[Does the betrayed spouse] ever forgive the OW?

[niteandfog]

I was once the OW. My now BF left his wife for me (although he’s always claimed his marriage was an extremely unhappy one, that he definitely didnt love his wife and that he most likely never actually did).

 

Of course to her, things have not been that perfect but she still sees me as the reason why their marriage broke down.

 

Between meeting me and leaving there were only 3 months. He didnt leave because we got caught, he left and then eventually came clean. We’ve caused a lot of pain to both his wife and mostly his son.

 

We’ve been together for 8 months and I don’t expect her to forgive but at least to move on ( I know it’s way too soon, but I can only hope).

[BluesPower]

I was once the OW. My now BF left his wife for me (although he’s always claimed his marriage was an extremely unhappy one, that he definitely didnt love his wife and that he most likely never actually did).

 

Of course to her, things have not been that perfect but she still sees me as the reason why their marriage broke down.

 

Between meeting me and leaving there were only 3 months. He didnt leave because we got caught, he left and then eventually came clean. We’ve caused a lot of pain to both his wife and mostly his son.

 

We’ve been together for 8 months and I don’t expect her to forgive but at least to move on ( I know it’s way too soon, but I can only hope).

 

Look, you were told about all this... you both were married, and you both cheated and you are worried his wife forgiving you?

 

I mean really? Hey you both were cheaters and this is what you have to live with. She can't move on all the way, they have a kid together.

 

She will most likely never forgive you and every time she sees you because she was stupid enough to have a kid with him.

 

And you still don't get the fact that you have always heard his side of the marriage and nothing of her side.

 

You know, maybe you guys will work out long-term, but you really need to wise up and worry about him cheating on you when things get tough in your relationship.

 

I would think that his Ex W forgiving you would be the least of your problems.

 

You know, I get that you guys "Fell in love" and you were both done with your marriages, I get that.

 

But to me, this question kind of shows me that you really have your priorities in life very mixed up...

[basil67]

You did not make vows to this woman, so you don't owe her. If she has an ongoing gripe with anyone, it should be your partner - her ex.

[niteandfog]

Look, you were told about all this... you both were married, and you both cheated and you are worried his wife forgiving you?

 

I mean really? Hey you both were cheaters and this is what you have to live with. She can't move on all the way, they have a kid together.

 

She will most likely never forgive you and every time she sees you because she was stupid enough to have a kid with him.

 

And you still don't get the fact that you have always heard his side of the marriage and nothing of her side.

 

You know, maybe you guys will work out long-term, but you really need to wise up and worry about him cheating on you when things get tough in your relationship.

 

I would think that his Ex W forgiving you would be the least of your problems.

 

You know, I get that you guys "Fell in love" and you were both done with your marriages, I get that.

 

But to me, this question kind of shows me that you really have your priorities in life very mixed up...

 

 

Actually my main priority is for his son to forgive him. My second priority is that she lets their daughter meet me. He already lives with my and my daughter. So they only thing I hope for is for both sides to be more balanced.

[somanymistakes]

I don't think you can expect her to forgive you - what motivation would she have for that?

 

Better to hope for her deciding you're just not worth the mental energy to be angry about anymore. And that will take time. Give it two years, see how things go.

[niteandfog]

I don't think you can expect her to forgive you - what motivation would she have for that?

 

Better to hope for her deciding you're just not worth the mental energy to be angry about anymore. And that will take time. Give it two years, see how things go.

 

 

True and everything is still very fresh. Almost 4 months since he came clean.

[d0nnivain]

I think I would always resent my cheating spouse & the OW but to me the bulk of the blame would be on the unfaithful. The spouse took vows. The spouse promised to love & be faithful. Odds are the OW never met the BW. OK, if the OW was a formerly dear friend, I'd be doubly furious.

 

So what do you care if she forgives you or not? I can understand caring that the BW is causing trouble in your life but try to remember how much trouble your BF's relationship with you cause her -- it costs her a marriage.

[niteandfog]

I think I would always resent my cheating spouse & the OW but to me the bulk of the blame would be on the unfaithful. The spouse took vows. The spouse promised to love & be faithful. Odds are the OW never met the BW. OK, if the OW was a formerly dear friend, I'd be doubly furious.

 

So what do you care if she forgives you or not? I can understand caring that the BW is causing trouble in your life but try to remember how much trouble your BF's relationship with you cause her -- it costs her a marriage.

 

I was never a friend I was a friend of a friend. We chatted superficially every now and then (maybe 3-4 times in the past year) and said hello if bumped into each other.

 

I know of what he had told me (and I know I see it through him but there is circumstantial evidence that points that at least some of it is true...) They were together because she got pregnant. And only married (many years later) because that’s what everybody wanted -but him-. He cheated when they had only been married for 15 months, I know that’s completely irrelevant because they had been together before that for 9-10 years.

 

He had a crush on me for YEARS, even before he got married (which can be proven but I had no idea he existed). So I caused them marital issues just for the sole reason of existing.

 

I do believe he was planning to leave, he just never felt strong enough to do so. In that way I had nothing to do with their break up. I asked for divorce 3 weeks after I had met my now BF... can my ex blame him for our divorce? Not at all...

[BaileyB]

Actually my main priority is for his son to forgive him. My second priority is that she lets their daughter meet me. He already lives with my and my daughter. So they only thing I hope for is for both sides to be more balanced.

 

I have a friend who did this with a guy. It's been 4 years now... His adult daughter will still not see him or talk to him. His sons stay in contact, but it has changed their relationship forever.

 

You were told that there would be consequences to your decisions, and you pushed on... It's going to take a long time... Four months is nothing.

[niteandfog]

I have a friend who did this with a guy. It's been 4 years now... His adult daughter will still not see him or talk to him. His sons stay in contact, but it has changed their relationship forever.

 

You were told that there would be consequences to your decisions, and you pushed on... It's going to take a long time... Four months is nothing.

 

I to be fair I have had it extremely easy. Yes I’ve been publicly shamed and shouted at , but that has been it. I have given my daughter a semi functional step family. As in that my BF is making an effort to be a good step dad. And for example the other day for the first time in her life, my daughter had a sit down breakfast with two adults before school.

 

Because we’re creating our new “family” is that I wish things were more even. And I know that if his e knew any of these was happening shed be furious.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I to be fair I have had it extremely easy. Yes I’ve been publicly shamed and shouted at , but that has been it. I have given my daughter a semi functional step family. As in that my BF is making an effort to be a good step dad. And for example the other day for the first time in her life, my daughter had a sit down breakfast with two adults before school.

 

Because we’re creating our new “family” is that I wish things were more even. And I know that if his e knew any of these was happening shed be furious.

 

What do you mean? What does she think is happening?

[niteandfog]

What do you mean? What does she think is happening?

 

I mean his ex... and she knows we’re moving in together and is aware that he’s met my daughter. But I don’t think she’s 100% certain that he LIVES with me full time and that includes spending time with my daughter playing “family”.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I mean his ex... and she knows we’re moving in together and is aware that he’s met my daughter. But I don’t think she’s 100% certain that he LIVES with me full time and that includes spending time with my daughter playing “family”.

 

Hmmmmmm.....

[AlwaysGrowing]

The reality is that there was an affair and their marriage broke up after the affair. I am sure it is easier to have the narrative that he was going to leave anyways...but that is NOT how it happened.

 

just as you enjoy having two adults at the dinner table, so does she. But she doesnt have that, instead of gloating about it why dont you have empathy for the cost she and their children bear so that you three have that?

 

Is it realistic to expect her to forgive you both? His family was blindsided. Their life changed on a dime, with no choice or voice in the matter. The affair clearly put an “us” and “them” division between everyone. Being that you and her husband were the ones who put the division in place, why would you expect the olive branch to come from her side?

 

You chose the behaviour you chose the consequences...a lesson learned in kindergarten. The onus is on the one who created the conflict to make amends not the other way around. Part of your amends is to give her a wide berth of understanding in what she is going through. Err on the side of empathy.

[Romantic_Antics]

You want her forgiveness to help ease your own guilty conscience. You may get it someday depending on the type of person she is, but she will never forget. The same applies to your new boyfriend, though the path to forgiving him is even longer and stretches over some extremely rocky terrain brought about by the betrayal of his vows, commitments, promises, and the impact that the split is inevitably going to have on the child.

Edited June 16, 2018 by Romantic_Antics

[MidnightBlue1980]

You referred to her as "his wife" not "ex-wife". Are they still married? Did he at least file papers for divorce?

[LifesontheUp]

although he’s always claimed his marriage was an extremely unhappy one, that he definitely didnt love his wife and that he most likely never actually did).

 

I truly hope you don't believe this. He married her because he loved her. Just as he says he loves you now................

 

She owes you nothing, just like you owe her nothing.

 

You are with a man that has re written his marital history to suit himself. A man that if he was that fed up in his marriage should have left BEFORE having an affair.

 

I hope she will be okay and her son in all of this.

[Cali408]

One of the stupidest questions I've seen in a while.

 

Oh yeah, she'll forgive you. You participated in enabling her husband to break his vows, blowing up the nuclear family, now the kids have a broken home.

 

Nice fairy tale living happily ever after.

 

The answer is HELLNO

[Arieswoman]

OP, for what it's worth,

Some time after my H's affair was exposed I got a letter from the OW. It was the biggest load of cr@p that I'd seen in a long time.

 

 

In one sentence she said that "she went it with her eyes wide open" but then in the next paragraph said "I cry every day thinking how much you must hate me" - WTF ?!

 

 

Surely if she went into it with "eyes wide open" she should have known what the consequences were ?!

 

 

Did you not stop to think about the fallout your involvement would cause?

 

 

 

And no, I haven't forgiven either of them (although the largest part of the blame I lay at his door) I have accepted it happened and moved on.

[imsosad]

My answer is a little different.

My partner and I also left our marriages to be with each other.

My relationship with his ex wife is a cordial one, and I don't think she hates me.

The situation itself was disrespectful from the get, but I always tried to respect her, maintained boundaries with their children and I encourage my partner to have a good relationship with her.

Not long ago, she suddenly called me on her day with the kids and asked for help with a pick up. I was more than happy to help out, she texted a nice thank you message.

Thing is, niteandfog, I think there's a problem with your attitude.

To me, it reads like you felt you won, you won because you were better, and you really want her to accept the fact that she lost because you're better than her and move on. Maybe it's me, but it seems like you're almost gloating at your victory.

If you really want to have an ok relationship with her, I think you should change your fundamental point of view.

Respect the time they shared. It wasn't all bad. If it didn't work out, your partner also had something to do with it.

Accept her as an important person in his life.

Accept that you and him ending up together does not mean you are better than her.

Respect her.

Acknowledge the damage that was caused to her entire world.

Be patient.

Another key factor for us was *not* to move in together so fast.

There are many reasons for that, among them is that we didn't want both BSs and kids to feel like we're just moving on happily while they're still trying to figure out what him them.

If you really care about her not hating you, try a little sensitivity and respect. People know when you do.

Goid chance it will ease the son's objections as well.

Good luck

[winterkeep]

Maybe in time but probably not with your attitude. Always growing’s response really struck a nerve with me as there does appear to be an element of gloating in how you see this. It’s nice that your daughter has two role models in the home and that you can share a ‘family’ breakfast but her children no longer have this opportunity due to your affair and frankly it’s their right, and not your daughters; to have their father there.

 

I doubt she’d be furious by this as you state, rather that she’d be devastated - which is entirely understandable. She may forgive you for the affair, but probably not for being a participant in her children losing these opportunities.

[niteandfog]

OP, for what it's worth,

Some time after my H's affair was exposed I got a letter from the OW. It was the biggest load of cr@p that I'd seen in a long time.

 

 

In one sentence she said that "she went it with her eyes wide open" but then in the next paragraph said "I cry every day thinking how much you must hate me" - WTF ?!

 

 

Surely if she went into it with "eyes wide open" she should have known what the consequences were ?!

 

 

Did you not stop to think about the fallout your involvement would cause?

 

 

 

And no, I haven't forgiven either of them (although the largest part of the blame I lay at his door) I have accepted it happened and moved on.

 

 

Actually the way I saw it,I was responsible for my side and he was for his. He was very naive about how things would go for him. Mine went more or less as planned.

[niteandfog]

My answer is a little different.

My partner and I also left our marriages to be with each other.

My relationship with his ex wife is a cordial one, and I don't think she hates me.

The situation itself was disrespectful from the get, but I always tried to respect her, maintained boundaries with their children and I encourage my partner to have a good relationship with her.

Not long ago, she suddenly called me on her day with the kids and asked for help with a pick up. I was more than happy to help out, she texted a nice thank you message.

Thing is, niteandfog, I think there's a problem with your attitude.

To me, it reads like you felt you won, you won because you were better, and you really want her to accept the fact that she lost because you're better than her and move on. Maybe it's me, but it seems like you're almost gloating at your victory.

If you really want to have an ok relationship with her, I think you should change your fundamental point of view.

Respect the time they shared. It wasn't all bad. If it didn't work out, your partner also had something to do with it.

Accept her as an important person in his life.

Accept that you and him ending up together does not mean you are better than her.

Respect her.

Acknowledge the damage that was caused to her entire world.

Be patient.

Another key factor for us was *not* to move in together so fast.

There are many reasons for that, among them is that we didn't want both BSs and kids to feel like we're just moving on happily while they're still trying to figure out what him them.

If you really care about her not hating you, try a little sensitivity and respect. People know when you do.

Goid chance it will ease the son's objections as well.

Good luck

 

 

Believe me I don’t have that attitude. If she calls and wants to talk to him I never make a problem about it. I’ve moved my entire schedule so she doesn’t have to see me at all. I think in an ideal world we wouldn’t have moved in so soon. Our original plan was to each have their own place, yes kind of live together when we didnt have the kids and then work it out from there. My BF didnt do the maths and it turns out that he cant afford a place on his own.

 

I never talk crap about her. Nor any of that. I would assume that in all por those years together there were some good times. I had them too, however every single good one usually gets overshadowed by a bad one. I come from an emotionally abusive relationship and we did have to marry because if we hadn’t my daughter would have been raised without her dad.

 

Maybe we did love each other at some point, but whatever it was it was an extremely twisted version. Being with my BF has shown me that I definitely had no lust for my ex and that I also stopped loving him years and years ago. If that was the case for me, why can’t it be for him?

[niteandfog]

Maybe in time but probably not with your attitude. Always growing’s response really struck a nerve with me as there does appear to be an element of gloating in how you see this. It’s nice that your daughter has two role models in the home and that you can share a ‘family’ breakfast but her children no longer have this opportunity due to your affair and frankly it’s their right, and not your daughters; to have their father there.

 

I doubt she’d be furious by this as you state, rather that she’d be devastated - which is entirely understandable. She may forgive you for the affair, but probably not for being a participant in her children losing these opportunities.

 

That was never part of the plan. Originally he was going to go for 50/50, but then that wasn’t doable. My daughter (because of work) mostly lives with her dad. Now, how are they supposed to get a family breakfast when their dad doesn’t want to be there? He wants to be with them, not their mom.

 

I for much as I resent want my ex did to me, I think it is important that we keep the family unit, so really what my daughter is getting is two family units, which is what we’d like for his kids as well and something that hopefully we will achieve someday.

[DKT3]

This whole thing just sounds so unhealthy. I mean, you barely know this guy and you already have involved kids and living together. I think his ex liking you is the smallest of issues you will be facing.