Going through a Crisis Today

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I don’t know why, I don’t know what and I don’t know how, but, today after about 2 years, I’m ruminating about my relationship with my ex, chuckling from time to time when I think of a funny experience we had together or an inside joke and I can’t stop thinking about it. My brain is constantly preoccupied with her and the good times we had together. I’m walking around dazed, with a long face as though it’s all fresh, as though it happened just a week ago.

 

I feel miserable. I keep thinking, there’s no point in trying to date anyone because I’ll never meet someone like her. Sure, I’m suppressing the negative experiences and feelings from that relationship, but I feel a major setback today.

 

Perhaps it was that thread about age and relationships that set me back a little and got the proverbial ball rolling.

 

But for the life of me, I think of all the fun we had and it makes me so so sad. I’m not alone, but I feel lonely. And although I have friends I no longer enjoy going out.

[alphamale]

take joy in the people around you and your family and then open up a new OLD account

[Happy Lemming]

When I'm feeling down, I wander down to my local pub and get myself a nice steak (medium-rare) and a pint of Guinness. I take myself out, by myself.

 

You don't have to talk to anyone or socialize if you don't want to, just treat yourself to something that will bring you some temporary joy.

 

Tomorrow will be a better day!!

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I want to wake up feeling much better in the morning.

 

The problem is that IÂ’ve lost the joy and interest in a lot of things I used to do.

 

I feel emotionally numb as though every day is Groundhog Day. So I walk through life waiting for something good to happen because I’ve tried to be proactive and create that “good”. But I haven’t been successful. It’s emotionally draining.

 

Anyway, tomorrow is another day. And I hope these feelings will fade a little.

 

IÂ’m so careful not to jump into just any relationship because the grief after the breakup is all too consuming and tiring and a waste of time.

 

The greatest mistake I made in my last relationship was that I stuck around thinking things were going to get better. They only got worse.

 

Next time, at the first sign of trouble, the tiniest of red flags, IÂ’m walking away. Perhaps thatÂ’s why women around here are soooo picky. They donÂ’t want to put themselves out there only to have their hearts broken.

 

I later tried to make sense of it all, to understand what she was about. I needed closure. I read books about narcissists, about manipulation and trust.

 

It gave me hope that, while I could have modified my behavior to change a few things, in the long run, sooner or later, her deep rooted character flaws were bound to destroy the relationship. It wasnÂ’t sustainable.

 

One day you’re on top of the world, your heart’s filled with joy, a few months later, you’re asking yourself, “Did I cause this toxic behavior? Or was it in her this entire time and she simply took the mask off to reveal her true self?

 

The person who stood in front of me was a narcissist who was reckless with my emotions and pulled on my heart strings. Even now, I wanted to describe her as a monster, but I deleted that. Mostly out of guilt for all those sporadic good memories.

 

ItÂ’s a lot to take in, a tremendous shock to oneÂ’s system. Who IS this person?

 

Sorry about the long post. I just needed to vent a little. I feel that putting my thoughts in writing sometimes makes it easier to move on.

 

So thank you for reading and being supportive.