Separating but not yet signed anything

[wearehappy]

This must sound very old.

 

My wife and I are separated. I still feel deep connection with her, who moved out to another city for a job. She said she's heartbroken and have used all her affections to save the marriage. I now feel that she is right that I wasn't a good husband and didn't give her enough care.

 

I never cheated on her, but I contacted my ex and showed some nostalgia before my wife (then girlfriend) came to live with me from a long-distance relationship. She was then much disappointed and demanded that I cut off all communications with my ex'es. I didn't. But I swear I had no romantic relationship with them and I don't talk to them often, maybe once a year or something.

 

This made my wife cringe and demand that I hand her over all my passwords for social networks. I refused. Then we started having more and more fights, having difficulties with sex, ways of spending, and all kinds of trouble. But when I needed help, she was always there for me. I tried to do the similar to her but not as enough as she did. I sponsored her for her entire graduate studies (8 years) and all the family expenses. But deep inside, I didn't feel enough love and care for her. I was paralyzed in fixing the relationship. Ever since we started sleeping in separate beds, I just put things on halt and led almost a single life under the same roof for 4 years. This is partially because I chose a very hard career path as well, which constantly challenges my skills and needs a lot of learning and travelling. I travelled almost half a year in total last year. And I never brought her with me. And I didn't contact her much during travelling.

 

On top of this, her family and my family had some differences in values and had complicated issues. I hated her parents out of sheer defence of my own family and didn't treat them well when they visited us in our city. This broke their and my wife's heart. I've never tried to fix the parent issues thinking it should be fixed just between the two of us first.

 

Recently she says she's going to file the official doc for separation and end the marriage early next year. She didn't ask for more financial benefit than an affordable number to me and didn't ask for any of our properties, which made it even more difficult for me to forget her. She's a great person.

 

While cleaning up the old pictures, I realized that we had many many fond memories and now they will be burned down after almost a decade. I cried so hard.

 

I'm not sure if this is love or guilt. I feel extreme mood swings lately and can't remain calm at work. I asked her if I could go and visit her, but she declined. But she hasn't sent me the docs yet.

 

I don't know what to do. I think I so wanna make it up for her in one way or another, but it just seems way too late. She applied for two jobs last year and got both offers, one is in our city and the other not. She finally picked the latter.

 

I have the strong urge to go to her, but have completely no clue what I would do. The rational part of me know that without an objective, the action won't lead to anything useful. But I don't know what would be the best course of action after 4 years of halt. Should I fly to her parents in another country and do something? Should I go to her office blindly? Too much romantic movies...

 

Meanwhile, I've met someone new, but it's too early to feel emotionally attached to this person. I'm also afraid of hurting someone else if I've not fully recovered from my breakup.

 

I'm not a good husband, but I still have feelings for her. Should I try to fix it or give up and think about my future being alone for now?

[d0nnivain]

Only you can make the decision about whether to capitulate or fight to save your marriage.

 

The fact that you already found somebody new tells me that you might not be as willing to work to fix this as you claim. If you want to fix it real change & grand gestures are in order. Marriage counseling & relocation will also have to happen.

[Mr. Lucky]

Meanwhile, I've met someone new, but it's too early to feel emotionally attached to this person. I'm also afraid of hurting someone else if I've not fully recovered from my breakup.

 

I'm not a good husband, but I still have feelings for her. Should I try to fix it or give up and think about my future being alone for now?

 

Have to agree with d0nnivain, you seem to be looking at things from the sole perspective of your own needs. And there's nothing necessarily wrong with that as long as you're honest with yourself about what and why. Reconnecting with your wife because you're afraid of change and/or don't want to be alone doesn't say much about how the relationship will benefit her.

 

During this process, have you had a chance to talk to a counselor or therapist? That conversation might provide you with clarity and a path forward...

 

Mr. Lucky

[wearehappy]

Only you can make the decision about whether to capitulate or fight to save your marriage.

 

The fact that you already found somebody new tells me that you might not be as willing to work to fix this as you claim. If you want to fix it real change & grand gestures are in order. Marriage counseling & relocation will also have to happen.

 

Thanks for your honest words. Do you mean Marriage counseling involving her?

[wearehappy]

Have to agree with d0nnivain, you seem to be looking at things from the sole perspective of your own needs. And there's nothing necessarily wrong with that as long as you're honest with yourself about what and why. Reconnecting with your wife because you're afraid of change and/or don't want to be alone doesn't say much about how the relationship will benefit her.

 

During this process, have you had a chance to talk to a counselor or therapist? That conversation might provide you with clarity and a path forward...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Thank you for your honest words.

 

I think you are right. Maybe up till today, I've never put her feelings on account seriously enough. That's what broke our marriage. This might have deep implication in my own personal life, too.

 

I regret that I didn't involve her in my own therapy a while back. I went to a therapist two years back and made some progress in our relationship (confirmed by her), but I was then off guard and didn't finish all the materials that I receive from the therapist. I realized now it's a really bad idea not going to a counselling session with both partners present. I might have missed important clues and merely got a temporary relief.

 

If it is really meant to end badly, then all I could to do is to try to be a better person before rushing into any relationship.

[wearehappy]

Thanks for your honest words. Do you mean Marriage counseling involving her?

 

I posted something stupid and realized again what I have been missing: I didn't involve her enough when problems arose.

 

A confrontation with her yesterday made me realize how late this is already. She has made the decision for us.

[Mr. Lucky]

She has made the decision for us.

 

So be it.

 

What's next for you ???

 

Mr. Lucky

[OwlLover]

I think talking to a neutral friend/professional might help you. Since you said you've had a lot of mixed emotions if you talk to someone or write out your feelings it might clear up for you if you are having guilt, remorse, etc.

[wearehappy]

I think talking to a neutral friend/professional might help you. Since you said you've had a lot of mixed emotions if you talk to someone or write out your feelings it might clear up for you if you are having guilt, remorse, etc.

 

Thanks.

 

A lot has happened in the past month and I went to a psychotherapy.

Learned a lot about mindfulness and how I made so many mistakes in my marriage and life.

 

Right now I'm still in the morning phase, morning the death of our marriage. Going through the legal, finance, and all the paperwork is such a torture. I can only believe time heals and hope I'll learn from this story.