[Does the betrayed spouse] ever forgive the OW?

[imsosad]

Believe me I don’t have that attitude. If she calls and wants to talk to him I never make a problem about it. I’ve moved my entire schedule so she doesn’t have to see me at all. I think in an ideal world we wouldn’t have moved in so soon. Our original plan was to each have their own place, yes kind of live together when we didnt have the kids and then work it out from there. My BF didnt do the maths and it turns out that he cant afford a place on his own.

 

I never talk crap about her. Nor any of that. I would assume that in all por those years together there were some good times. I had them too, however every single good one usually gets overshadowed by a bad one. I come from an emotionally abusive relationship and we did have to marry because if we hadn’t my daughter would have been raised without her dad.

 

Maybe we did love each other at some point, but whatever it was it was an extremely twisted version. Being with my BF has shown me that I definitely had no lust for my ex and that I also stopped loving him years and years ago. If that was the case for me, why can’t it be for him?

 

Niteandfog, you know I'm in a similar situation.

I have zero judgement on you guys leaving to be together, I did the same.

I really get it.

I'm trying to help, because I sense that you're a little caught up in the moment and seem to view everything through the prism of your big love coming true.

I think you need to let reality in and think some more about how to handle this situation.

Even their entire decade long relationship was awful, she is still an important person in his life.

Being the mother of his son makes her an important person, even if he never had one happy moment with her.

Maybe I'm wrong about everything, but the way you write feels a little flippant and self centered.

Moving in together so soon seems strange.

He can't work out how much money he's got and plan ahead?

It is also strange that your daughter has zero issues with her parents breaking up and a new man in her home, all within months.

Obviously, I don't wish her to be upset, but are you sure she's not placating?

It is very easy to get caught up in a romance and in the crossed star lovers narrative, but we are grown up. Kids first, us later.

Maybe you're being responsible, level headed and sensetive about all this, and it gets lots in my personal interpertation while I read your posts. I hope so.

I am not a religious person at all, but in my birth religion it is said that causing public humiliation to someone is like spilling their blood. You and I both caused that sort of humiliation to 2 innocent women. That is only one type of pain we caused them.

Maybe if we can remember that, we can practice humility towards them and compassion and respect. I believe the ex wives can feel it and with time, maybe not hate us.

[niteandfog]

Niteandfog, you know I'm in a similar situation.

I have zero judgement on you guys leaving to be together, I did the same.

I really get it.

I'm trying to help, because I sense that you're a little caught up in the moment and seem to view everything through the prism of your big love coming true.

I think you need to let reality in and think some more about how to handle this situation.

Even their entire decade long relationship was awful, she is still an important person in his life.

Being the mother of his son makes her an important person, even if he never had one happy moment with her.

Maybe I'm wrong about everything, but the way you write feels a little flippant and self centered.

Moving in together so soon seems strange.

He can't work out how much money he's got and plan ahead?

It is also strange that your daughter has zero issues with her parents breaking up and a new man in her home, all within months.

Obviously, I don't wish her to be upset, but are you sure she's not placating?

It is very easy to get caught up in a romance and in the crossed star lovers narrative, but we are grown up. Kids first, us later.

Maybe you're being responsible, level headed and sensetive about all this, and it gets lots in my personal interpertation while I read your posts. I hope so.

I am not a religious person at all, but in my birth religion it is said that causing public humiliation to someone is like spilling their blood. You and I both caused that sort of humiliation to 2 innocent women. That is only one type of pain we caused them.

Maybe if we can remember that, we can practice humility towards them and compassion and respect. I believe the ex wives can feel it and with time, maybe not hate us.

 

 

I think the case of my daughter is slightly different to most kids as:

 

a) his dad kept the house, so nobody is moving in to HER house.

 

b) She only spends two nights three if I’m lucky every week with me. We spend time together on our own after she finishes school and every Saturday. The rest of the time she gets some sort of family time that she never got before. (We’re both musical ans so is she, so we spend our time together playing our instruments, something she never had the chance before).

 

c) when I was with my ex, she just saw me upset and crying for a very good chunk of the time and now she doesn’t see me that way. She also knows that I have zero friends (her dad has weekly get togethers) so she feels this way I’m not alone.

 

In her words, it's more fun to be three than just the two of us.

 

 

The finances bit, well he definitely doesn’t have enough to pay maintenance and other related spending and get a place of his own. He can marginally do it if he moves in... and even then it's a struggle. Apparently that has always been an issue as before he left his ex told him you “literally” can’t afford to leave.

 

Everybody seems to be backing off for the sake of his kids. Although the request remains, the only way to fix what he’s done is to leave me. She keeps pushing for it, he gets annoyed about it and then he becomes cynical about the whole situation, and that helps no-one.

 

I genuinely don’t have the “I won” attitude. I have my cross to bear of being the one with weak morals. I’m a homewrecker. Which deep inside I know I’m not. But in my darkest hours I do sometimes think it would be better if I didnt exist at all.

 

It’s also extremely hard to have all of these mixed feelings at times and have absolutely nobody to talk to. The waves of guilt and shame come and go. I’m sure she has a much worse time than me.

[imsosad]

I think the case of my daughter is slightly different to most kids as:

 

a) his dad kept the house, so nobody is moving in to HER house.

 

b) She only spends two nights three if I’m lucky every week with me. We spend time together on our own after she finishes school and every Saturday. The rest of the time she gets some sort of family time that she never got before. (We’re both musical ans so is she, so we spend our time together playing our instruments, something she never had the chance before).

 

c) when I was with my ex, she just saw me upset and crying for a very good chunk of the time and now she doesn’t see me that way. She also knows that I have zero friends (her dad has weekly get togethers) so she feels this way I’m not alone.

 

In her words, it's more fun to be three than just the two of us.

 

 

The finances bit, well he definitely doesn’t have enough to pay maintenance and other related spending and get a place of his own. He can marginally do it if he moves in... and even then it's a struggle. Apparently that has always been an issue as before he left his ex told him you “literally” can’t afford to leave.

 

Everybody seems to be backing off for the sake of his kids. Although the request remains, the only way to fix what he’s done is to leave me. She keeps pushing for it, he gets annoyed about it and then he becomes cynical about the whole situation, and that helps no-one.

 

I genuinely don’t have the “I won” attitude. I have my cross to bear of being the one with weak morals. I’m a homewrecker. Which deep inside I know I’m not. But in my darkest hours I do sometimes think it would be better if I didnt exist at all.

 

It’s also extremely hard to have all of these mixed feelings at times and have absolutely nobody to talk to. The waves of guilt and shame come and go. I’m sure she has a much worse time than me.

 

Yes, I am familiar with the bouts of guilt and shame. I know exactly what you mean

Our happiness involves someone else's devastation.

It's hard to feel like a goid person.

You are important and valuable,never doubt that.

Things will get better with time.

[niteandfog]

Yes, I am familiar with the bouts of guilt and shame. I know exactly what you mean

Our happiness involves someone else's devastation.

It's hard to feel like a goid person.

You are important and valuable,never doubt that.

Things will get better with time.

 

From the bottom of my heart thank you, that’s exactly how I feel.

[whichwayisup]

You did not make vows to this woman, so you don't owe her. If she has an ongoing gripe with anyone, it should be your partner - her ex.

 

She does owe her. Even more so since she's with this woman's (ex) husband now and there's a young boy involved. She is a step mom to their child, so his BW (ex wife) will be in their lives.

 

Time heals many wounds and eventually she'll get to the point where she can deal with you. It's too soon now. Just be the bigger person here and give her space, don't push to talk to her or ask for forgiveness. If and when she's ready, she will have a conversation with you, until then just focus on forgiving yourself.

[AlwaysGrowing]

OP, your posts come off as being Quartermaster of their relationship. You werent there, projecting your own experience/thoughts onto each of them does nothing for you. What difference would it make if there was love, friendship, happiness, contentment between during their relationship?

 

What does the defensiveness protect for you?

 

Have you had difficulty in the past in seeing other peoples perspective? POV is hugely influenced from where one is standing...it is wise to remember that.

 

Is it fair to have children put their parents happiness above their own?

 

Is it setting up children to become people pleasers because they dont want Mommy/Daddy to cry? What are we teaching children when we expect them to put their parents wants first?

 

Is it too much to expect a parent to put their own feelings aside to be there for their child? What message does it send when a parent doesnt?

[BTDT2012]

The finances bit, well he definitely doesn’t have enough to pay maintenance and other related spending and get a place of his own. He can marginally do it if he moves in... and even then it's a struggle. Apparently that has always been an issue as before he left his ex told him you “literally” can’t afford to leave.

 

 

So, you have essentially given him a safe place to land.

 

 

 

Given the situation as you described it, don't expect forgiveness any time soon. However you rationalize it, he left her to come to you.

[niteandfog]

I'm a firm believer that children's wants have to be taken into account but they aren't the one thing to base decisions on. My mom did that... (Well in theory) and the only thing I got was a mom who is extremely resentful of my dad and was completely oblivious of my ACTUAL needs. He's not going to break up with me just because his son asks him to.

[AlwaysGrowing]

I was referencing having meals with his child regardless if his wife is present.

 

Wouldnt that reassure his child?

[DKT3]

So, you have essentially given him a safe place to land.

 

 

 

Given the situation as you described it, don't expect forgiveness any time soon. However you rationalize it, he left her to come to you.

 

I'm starting to question why the guy left...I wondering if him knowing he couldn't afford it on his own played a role. I thinking the guy was wanting out of the marriage even before OP came along, so I don't think he left FOR her but left with her because it made leaving easier.

 

OP kids need stability, by you involving your child with someone you don't really know only risks more instability along with you leaving her with her dad.

[DKT3]

I'm a firm believer that children's wants have to be taken into account but they aren't the one thing to base decisions on. My mom did that... (Well in theory) and the only thing I got was a mom who is extremely resentful of my dad and was completely oblivious of my ACTUAL needs. He's not going to break up with me just because his son asks him to.

 

And you know this because you've known him for so long. Most parents would in fact leave a relationship were there is conflict between their children and partner. I for sure would never maintain a relationship with a woman my kids didn't like. I wouldn't risk them not wanting to spend time with me because of a woman I've known a few months.

[BaileyB]

Most parents would in fact leave a relationship were there is conflict between their children and partner. I for sure would never maintain a relationship with a woman my kids didn't like. I wouldn't risk them not wanting to spend time with me because of a woman I've known a few months.

 

This is a good point. I absolutely agree.

[somanymistakes]

Most parents would in fact leave a relationship were there is conflict between their children and partner. I for sure would never maintain a relationship with a woman my kids didn't like.

 

I'm sure you wouldn't, but unfortunately, that doesn't necessarily mean that 'most' parents wouldn't. Many people do choose lovers over children.

[BaileyB]

Many people do choose lovers over children.

 

Sure they do. It doesn't mean that it's the right or responsible thing to do.

 

This situation is exceptionally complicated, which is why OP was advised to take things slowly, particularly related to the children. Unfortunately, it doesn't seem like that has really happened...

[niteandfog]

Well I'm the victim of my own circumstances I guess. I'm an extremely lonely person. I have no friends nor family (I'm an expat so I know that's fairly common) but still. So I try to just grasp whatever I can of a "normal" life. My mom keeps telling me to just pack my bags and go home and well leave my daughter for. Is and then start an international custody battle. I have no ties to where I live except for my daughter.

 

 

His wife (yes he hasn't divorced it's not that easy over here) has made a point that he must see his son on my birthday. That is all well and dandy and I was expecting it. But here I am without being able to sleep, knowing that I'm going to spend half my birthday with him and half with my daughter. Which in a way is a good deal?

 

I again just feel like disappearing. I keep hoping things will get better. I always keep hoping my life will get better. I get snippets of happiness but never a long last one. This is such a rocky road I don't even know if illt make it.

[Marc878]

You are seeing reality now. The illusion of what you thought would happen rarely does in these situations.

[BaileyB]

Indeed, I would say that you are a victim of yourself.

 

As to your birthday, happy birthday.

 

My birthday just passed. My boyfriend and I took the day off this year so that we could spend some time together because, my birthday always falls on his weekend with his son. It's a long story, but that means I don't see him alone for the better part of a week. Now, his son actually seems to like me so these last few years, they have taken me out for dinner and/or come to my family dinner. Very nice, but not exactly how I would chose to spend my birthday...

 

I'm sure that I don't have to tell you that we are grown up people with grown up responsibilities including custody agreements - which means, the children always come first and we don't always get what we want. I'm also sure that she is being extra spiteful by insisting that he take his child on that night but if that is his night to have his child, then you will just need to get over it. Welcome to the wonderful world of adulthood and divorce.

 

I hope that you enjoy your birthday with your daughter.

[niteandfog]

Not his night... In fact the kid said he preferred a different day. It was all to be vindictive

[imsosad]

Not his night... In fact the kid said he preferred a different day. It was all to be vindictive

 

I get that you're disappointed, but can't you see it from her POV?

You can't expect her to be nice about your birthday.

I don't like the "she's being vinductive" narrative. It lacks empathy. Look at the magnitude of what you two did to her.

About your other post-

You sound very sad, lonely and list.

I hope you're not expecting your partner to rescue you, he seems to have issues of his own.

How long have you lived where you do now? Did you get there only on account of your husband? How far away from home are you?

His ex hating you seems to be the least of your priblems. I say that in the kindest way, I feel for you.

[niteandfog]

No I don't expect him to save me, not at all. I feel like a burden because of my loneliness. I moved here 4 years ago, moved here against my will. Always wanted to change jobs (to something more sociable) but my ex was always against it. Home is a 12 hour flight, plus 6 hours to get out of this county. I managed to make one friend,but she turned her back as she couldn't be a friend with someone with my "morals".

 

And I know what I did to her. I get it..m but my ex isn't being this way... I have never played a victim of his abuse or how we "wrecked" my life. I just get on with it.

[stillafool]

I was once the OW. My now BF left his wife for me (although he’s always claimed his marriage was an extremely unhappy one, that he definitely didnt love his wife and that he most likely never actually did).

 

Of course to her, things have not been that perfect but she still sees me as the reason why their marriage broke down.

 

Between meeting me and leaving there were only 3 months. He didnt leave because we got caught, he left and then eventually came clean. We’ve caused a lot of pain to both his wife and mostly his son.

 

We’ve been together for 8 months and I don’t expect her to forgive but at least to move on ( I know it’s way too soon, but I can only hope).

 

I don't understand why this would be any business of yours whether she moves on or not. You have what you wanted so how does what she feel or do affect you?

[BaileyB]

Not his night... In fact the kid said he preferred a different day. It was all to be vindictive

 

Well, that's too bad. She's clearly very angry, which is not surprising. Unfortunately, you are gaining a better understanding of that old saying... "Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned."

 

Of course, her reaction is different then your husband. They are different people and they will have different responses.

[stillafool]

I'm sure you wouldn't, but unfortunately, that doesn't necessarily mean that 'most' parents wouldn't. Many people do choose lovers over children.

 

This is correct. People feel entitled to have what they want these days regardless of who it affects.

[niteandfog]

I don't understand why this would be any business of yours whether she moves on or not. You have what you wanted so how does what she feel or do affect you?

 

Because then we can all move on. I know to her I wrecked her life, which I fully understand. But now I've developed paranoia about somebody shaming me in public or vandalising my property (both have happened). I just want all of us to heal. Which I get I can't ask for. So what other options have I got?

[AlwaysGrowing]

No I don't expect him to save me, not at all. I feel like a burden because of my loneliness. I moved here 4 years ago, moved here against my will. Always wanted to change jobs (to something more sociable) but my ex was always against it. Home is a 12 hour flight, plus 6 hours to get out of this county. I managed to make one friend,but she turned her back as she couldn't be a friend with someone with my "morals".

 

And I know what I did to her. I get it..m but my ex isn't being this way... I have never played a victim of his abuse or how we "wrecked" my life. I just get on with it.

 

Again, you are NOT her.

 

You state you moved “against” your will, didnt change jobs when you wanted to, are lonely, were abused. Might your affair be a coping mechanism? Seems like the affair addresses those issues for you somewhat.

 

Being that you addressed those life issues in what many would feel is in an unhealthy way why are you so quick to take inventory of how his wife is dealing with being betrayed and abandoned “against” her will?

 

You stated earlier that you yourself dont always do what your child wants. Why when his wife chooses to do something that works better for her, you hold her to a different standard?

 

Are you able to see others as seperate entities who have their own agency?