Dating While in Affair

[vvv888]

You guys are right. MM and I haven’t talked for few days now. I made a resolute decision to pursue a relationship with single guys and have been focusing on myself. I have blocked MM as well. I am very tired of playing second fiddle all the time. We tried separating before but he reqched out so I got weak. I have been trying to get out. I know it is wrong to use the single guy but I haven’t really given the single guy much hope. I don’t think it’s fair to him to respond to him while I am still trying to move on. Let’s hope the separation sticks this time. No, actually, I need to make it stick.

[mingomatic]

You guys are right. MM and I haven’t talked for few days now. I made a resolute decision to pursue a relationship with single guys and have been focusing on myself. I have blocked MM as well. I am very tired of playing second fiddle all the time. We tried separating before but he reqched out so I got weak. I have been trying to get out. I know it is wrong to use the single guy but I haven’t really given the single guy much hope. I don’t think it’s fair to him to respond to him while I am still trying to move on. Let’s hope the separation sticks this time. No, actually, I need to make it stick.

 

I really hope you get the fresh start you deserve. Stay true to your aim. Find someone out there suitable for you that you can love fully and be loved fully back. KEEP THE PAST IN THE PAST.

It sucks to be a single guy caught in this drama if it's not truly over between you and MM.

[Cali408]

This is hilarious. OW telling the truth in a relationship based on lies and deceit.

 

Your affair partner is mad because his ego just got stomped on. As the wayward spouse, his attitude is you're to be exclusive to him and be at his beck and call. He goes home to his fairytale marriage, while you sit waiting for the next time he reaches out.

 

Read the paragraph again. Doesn't this seem ridiculous? Because that's his attitude. He's jealous. How dare you see other people, while he probably was intimate with his wife.

 

Be happy he cut you off. Don't let him back in. He will reach out again.

[vvv888]

Hi Mingo. Thanks for reminding me. I read your posts and I refuse to be the girl who is still pining over a MM and go on a R with a single guy who should deserve my full attention. I realized that will be a disaster so thank you for showing up here and making me see what the aftermath may look like...

 

As of today, I haven’t really shown any deeper interest in the single guy. I am not sure how to tell him but I really just want to focus on moving on. I am not even sure if it is right to be distant to the single guy. I just don’t want to be dating him as a crutch. He’s sweet but I just don’t have the emotional capacity to be with anyone now. Is it fair for him if I just keep this distance? I don’t want him to think that he’s done anything wrong... I know it’s my fault for bringing him into this mess. I would really like to take it very slow with single guy, but SG (for short) seems to be eager to move. Not sure what to do with the SG.

 

—

Hi Cali. Agree. It is ridiculous. However, I don’t believe he would try reaching out again. Anyway, I blocked him everywhere, so I sure as hell hope he doesn’t.

 

—

Just an update though, date with SG was alright. SG was a bit more touchy than I would like, kept trying to put his arms around me. We watched a scary movie, I am suspecting he was hoping for me to cling to him during scary scenes as he kept trying to reach for me. I am not comfortable with this, as I said above I would like to make sure that I am healthy enough to make a decision. But in all honesty, I am trying to slow things really down with SG because even without MM, I will find SG’s eagerness uncomfortable. Then again, I am still confused about my feelings. Is it because of MM that I am nitpicking SG?

 

Somehow, the A feels like years ago. I felt very angry today thinking about how sh*tty MM treated me and how stupid I was for accepting such treatment. It made me see how much I need to develop my self-awareness, self-esteem, and boundaries. Has anyone been like this before? I can’t see any light at the end of the tunnel. I just need to know that you can fall in love and be loved again after this...

[BaileyB]

Look, it's quite reasonable for you to take some time to yourself if you have decided to end the affair. It is the best and healthiest thing to do. Go to the gym, spend time with friends, read a good book this summer...

 

Then, when you meet a SINGLE man who you find interesting, his advances won't feel uncomfortable and pushy. You will be in a better place to date.

 

And know, if you decide to let MM back into your life, not many single guys out there will want to date a woman engaged in an extramarital affair. That's not a good plan.

 

Best to end it and know, all good things come with time. Have faith. There are wonderful things ahead for you... If you do this right by ending the affair and preparing yourself to love again...

[vvv888]

Just a bit of update. Went on a second date with SG during the weekend. Went to a fancy restaurant and found some tidbits of information that kind of turned me off:

- SG tipped very much below the standard (e.g. if the tip is supposed to be $1, he only tipped 14 cents). It was a fancy restaurant so I thought that was quite a red flagz

- SG believed that smoking weed is the cool thing to do. I don’t have a problem with smoking weed, but at 30, I thought you wouldn’t care if you look cool for smoking weed. He talked about weed like we were still in high school and he’s part of the cool kids for doing it. He even proudly bragged that he smoked at the rooftop of his workplace, and got caught by HR. Personally, I don’t smoke. No offense to those who do, but I don’t want this in my partner.

- SG has a very different attitude towards life than me. For example, I believe in developing my career, whereas SG comes to work at 11am, when the official office hour is 8.45. Granted, his office is quite flexible to accommodate life circumstances. But when I asked why he comes to work at 11, he said “I hang out with friends until late so I just cannot wake up...” Mind you, this is a 30yo man...

 

All in all, SG turned out to be quite a disappointment so I made it clear that I don’t think we would work out. This much, I believe I was being objective and not just nitpicking... At the end, I even discovered that I was fine with this and I am not missing MM. I just felt relieved that I finally see that I deserve someone whom I can rely on for not putting me last. I also felt empowered that I do make my own choices, and there are people out there I am yet to meet. I also accepted that I made that choice to be with MM, I was not a victim of MM advances. Just like the choice I made to not go through with SG. So I can make my decision to move on without MM.

 

Yes, I was disappointed that SG wasn’t what I hoped he was going to be, but at least I discovered my own wants and that I am allowed to make choices. I wouldn’t know if MM contacted me, secretly I still wish he would just to know that he’s having a hard time. Selfish reason, really. But my will to move on, at least for today, is stronger than that.

 

I guess somehow it brought to light the selfishness of MM for wanting me to be at his beck and call, and a way for me to escape the A. I believe I may have unconsciously told him about the date to sabotage our R (if it can be called that). Oh well, I sure hope this positive feeling stays.

 

I also discovered that I always felt incredibly and painfully insecure and anxious during this time of the month. Surprisingly, I felt calmer and I can control my mood better. I used to attribute the anxiety to PMS and now wondering if it stemmed from insecurity for always being put last. Ah, does it matter now? What matters is I feel somewhat better and less angry.

[DKT3]

Just a bit of update. Went on a second date with SG during the weekend. Went to a fancy restaurant and found some tidbits of information that kind of turned me off:

- SG tipped very much below the standard (e.g. if the tip is supposed to be $1, he only tipped 14 cents). It was a fancy restaurant so I thought that was quite a red flagz

- SG believed that smoking weed is the cool thing to do. I don’t have a problem with smoking weed, but at 30, I thought you wouldn’t care if you look cool for smoking weed. He talked about weed like we were still in high school and he’s part of the cool kids for doing it. He even proudly bragged that he smoked at the rooftop of his workplace, and got caught by HR. Personally, I don’t smoke. No offense to those who do, but I don’t want this in my partner.

- SG has a very different attitude towards life than me. For example, I believe in developing my career, whereas SG comes to work at 11am, when the official office hour is 8.45. Granted, his office is quite flexible to accommodate life circumstances. But when I asked why he comes to work at 11, he said “I hang out with friends until late so I just cannot wake up...” Mind you, this is a 30yo man...

 

All in all, SG turned out to be quite a disappointment so I made it clear that I don’t think we would work out. This much, I believe I was being objective and not just nitpicking... At the end, I even discovered that I was fine with this and I am not missing MM. I just felt relieved that I finally see that I deserve someone whom I can rely on for not putting me last. I also felt empowered that I do make my own choices, and there are people out there I am yet to meet. I also accepted that I made that choice to be with MM, I was not a victim of MM advances. Just like the choice I made to not go through with SG. So I can make my decision to move on without MM.

 

Yes, I was disappointed that SG wasn’t what I hoped he was going to be, but at least I discovered my own wants and that I am allowed to make choices. I wouldn’t know if MM contacted me, secretly I still wish he would just to know that he’s having a hard time. Selfish reason, really. But my will to move on, at least for today, is stronger than that.

 

I guess somehow it brought to light the selfishness of MM for wanting me to be at his beck and call, and a way for me to escape the A. I believe I may have unconsciously told him about the date to sabotage our R (if it can be called that). Oh well, I sure hope this positive feeling stays.

 

I also discovered that I always felt incredibly and painfully insecure and anxious during this time of the month. Surprisingly, I felt calmer and I can control my mood better. I used to attribute the anxiety to PMS and now wondering if it stemmed from insecurity for always being put last. Ah, does it matter now? What matters is I feel somewhat better and less angry.

 

He could have been the greatest guy ever and you would have found something wrong. Dating isn't a good idea right now.

 

We had another poster here in your situation, met an awesome single guy, got deeply involved then started seeing mm again, needlessly dragging a innocent bystander into her mess. SG figured it out about mm and dumped her. After some time she was finally clear of mm and circled back around to SG who wanted nothing to do with her, now she feels she missed a guy who could have been the one.

[anika99]

I don't know of any fancy resturaunt where even a $1.00 tip would be acceptable, unless the whole bill was only like 5 bucks. Fourteen cents is just insulting. The server probably would have preferred no tip over being insulted. You're right that the single guy seems to be a waste of time. Bragging about smoking weed and getting fired at his age are huge red flags.

 

Good for you for being stronger and becoming true to yourself. Take your time. Just because things are over with MM doesn't mean you have to settle for the first thing to come along. Plenty of fish in the sea.

[carhill]

Good on OP for being discriminating. Going on dates and, yup, even being a bit nit picky will help when looking in the mirror and comparing to the passes the fMM got on his behaviors if/when any contact occurs in the future. Apply the same nit picking with him. Socializing is cool. IMO, keep it casual, no big ticket dating for awhile. It has its place, sure. People can get to know each other without draining wallets. No rush.

[mingomatic]

I can't believe how 'ok' everyone is with the behaviour and mindset of people on this subject. I hope some day that you find yourself in a committed and happy long term relationship, and then you find yourself in the situation where your partner has 'a little bit on the side'

 

The mentality and nature of this is negative and lacking virtue, whichever way you want to try and paint it, it's wrong and you should feel guilty in doing what you're doing

 

so why is everybody giving me grief when I say I get so angry at my gf that I feel like cheating and letting her know? GF was the OW prior to meeting me.

[mingomatic]

I don't know of any fancy resturaunt where even a $1.00 tip would be acceptable, unless the whole bill was only like 5 bucks. Fourteen cents is just insulting. The server probably would have preferred no tip over being insulted. You're right that the single guy seems to be a waste of time. Bragging about smoking weed and getting fired at his age are huge red flags.

 

Good for you for being stronger and becoming true to yourself. Take your time. Just because things are over with MM doesn't mean you have to settle for the first thing to come along. Plenty of fish in the sea.

 

she said "IF THE TIP due was 1 dollar, he paid 14 cents' In other words, he only paid fourteen percent of the proper, minimum acceptable tip.

[mingomatic]

Just a bit of update. Went on a second date with SG during the weekend. Went to a fancy restaurant and found some tidbits of information that kind of turned me off:

- SG tipped very much below the standard (e.g. if the tip is supposed to be $1, he only tipped 14 cents). It was a fancy restaurant so I thought that was quite a red flagz

- SG believed that smoking weed is the cool thing to do. I don’t have a problem with smoking weed, but at 30, I thought you wouldn’t care if you look cool for smoking weed. He talked about weed like we were still in high school and he’s part of the cool kids for doing it. He even proudly bragged that he smoked at the rooftop of his workplace, and got caught by HR. Personally, I don’t smoke. No offense to those who do, but I don’t want this in my partner.

- SG has a very different attitude towards life than me. For example, I believe in developing my career, whereas SG comes to work at 11am, when the official office hour is 8.45. Granted, his office is quite flexible to accommodate life circumstances. But when I asked why he comes to work at 11, he said “I hang out with friends until late so I just cannot wake up...” Mind you, this is a 30yo man...

 

All in all, SG turned out to be quite a disappointment so I made it clear that I don’t think we would work out. This much, I believe I was being objective and not just nitpicking... At the end, I even discovered that I was fine with this and I am not missing MM. I just felt relieved that I finally see that I deserve someone whom I can rely on for not putting me last. I also felt empowered that I do make my own choices, and there are people out there I am yet to meet. I also accepted that I made that choice to be with MM, I was not a victim of MM advances. Just like the choice I made to not go through with SG. So I can make my decision to move on without MM.

 

Yes, I was disappointed that SG wasn’t what I hoped he was going to be, but at least I discovered my own wants and that I am allowed to make choices. I wouldn’t know if MM contacted me, secretly I still wish he would just to know that he’s having a hard time. Selfish reason, really. But my will to move on, at least for today, is stronger than that.

 

I guess somehow it brought to light the selfishness of MM for wanting me to be at his beck and call, and a way for me to escape the A. I believe I may have unconsciously told him about the date to sabotage our R (if it can be called that). Oh well, I sure hope this positive feeling stays.

 

I also discovered that I always felt incredibly and painfully insecure and anxious during this time of the month. Surprisingly, I felt calmer and I can control my mood better. I used to attribute the anxiety to PMS and now wondering if it stemmed from insecurity for always being put last. Ah, does it matter now? What matters is I feel somewhat better and less angry.

 

You're vacillating. I think so, at least. Go out, date single guys. But please try not to think of MM anymore. It's dangerous and you could find yourself relapsing. You may think it's just another ex, but it's a major bomb to any relationship you're trying to build. The stain is there, and if new guy were to know about that part in your life from anybody other than YOU, there would be hell to pay.

[Bufo]

Some single guys are jerks and/or losers. Not candidates for LTR. But not all are like that. Ever hear “you have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find one who is really a prince” ?

 

MM is less than happy because you dating means to him that he could be losing control. He knows that if a prince appears, he is history. He can’t gamble on every date of yours being a downer. And he knows that sooner or later you find someone you are interested in.

[vvv888]

Thanks BaileyB. That is exactly what I am planning to do. Been quite active at the gym lately. I joined a dating app when I was so angry with xMM, if not to find a quick rebound, and met someone, but decided not to pursue it further. It’s only been a week and half, so I don’t feel ready and healthy enough to give another person a hance. I think quick rebound is not a healthy thing for me right now. It’s just a distraction from the pain. I am reading some books on self-awareness and self-compassion.

 

Today I went out with some girl friends. I had the most fun I’ve had in a while. He used to always worry whenever I go out in case I meet someone. So it was a great feeling to have fun without any pressure. I danced and drank some. Not planning to meet anyone, just fun and company of girl friends.

 

Been thinking a lot about him these past two days. Sometimes angry thoughts, sometimes compassion. I believe that he did feel something for me. At least cared for me. He is not a horrendous person, just a selfish guy who makes hurtful choices. I am not a horrendous person for having an A, yes I made vwry hurtful mistakes, but I am trying to make amends. I know a lot of times people look at OW as monster, but I cannot change my past, can I?

 

So off dating for now. Just focusing on me. I hope I can reach that point when I think of him less.

 

 

 

Dear you, I miss you today and yesterday. We haven’t talked for a week and more now. We used to chat every day and night. I want to go out there and find myself again. I used to be this fun and independent girl. Being with you made me feel small and question myself what am I missing that you will never choose me. But my head knows it is never about what I am missing. It will never be that. I can accept that now when some distance is put between us.

[vvv888]

I woke up feeling upset today, realizing we are final. I miss him terribly. Part of me still wonders if he misses me too. I almost broke NC but I cannot go back to the A, so I am posting here. I think I am also feeling emotional as my PMS is here, so I keep telling myself this is just hormonal emotions, which still sucks though.

[mingomatic]

I woke up feeling upset today, realizing we are final. I miss him terribly. Part of me still wonders if he misses me too. I almost broke NC but I cannot go back to the A, so I am posting here. I think I am also feeling emotional as my PMS is here, so I keep telling myself this is just hormonal emotions, which still sucks though.

 

 

This is exactly the kind of thoughts that will drive single guys insane. Are you truly over him?

[MissBee]

So I’ve been OW for 3 years and I went on a date with someone else (not MM). I told him that and now he got very mad at me. Is this common? Do you still go on dates while being an OW? What should I do?

 

I've learned over the years that healthy sustainable relationships are balanced.

 

All good relationships have reciprocity, mutuality and equality.

 

Affairs by definition are imbalanced and unequal, particularly when one party is married and the other party is single. Two married people make a much stabler affair, because there actually might be more balance there.

 

That said, yes it's common for a MM to be selfish and jealous. Lots of people are selfish and jealous in relationships of imbalance where they truly feel entitled and happy with the imbalances that serve them and will try to protect that status quo.

 

What should you do? Choose yourself. That's also something I've learned over the years. When we have our own boundaries, self-worth, self-respect and choose those things over choosing the affections of another and selling ourselves short in imbalanced relationships, we can't lose.

 

Figure out what you want. Are you dating to make MM jealous and hope he sees your worth? Are you dating to really move on to something more balanced? If it's the former, it probably won't work and it's also unfair to drag someone else into a mess. If you're truly trying to get more balance then you will have to choose what you want regardless of how MM feels.