Would you be Single Parent

[Mysterio]

So my ex has wanted to be a mother. This is the reason, why we did not stay together. I just could not be pushed that fast to be a father after 5 months of dating.

 

Anyways. She got pregnant. I don't know if its the new guy she is seeing, or she was looking into Insemination. There is no info on the Father. If it was him, then she would say so and so and I are expecting. The new guy she just started seeing in Feb. I can't imagine he would be going along with having a kid with her. I think it was Insemination,as I last saw hr this past March as we are still friends.

 

I just wanted to ask you all. Men and Women. If you did not find the love or your life as yet and the clock was ticking. Would you go for being a single parent, without the other partner around/your not romantically involved with you at all.

 

To each their own. I am happy for her. I just don't understand the need to have a child with out the other parent around. Its one thing if your widowed, but to bring a child in with out the other person side by side.

 

I can see some women being like this. Not men. I wonder why that is. None of my single men friends want kids with out the woman by their side.

 

This post is not to burn my Ex. Its just to ask why bring a child into this world with out both parents being together if possible.

 

It has not hit me yet. For some reason. I have no desire to bring a child into this world, unless the woman and I are very gelled with each other as co-parents and our child will see and be raised with two parents that love each other and can work out problems between each other in a loving humours way.

Edited June 16, 2018 by Mysterio

[knitwit]

Yes. I have a cousin who became a single parent via artificial insemination; her son is now 11 years old and they have done well. I also know a few single women who became mothers via the foster care system/adoption.

 

It may not be ideal- all the women I know mentioned above would have preferred to have had a partner. But none of them met the right guy (two of the foster care moms I know were married but got divorced) and didn't want their dream of motherhood to be lost.

 

If my husband and I hadn't gotten together, I would have tried to be a single mom. At one point while we were dating, I thought my husband had changed his mind and didn't want kids anymore. I was heartbroken because I knew that would be the end of us. Luckily, I was mistaken, and we are happy parents today.

[Mysterio]

Here is my thing. Why does it seem to me that Single Parents between the Men and Women. No Man would ever contemplate that.

 

If my ex was really wanting to be a mother. After me. How hard is it to find a man that wants to have a child with her. Or any woman. Those men are out there.

 

For me. I have to have things done in a methodical way. So that means if a woman really wants to have a child with me and parent them. She has to be very loving/giving and physically affectionate to make that happen and it going to be at least a 3 yr road possibly 4.

 

Year One-Date and become BF/GF/ Yr 2 get into reality. Yr3- Live together/Engaged/Married. Yr 4 have a child if so desired. My Ex is 41.

 

Bottom line. Why are men not wanting to have kids out of wedlock on purpose. Yet Women have no problem with that.

 

For me. Once again. I do not want to have a child out of wedlock. If I bring a child into this world. Its within a loving relationship. If I am a single parent. Its because the woman passed away. No Divorce or anything like that. At least on my end.

 

I also don't have that desire to have a child if she is of the same mind set as I. If she wants to have a child with me. Its 4 yrs from when we meet or 3 at the quickest. I can't see myself meeting a woman and then a Yr later having a child with her. Not unless we are engaged to be married. Or she is someone I am so charmed by.

 

I have yet to meet such a woman like that. There will be no oops pregnancy. Will full intent pregnancy only.

[carhill]

Yeah, back before I got married I was looking into that. It was part of the reason I traveled to the FSU. Adoption here in the US for single males is 'fuggetaboutit'.

 

Though married, I watched my cousin father his two kids from infants taking them to jobs with him (his wife worked for .gov) while he ran his landscape crews (he ran a landscape company that landscaped much of what now is Silicon Valley). There were always pictures of him and his kids on job sites either being carried like a papoose or walking with him. That inspired me.

 

I've never been much of a statistic on anything so have no idea on the men/women/kids thing. I didn't really care what society did, only that they and the legal community were in my way. The enemy.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I think it would be extremely rare for a single male to do this because, let's face it, women do most of the work when it comes to rearing babies! (Gay couples are the exception)

 

However, I have several friends who have become single moms by choice in their forties . A couple of them chose international adoption, and I know three who did AI and gave birth (one gave birth twice ). They are ALL absolutely amazing mothers. They were, first and foremost, confident and career driven/successful to begin with (so they have the financial ability to support their kids), AND have great family support. I love their little families . (Well, maybe not one of them because she's an extreme liberal/feminist who I think is 100% determined that her toddler son will be gay just so SHE can prove a point, but that's a whole 'nother issue ).

[Mr. Lucky]

However, I have several friends who have become single moms by choice in their forties . A couple of them chose international adoption, and I know three who did AI and gave birth (one gave birth twice ). They are ALL absolutely amazing mothers.

 

My experience also with friends. And it makes sense that those who want to be parents and go to extraordinary lengths would be more involved than accidental moms and dads...

 

Mr. Lucky

[thefooloftheyear]

Its selfish, IMO...

 

There are just vital life lessons and experiences kids get from both parents...No man could be a perfect mom and no woman could replace a father...Even if the parents don't get along, its still best that there are both influencing a child's life..

 

At least if you are going to do it, adopting an underprivileged kid would be a better option than going to a sperm bank for some "designer" sperm..like some of these people do.......

 

As for the OP..you did the right thing by not having a kid with this woman....My only advice now is stop worrying about what she does and worry about what you want and need...

 

To answer your question the only way id be a single parent is if she died...If I am honest though id probably be looking for a "replacement" mom in that scenario...

 

TFY

Edited June 17, 2018 by thefooloftheyear

[Mysterio]

I am not worried about it. I got out of it I know that we were not compatable Long term. I just believe that I will live a long life 87 to 97 and I will meet a great girl and win in the end. I believe in myself. Its a great relationship with a woman first thats basically gelled. Before creating a life together.

[noelle303]

I was 20 when I got pregnant with my daughter and I decided to parent even though I was fully aware that I was going to be a single parent.

 

I know it's not technically the same since the pregnancy was accidental, I am pro-choice and I considered abortion, but decided against it. So I do consider parenthood, and single parenthood as well, to be a choice of mine.

 

Some people would say I'm crazy to choose to be a single mom at that age, but I don't regret it one single bit. I wouldn't be a good wife, it's just not for me. But I am an excellent mother and we have a very happy and stable family, just the two of us and our extended family.

 

People are different - some want that love story and to find the perfect person and that's their primary goal and some want parenthood and finding someone is simply their stop on the way to parenthood.

 

I love being a single parent and have no plans to get married ever.

[anika99]

Here is my thing. Why does it seem to me that Single Parents between the Men and Women. No Man would ever contemplate that.

 

If my ex was really wanting to be a mother. After me. How hard is it to find a man that wants to have a child with her. Or any woman. Those men are out there.

 

For me. I have to have things done in a methodical way. So that means if a woman really wants to have a child with me and parent them. She has to be very loving/giving and physically affectionate to make that happen and it going to be at least a 3 yr road possibly 4.

 

Year One-Date and become BF/GF/ Yr 2 get into reality. Yr3- Live together/Engaged/Married. Yr 4 have a child if so desired. My Ex is 41.

 

Bottom line. Why are men not wanting to have kids out of wedlock on purpose. Yet Women have no problem with that.

 

For me. Once again. I do not want to have a child out of wedlock. If I bring a child into this world. Its within a loving relationship. If I am a single parent. Its because the woman passed away. No Divorce or anything like that. At least on my end.

 

I also don't have that desire to have a child if she is of the same mind set as I. If she wants to have a child with me. Its 4 yrs from when we meet or 3 at the quickest. I can't see myself meeting a woman and then a Yr later having a child with her. Not unless we are engaged to be married. Or she is someone I am so charmed by.

 

I have yet to meet such a woman like that. There will be no oops pregnancy. Will full intent pregnancy only.

 

I think there are single men who have adopted older kids from the foster care system. However I agree that it's mostly women who get that strong pull to have a baby. Men might want to become a parent too but they are more pragmatic about it. They want to x amount of dollars saved first, own a house, have the job of their dreams, etc. LOL...if everyone took that approach most of us wouldn't even exist.

 

For women, I think it's biology. Having a baby to nurture seems to be an innate desire for lots of women (not all) and on top of that, there is an ideal window of time to get pregnant and to have a healthy baby. After 35 fertility drops and chances of birth defects rise. Lot and lots of women have perfectly healthy babies in their late thirties and into their forties but most don't want to take the risk that they wont' ever have a baby because they waited too long.

[anika99]

Its selfish, IMO...

 

There are just vital life lessons and experiences kids get from both parents...No man could be a perfect mom and no woman could replace a father...Even if the parents don't get along, its still best that there are both influencing a child's life..

 

At least if you are going to do it, adopting an underprivileged kid would be a better option than going to a sperm bank for some "designer" sperm..like some of these people do.......

 

As for the OP..you did the right thing by not having a kid with this woman....My only advice now is stop worrying about what she does and worry about what you want and need...

 

To answer your question the only way id be a single parent is if she died...If I am honest though id probably be looking for a "replacement" mom in that scenario...

 

TFY

 

Well most people have babies for selfish reasons, married or not. I do agree that it's best for kids to have a mother and a father but plenty of kids who have both parents at home are still not living ideal lives. Just being married doesn't mean that people will be good parents.

 

A woman choosing to have a baby by insemination may have already considered that their baby will need someone to be a father figure and have somebody who has agreed to be that person. Maybe the mom has a brother or lifelong male friend who has agreed to take a fatherly role to the child.

 

In an ideal world every baby would be born to a loving, emotionally and financially healthy mom and dad who are happily married to each other throughout the babies entire childhood. But the world is not ideal.

[Mysterio]

I think that if a woman has not found a partner to have a kid with. If she wants to have insemination and be a single parent fine.

 

Men would just mentor a boy or join Big Brothers. They would not go out and have a kid on their own. None of my male friends that are single would never adopt a child. Some of my single female friends. One in particular to me feels like she only wants to have a BF so she can have a child with.

 

As I keep saying for me. Only way I have a child is being married. So that is at least yr 3 being with the woman and having a lot of time in with each other.

[thefooloftheyear]

Well most people have babies for selfish reasons, married or not. I do agree that it's best for kids to have a mother and a father but plenty of kids who have both parents at home are still not living ideal lives. Just being married doesn't mean that people will be good parents.

 

A woman choosing to have a baby by insemination may have already considered that their baby will need someone to be a father figure and have somebody who has agreed to be that person. Maybe the mom has a brother or lifelong male friend who has agreed to take a fatherly role to the child.

 

In an ideal world every baby would be born to a loving, emotionally and financially healthy mom and dad who are happily married to each other throughout the babies entire childhood. But the world is not ideal.

 

I get your point...

 

But having said that, kids that are brought into the world with proper m/f parents are at least, in most cases, going in with ideal intentions...Sure, as you say, shyt falls apart, and that;s just life...Then we all try to do the best we can and give the kids as normal as a life as we can...

 

I guess I take some issue with some of these almost menopausal women that now think that they can do this and have an arrogant anti male/father figure attitude about it...Do what you want, its a free country, but I just don't think its an ideal situation for the kid(s)...IMO,. its not..

 

TFY

[noelle303]

I think that if a woman has not found a partner to have a kid with. If she wants to have insemination and be a single parent fine.

 

Men would just mentor a boy or join Big Brothers. They would not go out and have a kid on their own. None of my male friends that are single would never adopt a child. Some of my single female friends. One in particular to me feels like she only wants to have a BF so she can have a child with.

 

As I keep saying for me. Only way I have a child is being married. So that is at least yr 3 being with the woman and having a lot of time in with each other.

 

Well...that's you. People are different.

 

I also want to point out that a marriage is not a guarantee for anything. Marriages fail all the time.

[bathtub-row]

Children, for all intents are forever, spouses are not, historically speaking. If a person is thinking strictly in terms of having a forever bond, we typically get that from our children.

 

Good luck with the notion that you’ll find a spouse that you can raise a child with long term. It does happen, of course, but you’ve got about a 50/50 chance. Most people don’t walk into a marriage thinking they’ll have kids and divorce. Or, as in my own case, as opposed as I was to divorcing when kids are involved, I didn’t anticipate having a spouse who would make me want to shoot my brains out. I was never that big on having kids, either, but he was. There are actually a lot of men out there who want a family and it’s a dealbreaker if the woman doesn’t want that.

 

If your ex was that hung up on having kids, she would be inclined to do that in any way she could. Being a single parent is a very tough job but she’s driven enough to get past that hurdle.

[OwlLover]

I am a teenager of parents no longer together. My father was not fit to take care of me, my mother did not love him anymore and they went their separate ways, Life became much easier with just my mom and she proudly raised me by herself with no problem. I think it depends on circumstances, for me it worked out for the better.

[Mysterio]

My thing is why are Men that not gung ho about raising kids on their own. Why don't I see/hear men trying to raise a child on their own.

 

I find women lean towards this most of the time.

[IndigoNight]

There are many men who successfully raise their child/ren on their own. One can find numerous parenting forums and groups online specifically for single dads. There are even groups on FB and other sites for fathers to arrange play dates with other single dads.

 

It isn't that men, in general, don't have any desire to raise children on their own, but more like society doesn't generally acknowledge how many men do it. (commercials generally tend to show the mom with kids, and aim products towards women more than men when it comes to baby products, etc).

 

It also doesn't help that many courts still lean towards awarding custody to mothers, even when they may not be the best option for the child/ren. Attitudes are changing though, and more men are able to get custody of their children. The idea of a man receiving child support, instead of paying it, is rarely talked about in parenting forums, or in general really. It happens, it just isn't very common. Men being forced to pay child support for a child they never get to see, now that is a common conversation, everywhere!

 

I think, in many ways, single fathers have a harder time raising children on their own, and are treated differently than single mothers. I've seen it personally. Single moms being complimented for raising kids on their own, and single fathers getting a sideways glance, and asked invasive questions about where is the mother. A few years ago, I was with a male friend at a park with his kids, and he was asked to leave (rudely) unless he had children playing. The person who confronted him did not approach any women, only men! He was treated like a predator, because he was a single dad at the park (as were the other 4 men there that day. All of them were confronted by the same lady as my friend. I do mean confronted, not asked. She was rude to all of them.). I doubt many women experience that kind of thing happening while playing at the park with their kids.

 

I have known quite a few single dads, and for the most part they worked as hard, if not harder, to raise their kids as any single mom I've known. Personally, I give credit to any single parent, man or woman, who is able to raise happy, healthy and well rounded children into adults. It is difficult enough in a two parent home!

[BluEyeL]

I did not read the replies, just the OP. YES, I would totally be OK with being a single parent if I couldn't find someone on time.

 

 

 

I was a single mom (not by choice) and my son and I had a wonderful time together, had caring friends and family, enough money to have great quality of life, and he had the happiest childhood. He's now 16 and away to San Francisco and he just texted me "I love SF, but I can't wait to be home to you, R (his step father) and the dogs"

 

 

I know what being a single parent means and I'd do it by choice. That is, if sufficient financial stability exists so that a good, happy and safe childhood can be offered to the kid.

[basil67]

For me. I have to have things done in a methodical way. So that means if a woman really wants to have a child with me and parent them. She has to be very loving/giving and physically affectionate to make that happen and it going to be at least a 3 yr road possibly 4.

 

Year One-Date and become BF/GF/ Yr 2 get into reality. Yr3- Live together/Engaged/Married. Yr 4 have a child if so desired. My Ex is 41.

 

Mysterio, your methodical way is only good for women who are much younger (more fertile) than your ex. If she'd stayed with you and done things on your timeline - which would mean STARTING to try and conceive at age 44 or so, the odds of her having children would be virtually zero.

 

I suspect that you don't have much understanding of women's fertility. Either that, or you don't care about their fertility timeline. The upshot is that at age 41, your ex had no time to lose.

[Leigh 87]

I would prefer a partner/husband before having a child personally.

 

A newborn is an awfully hard thing to manage even with a supportive partner and help. I know hard working mums who had their mums move in with them as soon as their infant came home frm hospital - AND they also had supportive spouses who also took time off to stay home in that first month..

 

They still never slept at all, felt very off and barely able to function due to literally not sleeping for weeks at a time. Even with help.

 

As crazy as it sounds - yes I WOULD absolutely be a single mum by choice IF I could not manage to find a man by age 35. I would have a good job by that stage (podiatry), and I would simply march right to an IVF clinic and conceive artificially. True love can come later - fertility has a time frame in which it is a reality.

 

If a woman worked hard and has a good career and can afford to support an infant financially with time taken off work in the early stages, why not?

 

Most women have a very innate drive to be mothers. In 2018 no one has a right to tell a woman that she should miss out on the joys of motherhood because her life is not X Y or Z.

 

I do draw the line at irresponsible parenting; if a woman is dirt poor and has no degree or career path at least lined up, and if she is never willing to put in effort to provide and fully intends to remain welfare dependant - then yeah, she is an idiot for breeding solo! It is all well and good if a poverty stricken woman finds a partner with a job - and can support a child when she fails to bring in any income.

 

In my case - my parents would be retired by age 35 and would gladly have stayed home with baby from early days to help me. It would NEVER be my first choice, and it may be rather selfish; on the other hand, if a woman can afford it and has a good job/degree/solid future career wise - then I do not see any lasting issues or traumas that would be sustained by way of single parenthood alone......

 

I feel lucky to have a partner and it would be very upsetting to have to bypass that intimate bond of child birth, pregnancy and raising an infant that is yours - TOGETHER - I would be very upset at losing out on that more complete experience of motherhood. Then again, I also know many relationships that are not true love based and where the lady fell pregnant by accident, and the guy feels stuck for life despite not actually loving their partners nor having ever been in love in the first place.

 

True love is rare, not just everyone feels a mutual spark and gets to end up with the people they actually feel the most excited about. I have written extensively about different types of falling in love, and a lot of relationships are more convenience based than they were love based.

 

True love and motherhood are not always concurrent and they CAN be mutually exclusive - sometimes the motherhood has to come first and the true love bit later, and that can end up making for a better life for all involved as opposed to say, settling with a man for convenience only to ONLY derive joy from a child and 0 joy from the actual relationship....

 

I know my first choice is to be in love with the father of my prospective child, but my second choice is a emphatically to have the child solo and love IT, and then find a man after the birth with whom I share true love with.

 

It looks a tad empty in a sense, my friend is in a loveless marriage with 4 young kids.... Sure, his work, friends and children make his life great.. But you know, it is a bit of a shame he misses out on sharing that true intimacy that developing true feelings for your partner also brings to the table. And yes he has came out and told me himself that he was suffering in silence in a loveless marriage. Yes we are just friends and he told me because he was very upset about it and didn't know who to turn to that (that wouldn't judge him or go running to tell his wife).

 

My approach is tailored to tick off the boxes: a child and a happy marriage, and a good job for both my and a spouse (good job not rich). So what if I do not do this all in the "usual" order?

[No_Go]

I pretty much completely agree with this entire post.

 

Careers first, marriage/partnership and lastly child is obviously the ideal situation but life doesn’t always work that way. Fertility gives us very limited windows to be mothers, one can find love on the other hand in any point if their life. One can develop a good career later in life too.

 

So my first choice will be having a baby with my partner, but if this doesn’t happen in the next 2 years (by 35), I’ll extract some eggs and see whether to do IVF immediately or buy a couple of years with freezing.

 

Being a single parent for a financially secure woman/man is nothing to be ashamed about. And probably the child will be much happier anyway with a single parent than with 2 parents in strained relationship...

 

I would prefer a partner/husband before having a child personally.

 

A newborn is an awfully hard thing to manage even with a supportive partner and help. I know hard working mums who had their mums move in with them as soon as their infant came home frm hospital - AND they also had supportive spouses who also took time off to stay home in that first month..

 

They still never slept at all, felt very off and barely able to function due to literally not sleeping for weeks at a time. Even with help.

 

As crazy as it sounds - yes I WOULD absolutely be a single mum by choice IF I could not manage to find a man by age 35. I would have a good job by that stage (podiatry), and I would simply march right to an IVF clinic and conceive artificially. True love can come later - fertility has a time frame in which it is a reality.

 

If a woman worked hard and has a good career and can afford to support an infant financially with time taken off work in the early stages, why not?

 

Most women have a very innate drive to be mothers. In 2018 no one has a right to tell a woman that she should miss out on the joys of motherhood because her life is not X Y or Z.

 

I do draw the line at irresponsible parenting; if a woman is dirt poor and has no degree or career path at least lined up, and if she is never willing to put in effort to provide and fully intends to remain welfare dependant - then yeah, she is an idiot for breeding solo! It is all well and good if a poverty stricken woman finds a partner with a job - and can support a child when she fails to bring in any income.

 

In my case - my parents would be retired by age 35 and would gladly have stayed home with baby from early days to help me. It would NEVER be my first choice, and it may be rather selfish; on the other hand, if a woman can afford it and has a good job/degree/solid future career wise - then I do not see any lasting issues or traumas that would be sustained by way of single parenthood alone......

 

I feel lucky to have a partner and it would be very upsetting to have to bypass that intimate bond of child birth, pregnancy and raising an infant that is yours - TOGETHER - I would be very upset at losing out on that more complete experience of motherhood. Then again, I also know many relationships that are not true love based and where the lady fell pregnant by accident, and the guy feels stuck for life despite not actually loving their partners nor having ever been in love in the first place.

 

True love is rare, not just everyone feels a mutual spark and gets to end up with the people they actually feel the most excited about. I have written extensively about different types of falling in love, and a lot of relationships are more convenience based than they were love based.

 

True love and motherhood are not always concurrent and they CAN be mutually exclusive - sometimes the motherhood has to come first and the true love bit later, and that can end up making for a better life for all involved as opposed to say, settling with a man for convenience only to ONLY derive joy from a child and 0 joy from the actual relationship....

 

I know my first choice is to be in love with the father of my prospective child, but my second choice is a emphatically to have the child solo and love IT, and then find a man after the birth with whom I share true love with.

 

It looks a tad empty in a sense, my friend is in a loveless marriage with 4 young kids.... Sure, his work, friends and children make his life great.. But you know, it is a bit of a shame he misses out on sharing that true intimacy that developing true feelings for your partner also brings to the table. And yes he has came out and told me himself that he was suffering in silence in a loveless marriage. Yes we are just friends and he told me because he was very upset about it and didn't know who to turn to that (that wouldn't judge him or go running to tell his wife).

 

My approach is tailored to tick off the boxes: a child and a happy marriage, and a good job for both my and a spouse (good job not rich). So what if I do not do this all in the "usual" order?

[darkmoon]

only if you can explain to the child why you have a Dad, but the child does not ... think kids are just a theoretical add-on? then you haven't looked at this from the child's pov

 

 

so answer "where's my Dad?" and/or "if you have a Dad, then so should I"

[Mysterio]

I just want to state some things, because I want you all to know the scoop.

 

In 2012. I met my EX. I was 41 she was 35. We dated for 5 months. At first it was great. Then towards the fall. She started talking about wanting kids. I felt that was way too much at that stage. We had a mini break up. Then we split for good. We remained friends.

 

She dated other guys. I since our break up in 2012. I have had 3 romantic prospects. AK in 2013. T in 2015 and In August 2017. I atempted to date a woman from my gym, but found out that she was married, so that was put to rest right away.

 

My Ex asked me 2 yrs ago if I would be willing to have a child with her. I apeased her by saying I would think about it. I should not have done it, but I was caught off guard. Anyways I said no. My reason is that I truly believe in myself and want and desire the conventional situation. That is. Date/BF-GF/Engagement/Marry. If all is well. Then its possible to bring a child into the world. I want any child I create to see their parents in a loving situation.

 

Her and I breaking up is this in a nutshell. She is more concerned bringing a bio child into this world, than connecting romantically with a partner. So for me projecting us as a couple. The raw truth. Her and I bring a bio child into this world. We are not connected and we fall apart. I need a lot of physical affection to feel connected and bond with a woman. She is not like that. Or at least a quarter of her is. The other guys that she has dated since me. I think they get that as well. So they all let her go or stopped trying with her.

 

At this point. I don't know if she and the guy she was dating are a couple or there she had Artificial insemination worked. Since March. I had seen her once with a friend when I was driving some where else and I talked to her a couple of days ago, as I had some personal info to tell her about something.

 

So I guess I will know the scoop in the fall when the baby is due. I think its a Donner situation. There are no traces of a man that is caring for her.

 

Anyways. Once again. All the men I know that are fathers is because of a marriage/Divorce. Not having a bio kid with a woman that they have no romantic ties with, and being a father like that.

 

Good for her and she has waited enough. I just feel for me. I want the loving relationship first before kids come into the picture if thats even a possibility.

[Mysterio]

At this stage of my life. I would say that I lean away from having kids. I have no facination with that at all at least 75%. So its going to take a great woman, to pump up any desire to have kids with her. I just don't think about.