I dont believe in giving up

[fredflint]

i lost my gf years ago and i never gave and i got her back

the reason why we arnt talking right now is because we got into a huge fight.

the thing i learned about women. is that they all seem to follow a similar pattern, theyll be wild and crazy and then meet a guy and stick with him for a few years , then they start getting relationship anxiety and cold feet, n they jump ship usualy for someone else or to just be alone.

 

i warn you, i went threw 6 months of agony, basically being a door matt, saftey blanket. picking up bread crumbs every week, being ignored when she would be the one who text me first, then id reply n get nothing, anyone would think that only a retard would do that, but when you in love, youll do anything n so i did. i was always there and n ever judged, n i got her back. and i couldnt believe because i thought it was like reviving the dead.i put aside everything mean she did and she was doing and let it go, i put her first, and if you want her , then you need to do that.

 

im not in a different situation. were i made a mistake. but i know in my heart i got her back when it seemed impossible, i know i can save my relationship again. if you need more advice just ask good luck

 

If you pursued I believe you reduced your chances of getting her back by your actions, and if she came back then, she was always coming back anyway, but if you were there for her in a caring way (ie didnt' block her, but left her to come to you when she was ready) that probably helped.

Edited June 16, 2018 by fredflint

[JayHarris]

But going NC after a shorter relationship will result in her 100% moving on for good, right? I've heard many successful stories of NC in long relationships or at least seen where the ex did reach out. Don't dumpers move on faster from shorter relationships, especially if their friend group is so jealous of the fact that she spends more time with me that they're putting all these toxic thoughts in her head?

[fredflint]

But going NC after a shorter relationship will result in her 100% moving on for good, right?

 

Her moving on is maybe 90% likely, I estimate right now. If you pursue her, chase her needily and don't respect her wishes for space, you likely push that up to around 95-99.9%. So basically in my estimation you're giving up a roughly 5-10% chance of getting her back by chasing her. Not that you should really want her back that much anyway, as other posters have said.

 

I've heard many successful stories of NC in long relationships or at least seen where the ex did reach out. Don't dumpers move on faster from shorter relationships, especially if their friend group is so jealous of the fact that she spends more time with me that they're putting all these toxic thoughts in her head?

 

Yes dumpers move on faster from shorter relationships. If you were in a long term relationship with her the numbers above might be something like 60% chance of losing her and 90% if you pursue. That still doesn't make it a good move in a short term relationship.

Edited June 16, 2018 by fredflint

[overcome]

But going NC after a shorter relationship will result in her 100% moving on for good, right? I've heard many successful stories of NC in long relationships or at least seen where the ex did reach out. Don't dumpers move on faster from shorter relationships, especially if their friend group is so jealous of the fact that she spends more time with me that they're putting all these toxic thoughts in her head?

 

 

Hi Jay,

 

I understand you want her back. Any guy or gal who's been kicked to the curb wants to fill that void. The problem is that you can't really be objective when you're the one who is on the the curb. You can't see what's best, follow advice that's best for you...etc.

 

No one really knows what will happen if you don't give up and put 100% of your effort into trying to get this woman back. But I have to agree with the advice that has been given to you so far. You should give her space. You should go NC. I honestly believe that when a person's interest level has dropped below 50%, you're fighting an uphill battle and most likely will not win.

 

NC doesn't mean there's a 100% chance she will think you've moved on. NC is actually for your benefit. It is a time for you to reflect on yourself, to better yourself. I believe that NC will only help you move on and if your goal is to get her to come sniffing around again, this will be the best move you can make.

 

I have no doubt you've made the effort to show her how much you care. She knows. This will only push her further away in my opinion. It's hard (damn hard) but you have to accept the truth that she may have already moved on. If she has, there's nothing you can do except get back to focusing on you. The sooner you start living your life with NC, the sooner you will start to heal.

 

Some battles just cannot be won. It's best to remember that when we are in mourning.

[JayHarris]

You all make great points, I am just struggling. She asked me out, she would take anxiety pills to see me because she was so excited, she would text me 24-7, she’d wake me up at midnight crying wanting to come over and sleep with me, she had such a heavy presence in my life and a deep love for me. She’d visit me on every lunch break, she’d dream about the future with me, etc. it was a short relationship but I feel like we were never apart once. She just had such a heavy, strong presence. It was a kind of love I’ve never come close to experiencing. I know she has feelings for me still and feel like she is confused. We hiked together and had been planning a trip to carowinds for fun. She said after the breakup, I can text her with any questions at any time and she’d love to try to be friends. She hasn’t texted me first in two weeks....I texted her a week ago about a serious matter because it involved a mutual friend being deathly ill. We talked a bit and wished each other a good night and that’s the last contact. Man, it’s hard because I know she loved me a lot. I think she got scared to ask me to change a couple things and ran. Maybe I could ask her to go hiking or go to carowinds and just have a fun time together. I don’t want to lose her and I do believe I can show her again why she fell in love with me.

[fredflint]

You all make great points, I am just struggling. She asked me out, she would take anxiety pills to see me because she was so excited, she would text me 24-7, she’d wake me up at midnight crying wanting to come over and sleep with me, she had such a heavy presence in my life and a deep love for me. She’d visit me on every lunch break, she’d dream about the future with me, etc. it was a short relationship but I feel like we were never apart once. She just had such a heavy, strong presence. It was a kind of love I’ve never come close to experiencing. I know she has feelings for me still and feel like she is confused. We hiked together and had been planning a trip to carowinds for fun. She said after the breakup, I can text her with any questions at any time and she’d love to try to be friends. She hasn’t texted me first in two weeks....I texted her a week ago about a serious matter because it involved a mutual friend being deathly ill. We talked a bit and wished each other a good night and that’s the last contact. Man, it’s hard because I know she loved me a lot. I think she got scared to ask me to change a couple things and ran. Maybe I could ask her to go hiking or go to carowinds and just have a fun time together. I don’t want to lose her and I do believe I can show her again why she fell in love with me.

 

She decided that there was enough wrong with you that it warranted breaking your heart. Let that sink in. The only other alternative is that she found someone else she likes more than you.

[overcome]

Hey Jay,

 

I get it. I really do. Remind me, why did you two break-up?

 

I don't doubt that she has feelings for you/cares. But sometimes we just have to accept the reality of the situation. Whatever the reason, it is what it is. I've learned that the only thing that matters when a relationship ends and you're the one holding the short end of the stick, is to try and take something from that relationship. For example, my relationship with a girl just ended a few days ago. I knew something was wrong even though we were still going out, holding hands, showing affection for each other...etc. But something was wrong. I called her on it. She told me I was too negative, I don't follow through on things...basically a bunch of things that I thought was bull****. Things ended pretty ****ty so I asked if I could call her and she said yes. I wanted to end things properly, even if it was over the phone. She told me she was depressed, did not like herself. In other words, it's not you, it's me line.

 

I realized that her telling me this didn't matter. I was still going to be sad. I was still going to be hurt. But what I could do is think about the relationship and the things she told me she saw in me that I didn't see. I am negative at times and maybe too often. I don't always follow through with what I say. I think these were the true issues but again, it doesn't matter if these were the real reasons why she lost interest or not.

 

The relationship is over and the longer I dwell on it, the longer it will take for me to heal. I can take what I learned and apply it to myself so that I'm a better person in the next relationship because you know what? There will be another relationship with another girl.

 

I purged everything about her. Phone number, texts, photos, gifts she got me, social media. Everything. It is what you need to do to move on and heal.

 

If you choose to live in the past, your future will always be the present. And if you're hurting, that will be your life for the time being.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I don’t want to lose her and I do believe I can show her again why she fell in love with me.

 

Maybe one of your faults is that you don't believe she possesses good enough judgment to know what is best for HER life. You don't get to make these decisions for her. It's her life. This is not all about you and what you want. She's told you what she wants, so believe her and stop believing YOU know what's best for her.

[JayHarris]

Ok, i will leave her alone. if she would have said she ended it due some huge personality flaw or something unfixable, this would have been so much easier to accept. Her reasons were so small and easily fixable so this is why I feel so bad. I told her they were fixable and she said she didn’t want either of us to have to change and when she realized one of us would have to change, she ended it. She said change leads to resentment. Such a soft way to end it and I do believe her reasons are true. I would have easily changed the issues and never resented her. Why couldn’t she just say she deep down didn’t like me or fell out of love with me? Something big....oh well. She never communication anything bothering her or gave me a chance to try to solve anything bothering her. The worst possible break up.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I would have easily changed the issues and never resented her.

 

What were the issues?

[fredflint]

Ok, i will leave her alone. if she would have said she ended it due some huge personality flaw or something unfixable, this would have been so much easier to accept. Her reasons were so small and easily fixable so this is why I feel so bad. I told her they were fixable and she said she didn’t want either of us to have to change and when she realized one of us would have to change, she ended it. She said change leads to resentment. Such a soft way to end it and I do believe her reasons are true. I would have easily changed the issues and never resented her. Why couldn’t she just say she deep down didn’t like me or fell out of love with me? Something big....oh well. She never communication anything bothering her or gave me a chance to try to solve anything bothering her. The worst possible break up.

 

Quite often during breakups people give a whole bunch of excuses and half truths. What she told you might have been true, but she almost certainly minimized it in order to protect your feelings and to help avoid you lashing out.

 

It's not consistent for her reasons to be small on the one hand, and for her to also feel that it would involve changing your personality. Changing your personality is (almost by definition) a large change.

 

What likely happened was that she felt you would have to change too much for her to be happy with you. She is almost certainly right about that, so my advice is for you to let her go and find someone who appreciates you.

[JayHarris]

What were the issues?

 

She had really bad ocd and never had animals in her house growing up. I have two big rescue dogs that shed a lot and are inside all day due to my living arrangement. She said she felt like she was down dressing every time she came to see me because she didn’t want hair on specific clothes. I recognized this as a temporary problem because I was striving for a house with a backyard for the dogs so they could be outside most of the day. She also said she liked routine. Going to bed early, waking up early. I do the opposite. Again, I recognized this as fixable because I only stayed up late with her bc I enjoyed her company and thought she liked staying up late too because we were having fun. These were easy fixes that could have easily been worked out imo.

[fredflint]

She had really bad ocd and never had animals in her house growing up. I have two big rescue dogs that shed a lot and are inside all day due to my living arrangement. She said she felt like she was down dressing every time she came to see me because she didn’t want hair on specific clothes. I recognized this as a temporary problem because I was striving for a house with a backyard for the dogs so they could be outside most of the day. She also said she liked routine. Going to bed early, waking up early. I do the opposite. Again, I recognized this as fixable because I only stayed up late with her bc I enjoyed her company and thought she liked staying up late too because we were having fun. These were easy fixes that could have easily been worked out imo.

 

But what if she doesn't want to live with dogs at all? How would you have fixed that?

[JayHarris]

But what if she doesn't want to live with dogs at all? How would you have fixed that?

 

I told her I’d let my parents watch them. They have a huge backyard and my dad really misses the company of dogs. I love them to death but it would have given them and my dad a better life while pleasing someone I love.

[JayHarris]

But what if she doesn't want to live with dogs at all? How would you have fixed that?

 

And before we started dating, she was well aware I had dogs and pushed the relationship to serious status. Maybe there was a deeper reason but she has always prided herself on honesty. I mean, she couldn’t even lie to me about what she ate when we were dieting. She broke down about having a piece of cake and I couldn’t believe a small lie like that bothered her so much. So I believe the reasons but they were so dang fixable.

[fredflint]

And before we started dating, she was well aware I had dogs and pushed the relationship to serious status. Maybe there was a deeper reason but she has always prided herself on honesty. I mean, she couldn’t even lie to me about what she ate when we were dieting. She broke down about having a piece of cake and I couldn’t believe a small lie like that bothered her so much. So I believe the reasons but they were so dang fixable.

 

Here's the thing. She can't ask or expect you to give your dogs to your father, and she wouldn't want you to make such a big change for her anyway. How can she respect someone who would give up his dogs for her? It's almost like being willing to give up your kids for someone.... a lot of people would fundamentally question that.

 

You're kind of caught between a rock and a hard place here with the dog issue. She clearly wasn't happy with living with the dogs. And anyone who's willing to deny their own identity and values to the extent that you are, by giving care of the dogs away, is going to make her question your ability to stand for your own values in the face of threats and temptations elsewhere in your life.

 

In effect your love for her didn't appear noble and giving, it appeared weak and lacking character and likely caused her to lose trust in you. The better response to her would have been, no I can't give up the dogs and I understand if this doesn't work for you. She would likely have respected that answer far more.

[JayHarris]

:sigh: you all are right. This is showing me I am not meant for love because I can’t handle the risk of it ending. Team single 4 life

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

She had really bad ocd and never had animals in her house growing up. I have two big rescue dogs that shed a lot and are inside all day due to my living arrangement. She said she felt like she was down dressing every time she came to see me because she didn’t want hair on specific clothes. I recognized this as a temporary problem because I was striving for a house with a backyard for the dogs so they could be outside most of the day. She also said she liked routine. Going to bed early, waking up early. I do the opposite. Again, I recognized this as fixable because I only stayed up late with her bc I enjoyed her company and thought she liked staying up late too because we were having fun. These were easy fixes that could have easily been worked out imo.

 

It's possible (maybe even probable) that she's looking at this from a broader perspective. She's seeing the big picture and these are just two examples of how the two of you may be fundamentally different.

 

You don't mind dog hair. This probably means you're less picky about overall household cleanliness than she is. She has OCD so she may be the type that needs a floor that's mopped daily and virtually no clutter or dust around.

 

You are a night owl and she keeps a pretty strict sleep schedule and routine. This also can speak to big differences in the way you live your lives. You may be more spontaneous and she plans everything out to the T. It could stress her out to be with someone who is not as regimented as her.

 

She's smart enough to know these are not "little issues" that can be solved by you giving away your dogs and going to bed earlier. An argument can be made for opposites attracting and two people complementing one another, but it sounds like that is not what SHE wants in a partner.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

:sigh: you all are right. This is showing me I am not meant for love because I can’t handle the risk of it ending. Team single 4 life

 

Well, there's no reason for this pity party.....

 

How old are you two and how long were you dating her?

[preraph]

Jay, she's probably not suitable for anyone. If you can't love dogs, you can't love anyone. They're the easiest thing in the world to love. You must be a sucker for punishment wanting to live with someone that OCD. It would never end, the pick, pick, tiring exhausting cycle of her dealing with her OCD. If you ask me, you are lucky you got out of this so easily.

[JayHarris]

It's possible (maybe even probable) that she's looking at this from a broader perspective. She's seeing the big picture and these are just two examples of how the two of you may be fundamentally different.

 

You don't mind dog hair. This probably means you're less picky about overall household cleanliness than she is. She has OCD so she may be the type that needs a floor that's mopped daily and virtually no clutter or dust around.

 

You are a night owl and she keeps a pretty strict sleep schedule and routine. This also can speak to big differences in the way you live your lives. You may be more spontaneous and she plans everything out to the T. It could stress her out to be with someone who is not as regimented as her.

 

She's smart enough to know these are not "little issues" that can be solved by you giving away your dogs and going to bed earlier. An argument can be made for opposites attracting and two people complementing one another, but it sounds like that is not what SHE wants in a partner.

 

Good points. It makes me bitter because she complained about her last BF all the time. He would cheat on her, text girls behind her back, facebook girls, and never cleaned up after himself.

 

She dumped him after 2 years.

 

I was bragged about treating her great and being the greatest guy she's ever encountered and I couldn't even make it 8 months.

 

Maybe I wasn't challenging enough and saying I'd easily adjust myself for her annoyed her and did cause her to lose respect. She said the last guy she dated was so prideful and argued everything yet it appears she tried much harder to work it out with him.

 

 

Don't you think it'll be hard for her to find a long term relationship in the future if things have to be so perfectly? No dogs eliminates a lot of guys, perfect routine/schedule is hard to match with any other person you meet, and her OCD habits(didn't bother me) might end up causing a guy to get annoyed with her. I don't know. I'm not rooting for her to be miserable but she seems like a tough match up for most guys.

 

She was 34, I am 27. For the first month we dated, the age gap kind of bothered me and then I got completely over it and realized how silly it is to worry about age if you like someone. Maybe she wants a more mature guy around her age, Idk. That's what I liked about her. I liked the maturity and wisdom about her.

 

Things weren't perfect for me. She did some things that annoyed me but I wasn't in it for perfection. I loved her as a person and her qualities and easily looked past any minor flaws. I guess it wasn't as easy for her to look past my flaws.

Edited June 16, 2018 by JayHarris

[Marc878]

She's not your problem anymore.

 

You learn a lot from these issues which will make you wiser, more mature and complete. If you can learn and apply them.

 

Time and distance will bring more clarity.

 

You'll be fine.

[JayHarris]

Well, there's no reason for this pity party.....

 

How old are you two and how long were you dating her?

 

Yeah, that was a weak comment by me. I'm just being dramatic.

 

I'm 27, she was 34. 7 months together, though the first 3 were very slow. The last 4 were intense and we virtually spent all of our free time together and when we weren't together, she blew up my phone constantly. She once called me crying her eyes out about how she missed me because I was gone for 3 days to visit my parents and now has no desire to text me. It's crazy how things in life change.

[littleblackheart]

Jay, is that the same girl currently in remission after battling cancer just 2 short months before you met, and is in financial difficulties?

 

If so, it's not just the dogs or the OCD - the timing for you two is off. She offered you friendship and clearly stated she wants nothing more. There is nothing you can do other than accept her decision.

[JayHarris]

Jay, is that the same girl currently in remission after battling cancer just 2 short months before you met, and is in financial difficulties?

 

If so, it's not just the dogs or the OCD - the timing for you two is off. She offered you friendship and clearly stated she wants nothing more. There is nothing you can do other than accept her decision.

 

She offered friendship but I don't believe she meant it.

 

I'd love to be friends but I think it was dumper's guilt that caused her to offer it. She pursued me hard when we first met and we had a tiny window of just being friends before she wanted to date me. So weve really only hungout as a couple. She has recovered from the cancer but had to file bankruptcy.

 

I'm afraid that I'll piss her off or annoy her if I keep trying to contact her as friends. This is a unique situation. In most cases, you move on to heal and stay away from the dumper but I really care about her as a person and would love to just be friends because she could use some positive support in her life with all the crap she's experienced and we could have a lot of fun together with us both loving the outdoors and adventures.

 

I just think she only offered it because I was hurting and she felt guilty. I feel like she's hoping I just quietly go away for good...Idk. A week after the breakup, she initiated contact 4 days in a row. I replied and was pleasant, and we met up to exchange personal things. I texted her a week later about a work subject, she replied the next day. Then I texted her last Saturday about a mutual friend and she replied to that but no initiation of contact on her side since the end of May.