent.

[stillafool]

It sounds like OP and her daughter are alone with no one but the two of them. Given the fact that the daughter's father isn't in her life her mother is all she has so understandably she is highly protective of their relationship. She has no one else and she is just a child. I too think it's too soon to bring a man around her that she isn't comfortable around. Sorry, but given the situation OP should forgo dating until a future time. OP, I would suggest you join a local church or just attend one and ask for their help. They WILL help you.

[ZageJ86]

Does your daughter have depression or is she bi-polar - anything like that? Her comments and go-to reactions are way off-base. Perhaps the line between parent and child have become invisible. The trash comment and suicide threat both sound like extreme drama. I don’t have a lot of patience with that kind of thing so my response would be to set her straight; but I get the impression you haven’t done that with her and that would be a shock to her. Not sure what to tell you except to stop dating until she leaves home, or figure out a way to get her head screwed on straight.

 

This situation reminds me of the daughter character in the movie The Horse Whisperer. She was overly coddled and spoiled. But the people on the ranch didn’t play her game and when she figured out her tactics didn’t work, it changed her. I know that’s just a movie but it was very realistic. Perhaps you need to require more of your daughter and remind her that you’re the parent.

 

You're spot on. I have not done the best job of raising her. I raised her like a princess while blurring the lines of parent and child roles. I'm now reaping the benefits. I have much work to do. She does need to be set straight.

 

My boyfriend won't see her until maybe 6 months to a year. I'm making sure to keep her feelings as priority . Yes she does have depression and anxiety and is currently undergoing treatment .

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

You're spot on. I have not done the best job of raising her. I raised her like a princess while blurring the lines of parent and child roles. I'm now reaping the benefits. I have much work to do. She does need to be set straight.

 

My boyfriend won't see her until maybe 6 months to a year. I'm making sure to keep her feelings as priority . Yes she does have depression and anxiety and is currently undergoing treatment .

 

Don't be so hard on yourself. I did not raise my daughter as a princess, nor did I blur the lines, and she still hated the idea of me dating when she was 13. She also has an anxiety disorder. (She does have her dad in her life and was perfectly fine with HIM dating). She also flipped out, ever since she was a toddler, whenever she saw her father and me showing affection to each other, so she had some issues. I talked to a therapist about this many times, talked to her about it when she got older, and we never really did figure that out. She was in therapy for about a year around age 14.

 

She's now 17 and has her first serious boyfriend and is totally different about me dating. I think it would still be awkward for her to see me with someone (she's an awkward child anyway), and I would still be sensitive about showing physical affection around her, but she's nothing like she was when she was 13. She's matured in so many ways and now she simply just wants me to be happy. She has a much better understanding of romantic relationships/the human need for companionship.

 

Our kids should always be our priority, and if she's telling you how uncomfortable she is with this change in her life, believe her. We only get one shot at this, and the fact that she thinks she is "trash" needs to be dealt with before she's expected to embrace the boyfriend.

 

Bed bugs are my biggest fear, so you have my sympathy. Ugh! Is there any place you and your daughter can go (exit your home) while your boyfriend deals with the bed bug issue?

[bathtub-row]

You're spot on. I have not done the best job of raising her. I raised her like a princess while blurring the lines of parent and child roles. I'm now reaping the benefits. I have much work to do. She does need to be set straight.

 

My boyfriend won't see her until maybe 6 months to a year. I'm making sure to keep her feelings as priority . Yes she does have depression and anxiety and is currently undergoing treatment .

 

I can’t say this enough - being a strong parent goes a long way to making strong kids who become strong adults. My son and I were alone most of the time while he was growing up. When I first divorced his father, I started to spoil my son out of guilt. Then I saw what kind of brat I was raising and stopped doing that. He’s a well-balanced grown man today, very independent with a wonderful gf he plans to marry. As a single parent, it becomes necessary to be both mother and father figures. It’s not as hard as it sounds, it just requires thinking things through.

 

I had a friend who was a single mom. While separated from her husband, he died. The daughter was 3. In order to “protect” her, my friend didn’t tell her daughter about her father’s death and she didn’t attend the funeral. This was before I met her. This girl was a mess. Spoiled, smart, out of control. My friend asked me once why my son didn’t badger me when we went to the store. He had asked for something and I had told him no. I let her know that I mixed it up - sometimes I let him get something, sometimes I didn’t. That way, he didn’t have expectations about getting what he wanted every time. Also, when I told him I was going to do something, he knew I meant it. If I made a promise, I kept it (I rarely made promises because I knew I’d have to keep them), if I told him I would leave the store because of his behavior, he knew I meant it.

 

Conversely, my friend would tell her daughter that she was going to leave the restaurant if she didn’t behave. Her daughter knew good and well they weren’t going to leave. I told my friend that she continued to make threats and promises she didn’t keep, therefore her daughter didn’t believe anything she said. But worse than that, the daughter felt insecure. I remember when the 4 of us went on vacation. The daughter was driving me crazy with her whining and overall bad behavior. I asked my friend if I could take control and because she really just didn’t like disciplining, she readily agreed. Within just a few hours, the girl was holding my hand everywhere we went. It honestly made me want to cry because her mother never ever saw what her soft boundaries were doing to her daughter.

 

Discipline doesn’t have to be mean. As a matter of fact, meanness doesn’t have anything to do with it. I remember the one and only time I gave the “store” lesson to my son. He was really acting badly and I told him we’d leave if he didn’t stop. He didn’t stop and we walked out. He was horrified. I wasn’t angry or yelling - nothing like that. I just calmly said we’re going and we went. He never, ever pulled that stunt again.

 

My point is, when a parent doesn’t establish boundaries and a strong front, they tear down the child’s confidence. I’m not saying you’re doing those things. Only you know that. If any of this rings true, I hope it helps.

[Gaeta]

A 13 year old kid in therapy versus a boyfriend of 2 months. The math is easy in my mind. The kid wins no matter the circumstances.

 

 

 

You've known this man for a total of 8 weeks, you don't need him, you got by without him before so you can get by without him now. You have to date him a LOT more than 2 months to judge his character and his worthiness.

 

 

 

As for the bed bugs the last thing you should do is buy products to do it yourself, it's well known if you do that the bugs will develop a resistance and it will be even harder for the exterminator to get rid of them.

[Mr. Lucky]

I want him here, I need his help. I respect her feelings and dont want to stress her further.

 

If we're only talking about help with the bedbug treatment, can't it be done at a time your daughter isn't there? She must leave the home at some point or you could plan an activity for her.

 

A 13 year old kid in therapy versus a boyfriend of 2 months. The math is easy in my mind. The kid wins no matter the circumstances.

 

Agreed. Were it me, both the romantic partner AND sectional would go. I'd rather focus on my daughter and sit bug-free on the floor...

 

Mr. Lucky

[preraph]

It's rare the kids ever like the new bf or gf or husband or wife. They keep hoping you'll get back together with the old one or are jealous of anyone else getting attention. You're in counseling, so I hope they know what they're doing. Two things to remember 1) Make it clear adult business isn't her business and she has zero say in who you date and any whining about it will come with consequences. 2) Make it clear she has to be polite to all adults unless one is trying to pull her into their car or there will be consequences.

 

The counselor is certainly right that it's manipulation. She needs to learn not to question when you tell her to do or not to do something. Yes, there are kids who just know that's not going to get them anywhere.

 

It is too early, but crap happens.

Edited June 14, 2018 by preraph

[nittygritty]

Perhaps you should just have presented him as your friend instead of your “boyfriend”. Have you asked your daughter what the guy has said or done to her that makes her not like him? Is he creepy? Or trying too hard? At two months you don’t even know him. Have you exposed her to bad boyfriends in the past?

 

13 is a tough age, she should be your priority. Demanding management to immediately get a professional exterminator there today makes more sense than some guy you don’t really know. Bedbugs would be a nightmare for anyone. Yikes! :sick:l

[bathtub-row]

I fully agree that a child takes priority in most cases. In this case, though, the daughter is controlling her mother through manipulative tactics and that is completely unacceptable on so many levels.

[Gaeta]

Your daughter is at a critical age. She is in therapy for different issues and is the victim of bullying. The LAST thing she needs right now is mom dating, and on top of that dating 'a married man'.

 

 

 

I don't care if she has been controlling, she is a child and she needs your full attention to address her problems. Your dating life can wait. You're just 31 years old you have your whole life in front of you to date and find a man.

 

 

 

What you are doing right now with/for your daughter will have direct repercussions on the type of adult she will be.

 

 

 

That kid as enough on her plate, she doesn't need to deal with mom dating on top of that.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I don't care if she has been controlling, she is a child and she needs your full attention to address her problems.

 

This! Totally agree!

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I fully agree that a child takes priority in most cases. In this case, though, the daughter is controlling her mother through manipulative tactics and that is completely unacceptable on so many levels.

 

Control comes from a place of fear. Why does this child have so much fear? What's she afraid of? This is what needs to be addressed.

[stillafool]

Control comes from a place of fear. Why does this child have so much fear? What's she afraid of? This is what needs to be addressed.

 

From reading some of OP's past threads it seems the child went through severe bullying at school.

[bathtub-row]

Whoa. The bf is married??!!

[SunnyWeather]

I have a bedbug infestation, not too crazy but they are here. I'm getting an exterminator sometime this month, depending on management's schedule.

 

My boyfriend has offered to buy products and help me get rid of some of the bugs. The thing is we've been dating for just two months and my 13 year old dislikes him. He has not been to our home yet. He's super kind and patient with her but I guess he annoys her, he (in her words) treats her like some God when she's trash... He's a good guy.

 

My daughter has made remarks about not living if I keep dating him. We've talked about this in therapy and we feel like her remarks are attention seeking/ manipulative but we also acknowledge that these are real feelings and we dont want her to harm herself. I'm hesitant to bring him here because I dont want her to feel like he's invading her space. I want him here, I need his help. I respect her feelings and dont want to stress her further.

 

My daughter is in therapy and I am present in her life. We are working together to keep her happy and on the right track. It has always just been my daughter and I so this new person is a huge adjustment. She seems to not want me to date at all.

 

The plan would be that he comes here for 2 or 3 hours and we'd do a cleaning of the chair and then he'd head home.

 

Any thoughts?

 

The seriousness of what your daughter has expressed is far too complicated to get advice from this forum, some of the comments are plainly ignorant, especially since we don't have all the facts, and given that most are not trained as mental health professionals.

 

I highly recommend you make sure your counselor is trained in suicide risk assessment, prevention, and harm reduction practices. She needs to learn coping skills. This situation requires a higher level of care and intervention as this probably will not be the first time this type of 'manipulation' --threats--will occur. Factors such as impulsivity, to just name one, must be addressed..

 

Please don't disregard the seriousness of your situation. If your daughter has already engaged in any self harm, you must get very pro active as this behavior most likely will not just go away with basic psychotherapy, she requires a higher level of care, and I might add, her own therapist apart from family therapy.

 

About the bed bugs: get a professional and get rid of anything that is infested. You don't want to mess around with that.

 

I wish you all the best

[Artdeco]

Whoa. The bf is married??!!

 

I don’t see that anywhere, but he could be separated, who knows.

Anyways, I agree, 2 months is too short to introduce kids to a new partner, but if the daughter was present when they met, then I guess she’ll know him anyhow. However, I personally would present him as a “friend”, not as a BF right away.

 

I think the bug issue can be handled by a pro, it can’t be that expensive, and the bf should step back for a while. I would only meet him when the daughter is not around, which - granted - can be difficult if she’s never with her bio dad, but what about sleepovers at friends, summer camps, etc.?

 

Keep the focus on her, esp with all her issues involved; the BF needs to understand that.