Not sure if I want to get back with my husband much less talk to him

[MissCongeniality]

So been a while a since I posted on here. My husband lost his job and developed a drinking problem and I've discussed this on here before but my husband when I confronted him about his drinking said I was the worst thing that ever happened to him and he hit me. What I didn't mention was why he hit me.

 

 

I'll summarize I was a single mom barely scraping by I also had bad role models. I didn't love my husband in the beginning and I also lost everything when my secrets came out. I had to support him and I think he was just putting on a brave face or whatever didn't want me to know how he was really hurting.

 

 

Long story short he was struggling with a lot of things and then he ran into a old flame this is the part I haven't mentioned. My husband was in love with another woman not me when we first met and I needed her out of the way and I'm ashamed of how I was back then I really am. I found out she was an illegal and I anonymously reported her.

 

 

She eventually got a US citizenship and is now a legal citizen but it kept them apart long enough for me to make my move. I confessed when I saw how heartbroken he was and how much he missed her I told him if he wanted a divorce I'd understand and I'd even help him fix things with her and then he hit me.

 

 

That's the full story of what happened. I moved out with the kids not feeling safe over time I convinced him to at least let me move back in with the kids and I asked him to move out. I probably had it coming but I don't like that he just hit me and he I think even though he regrets it I think he partly felt justified and that's why I'm hesitant to reconcile with him because if it happened once it could happen again.

 

 

I also feel like I need to tell her he hit me because I know he's still reconnecting but I'm starting to worry even though he's in AA his drinking has let out some dark part of him. I know I'm being dramatic but it feels like some dark part of him broke free. I also want to apologize to her and ask for forgiveness.

 

 

However my husband keeps saying he wants to reconcile and I am too afraid to even be alone with him. I just I've been abused my whole life and maybe it's my instincts from a lifetime of abuse but every part of me is saying add triple locks and hide from him.

 

 

I've barely even spoken to him.

[stillafool]

You certainly don't have to take him back or see him. You are correct that if they hit you once it could happen again. You said you weren't in love with him so why are you upset? He can't make you take him back.

[MissCongeniality]

You certainly don't have to take him back or see him. You are correct that if they hit you once it could happen again. You said you weren't in love with him so why are you upset? He can't make you take him back.

I wasn't in love with him in the beginning but I did fall for him over time.

[Maraud3r]

I wasn't in love with him in the beginning but I did fall for him over time.

Then leave him alone. No seriously. When you talked about his drinking problems and hitting you I thought you should leave him. When you started listing all the stuff you did up untill that point I was convinced that he should leave you aswell.

 

Hitting you isn't excuseable by any means, it shouldn't have happened even if she was depressed, had a drinking problem and with your history. But when he accused you of having been the worst thing that happened to him, that might actually be true. Let me sum this up so I get this right:

 

- You admit you were (are) a single mother

- You admit you were barely making ends meet

- You blame this on other people

- You did not love your husband and married him for the money/support?

- You feel YOU LOST when things came out

- You reported the woman your husband loved to the authorities to get her out of the way of your then meal ticket

- You actively seperated them

- You confess and stuff breaks down (he hit you)

- You move out because you don't feel safe. Which while reasonable, neither should he. Your entire behaviour screams dangerous.

- You move back in, then try to evict him

- You feel it can happen again, I agree. Given you haven't changed a lick either, there's no reason why other people should.

- You turn vengeful and want to sour his relationship with the other woman, why? This certainly isn't to warn her. It's about you blaming him and getting back at him.

- You wanting to "apologize" is also about you. It's making you feel better.

 

Here's the thing. You don't have to reconcile. You don't have to speak to him. You don't have to take him back. Heck you'd likely do him a favour if you didn't. The whole "dangerous", "abuse" and "dark part" seem like projection. Given all the things you've done, given what you did to other people, how you manipulated them and how little reflection there seems to be on your part you're coming off as pretty darn dangerous.