[Does the betrayed spouse] ever forgive the OW?

[somanymistakes]

Because then we can all move on. I know to her I wrecked her life, which I fully understand. But now I've developed paranoia about somebody shaming me in public or vandalising my property (both have happened). I just want all of us to heal. Which I get I can't ask for. So what other options have I got?

 

You don't need forgiveness for that, you need her to eventually get to the point of not caring. That'll be easier if you leave her alone.

 

Of course, I thought things were finally going smoothly in my situation and then suddenly his wife showed up drunk and tried to force her way into the house. I really should have guessed from the way she'd been ramping up on social media that she was going to do something crazy.

 

So I guess my advice isn't necessarily that sound.

[pepperbird]

Because then we can all move on. I know to her I wrecked her life, which I fully understand. But now I've developed paranoia about somebody shaming me in public or vandalising my property (both have happened). I just want all of us to heal. Which I get I can't ask for. So what other options have I got?

 

 

If your posts are any indication, you really have no sympathy or empathy for her at all. It's all about how it affects you. I can understand that. What you have to understand is your views/ thoughts/ coping mechanisms are not relevant at all. If you are asking about a bs, which is what your op indicates, your experiences and how fast you are moving on are absolutely irrelevant.

 

 

 

It's none of your business how long she stays angry. That's up to her. You played a role in her life falling apart, and she would be a fool to trust you in any way, shape or form.

 

Quite frankly, you telling your story and boasting about how you have moved on and wondering why she hasn't done the same shows you have no understanding of what you have helped to put her through. Leave her alone, and leave any sot of custody/visitation arrangements between her ex and her alone. They are none of your business, so stay out. If you can do that, she may eventually find you less of a painful reminder and her hostility will begin to fade. That may mean you have to eat some crow,but int he long run, it will be worth it.

[pepperbird]

Because then we can all move on. I know to her I wrecked her life, which I fully understand. But now I've developed paranoia about somebody shaming me in public or vandalising my property (both have happened). I just want all of us to heal. Which I get I can't ask for. So what other options have I got?

 

 

So you want her to move on for your own selfish reasons. You want her to pay the price for what you and her ex have done. As long as you continue to view the situation this way, she may very well stay right where she is. If you can show some humility and empathy, that might change.

[BaileyB]

So you want her to move on for your own selfish reasons. You want her to pay the price for what you and her ex have done. As long as you continue to view the situation this way, she may very well stay right where she is. If you can show some humility and empathy, that might change.

 

True.

 

Put yourself in her shoes and imagine that another woman came into your life and showed such little care or regard for your family. Imagine that your guy walked off with another woman and caused you to lose full-time custody of your child. How long do you think it would take you to "get over it" and "move on?"

 

Not to be unkind, but actions have consequences. Obviously, she doesn't have the right to assault you or your property. But, if you thought your husband and his wife were both going to wish you all the happiness you deserve in this new relationship, you were clearly wrong.

[BTDT2012]

No I don't expect him to save me, not at all. I feel like a burden because of my loneliness. I moved here 4 years ago, moved here against my will. Always wanted to change jobs (to something more sociable) but my ex was always against it. Home is a 12 hour flight, plus 6 hours to get out of this county. I managed to make one friend,but she turned her back as she couldn't be a friend with someone with my "morals".

 

And I know what I did to her. I get it..m but my ex isn't being this way... I have never played a victim of his abuse or how we "wrecked" my life. I just get on with it.

 

 

Are you already divorced?

[BaileyB]

Because then we can all move on. I know to her I wrecked her life, which I fully understand. But now I've developed paranoia about somebody shaming me in public or vandalising my property (both have happened). I just want all of us to heal. Which I get I can't ask for. So what other options have I got?

 

All you can do is lay low, for as long as it takes for them to work out their divorce and settle their issues. Allow them to establish a custody schedule and stay the heck out of their business... Your new boyfriend is going to have to deal with his soon to be ex-wife for many years because they share a child. Now would not be the time to move in together, let him move out and get established on his own with his child. It will take her a LONG time to settle down and she would be a fool to ever trust you. You may feel like you are at the end of this road, now that you have left your husband and you have "got" your man... But, you are only at the beginning of this new journey, my friend. The beginning of what I think will be a very long and bumpy journey...

[stillafool]

Because then we can all move on. I know to her I wrecked her life, which I fully understand. But now I've developed paranoia about somebody shaming me in public or vandalising my property (both have happened). I just want all of us to heal. Which I get I can't ask for. So what other options have I got?

 

Has she threatened to shame you in public or vandalize your property? If not, that is your paranoia and has nothing to do with her. It isn't her responsibility to make you feel secure. As long as you're minding your business and she's minding hers; just leave her alone.

[BluesPower]

All of these things... that are happening, you were told were going to happen.

 

Now, I am not condemning you, not really, but let's think about all of this differently.

 

Why don't you just accept that what you and he did was crappy. Then understand that you did wreck her life, form her perspective.

 

And then why don't you just chill out and let all of this unfold the whole time you are as kind, giving and graceful as you can possible be.

 

Think about owning everything that you did, and just endeavor to be the best, kindest person that you can possibly be.

 

Just another way to think about it...

[niteandfog]

Has she threatened to shame you in public or vandalize your property? If not, that is your paranoia and has nothing to do with her. It isn't her responsibility to make you feel secure. As long as you're minding your business and she's minding hers; just leave her alone.

 

She's actually done both.

[niteandfog]

All of these things... that are happening, you were told were going to happen.

 

Now, I am not condemning you, not really, but let's think about all of this differently.

 

Why don't you just accept that what you and he did was crappy. Then understand that you did wreck her life, form her perspective.

 

And then why don't you just chill out and let all of this unfold the whole time you are as kind, giving and graceful as you can possible be.

 

Think about owning everything that you did, and just endeavor to be the best, kindest person that you can possibly be.

 

Just another way to think about it...

 

I do. I try my very best to avoid her. I'm missing school stuff so I don't bump into her. We've never posted anything about the two of us.

 

I've tried to help their son by doing some research on counseling and how to cope with what he's been through.

 

I never get upset/angry about anything she might or might not do (apart from my birthday) . I actually sometimes play "her side" when we talk about her with my BF.

 

I tried to explain to my daughter how his ex is hurting so she tries to be as tactful as she can.

 

 

And yes, as of a week ago I've been officially divorced.

[somanymistakes]

She's actually done both.

 

Sorry to hear that.

 

Unfortunately there's no fast solution.

 

If she goes over the line you can call the police but sometimes you don't want to escalate (we didn't either).

 

This will take time.

[stillafool]

She's actually done both.

 

What did your MM do about this?

[BaileyB]

I've tried to help their son by doing some research on counseling and how to cope with what he's been through.

 

I tried to explain to my daughter how his ex is hurting so she tries to be as tactful as she can.

 

First, it's not your place to parent their son. If his parents think that their son needs counselling, they will do the research and send him to a counsellor. Don't try to parent their child. He is not your son.

 

Second, how old is your daughter? Young, right? Respectfully, you should not be involving children in adult problems. Be very careful about what you tell your daughter. She has had enough to deal with already, with her parents divorce.

 

And finally, your boyfriend needs to tell his ex-wife that assaulting you verbally or physically is not acceptable behavior and if it happens again, you will go to the police and file a restraining order. She may be angry, but this is crossing the line. HE needs to be firm with her, not you.

[imsosad]

First, it's not your place to parent their son. If his parents think that their son needs counselling, they will do the research and send him to a counsellor. Don't try to parent their child. He is not your son.

 

Second, how old is your daughter? Young, right? Respectfully, you should not be involving children in adult problems. Be very careful about what you tell your daughter. She has had enough to deal with already, with her parents divorce.

 

And finally, your boyfriend needs to tell his ex-wife that assaulting you verbally or physically is not acceptable behavior and if it happens again, you will go to the police and file a restraining order. She may be angry, but this is crossing the line. HE needs to be firm with her, not you.

 

I totally agree.

The son has two parents, they will handle his issues. Take a step back.

Your daughter is not responsible for your partner's well being.

It's very easy-and tempting- when going through 2 divorces, to involve the children in adult issues and burdening them.

Somehow, without you ever meaning to do so, you can find your child taking on a parental role, which is damaging and inappropropriate.

My friend, I know you mean well, and you just want to be done with the mess and begin a better life but the only way around is through.

You have got to be patient and let things play out.

It's just not feasable to turn 2 families in to one happy one in a hearbeat.

You don't have to control everything and it's not on you to solve everybody's problems.

Let it be for a while, give everyone involved a chance to figure out the new routine, even if it involves some negative feedback and emotions.

I think you really want it to be simple, but even in the best possible circumstances, it's a complex mess.

I hope things work out for you.

[BaileyB]

My friend, I know you mean well, and you just want to be done with the mess and begin a better life but the only way around is through. You have got to be patient and let things play out.

It's just not feasable to turn 2 families in to one happy one in a hearbeat.

You don't have to control everything and it's not on you to solve everybody's problems.

Let it be for a while, give everyone involved a chance to figure out the new routine, even if it involves some negative feedback and feeling.

I think you really want it to be simple, but even in the best possible circumstances, it's a complex mess.

I hope things work out for you.

 

I totally agree. Well said.

 

If you have any hope that is will work out, you need to take a step back. You can't fix this, and you need to get comfortable being uncomfortable and not in control because that is how it will feel, for a very long time.

[niteandfog]

Thanks guys! I talk to my shrink about it. And how I'm also developing paranoia. She told me to accommodate a bit so things aren't that awkward but not give in completely to her demands. The police knows (and they know I've told the police about the assaults). I guess I just need to be stronger I just don't want things to escalate. So that's why I give in (apart from breaking up with him to her demands).