I dont believe in giving up

[SpecialJ]

Hi Jay, I'm trying to private message you about this, because my reply got so long and I didn't want to derail the thread, but I think you need to make 50 posts to unlock the ability to receive messages.

[JayHarris]

Hi Jay, I'm trying to private message you about this, because my reply got so long and I didn't want to derail the thread, but I think you need to make 50 posts to unlock the ability to receive messages.

 

Share it here. I won't mind and I don't think other posters will mind either since I started the thread.

[JayHarris]

And I apologize for acting like I am the only one with issues by blowing this thread up. Just know my venting here is the only thing keeping me sane and preventing me from reaching out to my ex. So thankful for this forum and the posters here.

[OngoingThoughts]

Jay you're not alone. My ex broke up with me a month ago after 1 year. I can relate very well to your feelings. Pretty much all you describe in your posts are my thoughts and feels. I also thought that if I showed her I was in 100% and could change and fix the little things we argued about, she would take me back. The difference is that she and I are still in contact, but honestly: me giving 100% hasn't made a difference because she is still doubting wether or not we deserve a second chance. I am waiting for texts all the time hoping she wants to see me but not wanting to push it. It's killing me.

Right now I am lowering my contact and let her intiate contact. Because I feel like I am the only one trying rn. If things don't change soon and she keeps giving me breadcrums I will initiate NC because these push and pull games are making me feel like an emotional wreck.

So I'm not sure if I am actually better off than you are. At least you can start your healing process now and I'm still stuck.

I know I have to make a change to heal myself and I'm working on it by not reaching out anymore. The next step will be NC.

Edited June 20, 2018 by OngoingThoughts

[Mac0908]

Going NC is the most spineless, heartless, cowardly, selfish, and self-centered thing a person can do in the aftermath of a relationship. You're telling them they're less important to you than a stranger and telling yourself you're such a brainless idiot that you once loved this person whom you're trying to treat like less than dirt. NC only works because you break your own heart so badly that you eventually get tired of being broken hearted and move on.

 

It's a strategy for people who will never be in a lasting relationship and will pretend to be relationship experts on sites like these. Sorry if that offends anybody. NC is strictly for the weak.

 

Lol. You don't get it, and that's ok. One day you will.

 

 

I won't lie. Deep down, I want the Bday text to show she actually gives a **** about me but I know if I don't get it that I have no choice but to give up on her ever contacting me again.

 

Come ON, man. It's a shame you'd even admit that here in this thread. You want her to show she actually gives a sh-t? How about the fact that she dumped you like you were trash almost out of nowhere after a wonderful relationship? That didn't already show you everything you need to know? You need to understand she didn't yell at you, say she needs a couple days break, etc. She DUMPED you. Communicated that she no longer wants you in your life. Harsh to understand, I know, but it's reality.

Edited June 20, 2018 by Mac0908

[JayHarris]

Lol. You don't get it, and that's ok. One day you will.

 

 

 

Come ON, man. It's a shame you'd even admit that here in this thread. You want her to show she actually gives a sh-t? How about the fact that she dumped you like you were trash almost out of nowhere after a wonderful relationship? That didn't already show you everything you need to know? You need to understand she didn't yell at you, say she needs a couple days break, etc. She DUMPED you. Communicated that she no longer wants you in your life. Harsh to understand, I know, but it's reality.

 

Would you rather I lie? As I've said before, the part that bothers me the most is how someone can just remove you from their life forever. It really makes you feel worthless at the end of the day. She communicated she never wanted me as her boyfriend again after the breakup but made clear that she'd be happy to be friends after the breakup and stay in contact. I know how toxic being friends with an ex can be but i'd be lying if I said it wouldn't feel good to know she cares even a little bit about me. I can't help it. I'm a complete softie. I don't hold grudges and have always seen the best in people. Maybe that's why I'm single, I appear to have no backbone.

Edited June 21, 2018 by JayHarris

[bathtub-row]

Would you rather I lie? As I've said before, the part that bothers me the most is how someone can just remove you from their life forever. It really makes you feel worthless at the end of the day. She communicated she never wanted me as her boyfriend again after the breakup but made clear that she'd be happy to be friends after the breakup and stay in contact. I know how toxic being friends with an ex can be but i'd be lying if I said it wouldn't feel good to know she cares even a little bit about me. I can't help it. I'm a complete softie. I don't hold grudges and have always seen the best in people. Maybe that's why I'm single, I appear to have no backbone.

 

Jay, I think the poster was actually commenting on someone else's post when they stated that going NC is spineless. I don't think Mac0908's words were directed at you.

 

What bothers me the most with your situation is that your ex didn't even give you a chance to make things right; didn't even discuss it with you. That seems so heartless to me. And, yes, cutting you out of her life so abruptly is pretty extreme. I don't know -- whenever I've ever ended things with a person, they've always been able to converse with me afterwards, now that I think about it. And they were never blindsided. I think there's just something imbalanced about this person you were with.

[JayHarris]

Jay, I think the poster was actually commenting on someone else's post when they stated that going NC is spineless. I don't think Mac0908's words were directed at you.

 

What bothers me the most with your situation is that your ex didn't even give you a chance to make things right; didn't even discuss it with you. That seems so heartless to me. And, yes, cutting you out of her life so abruptly is pretty extreme. I don't know -- whenever I've ever ended things with a person, they've always been able to converse with me afterwards, now that I think about it. And they were never blindsided. I think there's just something imbalanced about this person you were with.

 

Yeah, it is pretty mean. Never sat me down, never called and discussed things, just decided it's over. She said she fought internally about it for a week and decided it just wouldn't work out. She got mad when I said she blindsided me and said "I didn't make this decision over night, I've been thinking about us for a week or two and have been up and down." That annoyed me. Yeah, YOU'VE been thinking about it, but you've never discussed any of your thoughts with me. It's been about two weeks since she contacted me now and I'm starting to think she'll never contact me again. Just amazing how badly people can treat those who were so nice to you. I just can't imagine her having much success in future relationships.

[bathtub-row]

I don't know if she'll contact you again or not. Time will tell.

[overcome]

Would you rather I lie? As I've said before, the part that bothers me the most is how someone can just remove you from their life forever. It really makes you feel worthless at the end of the day. She communicated she never wanted me as her boyfriend again after the breakup but made clear that she'd be happy to be friends after the breakup and stay in contact. I know how toxic being friends with an ex can be but i'd be lying if I said it wouldn't feel good to know she cares even a little bit about me. I can't help it. I'm a complete softie. I don't hold grudges and have always seen the best in people. Maybe that's why I'm single, I appear to have no backbone.

 

Hey Jay,

 

I think there are two things that you have to consider at this point. And I'm using your latest post as an example for the first thing to consider.

 

1) Even if she called you today, would it make sense to get back together with this girl, taking into consideration what you just posted? Now just thinking about this logically and without emotion, the answer should be no. You've stated how poorly she treated you during this break-up yet you are pining away for this girl. We've all been there. Regardless of how we were treated, the circumstances of the break-up, and just how raw it is, we want to make the pain go away. We want to be happy again. But happiness does not come from another person. You have to be happy with yourself. Another person can only add to the happiness you have created by living your life. They simply accentuate it.

 

2) Assuming you agree and you decide that you don't want to be friends because it's tough/toxic, then you are left with one option. It's time to heal. You can only do this by eliminating everything you can that reminds you of her. Any personal items, pictures, texts, gifts....anything you can think of. It must be purged from your life. You were happy once before you met her and that's the goal. And along the way, perhaps you find ways to better yourself. Believe me...there are a ton of ways and a lot that you can do to become a better person for the next one.

 

Final thought. Acceptance. You have to accept what is right in front of you. You were dumped. So were most of the people on this forum (if not all of them). And it sucks. I'm right there with you. But I refuse to waste my time wondering if she'll call me or text me. Maybe she'll want to get back together. I've given up on those thoughts. Is it hard? Yup. But it's necessary if I ever want to move on and move on as quick as possible.

 

So you have two choices. Pine away for this girl and feel sick each day or accept the fact that it's over and that people are capable of doing ****ty things to others. You're not a loser or giving up. Just the opposite.

 

You'll get through this just like everyone else has at some time or another.

 

Hang in there.

[Morello]

Hi Jay,

 

I'm sorry you're feeling like that. I can relate, I was in a short intense fling for about 2~3 months. It also felt like she was the perfect girl for me, we got very close and at some point, she just decided out. I begged a bit, which led her to say she never wanted contact with me again. Which was pretty hard, given we work at the same place a few days in every week. She'd interact with everyone at the office BUT me. Avoided me like I was the plague.

 

For 8 months, this girl completely ignored me. I even tried a light-hearted message 3 months after the break-up, which she ignored too. I was already 'ok' with the fact I'd never speak again with her and that I meant pretty much nothing to her. That it was all fake, that I was just her rebound and the fool of the story.

 

Well, maybe I was and still am, but it turns out she contacted me recently and invited for coffee. She opened up that she's been through a hard time due to personal issues and has been thinking of me sine she broke up. She showed she cared, got emotional, remembered little things we talked about, things I barely remembered and she still knew exactly what I said, like it was yesterday. She was interested in my life and remembered every little detail of my personal life. It was actually quite weird.

 

I don't think she wants to reconcile though, maybe she just wants to be friends. Or just clear the air because we work at the same place. My point is that the narrative I kept in my head, that I menat nothing, that I was inadequate, that I'm 'forgettable', it was all wrong. I most likely meant something to her, even for a short period, or maybe she's just a good actress, who cares. We all leave our marks on other people's lives, especially the ones we get intimate with. Still, that didn't keep her from ignoring me for 8 months. And that will not keep her from completey moving on and finding some other guy she's more compatible with.

 

Don't write yourself a negative narrative like I did. I suffered a lot because of it, and I was likely wrong. I'm pretty sure you meant something to her, and her ignoring you probably tells much more about her mental state now than about what the relationship actually meant to her. If it had not meant anything to her, she'd be probably much more indifferent.

 

Still, the fact that she cared (or still cares), that she probably misses you, it all doesn't deny the fact that she dumped you and doesn't want a relationship with you. While it might be great to get some validation that our exes care about us, in the end, it shouldn't matter. Don't wait for that validation like I did. What your ex thinks of you doesn't define you. You're out of each other's lives so it means 0 to you. It should mean the same as what some stranger has to say about you: zero.

 

Our exes made a choice not to have us in their lives and that alone should be a hint for us to not invest a second more of our time thinking about them anymore.

 

I know it's hard but that's the mindset you should have. Unless she has some sort of strong mental problems, you did mean something to her. Maybe she still thinks about you. But that doesn't mean there is any chance of reconciling or even being friends now. Memories are just memories. You need to focus on your life and the people who like you and want to keep you in their lives. At this point, those are your family and close friends. Life is made of those who stayed, not those who left.

 

There's no recipe for getting over someone. The 'harsh' narrative that I meant nothing to my ex, that I was just used... it worked for awhile, until I got very depressed from it. I started to question my ability to read my own emotions and the romantic context I was in. 8 months later, I was still very closed off to get involved with anyone, so it didn't work for me.

 

I guess the best advice I can give you is to try to stop replaying everything in your head and ruminating, trying to figure out how much you meant to her or if she cares (or cared) about you or not. It's never a straight answer. Just try to learn from your mistakes and try to improve as a person so your next relationship has more chances of success than the last one. Every day, just wake up and think of a little thing that you can do to make you better, either physically, mentally or spiritually. Learn new things. Explore new ideas. Know that you are worth. If you keep thinking like that I can guarantee you that in the right time you'll find someone you connect with again. Just know that it might take some time, so be patient and be kind to yourself.

Edited June 21, 2018 by Morello

[Mac0908]

Hi Jay,

 

I'm sorry you're feeling like that. I can relate, I was in a short intense fling for about 2~3 months. It also felt like she was the perfect girl for me, we got very close and at some point, she just decided out. I begged a bit, which led her to say she never wanted contact with me again. Which was pretty hard, given we work at the same place a few days in every week. She'd interact with everyone at the office BUT me. Avoided me like I was the plague.

 

For 8 months, this girl completely ignored me. I even tried a light-hearted message 3 months after the break-up, which she ignored too. I was already 'ok' with the fact I'd never speak again with her and that I meant pretty much nothing to her. That it was all fake, that I was just her rebound and the fool of the story.

 

Well, maybe I was and still am, but it turns out she contacted me recently and invited for coffee. She opened up that she's been through a hard time due to personal issues and has been thinking of me sine she broke up. She showed she cared, got emotional, remembered little things we talked about, things I barely remembered and she still knew exactly what I said, like it was yesterday. She was interested in my life and remembered every little detail of my personal life. It was actually quite weird.

 

I don't think she wants to reconcile though, maybe she just wants to be friends. Or just clear the air because we work at the same place. My point is that the narrative I kept in my head, that I meant nothing, that I was inadequate, that I'm 'forgettable', it was all wrong. I most likely meant something to her, even for a short period, or maybe she's just a good actress, who cares.

 

It all varies IMO. If it's a legit fling full of sex, fun nights, great communication, etc, then they cared about you to SOME extent during your time dating of course, but after the breakup, they're moved on. If it's a breakup after YEARS however, and the two parties simply can't work things out, a lot of times you'll see a breakup that is mutual where sure they still care about (and probably love) each other but go their separate ways bc they know it's a lost cause, for whatever the reasons. THOSE are ex's that I can say don't forget you, still care about you, etc.

 

But back to the short term blowoffs like myself, you, and the OP experienced, that's where I draw the line in giving them the benefit of the doubt about how they "feel" after they throw you away. They threw us in the trash for no real reason other than their self serving selfishness, thinking there was someone better out there, or bc they simply were never serious about us from the beginning and just wanted some fun or whatever the reason might be. You (Morello) claim you were not forgotten bc this girl reached out EIGHT MONTHS later and remembered a few things about you? I'm sorry but I don't buy it all. She's probably just lonely, has regret, or just recently got out of something and needed a pick me up.

 

That all being said, it is rather interesting how a short term fling girl would reach out after that long a period of time. Of course she's worked with you though that whole time, and has seen you many times, so it also doesn't apply like it would a normal breakup scenario. Any update on what's going to happen?

Edited June 21, 2018 by Mac0908

[Morello]

Not sure what's going to happen, cause it's in the future. But what I'm saying is that we should not build a negative narrative of being worthless because of erratic actions from an ex, if they reach out or not. How they act may have much more to do with themselves than us. The advice is always to move on.

[marky00]

Ok, i will leave her alone. if she would have said she ended it due some huge personality flaw or something unfixable, this would have been so much easier to accept. Her reasons were so small and easily fixable so this is why I feel so bad. I told her they were fixable and she said she didn’t want either of us to have to change and when she realized one of us would have to change, she ended it. She said change leads to resentment. Such a soft way to end it and I do believe her reasons are true. I would have easily changed the issues and never resented her. Why couldn’t she just say she deep down didn’t like me or fell out of love with me? Something big....oh well. She never communication anything bothering her or gave me a chance to try to solve anything bothering her. The worst possible break up.

 

Well said OP and I know that exact feeling and yes it's the worst possible breakup.

 

Part in bold, again I agree wholeheartedly. Sadly most dumpers skirt around the issues and give you very little to chew on. I once had a Thai girl break my heart who I knew for 10 years and all I got was the "Its not, it's me" line. That was all I got after all those years.

 

It would have helped me immensely had she just said she'd fallen out of love and maybe chucked in a few reasons to boot. Of course, I get why a dumper does't want to go there because all they are thinking about is getting away quick smart. Regardless, it's the worst kind of breakup because its all on you (the dumpee) to work through everything in your own mind and draw your own conclusions which hopefully lead you to closure.

[overcome]

Jay,

 

Go hit the gym. Or get a membership if you don't have already. I can tell you it helps a lot! Not only does it release endorphins but as you start to get in shape, you'll look better and it will boost your self-esteem.

 

I'm hitting the gym six days a week. No excuses unless I'm sick. By the end of summer, I should be in excellent shape. While I was with my ex, I let myself go a bit. She gained a little weight as well but I didn't care. She told me in the end that she was not happy with herself and her appearance. While that may be true, that's no reason to end things. I never complained. So that's her problem, not mine. Don't make your ex's problems yours as well.

 

I cannot stress enough that the reason(s) don't matter. I don't know what the real reasons are for my ex. She gave me some but I don't care. It might be true, it might not. Why should I spend time wondering if it is true? Wasted energy my friend. And it only prolongs your pain.

 

So go treat your body right. This is one of the many things you can do while you heal. I promise you that after several months of training, you'll look better and feel better.

 

If you need other suggestions on how to keep you mind occupied, let the community know.

[marky00]

People mourn their relationships in various ways. OP needs to do what works for him, not what worked for you. Maybe it's the same, maybe it's different but you can't fastrack this - deleting everything now is fastracking it, imo.

 

Gently does it, imo, when you are feeling so bad.

 

I actually agree with Mac. Horse before the Cart. Horse = NC Cart = Possible life changes.

 

Having said that i'm not the type to delete photos etc. I just don't look at them and somehow knowing they are there but not looking at them can be cathartic.

Edited June 21, 2018 by marky00

[littleblackheart]

I actually agree with Mac. Horse before the Cart. Horse = NC Cart = Possible life changes.

 

Having said that i'm not the type to delete photos etc. I just don't look at them and somehow knowing they are there but not looking at them can be cathartic.

 

Sure stepping away is the best course of action ultimately, whichever way you slice it. I just feel the mourning should follow its own natural course for each individual. Forcing yourself to follow the steps too quickly can be counterproductive imo and can forever set you back. If Jay isn't quite ready as yet (as per the thread title!), it wouldn't be wise for him to run before he walks. I think Jay should do what is right for him. He's been doing great so far!

 

How many people have done 'nc' straight away yet are still stuck at the denial phase years after the breakup? That"s because they are robbing themselves of the process, imo.

Edited June 21, 2018 by littleblackheart

[marky00]

I just feel the mourning should follow its own natural course for each individual. Forcing yourself to follow the steps too quickly can be counterproductive imo and can forever set you back.

 

Agreed but wasn't it you who suggested the OP should force some life changes? I think you told him do go sort out his work/living conditions.

 

It's all good and well to tell someone to sort out their life to get over a breakup but if it was as a simple as that, breakups wouldn't be hard. That's the point Mac was making I think. The advise you gave is good but it's not something most dumpees can just do until some time has passed.

 

Ultimately, I got over my heartache once I simplified my life and essentially did less all round. I worked less, went out less. I essentially spent a lot more time by myself so I could build back my relationship with myself. That worked well for me. So many different things work for different people but NC is an integral part of whichever methods one chooses to get over a breakup.

Edited June 22, 2018 by marky00

[Logo]

Anyway, after 3 days NC, she contacted via text and asked if I was doing okay. I decided to respond with something short/simple. Doing well, thanks for asking, take care. She responded with "thanks for responding". I have a feeling she cares about my wellbeing but also feels bad that she ended it.

 

That's how they end up with orbiters who are there for them at their beck and call.

 

The "we can be friends" is an unhealthy relationship to be in after a romantic relationship.

 

Perhaps if 2 or 3 years have passed and they somehow crossed paths, then friendship can stand the test of time, but not immediately after a breakup; that's a recipe for heartache.

[Logo]

I am simply not wired to handle heartbreak, apparently.

 

Yes you are. You're feeling grief and grief is on the opposite end of the spectrum from love.

 

 

That's the way it works. You get to enjoy this amazing feeling called love, but once you do, you need to accept that grief is built into this process.

 

It's how you handle grief that will determine how things go. With some distance, after a while, you'll start to see the relationship with more clarity. You'll discover things about yourself and about the relationship that you might have overlooked immediately after the breakup.

 

Until then, try to work on a daily routine around which you can build some constancy and stability.

 

There's comfort in routine because you don't have to worry about some free time during which you might find yourself ruminating or reminiscing about the past.

 

 

So fill your daily schedule to the hilt and stay busy. The more you do, the better you'll feel about yourself. You'll also discover new hobbies and new ways to enjoy your time alone.

 

And I know, it's easier said than done, but take it one step at a time, one day at a time. Before you know it, a month will have passed and then another. With each passing month, you're going to start feeling more and more hopeful and happy.

[littleblackheart]

Agreed but wasn't it you who suggested the OP should force some life changes? I think you told him do go sort out his work/living conditions.

 

It's all good and well to tell someone to sort out their life to get over a breakup but if it was as a simple as that, breakups wouldn't be hard. That's the point Mac was making I think. The advise you gave is good but it's not something most dumpees can just do until some time has passed.

 

Ultimately, I got over my heartache once I simplified my life and essentially did less all round. I worked less, went out less. I essentially spent a lot more time by myself so I could build back my relationship with myself. That worked well for me. So many different things work for different people but NC is an integral part of whichever methods one chooses to get over a breakup.

 

I meant it as a change of focus, not necessarily acting on it, just so he can think of something other than the breakup. I think Jay knew what I meant. The other poster took it in another direction.

Edited June 22, 2018 by littleblackheart

[Logo]

I am waiting for texts all the time hoping she wants to see me but not wanting to push it. It's killing me.

 

 

Please don't put yourself through that. You deserve better.

[JayHarris]

I can't thank the people in this thread enough for the encouraging words to help me get through this tough time. I reread a lot your posts when I'm feeling down or start clinging to hope again and it helps set me straight mentally. Thank you.

 

 

I need 1 last piece of advice. I am preparing to move in with a friend in a month to save up some money and as I was moving stuff today, I noticed a lot of my ex's belongings. It made my stomach hurt. She has sheets, dishware, and some expensive items. She hasn't asked back for them, but I don't know what to do....I'd feel like an ass to throw them away, but I also am scared to contact her because it'd make me feel weak/pathetic. I could drop them off at our job and leave a note to avoid texting her. I just freaking hate the fact that she'll probably view it as me finding an excuse to stay connected to her when she's probably trying to move on. I really don't want to text/call her because she has shown 0 interest in reaching out to me and will probably think, "God, this pathetic guy just won't go away, will he?"

 

But I want to be the better person and return this stuff because I know it was important to her. It really showed me too that she has moved on b/c I know she wants this stuff back and it shows how firm she is on avoiding contact with me if she can't even reach out for this stuff. Do you think I should just leave it in the back at work and write a note on her desk? I would hide the stuff and put the note in a letter so that nobody else could read it or learn that we dated b/c it'd be frowned upon. We are in separate locations(within 5 miles of each other) but I have a key to all locations. What do you all think I should do? I freaking hate this....

Edited June 23, 2018 by JayHarris

[bathtub-row]

If the box isn't terribly big, why not just mail it to her home? Or have someone else deliver it to her. Maybe a friend of yours. You've done well with not contacting her so there's no reason for her to think of you as pathetic but, still, I would either mail it or get someone else to drop it off. I'd leave work out of it altogether.

[JayHarris]

i've decided i'll just box it and leave it off to the side. If she wants it, she can contact me. I can't get myself to make any kind of gesture to show that she's even in my mind. I just really don't want to make any kind of effort to associate with her in any way whatsoever when she could give 2 Fs about my existence. I'm tired of feeling weak and obsessing over someone who is probably happy as hell that I am out of her life.