Was I wrong not to jump at a second chance?

[ambyc92]

My fiance ended our wedding two weeks before it was set to proceed. We had a disagreement beforehand but we both agreed to forgive each other and move forward so I was very caught off guard to say the least. He brought up issues we had long decided to squash as if we had never talked about them. He told me I had no right to say that I didn't feel heard that all he was doing was listening to me. Which really struck a cord with me because we had discussed that in detail we went over a article together about communication.

 

I expressed to him that at times he doesn't respond or just motors over with his own thought instead of listening and responding to what was said. However we both agreed we could do better and I also pointed out areas where I could improve. Anyways this continued on he had a laundry list of my faults even going so far as to say that we were incompatible because I wanted to consider a option he disagreed with even though in time also i came to agree with him. I was devastated in the aftermath he said he loved me however that he had serious doubts about me. It was all very painful and I didn't understand what more I could do. I also was very hurt and angry I felt lied to. Eventually we did speak he told me he didn't really want to talk about us (the relationship) but I felt like what else was there to talk about. In a small broken voice I asked how we got here? he jumped down my throat saying if I don't know then that's the problem that essentially I talk to much and that I'm dangerous and he ended by saying that if I need to talk that much then he's not the guy for me. However even stranger he told me he wasn't opposed to getting married in 6 months although he went on to say "I don't know I really don't want to put a number on it" implying I guess 6 months a year who knows. I was flabbergasted all those things he said and he still expected I would even want to marry him. I said nothing really just said my goodbyes.

 

I saw a counselor about the relationship and I told her she was concerned about some of his habits and turned me onto a verbal abuse book. That really resonated with me and my situation. I was still skeptical he wasn't quite as bad in my opinion as the people in the book. But I was concerned about control it seemed at times like my thoughts and opinions were not as important or easily dismissed without sitting down and giving them some real consideration. Anyways we met one time after all of this I had wrote him a very detailed 1.5 page apology letter apologizing for my part in things and for saying certain things I didn't mean I never insulted him or name called. But I did make certain assertions when I was emotional that I wouldn't have had I had a clear head. I didn't implicate him at all in my letter it was just about me. He wrote me back thanking me and saying he also wanted to apologize and asked to meet. However when I arrived we just shot the breeze like we always did we always got a long well we were very good friends. Then he started talking about us he said to me let's but all the stuff that happened aside and started bringing up a extremely personal experience in my past I didn't understand why this was bringing brought up so I asked what does this have to do with the situation? I got no response, I have a mild anxiety disorder and that situation was related to my anxiety. However after talking to the counselor and reading about emotional/verbal abuse I knew that although that will always be a part of my personality it doesn't mean I can't have real concerns and know what I'm experiencing. I felt like he was trying to blame things on that instead of taking responsibility for something. The conversation ended with him saying he had a list of things that led him to his conclusion about me. He also said he wanted to see if we could start talking to see if things could eventually be worked out, as I was to understand it this was the precursor to starting to reconcile he said we should have little talks about us every other week. He was also getting ready to move and told me that he doesn't know what he wants but he's keeping an open mind. I felt like just another option so I told him once he figures out what he wants look me up but this was a lot of work for someone who wasn't sure about me. Later he texted me asking to meet up again for a talk I declined feeling that he would only attack me. I told him the last time I didn't feel good that he brought up a situation that really hurt me and that he offered no apology like he said he would. He told me he had apologized that he was sorry for any animosity between him and my family. I don't recall any apology and obviously there was more to apologize for than just the fact that my family wasn't keen on you. I told him I was willing to have a big heart to heart and then decide to work on things or not. He told me it was best to go our separate ways.

 

After that message I never spoke to him again. In april he sent me an email titled please read, in it he apologized said he should have been more patient and that a few women have been interested in him but that it was the last thing he wanted. The apology was nice but what struck me was that he still apologized for nothing specific. I wrote back that although I have problems I was not the problem here and that I needed a apology for something specific. He wrote back that he wanted to talk to me at a mutual function we were both going to. Which I specifically said I wouldn't do then he told me he was busy so he couldn't respond right now. I told him that we make time for what's important to us. Next I got a essay long email about how he was on vacation with his family that he got a speeding ticket that his family was now caring for his grandfather. Only the last line applied to me in which he said "I never wanted you to feel attacked the last time we met. I wanted to work on your imperfections together". This made me very upset I wrote him a long email detailing things he said and did that really hurt me sending me text messages saying I needed to admit I have a problem to calling me names. Anyways because I wanted things to end well I just said I have a lot of good memories and I'm grateful for that. He initially didn't write back until I wrote one final email thanking him for the good times. Finally he left a email saying that was very mature of me and that he knows there are millions things he needs to work on. After that email I agreed to meet him this time he apologized saying there are a million things he shouldnt have said that he needs to work on himself that it's all his fault. To which I said I also have a part in things. He said he was too immature I thanked him finally feeling like this was a genuine apology and I told him I forgive him. He asked me about a long distance relationship I said I didn't know but that I do appreciate the apology. He started talking to me all the time just like before asking me out telling me he loves me, I could tell he wanted another chance but I wanted to be smart about things we had always had fun together that wasn't the problem. So in Sept I told him I had questions I wanted to talk about what went down between us. He asked me if I was angry I said no I've forgiven you but I need certain things answered if we are going to move forward. So I asked questions about what he expected out of a marriage? what his parents marriage was like? why was he so angry? What was his feelings during xyz? What role did you feel anxiety played in the relationship why did you bring up that experience? To which oddly he replied none which made me wonder why he brought up the experience if that was true. To which he gave me some weird answer about how I never discussed the experience with him outright. Which I told him was absolutely untrue we discussed it I told him about my childhood, it was one of the times I felt close's to him which is why I think it made it hard for me. It seemed like he was now using it against me he swore up and down he would never do that and it bothered him that I thought that etc...to which I was appreciative but it was still a bit confusing. I thought we would have these heart to hearts and grow and learn from our mistakes and what we needed from each other. Instead by our 3rd conversation I noticed he was distant and a bit angry and I was still confused. He started saying things like "well I can't change it now so what does it matter" or "that was almost a year ago" which for one we are talking about the dissolvent of our engagement its a pretty big event I can't see how in a year he could have forgotten so much and on top of that most of the things that occurred between us that I was mentioning were post break up as in probably 6 months ago. I didn't argue with him though I simply stated that I wanted to see if he still felt this or that way and try to understand where he was coming from and express my feelings. I wasn't going over everything but there were certain things that really bothered me and I knew to move forward with the relationship I needed a better understanding of his perspective. Otherwise he just seemed mean and I didn't feel safe. So at one point I brought up his email about how he wanted to work on my imperfections, this made him sort of defensive. He told me "Its not what I say but the principles behind it" which to me made no sense so I said "I can only take you at face value especially after everything how am I to know the principal behind it?" He sighed and asked me if I remembered what he said beforehand about how we all are a work in progress etc...but that's not true he only said that after I called him out on it. I just wanted to be clear with him I don't want him to fix me or I don't want to be with someone who feels that way. Initially he said he didn't think about the context of what he said but then He told me that he feels like I take things the worst possible way at times. I didn't like that statement "So I said I don't think its crazy to respond that way how would you like it if someone came to you and told you they wanted to work on your imperfections" plus I told him in this email your supposedly trying to win me back why would you say that instead of idk I want to work on OUR problems etc. I told him sometimes I feel like he wants to reason away my feelings instead of trying to understand them or see things from my POV. Which I guess honestly was always the problem. Anyways I didn't say much more I wanted to give myself time to think and I was going away on a trip so I decided to pause for now. We did have one brief text conversation where I asked what he thought of our conversations to which her replied "sometimes the messages sent aren't the messages received" I asked him if he felt like one of us did that more to which he replied "me" but he stated he did too at times. Then he said again how sometimes I take things the worst possible way. To which I replied is it also possible that you may not realize how you come across or the context? to which he said of course. My feeling is that he may feel that way that's fine but that doesn't mean my perception is so crazy like he wants to make it seem. Perhaps to him it does seem like the worst possible way of looking at things and maybe it is but after everything we had been through I'm going to be a bit more critical. I told him my concern with that statement is that it minimizes me feelings as if to say well if you took things the right way I wouldn't be hurt.

 

He sort of just ignored that statement and said that its not about placing blame and that he's just explaining why we have to keep talking about words and phrases. I felt sort of taken a back I mean we were talking because a lot went down between us, and some of it hurt me. Not because I take things the worst possible way but because they struck a cord with me, and I didn't want that to continue. Anyways after he made that statement I just told him it was getting late and to have a goodnight. He asked me if I wanted to keep talking but I said no, I wanted some time to gather my thoughts and mull over what he said. I knew he was getting annoyed by now and I would need to make a decision about how to proceed. Mind you during this time we are texting snap chatting calling each other just like when we were in a relationship so its not like this was all we talked about I even specifically spaced these conversations out to like 1 a month because I didn't want to overwhelm him. Anyways I had decided based on our 4th conversation we would either move forward or I would end it once and for all. I tried to explain to him once more why saying I take things the worst possible way bothered me and tried to get him to see like how I felt in those moments why those words hurt what was running through my head especially after what happened during the break up I'm going to be a bit more guarded about what you say. I can't tell you word for word what I said sometimes he makes me so flustered that I sorta ramble to get it out as soon as possible. But he completely missed the point he told me that "frankly hes tired of talking about the past he said it seems like I'm saying he hasn't apologized" which I interjected and said that's not it at all to which he said he has apologized and he wants to move forward. I agreed with him that I want to move forward too, I just want to be clear about this that my feelings are real and valid even if he doesn't necessarily agree. He asked if I thought he enjoyed hurting me, to which I replied no I don't, but that doesn't change the fact that it did.

 

He just keeps saying that I needed to understand intrinsically that things were different now and that he couldn't keep explaining to me and that he wanted to move forward. It sounded like he was trying to distance himself from me so I said "what do you want" to which he replied he wanted to move forward. To which I said with or without me? Then he went in on how he has a foundation with me. Which idk sounded like I was just another option not the women he was so in love with. So I told him I said look I know we are at the point where we either move forward and take things slow or move on with our lives. He just started in on the same thing about how he doesn't know if i'll ever understand things intrinsically etc...So I said to him I know that if we move forward I have to be over what happened in the past and not bring it up if I want to have a chance at a new start so I want to lay all my cards on the table beforehand and get all the answers beforehand, otherwise I knew he would be upset with me. I also told him how can you make changes if you don't know what's broken if you don't know what my experience was and vice versa. I then asked haven't I talked about a different subject each time we talked? to which he replied yes and I said don't you think the only way to learn from our mistakes is to revisit them at least once. Not to mention I felt closer to him I explained myself, I apologized for things he brought up, he apologized for some things I brought up and even some I didn't. I thought I was doing the right thing. I also said to him loving me is about being sensitive to my feelings otherwise you know whats the point. Finally he says to me I don't want a relationship right now with you or anyone. He told me about how at first he was afraid to move but now he has new friends and a new job and a lot of responsibilities he does a lot of volunteer work with our congregation and essentially he's too busy right now. I was floored and embarrassed I felt so stupid why did I even bother I thought. So I told him I don't need anymore explanations and that he couldn't contact me anymore to which he replied oh I don't think that's necessary and I said yes it is, I need to get over this idea that we are going to get married and move on.

 

I guess my question do other girls just take guys back?

Do I really just not understand things or did I ask to much of him?

Is it really my fault?

I just tried so hard I thought I was doing the right thing, I didn't mean to push him away but I also felt like I needed to be true to myself.

I feel so used like he was just lonely and when it didn't come easy he was done.

Which to me doesn't really sound like someone who's so remorseful and so desperately wants to work things out.

[PRW]

Do you have a one paragraph version of this? I can't imagine anyone reading all that in detail and trying to give any decent suggestion. Look at the huge size of what you wrote and compare that to the quotes I pulled from it below.

 

He told me I had no right to say that I didn't feel heard that all he was doing was listening to me.

 

In a small broken voice I asked how we got here? he jumped down my throat saying if I don't know then that's the problem that essentially I talk to much and ...... that if I need to talk that much then he's not the guy for me.

You need more friends that are women, particularly feminine women, not masculine. Why? Because men by nature are just not capable of just sitting and listening for an extensive about of time without wanting to just "cut through" it,...solve whatever the problem is that you are talking about,...and move on. Yes, we try to learn to handle it better, to do better at listening, but in the end we are the wrong tool for the job. If you need a lot of listening to things you have to say, then we are just the wrong tool in the tool box.

 

Women, particularly more feminine women, however are the right tool for the job. This is why it is healthy for a woman to have some really good female friends that they can spend time with. They can talk and listen to each other and help each other be more emotionally healthy.

 

Now if you need to get the oil changed in your car,...put the word out to the guys and they will trip over each other to be the first one there. Now you have them in their element. Give them a cookie after and they are good to go.

 

I can't help with the guy you are talking about, he didn't write in, I don't have his side of the story. I only have your side of the story. I think if you follow what I said it can help with the next time,...whether it is the same guy or a different one.

Edited August 1, 2018 by PRW

[Becky_19]

Good job I’m a lady

 

I’ll agree with PRW, it’s difficult from only your side of the story. To me it seems like he was probably genuine in approaching you, but I don’t think he understood you. Maybe be struggles with the hearing part of listening. A bit like me, he may have wanted to move on with you but been confused and overwhelmed by the process of working through the problems in a detailed way, which you need.

 

I can’t say for you if you missed your chance. In my opinion breaking up with you before your wedding like that was pretty cruel, but you’ve grown exponentially from the experience so perhaps it was a gift in disguise. I can’t assume he has changed or how he feels etc because I don’t know his perspective but he seemed to try really hard to talk things out but wasn’t actually brave enough to have the difficult conversation about it.

 

I think it’s up to you to, be honest with yourself, do you actually really need to analyse and work on every problem and stiruaton in order to move forward with him?

 

For me personally that would be an extremely emotionally exhaustive experience and reliving all of the past hurt. But if that’s what you known100% you need to build trust and he’s can’t do that then perhaps you made the right choice?