To say something or not say something to my brother?

[Gaeta]

We are 3 siblings living in the same suburb. Our parents live 10 hours up north in our hometown. We visit in the summer, they visit at Xmas and mom makes a trip here on her own each spring.

 

Usually mom stays at brother-1 or brother-2 and we visit, organize BBQ, outings, etc. It's been like that for 10-12 years.

 

This year she stays at brother-2. When she arrived we text brother-1 to let him know. He first said he'd come visit her Friday, then an hour later he cancelled. Then he said he was going away on the weekend with his wife and he'll be in touch. They came back and no words of him. Mom calls him Monday and he is vague, he doesn't offer a time to visit, same Tuesday. Last night mom wanted to call him for the 3rd time to practically beg him to come and visit her as she's leaving tomorrow. I told mom to drop it. He's a grown man of 51 yo if he wanted to see her he would have, he had 8 days to drop by and he lives only minutes away. She resigned herself and didn't call him.

 

Of course I am fuming, as all my other siblings. As the eldest of the family I am tempted to call him and let him know how his inexplicable indifference has hurt our mother. I am picking up our mom at 19h tonight to bring her to the bus terminal and I feel like calling my brother and tell him I don't need to know what is going on in his life BUT there is no excuse good enough for him not to drop and see his mother 5 mins today before I take her to the terminal.

 

Thoughts?

 

 

.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Yes, I would say something.

[Mr. Lucky]

Yes, I would say something.

 

Disagree. The relationship is between him and his Mom, would be her place to say something if she so desired. As the OP said, they're both adults, let them work it out...

 

Mr. Lucky

[JuneL]

Is there any chance your brother may have some sort of emergency that he doesn’t want your family to know about? I just can’t see why he would be ghosting your mother like this if their relationship is not particularly horrible.

[Gaeta]

Disagree. The relationship is between him and his Mom, would be her place to say something if she so desired. As the OP said, they're both adults, let them work it out...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

 

Well, she's my mom and if you hurt my mom you hurt me too. There is 0 history of disagreements between them. They don't have conflicts of any kind. Our mom is puzzled and hurt by the situation.

[Gaeta]

Is there any chance your brother may have some sort of emergency that he doesn’t want your family to know about? I just can’t see why he would be ghosting your mother like this if their relationship is not particularly horrible.

 

 

I don't see what kind of emergency he cannot share with our mom. He works till 4pm then spends his evenings working on personal projects in his garage. All of his kids are adults and moved out.

[Gaeta]

Well, mom beat me to it.

 

 

 

I was going to send a message to my brother but my mother text him this morning to tell him she was leaving tonight. He simply answered: Sorry I did not have the opportunity to see you, have a safe trip.

 

 

 

My blood is boiling! My mom asked me that we don't talk about it anymore, she's too disappointed for the moment.

[fredflint]

We are 3 siblings living in the same suburb. Our parents live 10 hours up north in our hometown. We visit in the summer, they visit at Xmas and mom makes a trip here on her own each spring.

 

Usually mom stays at brother-1 or brother-2 and we visit, organize BBQ, outings, etc. It's been like that for 10-12 years.

 

This year she stays at brother-2. When she arrived we text brother-1 to let him know. He first said he'd come visit her Friday, then an hour later he cancelled. Then he said he was going away on the weekend with his wife and he'll be in touch. They came back and no words of him. Mom calls him Monday and he is vague, he doesn't offer a time to visit, same Tuesday. Last night mom wanted to call him for the 3rd time to practically beg him to come and visit her as she's leaving tomorrow. I told mom to drop it. He's a grown man of 51 yo if he wanted to see her he would have, he had 8 days to drop by and he lives only minutes away. She resigned herself and didn't call him.

 

Of course I am fuming, as all my other siblings. As the eldest of the family I am tempted to call him and let him know how his inexplicable indifference has hurt our mother. I am picking up our mom at 19h tonight to bring her to the bus terminal and I feel like calling my brother and tell him I don't need to know what is going on in his life BUT there is no excuse good enough for him not to drop and see his mother 5 mins today before I take her to the terminal.

 

Thoughts?

 

 

.

 

He has no obligation to see his mother if he doesn't want to, and frankly its not your business to tell him who he should see, family or not. Yes people can be cruel sometimes, that doesn't mean you have a right to insist he be different. He's within his rights, you just have to suck it up.

[Gaeta]

He has no obligation to see his mother if he doesn't want to, and frankly its not your business to tell him who he should see, family or not. Yes people can be cruel sometimes, that doesn't mean you have a right to insist he be different. He's within his rights, you just have to suck it up.

 

 

In my culture family is everything and this type of behavior is highly disrespectful. Especially toward a woman that gave him birth and sacrificed everything to raise him, put him through school and brought him to adulthood and continued loving him and supporting him through his adult years. He is who he is because of HER. He owes her e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g.

[fredflint]

In my culture family is everything and this type of behavior is highly disrespectful. Especially toward a woman that gave him birth and sacrificed everything to raise him, put him through school and brought him to adulthood and continued loving him and supporting him through his adult years. He is who he is because of HER. He owes her e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g.

 

Those are your values. He doesn't share them. Your judgement doesn't make you correct and him incorrect. It just means you have different values, no more no less. For me, family means accepting and loving each other regardless of differences in values sometimes. I can see that this is a major difference for you, but you can't change him, so you either live with a chip on your shoulder or you find a way to get over it.

[Gaeta]

Those are your values. He doesn't share them. Your judgement doesn't make you correct and him incorrect. It just means you have different values, no more no less. For me, family means accepting and loving each other regardless of differences in values sometimes. I can see that this is a major difference for you, but you can't change him, so you either live with a chip on your shoulder or you find a way to get over it.

 

Sorry but you are off track. I am 52 and he is 51. We were raised very closed knitted. We have shared the same family values for the past 50 years. He has always kept the family bond strong up to now. This is not a matter of different values. This is totally out of character for my brother to do this.

[Mentor99]

Sorry but you are off track. I am 52 and he is 51. We were raised very closed knitted. We have shared the same family values for the past 50 years. He has always kept the family bond strong up to now. This is not a matter of different values. This is totally out of character for my brother to do this.

 

So there likely is a good reason, but he doesn't want to share it with you. I would wait until your blood stops boiling (he might know that's where you're at right now so is avoiding you), and then instead of approaching him out of anger, approach him with concern. In his mind he had a very good reason not to go, or else he would have. As you said, this is out of character.

[fredflint]

Sorry but you are off track. I am 52 and he is 51. We were raised very closed knitted. We have shared the same family values for the past 50 years. He has always kept the family bond strong up to now. This is not a matter of different values. This is totally out of character for my brother to do this.

 

He can change his values or character without asking your permission. If you are concerned about something being up with him, that's different, then you could approach it from that direction with him

[d0nnivain]

Say something to your brother after you have calmed down. If you come at him with both barrels you will make things worse. Do say your piece just npt right now.

[bathtub-row]

Once, a family member of mine was being a little dismissive of his mom. I called him one day and explained to him that his behavior was hurtful. I told his mom about it later and she was grateful that I stepped in for her. She didn’t want to be in the position of talking to him about it. I think family should protect family.

 

I’m sure your brother knows he’s being hurtful but he needs to hear it from someone in the family.

[Timshel]

Sorry but you are off track. I am 52 and he is 51. We were raised very closed knitted. We have shared the same family values for the past 50 years. He has always kept the family bond strong up to now. This is not a matter of different values. This is totally out of character for my brother to do this.

 

 

If bolded is true, then something is going on with him, yes?

 

 

 

Why are you angry instead of concerned?

[Mr. Lucky]

They don't have conflicts of any kind. Our mom is puzzled and hurt by the situation.

 

If you feel a need to talk to either of them, talk to Mom. Encourage her to contact her son and express her feeling in calm and clear language. Hopefully, honest and good communication is one of your family values also...

 

Mr. Lucky

[fredflint]

If bolded is true, then something is going on with him, yes?

 

 

 

Why are you angry instead of concerned?

 

^yes, this

[Gaeta]

If bolded is true, then something is going on with him, yes?

Something must be going on, yes.

 

Why are you angry instead of concerned?

He goes to work, he goes on weekends get away, he plays with his toys in his garage......he's obviously in a good mental and physical shape enough to continue his life. I cannot find any valid reasons why he cannot get in his car and drive the 10km separating us to come and visit his mom for half an hour.

[Timshel]

Something must be going on, yes.

 

 

He goes to work, he goes on weekends get away, he plays with his toys in his garage......he's obviously in a good mental and physical shape enough to continue his life. I cannot find any valid reasons why he cannot get in his car and drive the 10km separating us to come and visit his mom for half an hour.

 

 

Yes, this is definitely strange, are you able to have some one on one time with him to chat and figure out what he is thinking?

 

 

Maybe he will be more candid with you if there is something bothering him about your mom.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

So there likely is a good reason, but he doesn't want to share it with you.

 

There's likely a reason, but that doesn't mean it's a good one.

 

Gaeta, I'm sorry this is happening. This is happening in my family as well, and it is very hurtful . At least we do know the reason, but it doesn't make it any easier.

 

Big hugs.

[Mentor99]

There's likely a reason, but that doesn't mean it's a good one.

 

It's a good reason to him. If others want to judge him or his reasons, so be it.

[Gaeta]

I don't think we will ever know the reason. I called him about a month ago to chat. He was alone. He was happy to hear me, I asked if everything was alright we had not seen him since Xmas that's 6 months ago. He said he knows they've been out of touch, he made a joke they were hibernating and said when summer is here they'll come out of their 'hole'.

 

Mom has left, she asked me to let it go, she feels what ever he's going through it's a phase and he'll eventually come around. It sucks, it feels like there is a link missing in our chain.

 

 

Thanks everyone for taking the time to participate in my thread.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I don't think we will ever know the reason. I called him about a month ago to chat. He was alone. He was happy to hear me, I asked if everything was alright we had not seen him since Xmas that's 6 months ago. He said he knows they've been out of touch, he made a joke they were hibernating and said when summer is here they'll come out of their 'hole'.

 

Mom has left, she asked me to let it go, she feels what ever he's going through it's a phase and he'll eventually come around. It sucks, it feels like there is a link missing in our chain.

 

 

Thanks everyone for taking the time to participate in my thread.

 

Marriage trouble, maybe?

[Gaeta]

Marriage trouble, maybe?

 

 

Probably, his wife is very 'special'. One day she loves you to death and the next she blocks you and won't talk to you for a year. She's been like this for 25 years so when she's going through a 'down' we don't pay attention to her erratic behavior. When she's not feeling good he will usually come and visit on his own.