lonleyhusband Posted June 15, 2018 Share Posted June 15, 2018 Hello all, I am a 38 years old male married to a 36-year-old for last 8 years. We knew each ohter before marriage and had long distance relation. Post marriage we did not have a very exited sex life which stated to reduce and has been very occasional may be once a month or even less after our d/o was born 30 months ago I have tried to discuss this with my better half but she seems to keep me as her lowest priority and is not bothered about me, my desires or my feelings any more I feel disconnected from her, rejected and depressed. Please advise how can I cope up with this situation as I don't intend to go on the route of a divorce or extra martial affair as I don't want to set a wrong example for my d/o I am looking for advice from people in similar situation or marriage counsellor which will help me to staty posstive as I pass this phase of life Many thanks in advance Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted June 15, 2018 Share Posted June 15, 2018 Keep talking to her. Do what you can to assure she is not the only one taking care of the house or doing the child rearing. Understand her body changed after the baby & she doesn't feel sexy. Have you tried romancing her . . . . cute love notes, flowers (from the grocery store not a florist), sexting her, drawing her a warm bath, giving her a foot rub etc.? If not, try that. If yes tell her how lonely you are & that it's breaking your heart. Remind her of her vows & ask if she's happy. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted June 15, 2018 Share Posted June 15, 2018 (edited) Welcome to LS.... Primer: One member's sexless marriage Edited June 15, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Fix link Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted June 15, 2018 Share Posted June 15, 2018 There are many causes to a lost libido. Stress, exhaustion, illness, marital issues, meds, body image....just to name a few. How much time have the two of you spent trying to tease out the underlying cause? Try reading Dr Rosie King's book 'Where Did My Libido Go?' Perhaps together you can find some causes. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted June 15, 2018 Share Posted June 15, 2018 (edited) Welcome to LS.... Primer: One member's sexless marriage A bit premature, don't you think? We don't know anything about her health, lifestyle or the state of the marriage. Edited June 15, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Edit link in quote Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted June 15, 2018 Share Posted June 15, 2018 (edited) Nah, excellent opinion and perspective from many long-time and departed members, a number of whom were/are in sexless marriages themselves. We're getting a lot of new members with interesting stories so I'm keeping an eye on that and offering the vast resources of the forum as a start point. Problem? ETA, OP is this mostly about sex or the marriage itself? Edited June 15, 2018 by carhill Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted June 15, 2018 Share Posted June 15, 2018 Nah, excellent opinion and perspective from many long-time and departed members, a number of whom were/are in sexless marriages themselves. We're getting a lot of new members with interesting stories so I'm keeping an eye on that and offering the vast resources of the forum as a start point. Problem? ETA, OP is this mostly about sex or the marriage itself? To be fair, I only read the title of your link and the OP's perspective. If the rest of the post offers more well rounded advice and ideas for proactively addressing the problem, I withdraw my comment. A name change of the link to something less adversarial wouldn't go astray Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted June 15, 2018 Share Posted June 15, 2018 My respect for JamesM plays into that kind of permanent decision, however good suggestion, as the visible title in this thread can be anything. Will fix. Culture may be a factor here as well, so perhaps more information will assist. Hopefully the OP will return and engage. It appears their sex life was normal and satisfying prior to marriage, reduced after and substantially ended after a child was born. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted June 15, 2018 Share Posted June 15, 2018 I feel disconnected from her, rejected and depressed. How is the rest of the marriage? Are either of you affectionate outside the bedroom? Do you spend any time together? Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Maraud3r Posted June 16, 2018 Share Posted June 16, 2018 A bit premature, don't you think? We don't know anything about her health, lifestyle or the state of the marriage. No, not at all. It's a common theme that infidelity and stepping out on the womans side is excused around here within months of not getting laid. While husbands after years or decades are expected to be understanding and accepting. No intimacy means something is deeply wrong with the relationship and how the partners view one another aswell as their feelings for each other. From her simply having no interest in him anymore, to having fallen out of love to getting it somewhere else there is a whole plethora of reasons for this. The marriage however is in almost all cases dead and done. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
tracey86 Posted June 16, 2018 Share Posted June 16, 2018 I suggest you talk openly with your wife. Lack of sex in the marriage is a reflection of issues that have not been dealt with. Intimacy and a bond can be rekindled if you both are willing to work on it. Do the things you used to that made her feel special. Help her around the house. designate time for just you and her. if nothing works then she is just no longer interested. Make sure listen to her meet her needs and she will want to meet yours if she truly loves you. Link to post Share on other sites
central Posted June 16, 2018 Share Posted June 16, 2018 This is a simple problem with a simple solution. Make a concerted effort to communicate how this affects you, and insist on therapy and whatever else you can think of or afford. There are tons of resources to help with this. Then, after 6 months of trying everything, file for divorce. Why? Because everything you try won't work! However, filing for divorce and having her served, may - temporarily - get through to her, so for a very brief time things will improve as she makes a small effort to change your mind. Enjoy the sex, but continue with the divorce because this effort will soon end, and eventually you will be happier with someone else. I've been there, done that. It's very rare for anything else to work. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted June 16, 2018 Share Posted June 16, 2018 From what I've seen you can talk, talk and talk. Read all the books you want and most often nothing's going to change. You can't do a thing about incompatiblity. You either suck it up and live with it, declare an open marriage or file. Your options are very limited. Life is short. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author lonleyhusband Posted June 17, 2018 Author Share Posted June 17, 2018 Keep talking to her. Do what you can to assure she is not the only one taking care of the house or doing the child rearing. Understand her body changed after the baby & she doesn't feel sexy. Have you tried romancing her . . . . cute love notes, flowers (from the grocery store not a florist), sexting her, drawing her a warm bath, giving her a foot rub etc.? If not, try that. If yes tell her how lonely you are & that it's breaking your heart. Remind her of her vows & ask if she's happy. === Many thanks for your suggestion: Well in this case I ahve attempted both the bits as far as I could without the touchy bits like warm bath, foot massage etc am I not allowed by her to do this bits. I have also tried to explain my mind but, I am simply dismissed as she has made up her mind about me that I get upset when we dont have regular intimacy and that is not part of her to do.. Not sure what else I could be missing here that will do the trick for me ... Link to post Share on other sites
Author lonleyhusband Posted June 17, 2018 Author Share Posted June 17, 2018 There are many causes to a lost libido. Stress, exhaustion, illness, marital issues, meds, body image....just to name a few. How much time have the two of you spent trying to tease out the underlying cause? Try reading Dr Rosie King's book 'Where Did My Libido Go?' Perhaps together you can find some causes. === Hi Basil, Many thanks for the suggestion, I will try to get the book and pursuade my better half to read or atleast read it by myself to see if I could make things work with a slightly diffrent to save my marriage atleast for the sake of my lovely D/O Link to post Share on other sites
Author lonleyhusband Posted June 17, 2018 Author Share Posted June 17, 2018 My respect for JamesM plays into that kind of permanent decision, however good suggestion, as the visible title in this thread can be anything. Will fix. Culture may be a factor here as well, so perhaps more information will assist. Hopefully the OP will return and engage. It appears their sex life was normal and satisfying prior to marriage, reduced after and substantially ended after a child was born. ==== @Carhill , I have seen some advices provied in JamesM and agree with going out of marraige is a big no for me as I would not feel good about such things in my self W.R.T sex before marraige was not there excpet some ocassional fondling and cuddles. Sex after marriage was not great either 15 - 20 minute maximum dude get your bit doene and off you go, the baby happned because of parential pressure. Post baby its at the bottom of to do list which never seems to get its turn I have tried to have quite a frank discussion and she has pormised after each of these sessions to keep be more respectfull, keen and initmate towards me but all is temporary (I get one or two oppurtinly of 15- 20 mins of intimacy)and thing go back to where they were in couple of weeks Link to post Share on other sites
Author lonleyhusband Posted June 17, 2018 Author Share Posted June 17, 2018 How is the rest of the marriage? Are either of you affectionate outside the bedroom? Do you spend any time together? Mr. Lucky Well marraige outside the bedroom is also not that great, I could make it great if I was to put my logical brain in the bin and keep on going round and round in cricles on her will and wishes I have tried to spend time with her but she seems to be quite lost within her self Link to post Share on other sites
Maraud3r Posted June 18, 2018 Share Posted June 18, 2018 Well in this case I ahve attempted both the bits as far as I could without the touchy bits like warm bath, foot massage etc am I not allowed by her to do this bits. So, basically she doesn't even want you to touch her anymore? That alone should tell you all you need to know. I am simply dismissed as she has made up her mind about me that I get upset when we dont have regular intimacy and that is not part of her to do.. Oh she certainly made up her mind. She doesn't want to be intimate with you, she doesn't want to touch you, she doesn't even want to talk to you anymore. It's almost as if there is a pattern here. Not sure what else I could be missing here that will do the trick for me ... A divorce. A divorce definitely would do the trick. From the way she acts it doesn't seem like she's in love with you anymore. Heck it seems she can barely stand being touched by you. That alone should make you question the entire thing. Because at that point it's not that she doesn't have these desires anymore, it's that she doesn't have them anymore for you! Has she been out a lot, did she meet with other guys? my better half You do realize she likely isn't "your" other half anymore and you viewing her as "the better" despite her treatment of you might actually have helped to cause the problems you are facing or made them worse. From what you told us she doesn't even want to be touched by you anymore. ==== @Carhill , I have seen some advices provied in JamesM and agree with going out of marraige is a big no for me as I would not feel good about such things in my self Let's hope you aren't the only one who feels this way. Well marraige outside the bedroom is also not that great -She doesn't want you to touch her. -She doesn't want to be intimate with you whether sexual or not. -She doesn't seem to be interested in talking to you. -She doesn't seem to want to spend time with you. Of course your marriage isn't great. You're basically the only one in it. I could make it great if I was to put my logical brain in the bin and keep on going round and round in cricles on her will and wishes You aren't being logical. Her wishes seem prety damn clear. Not to be married to you beyond the marriage certificate and possible wealth concerns. I have tried to spend time with her but she seems to be quite lost within her self Well of course, you're forcing her to spend time with a person she doesn't want to spend time with but has to anyway. What else would you expect? Link to post Share on other sites
Author lonleyhusband Posted June 19, 2018 Author Share Posted June 19, 2018 So, basically she doesn't even want you to touch her anymore? That alone should tell you all you need to know. Oh she certainly made up her mind. She doesn't want to be intimate with you, she doesn't want to touch you, she doesn't even want to talk to you anymore. It's almost as if there is a pattern here. A divorce. A divorce definitely would do the trick. From the way she acts it doesn't seem like she's in love with you anymore. Heck it seems she can barely stand being touched by you. That alone should make you question the entire thing. Because at that point it's not that she doesn't have these desires anymore, it's that she doesn't have them anymore for you! Has she been out a lot, did she meet with other guys? You do realize she likely isn't "your" other half anymore and you viewing her as "the better" despite her treatment of you might actually have helped to cause the problems you are facing or made them worse. From what you told us she doesn't even want to be touched by you anymore. Let's hope you aren't the only one who feels this way. -She doesn't want you to touch her. -She doesn't want to be intimate with you whether sexual or not. -She doesn't seem to be interested in talking to you. -She doesn't seem to want to spend time with you. Of course your marriage isn't great. You're basically the only one in it. You aren't being logical. Her wishes seem prety damn clear. Not to be married to you beyond the marriage certificate and possible wealth concerns. Well of course, you're forcing her to spend time with a person she doesn't want to spend time with but has to anyway. What else would you expect? @Maraud3r Again many thanks for you advice, you may be correct I was not able to judge that its only me driving the marriage and once I stopped doing the repeated course correciton things have gone for a toss We are going though a formal relationship consulting with relate I will pick this up and may be in couple of session things will be much more clear in this drection will keep the forum posted unitl than many thanks to eveyone Link to post Share on other sites
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