30 y.o. and "Forever Alone". How I fared so far...

[Pandoramix]

Hallo,

 

As the title states, I might not be entirely good at dating . In this age, I have not had any relationship whatsoever except for one short term lover and one or two hookups many years ago.

 

The reason I am here is to find a place where I can get some feedback about my attempts, mindset and general love/life strategy.

The reason I am starting this thread is to see whether I it is this place or not. I am not naive. Long ago I have noticed that people like me get a lot of bashing from people usually of similar status simply for mentioning this embarrassing fact. I expect to find such users as well. But what I am looking for is a couple of reasonable people to have a chat, feedback from without showing me their detest . In other words, I am looking for somebody who can advise me without judging me .

 

 

So, smt. about me - and I am going to be quite critical about myself:

 

- I am 30 y.o. and having veery hard times finding a date. Nearly impossible.

- I have my education, my experience, my skill. I work as IT engineer. Currently I am switching positions.

- I do a lot of sports. Gym is my daily routine. I think I have nice athletic body but there are still things to work on . To give you some idea, 184 cm, 92 kg. and "almost" nice looking visible abs

- I'd like to say I clothe decently. I have my style and I think people (mostly women ) like it

 

 

Now the bad things :

 

- I am loner. I have a few friends, good ones, but that is about it. I like it this way.

- Since I am Forever Alone, I can be terribly moody and one day normal, enthusiastic, or whatever and another day grumpy, closed, sad... I can't really control it. I am alone, I feel alone and I lack sex. simply, hormones...

- To cope with this hormonal imbalance, I drink alcohol . I does make me feel better, to forget about aching heart and above all to have feeling of not being lonely and empty. This is difficult to explain if you did not experience it. If you are alone for a very long time, like it or not you will feel inside empty. Love is essential for well being. Alcohol erase this crushing feeling and so I drink it on weekends.

- Currently I quit drinkin because I am switching jobs and I do feel a little stressed about it. Alcohol in such cases makes the stress much worse and that is what I do not want. I don't drink now and I have no problem with it. Just sayin

 

So... my question is... what do you think... about this as a whole? Do you have some further questions? My goal is to find a partner, naturally, and find some life happiness (currently I have little to none ). What should I do?

[Chilli]

l dunno why anyone would bash ya but then l do know what the internet can be like.

 

But anyway , just a few thoughts. Your not a loner if you have a few good friends , many people don't even have that and good friends are hard to find so your doin ok.

 

And l know it goes against what everyone seems to do here but l'm not in the states and we dn't just aimlessly date date date here but why would you wanna be a good dater anyway. To me in a chick that'd be a real turn off , she must've been single so long she just dates dates dates and that's got flags all over it to me because she has no senses or patience and just goes out with anyone..

l've never dated in my life l'd be hopeless at it to l'd imagine.Always had gf's though and then l was married,

All you need to do is get along with someone you really really like when she comes along, forget the rest, relationships form from there.

 

With your moods and stuff yeah , dunno , l'm pretty moody , it was hard for my ex w but l do find with the right women and under ok circumstances in life , l'm not bad really. But everyones different and l guess that's something you need to figure out and control a bit in a relationship, communication about it helps a lot too, and being with the right person.

 

No idea why you haven't fallen into something, but there seems to be many around , guys and girls. Maybe you just haven't met the right one yet.

Edited June 16, 2018 by Chilli

[Pandoramix]

I can't believe it Last time I posted pretty much the same info on another forum I was immediately "alcoholic", "depressed", "mentally sick with need of medical attention" seriously! And the good info I posted was just "dull bragging" and "most likely my education is worthless and my job as well, anyway" .

 

Hallo friends from Able2Know

 

I am shocked, but dunno, this is just a one person, maybe others similar minded like paragraph above will come

 

Anyway.

 

Hmm... you know, I would disagree with you... from my perspective... yes, you do need the right person, but first you need to attract the right one! In recent days I met quite a few very attractive women who I like not only physically, but as a person, but from the single ones, all either refused me whatsoever or found another guy... and that is the problem.

 

I am kinda of opinion that first you need to be a worthy male to have worthy female. But that is natural.

 

The key question is: What attributes do you lack?? O.o ...

 

And this is what I am trying to find out.

 

 

About the moodiness, yeah, I do sports several hours a day so that's why. Or I can stop doing them and not being moody any more - only grumpy

 

 

Thanks for reply

[Chilli]

Haha , give it time ya might get a few yet.

But yeah , hear ya, l'm just on this other forum tonight biggest bunch of smart ass a/h's l ever saw, wish l could delete my damn membership now.

 

Drinking, well ya single and self medicating, so what, lotta people do whatever works as long as you control it and make a few changes when she comes along.

 

Anyway fair enough up to you , l've never worried about any of that garbage , just met someone special and we see how we go. But eh that's me. If it ain't broke yaknow.

 

Anyway good luck

[Pandoramix]

Hahaha, bro, I like you! Is there a way on this forum to send you a bro fistbump??

[d0nnivain]

I'm a woman so my perspective may be a little different.

 

Although you can't project a desperate & needy vibe, if you want a relationship you have to take steps to put yourself out there & find one. It takes effort like getting your education to get your good job, searching for that new job or maintaining those visible abs. You have to work at it. It is a numbers game.

 

How do you do that? First you make a commitment to take action. When I was single & decided I wanted to date with an eye toward marriage, I made a promise to myself that I would do something new & social at least once per week to meet new people. Do mix in true "singles" events with other types of social get togethers. I started going to business card exchanges to help build my new business & meet new people. That ended up being where I met my husband. Join a group that does something that interests you -- go hiking, write a novel, be fans of some TV show -- what you do isn't as important as you putting yourself in a setting where groups of like minded people get together.

 

Get involved in your community. Work on a campaign. Protest something. Work to raise money to fight disease, fund the arts or help the less fortunate.

 

Join a co ed sports team.

 

You simply have to leave your house & engage in an activity you find interesting. From there you meet like minded people & you have a chance to do good in the world.

 

Look for the odd niche singles things too. Personally, I did the following:

 

1. played board games on Monday nights

 

2. attended leashes & lovers events because I could bring my dog. My Dalmatian garnered me lots of attention in part because I was one of the few women there with a large dog, as opposed to a dog that fit in my purse

 

3. played golf -- the organizers set up the foresomes 2 men & 2 women. Even when we didn't click personally it was still a day to play

 

4. Attended a monthly happy hour put on by a skiing group. I don't ski but I had attended some of their events before & they were fun.

 

5. Went to wine dinners

 

 

My point is find groups that do something you enjoy so that new people meet you at your best, when you are having fun.

 

I would suggest cutting down on the drinking, but you said you have already done that. Drinking alone routinely is not usually the best plan.

[Chilli]

Haha thanks for that .

But nah, people are pretty good round here, they do mostly try to be open minded and helpful, ya might get the odd serve but eh.

 

Although l probably shouldn't bother touching on subjects like the woman thing here though. They seem to do things and thoughts on it all so differently there that non of the guys know what l'm talking about anyway.

[BaileyB]

As a woman, there are many things that would attract me to you... You are a smart guy and you have a good job. You are physically active and we would share that interest.

 

I wouldn't care as much about the fact that you have few friends. But, if you are a "loner" such that you don't make time for a relationship, then that would be a deal breaker.

 

The reason why I would not date you is because of the moody behavior. Women want to spend time with men who make them feel good. Dealing with the ups and downs of extreme moodiness would not be enjoyable.

 

The other thing that I find concerning about your post, said with kindness and honesty, is the fact that you don't seem to feel any personal responsibility for your moodiness and your behavior. It's "the hormones" that make me this way, I can't control it. Yes, you can and you should learn to manage that. Many people do. It takes some self awareness and self control.

 

And finally, the fact that you've chosen alcohol as your coping strategy would be very unattractive to me. I don't mind someone who drinks socially, but when you are starting to use really abuse alcohol in this way... Well, a woman with healthy boundaries will probably walk away...

Edited June 16, 2018 by BaileyB

[Pandoramix]

Thank you all for responses, I will answer to every one separately (just to show my gratitude for time and attention you are giving me) but first I feel I need to make some things clear about this reply:

 

 

 

1) As a woman, there are many things that would attract me to you... You are a smart guy and you have a good job. You are physically active and we would share that interest.

 

2) I wouldn't care as much about the fact that you have few friends. But, if you are a "loner" such that you don't make time for a relationship, then that would be a deal breaker.

 

3) The reason why I would not date you is because of the moody behavior. Women want to spend time with men who make them feel good. Dealing with the ups and downs of extreme moodiness would not be enjoyable.

 

4) The other thing that I find concerning about your post, said with kindness and honesty, is the fact that you don't seem to feel any personal responsibility for your moodiness and your behavior. It's "the hormones" that make me this way, I can't control it. Yes, you can and you should learn to manage that. Many people do. It takes some self awareness and self control.

 

5) And finally, the fact that you've chosen alcohol as your coping strategy would be very unattractive to me. I don't mind someone who drinks socially, but when you are starting to use really abuse alcohol in this way... Well, a woman with healthy boundaries will probably walk away...

 

ad 1) Woha! This is the first time I can remember someone on the internet referred to ANY of my attributes as positive

 

ad 2) loner as I don't need too many people around to feel good. Not loner I am not into relationship, time spent with partner etc.! Opposite might be true, when I have some female company, I like to give it quite a lot... But everyone might have different needs ad measures of course.

 

ad 3) yeah when around girls I like I naturally try not to show my mood on myself... but the prior reason for my mood is lack of intimacy itself, so if I had some, I doubt I would be that moody. But I cannot tell, I never really had one.

 

However I find it quite unfair you blame me for that! I am moody because I feel loneliness, I am lonely because you blame me for feeling down and so not dating me.

 

But you are very right, this is EXACTLY how people work. All of us. First we throw a poop at someone because of smt. Than we don't like him, because he feels bad about it.... I had colleague same as this. Excellent developer, but very shy. Easy to see why. Because of his shyness people did not like him much... Poor guy. One of the best, most hardworking, reliable, etc., but least appreciated... Simply, human nature...

 

...and I know that soon we are going to play this "blame game" again... So I will just inform you I am mentally preparing for it

 

ad 4) I am not saying I feel no responsibility, I say you can't fight anger and short term depression very effectively. I can choose how I act, what I do, but I cannot choose how I feel. That is the idea. If my body has reason to feel miserable, my mind will make me feel so. I can ignore, of fight, but I cannot win. Try it yourself if you don't believe

 

ad 5) Yeeah! I was beginning to worry, finally I am an alcoholic! Hey, one info for you, lady: I am slav We have some Cyka genes for processing alcohol I can have three bottles of booze in less than 24 hours and after 8 hours of sleep I feel nothing. Slav superpowers

 

So much about that!

[Pandoramix]

I'm a woman so my perspective may be a little different.....

 

 

yeap, I absolutely agree!

 

I am already doing that - I started dancing and I LOVE it!! I might already have some flirty thingies going for me...

 

 

Anyway I see it a bit more complicated... you females just need to be pretty and the guy will show up . Us males... we better show something... For instance, in dancing club, you better be good dancer of attractive for females to notice you... so I am working on that... same for other places, like chess club.

 

So going out? Absolutely YES. But at the same time, you must present some qualities and this might be the hard part... Competition is tough, I can tell..

 

Thing I lack most IMO is charm, confidence... I am simply Forever Alone and people can feel it. That makes my position much much harder... Women want somebody who is desired by others as well... I don't know if they feel I am FA, but they sure can feel there is something about me and not about other males they like... and I don't know how to control this "something". Possibly I can't. I just need to find way out from this spiral...

 

Dance might help. I already feel 100% better. Which is on normal person scale "quite miserable, but not always"

[Pandoramix]

Haha thanks for that .

But nah, people are pretty good round here, they do mostly try to be open minded and helpful, ya might get the odd serve but eh.

 

Although l probably shouldn't bother touching on subjects like the woman thing here though. They seem to do things and thoughts on it all so differently there that non of the guys know what l'm talking about anyway.

 

Hahaha, same here. I also can't understand female mind. That is why I am here

[warp123]

As the title states, I might not be entirely good at dating . In this age, I have not had any relationship whatsoever except for one short term lover and one or two hookups many years ago.

 

Ok im going to be brutally honest here:

 

You are 30, only one short term lover and "one or two hookups" MANY YEARS AGO

 

This isnt something the gym will fix. I mean keep working out, it always helps, but you put emphasis on the gym and sports like if its going to be the cure for your problem, also it looks like you dont have any other hobbies or at least you dont mention any. So what, you go to work, then gym and then drink? Thats your life?

 

You have a drinking problem. Dude im introvert and have NO FAMILY, you can say im alone in this world if it wasnt for my best friends, and i dont drink. But to be fair in my case i date often.

 

Man up! Stop drinking and fix your issues. Dont be the typical IT loner. Live new experiences, have stories to tell, be interesting. Try new hobbies, try online dating if you dont feel like going to bars or discos... set goals and always progress, never get stuck, have a purpose.

[Pandoramix]

Ok im going to be brutally honest here:

 

You are 30, only one short term lover and "one or two hookups" MANY YEARS AGO

 

This isnt something the gym will fix. I mean keep working out, it always helps, but you put emphasis on the gym and sports like if its going to be the cure for your problem, also it looks like you dont have any other hobbies or at least you dont mention any. So what, you go to work, then gym and then drink? Thats your life?

 

You have a drinking problem. Dude im introvert and have NO FAMILY, you can say im alone in this world if it wasnt for my best friends, and i dont drink. But to be fair in my case i date often.

 

Man up! Stop drinking and fix your issues. Dont be the typical IT loner. Live new experiences, have stories to tell, be interesting. Try new hobbies, try online dating if you dont feel like going to bars or discos... set goals and always progress, never get stuck, have a purpose.

 

 

Yeeeah, finally! I was begging to worry! People making assumptions!

 

 

Ok, you are right gym is not going to save me. But it is helping a lot. And in near future, it is going to help even much more :

 

I started dancing, as a social activity. I love dance and it seems girls like dancers who look... manly At least that is one impression I have from several female teacher which some of them make my stomach feel upset

 

Man, do not start drinking or you will never quit! :laugh:I am telling you, you don't know what you are missing and you better never to find it out!

 

"set goals and always progress, never get stuck, have a purpose"

 

Exactly!! That is exactly I am doing!!! IT, math, dancing, workout, stretching,... all the time. every day.

 

 

 

Thanks bud!

[Pandoramix]

hmm... this place looks all right. When I am thinking of it, people showed some support, which is something I absolutely did not expect, showed criticism instead of blunt bashing and I even received some acknowledgement, which honestly, surpised me.

 

Ok, thank you all

 

I think I might want to start some log here and share some thoughts, I have been thinking about it for many years but so far had no place for it... Maybe now I do?

[d0nnivain]

I am already doing that - I started dancing and I LOVE it!! I might already have some flirty thingies going for me...

 

 

Anyway I see it a bit more complicated... you females just need to be pretty and the guy will show up . Us males... we better show something... For instance, in dancing club, you better be good dancer of attractive for females to notice you... so I am working on that... same for other places, like chess club.

 

So going out? Absolutely YES. But at the same time, you must present some qualities and this might be the hard part... Competition is tough, I can tell..

 

Thing I lack most IMO is charm, confidence... I am simply Forever Alone and people can feel it. That makes my position much much harder... Women want somebody who is desired by others as well... I don't know if they feel I am FA, but they sure can feel there is something about me and not about other males they like... and I don't know how to control this "something". Possibly I can't. I just need to find way out from this spiral...

 

Dance might help. I already feel 100% better. Which is on normal person scale "quite miserable, but not always"

 

I think the dancing & the chess are terrific outlets! Now if you can find a woman who likes both you will have something really special.

 

You don't have to be the best dancer. If you have self confidence to put yourself out there & participate, that will be enough.

 

You mentioned having a good job so I'm going to suggest an expensive solution. Take something like the Dale Carnegie classes on how to win friends & influence people. There are other competitors out there but I am familiar with this one. It's a multi-week course, that you might even be able to convince your employer to pay for or deduct from your taxes because it will help with business too. You learn about being better at remembering people's names (which is why I took it), making eye contact, projecting confidence, public speaking etc. Dale Carnegie has been around for decades; there are other newer coaches out there & those may be more right for you. I'm just suggesting this one because I know it. I have no stake in the company.

[Pandoramix]

1)I think the dancing & the chess are terrific outlets! Now if you can find a woman who likes both you will have something really special.

 

2)You don't have to be the best dancer. If you have self confidence to put yourself out there & participate, that will be enough.

 

3)You mentioned having a good job so I'm going to suggest an expensive solution. Take something like the Dale Carnegie classes on how to win friends & influence people. There are other competitors out there but I am familiar with this one. It's a multi-week course, that you might even be able to convince your employer to pay for or deduct from your taxes because it will help with business too. You learn about being better at remembering people's names (which is why I took it), making eye contact, projecting confidence, public speaking etc. Dale Carnegie has been around for decades; there are other newer coaches out there & those may be more right for you. I'm just suggesting this one because I know it. I have no stake in the company.

 

ad 1) Hahaha, thanks! I will keep in mind that! Actually, I like chess, so I guess this is my next stop when looking for next free time joy. I was also thinking about nerdout with Dungeons and Dragons

 

ad 2) Yes, that is true, but we are still talking about at very least year of very intensive training (like almost every day) to be decent dancer! Len us not make wrong assumption, dance is by any means not easy and hoopy-woopy chimps with basic class and glass of Vodka will not win many female hearts

 

ad 3) I dare to disagree here. I have had some rhetoric classes, some sales training which derived from Dale Carnegie teaching and his philosophy is not good. This is expert's look, not only mine, but I agree: his approach is blunt, naive and foolish. For instance, if you look into someone's eyes, you might be nice, sincere or also creepy, horny or in love. I have seen cases where it went terribly wrong. No, I would not recommend Dale Carnegie's courses, it is simply money milking machine.

 

BUT!!!

 

You have an excellent remark! Yes, by any means, I DO need to learn how to handle women! And this is EXACT reason I am visiting dancing class. I do not learn only dance, but above all how to act around women! And I dare to say, so far I am making my progress

Edited June 17, 2018 by Pandoramix