How do you know when it's time for divorce?

[openheart3]

For the last few months I have considered divorce off and on. My husband and I have been married 5 years, together for nearly 10 and we've got two little kids. How do I know when it's time to pull the plug?

 

My issue with him is that he constantly has an issue with me. We have sex 2-3 times a week and it's never enough, he says I don't listen and that I tell him things and then do the opposite. He is constantly griping and complaining at me about everything and he's always the one to start the fights.

 

Now I'm sure everyone is like "You must be the issue." But I truly do not feel that I am. I am easy going, positive, fun and up beat. I do take responsibility for my part in his "complaints." I have agreed to try to be more affectionate and a better listener (and I truly feel I have put forth a good effort in trying to do so). But, again, it's never enough.

 

I sometimes wonder why, if he's so miserable, he hasn't just divorced me yet. I often feel like this man is trying to bring me down and beat down my soul. He was so fun to be around when we were younger and now it's like he's just so unhappy.

 

I am trying to make this work, but I don't know for how much longer. I have tremendous guilt because of our children. I am also a SAHM and deathly afraid of the lifestyle I will be subjecting my children to if we divorce. We are not rich by any means, but we live in a nice house in a nice neighborhood and we live comfortably. I feel like I would be setting up my children for a life time of struggle by breaking this marriage. I don't know where I would go or what I would do for a living.

 

Is this marriage done? How do I know when it's really over? Am I giving up too easily? Is this just a "rough patch." I just feel lost.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

You sound like perfect candidates for marriage counseling. Have you tried it?

 

Also, as far as making a living if you divorced.....what did you do for work before you had kids? Before you were married?

[fredflint]

Have you told him that if he's unhappy and not fun much of the time, and if he complains about you often, this is seriously impacting the way you feel about him and making you reconsider your relationship? You have a duty to tell him your grievances *before* resentment builds. If you don't make clear to him how serious this is for you, AND how dangerous this is for your marriage, you're not being fair to him. Otherwise you will up and leave him one day and he'll be totally blindsided.

[basil67]

I think you're the perfect candidate for the line "you need someone who can make you happy. You've made it clear that I am not that person"

[carhill]

Welcome to LS......

 

Absent major issues like abuse or infidelity, IMO it's time when the two spouses can sit down and clearly and calmly enumerate their needs in the marriage and one or both clearly state that they cannot/will not meet those needs. Marriage counseling can help clarify and codify that conversation.

 

In retrospect, now a long time ago, I really respect how our psychologist worked us through the issues and got us to the point where all he had to share was 'OK, now you have a decision to make'. We took it from there. Though divorce is never easy IMO, we got a small clue of scope when the courthouse self-help clerk shared that they rarely see two divorcing spouses as cooperative as we were. Yeah, if she'd only seen the rancor a year or two before

 

With two small children and no apparent infidelity or abuse, try alternatives before pulling the plug. You've been together ten years. That's a long time.

 

If your H is unwilling to seek outside help, professional or otherwise, go by yourself. Do it for the family. If nothing else, it can smooth the divorce process should you make that decision.

[Mr. Lucky]

How do I know when it's really over?

 

The short answer is, when the benefits of being single outweigh the pain of being together, it's time to pull the plug.

 

Right now, you're in a dangerous place relationship wise. He has no idea how disconnected you are and you don't seem to understand what he wants.

 

Since it's already been suggested, I'll just echo the need for counseling...

 

Mr. Lucky

[somanymistakes]

Unless one spouse is actively dangerous to the other, "time" should only be called after both parties have sat down and talked about their issues, what they want out of the relationship, how they feel about how things currently are, etc. If necessary, with a counselor to help you mediate it.

 

It's not fair to just sit around feeling miserable and then one day throw in the towel, done.

 

Sometimes there are things going on with each other that you don't realise. You owe your spouse the chance to face reality before you just leave.

 

However, if you tell them clearly that things are in trouble and that you need to work on this together or you will have to split up and they still won't talk? Then you did your best and you can prepare to move on.

[MidnightBlue1980]

 

Is this marriage done? How do I know when it's really over? Am I giving up too easily? Is this just a "rough patch." I just feel lost.

 

Before you do anything I would advise thinking about getting a job. I know you will say, but I'm a SAHM and who will take care of the kids, plus what would I do?

 

Here's the thing - if you divorce, you will no longer be a SAHM. You will have to get a job anyway. You will either sell the house or he will buy you out and you will try to live on your share of the equity plus maybe part of his retirement for a while. The taxes will kill you. You will live in an apartment (if you are lucky), at your parents or sleep on someone's couch (and yes, I know someone who was a SAHM and she is now sleeping on a friends couch as she went thru the money).

 

I'm not saying stay in a marriage if you are miserable for the comforts but if you think you may want out, plan ahead now. And know that you are in the thick of it. Most marriages are miserable with little kids. Everything you are describing is very normal and typical. It does get better as they get older.

 

BTW, I got divorced once and when you want a divorce, you know. You just want out and you would chew off your right arm to get out. You don't sound at that point.

[DKT3]

Midnight is right, when it's over you know it. When I was struggling with my marriage the thought of divorce went from fear to relief, once the decision was made I felt a calming warmth almost excitement.

 

It's a mistake to view your marriage issues as his problem, its is never one spouse. There is always a rotating cause and affect in bad marriages. Lack of communication makes what you felt was a small thing turn to big resentment.

[Mr. Lucky]

Before you do anything I would advise thinking about getting a job. I know you will say, but I'm a SAHM and who will take care of the kids, plus what would I do?

 

Beyond these good points, getting a job also sends a clear and powerful message. It indicates, while you're willing to work on the marriage, you're also preparing for any outcome.

 

Your husband treats you this way because he feels he can - where else would you go?. Time to remove that certainty from the table...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Striver]

You need to get the message to your H that you aren't happy, more so than you are doing now. He apparently isn't aware. Make him aware, by any means necessary. Schedule marriage counseling, say I am not happy, here is this appointment, I will be going, you need to go. If you don't like confrontation, find the easiest path for yourself possible.

 

Marriage may last just a short time, but divorce is forever. You two got along at some point. Being together 10 years is a long time. At some point most of us are just winging it, there is no manual. It's an intense process.

 

Your H is still pursuing you for sex. Maybe too much. A lot of marriages have the opposite problem. Yours does not. I am not saying that too much cannot be a problem. But be mindful that your H still cares about you in a deep down way, even though he's not expressing himself well, maybe not making good decisions with his love at this time.

 

Many people are not happy being divorced. Keep this in mind. I am unhappily divorced. I had no choice in mine.

 

10 years from now, do you still plan to be in a LTR? In a hypothetical situation, if you split with your H, at some point you are going to be in the exact same position with another man. How do you know you won't have issues with him? You will have baggage of two young children. They won't be his. He may have kids of his own. Prepared for that? Prepared for issues involving the breakup of his marriage that he hasn't dealt with?

 

If H is a decent guy who just needs some marriage skills, it does not generally work out to break up the marriage. Because you are just going to have to repeat the process. You may get some "honeymoon" period with a new person, but it will probably be more superficial and less deeply rooted. Because one or both of you know that one or both of you can just chuck the whole thing in the wastebasket for any reason, or no reason at all.

 

So please attempt some counselling, attempt to wake up H to how you feel.

[StartingOver77]

If your H is unwilling to seek outside help, professional or otherwise, go by yourself. Do it for the family. If nothing else, it can smooth the divorce process should you make that decision.

 

This. Fight for your marriage, at all costs, before giving up. Marriage takes constant work. If no consistent work is done, the marriage will become stagnant and you both will grow apart. Through proper counselling, you may find yourself growing and he may jump on board as well. You have 2 children and you both are capable of fixing the situation. The people you both fell in love with may not exist any more, and that's okay. Doesn't mean you still don't care or can't love each other. Who knows, in the end you maybe more happier than you have ever been (whether it works out or not). That's why you fight for it, you need to find out if it's worth it. I hope for you and the children it works out. It sounds like he cares so you really have that going for you. Your marriage sounds like it just needs communication.

Edited June 20, 2018 by StartingOver77

[OwlLover]

I am so sorry for your confusion and struggles. Although I can not personally say what you should do I can give my advice on the kids. I am a teenager of parents currently going through divorce. I came to this forum to hopefully help parents see what it is like for the kids. In my personal experience I watched my parents fight and struggle and grow despairing of each other for sixteen years. I would've much rather grown up with separated parents that were happy individually than the mess of a marriage it ended up being. Not only as the relationship hard on me but the divorce as an older child is harder because I am stuck in the middle of the two of them. For the kids, especially if they are really young I think it is best to separate instead staying in an unhappy marriage. hope my response gives you some benefit on the kids. best of luck.