To say something or not say something to my brother?

[quankanne]

This is totally out of character for my brother to do this.

 

based on this comment, and some stuff you posted afterward, I wonder if he was in the midst of a bad period and just didn't have it in him to put on an "everything is all right, my life is great" face for the family. Especially for y'alls mama. Doesn't mean that he loves her any less, just that he either didn't want to burden her with his problems or that he felt he could deal with them AND pretend he was feeling just fine.

 

if this is the exception, and not the norm, for someone, give that person a break. You don't know what they're going through, and they really don't need to be subjected to your expectations of how to behave. If anything, check on him, and ask how things are going. From personal experience with depression, that can make a world of difference, knowing someone you love cares enough to be genuinely concerned.

[whichwayisup]

We are 3 siblings living in the same suburb. Our parents live 10 hours up north in our hometown. We visit in the summer, they visit at Xmas and mom makes a trip here on her own each spring.

 

Usually mom stays at brother-1 or brother-2 and we visit, organize BBQ, outings, etc. It's been like that for 10-12 years.

 

This year she stays at brother-2. When she arrived we text brother-1 to let him know. He first said he'd come visit her Friday, then an hour later he cancelled. Then he said he was going away on the weekend with his wife and he'll be in touch. They came back and no words of him. Mom calls him Monday and he is vague, he doesn't offer a time to visit, same Tuesday. Last night mom wanted to call him for the 3rd time to practically beg him to come and visit her as she's leaving tomorrow. I told mom to drop it. He's a grown man of 51 yo if he wanted to see her he would have, he had 8 days to drop by and he lives only minutes away. She resigned herself and didn't call him.

 

Of course I am fuming, as all my other siblings. As the eldest of the family I am tempted to call him and let him know how his inexplicable indifference has hurt our mother. I am picking up our mom at 19h tonight to bring her to the bus terminal and I feel like calling my brother and tell him I don't need to know what is going on in his life BUT there is no excuse good enough for him not to drop and see his mother 5 mins today before I take her to the terminal.

 

Thoughts?

 

 

.

 

Your mom could very easily call and tell him how hurt she is. I'm not sure it's your place to call and give him crap. Or you close with him and on friendly terms? If so, then say something to him. If not, stay out of it.

[Mittens]

My older brother - the same age as your brother - relationship with our mother has deteriorated over the last couple of years...we live on the other side of the world to her, and neither of us are in the financial position to visit her that often. She has health issues that means she can't travel to see us...

 

Last year my mother got rid of her landline, we can only call her on her mobile phone now. Even with a good plan in place, it's not as cheap as calling her landline was. My brother has a massive mortgage and has now told my mother he won't be calling her on her mobile as he can't afford the calls...the only way he keeps in touch now is by email/text. My mother has only heard from him once this year...

 

He was always pretty bad at keeping in touch. My mother treated his wife pretty badly when they last visited her, and I think that's another reason his contact has lessened.

 

Like others have said, as far as I'm concerned it's none of my business. If he doesn't want to have much of a relationship with her, that's up to him.

 

I'd wait, cool down and then ask your brother is he's okay. There might be a good reason why he didn't want to see her this trip. Even if there isn't, it's still up to him.

[anika99]

Probably, his wife is very 'special'. One day she loves you to death and the next she blocks you and won't talk to you for a year. She's been like this for 25 years so when she's going through a 'down' we don't pay attention to her erratic behavior. When she's not feeling good he will usually come and visit on his own.

 

ahhh...I seem to recall you posting about this brother before except on that thread you said his wife had always been a wonderful warm family member and had only started to be reclusive recently (possibly due to a death in her family? I can't remember) and you determined that she must be depressed.

 

By reading this thread and the other one it really sounds like your brother and his wife are going through something serious but nobody bothers to be concerned about that, they just criticize this somewhat recent change in their behaviour.

 

In any case I wouldn't bother saying anything to him. It's between him and his mother. He isn't going to do anything just because you try to guilt him into it. If you lay a guilt trip on him he will probably pull away even more.

[Gaeta]

Interesting how people tell me to keep out of it and it's between them. My mom told me in a conversation that maybe ME and my other brother could talk to him.

 

 

My mother will never speak to him, she would never rock the boat with him. He's my parent's favorite son, the one that does everything right and never gets critisized e-v-e-r. He's up there on a pedestal. Myself and my 2 other brothers have all made a good life for ourselves but my parents only owned 1 pedestal and he's the one who got it ;-)

 

 

Things have calmed down here. No one is gonna say anything and we'll respect his wish for space. Sometimes I forget I am 52 now and I cannot boss them around like when we were kids.

[fredflint]

My mom told me in a conversation that maybe ME and my other brother could talk to him.

 

Since when is her anguish with her favorite son your problem

[Gaeta]

Since when is her anguish with her favorite son your problem

 

 

Obviously you do not understand *family* the way we live it in my culture.

 

 

It's useless you try to impose on me your vision of it. My mother's anguish is MY anguish. My mother's pain is MY pain. My mother's problem is MY problem.

[d0nnivain]

So have you calmed down enough to speak to your brother without trying to rip his head off through the phone?

 

What was his excuse?

[Gaeta]

So have you calmed down enough to speak to your brother without trying to rip his head off through the phone?

 

What was his excuse?

 

 

Yes I have calmed down and decided to not talk to him again, not yet. I spoke to him a month ago and got nothing out of him just that they were hibernating and waiting for summer.

[Whodatdog]

You are not the boss of him, no matter how you feel how family should be. He made a decision to not visit this time; nothing you do or feel will change that. Its about him. Im sure he had very good reasons, or maybe not good reasons, that he chose not to share. Again, thats up to him. You can't change that. All you can do is control how you react to it. It seems pretty obvious that his situation is more important to him now than a visit was. You might not like it, but thats how it is.

[d0nnivain]

I'm sorry. It's so frustrating when you see family hurting other family for seemingly no good reason. Heaven forbid something happens to your mom, he's probably going to be the one lamenting that there was never enough time. You want to choke them -- get off your tail & make time. Ugh

[stillafool]

Do you think this was all rooted in jealousy because your Mom didn't stay with them like she normally does and he was kinda trying to punish her for it?

[Gaeta]

Do you think this was all rooted in jealousy because your Mom didn't stay with them like she normally does and he was kinda trying to punish her for it?

 

 

No, they did not even invite her to come over for a visit. She contacted them before leaving, when she arrived and several times during her stay here and he never invited her to come over. The one time she invited herself over was last summer and he gave her a: No, sorry not a good time for you to visit. You bet after that she will not invite herself again.

[bathtub-row]

He’s probably having serious marital problems, or something else that he doesn’t want to discuss with anyone. But he shouldn’t have treated his mom that way considering the limited amount of time they see one another.

[Gaeta]

I have just learn that yesterday he did not call our father *happy father's Day* by supper time so our father called him. Dad knew mom didn't get to see him and it bothered him.

 

 

 

Dad told him: Your mom told me she didn't get to see you, something about your wife being on medical leave? (that's what my brother told mom when she was here)

 

 

My brother replied to dad: *No, no one is sick everybody is doing great!*

 

 

We are speechless.

[Lotsgoingon]

Considering that this was strange and unusual behavior, it seems to me that your brother has EARNED goodwill and the right to some privacy and some presumption that he has valid reasons for his absence.

 

My mother was ailing at 87 ... and had to have a heart angioplasty ... which when it doesn't work has to converted to open-heart surgery ... and then a few weeks later she had to undergo a full hip replacement surgery. I lived only three hours from her. I was one of her main medical advisors, and I wanted to see her.

 

There was one problem: my then-wife was suicidally depressed. And my ex was in the middle of her own breast cancer treatment. The breast cancer was known and public. She had double-mastectomy and implants ... only the initial implants weren't the right size, so she had to go in for adjustments. The whole reconstruction-implant process triggered some kind of deep trauma in her and sent her spiraling downward.

 

Well, I will never forget how my sister gave me hell ... On the phone she just chewed me out for how selfish I was and all of that ... and I'm listening to her berate me as I'm about to head out the door with my then wife to the ER for an emergency psychiatric visit.

 

I was not gonna tell my sister or my mother than my wife was suicidal. I felt I owed my wife that privacy and dignity. I didn't want my family to think of her that way. And to be honest, I was embarrassed about my wife's struggles. But I wasn't gonna abandon her in my moment of need ... and my mom, had she known these facts, would have agreed with every one of my decisions--including the decision to not tell her much.

 

My sister was there to see my mom during one surgery and my brother was there to see her during the other surgery. I left that to them. And your mom had you and the other siblings.

 

So the idea that he abandoned mom at some moment of crisis--as if he was leaving her out in the alley to starve--is wildy off base.

 

As other posters have said, there could be marriage problems, like major marriage problems ... like your brother's esteem is in-the-toilet marriage problems. He might have gotten fired at his job ... Might have gotten into embarrassing trouble at his job. Wife might have had an affair that got revealed ... Wife might have gotten some bad health diagnosis that she has sworn him to secrecy on. Wife could be depressed.

 

You literally have no idea ... which is fine ...

 

What's disappointing is you literally have no idea that you have no idea.

 

Worse, you seem to have no desire or curiosity or interest enough in his wellbeing as a human being to have an idea. His role in life is apparently to visit mom when mom's in town.

 

Jeez!

[Gaeta]

Worse, you seem to have no desire or curiosity or interest enough in his wellbeing as a human being to have an idea. His role in life is apparently to visit mom when mom's in town.

 

 

Thank you for your post and I am sorry for your struggles with your wife and your mother.

 

 

 

Our situation is far, but I mean a 1000 miles far away from yours.

 

 

 

* We are talking 10km distance here.

 

 

 

* As per their FB they have friends over and they travel almost each weekend toward a new destination to see her cousins-friends-aunties or to attend some concert and festival. Two week ago they were at Bon jovi. That sounds like someone is having a phychiatric break down or fighting cancer? Nah. Last year she had heart palpitation and she spoke about it none stop to everyone that wanted to listen.

 

 

 

I am 52 years old, I have some judgement and some living in me. I know my siblings, I don't pretend to know them, I do! Like I said we are all very close, we speak on weekly basis, we visit as often, we organize trips together and it's been like that all of our life. I may not know what is going on in their intimicy but I know their character enough, I have seen them through sickness, divorces, financial difficulties, death, and it never broke our connection like this.

[Lotsgoingon]

And yet you have no idea why your brother was absent.

 

So clearly you don't know them.

 

Talking frequently doesn't mean you really know what's going on with people.

 

So according to your theory, your brother just randomly acted bad. FB means nothing ... He might feel comfortable around acquaintances ... The other issue of course is that his wife may have a problem with your mom ... and your brother doesn't want to tell you guys that ...

 

I see why. Lost cause.

 

I'm gonna shut up because your willfulness blindness and cluelessness and your stubborn commitment to cluelessness ... makes me irate just hearing about it.

 

You're right. He's wrong. He's mean. He's bad. No reason. You're better. He's bad. Sorry I misunderstood. No wonder you don't really know what's going on. Why would he dare share anything real with you?

 

There's not a nuanced thought or scintilla of awareness about the possible lives of others in the entirety of your posts here--despite receiving really thoughtful replies. But of course, we're all dumb. We don't get it.

Edited June 20, 2018 by Lotsgoingon

[Miss Clavel]

there are two things that can kill relationships. gossip and criticism.

 

it sounds like both are going on here.

 

you should tell your mother that you can't talk about your brother behind his back and then stop criticizing him to her.

 

if she asks you or shares with you then do what anyone would do. express that you are as equally puzzled as she is.

 

it sounds like he's pulling away. and my hunch is that he's pissed at both his parents because first he can't get off his butt and visit his only mother and then he, what?, forgets it's father's day??

 

something has happened.

 

maybe he found out they changed their will and left him out? maybe his wife has told him it's her or them. maybe someone has gained a ton of weight?

 

maybe, he's done.

 

no matter what the painful reason, it's gotta play out between them.

 

when friends and family start telling me how i should live my life what i hear is, "you should change". and further, "we wish you were different".

 

which kills any feelings i have for anyone. friend or family.

[Gaeta]

 

You're right. He's wrong. He's mean. He's bad. No reason. You're better. He's bad.

 

 

Please point where I said that?

 

All I asked was IF I should speak to my brother about a behavior of his that hur our mother. Did I ever say he's mean, and I am better??

 

I usually enjoy your post but I am disappointed you reverted to putting words into my mouth.

 

 

.

[William]

Thread closed per starter request. Thanks for your comments!