tracey86 Posted June 16, 2018 Share Posted June 16, 2018 A few years ago I joined this forum deeply distressed in a struggling married and I was unfaithful. I was clueless just living in the moment of what felt good and that meant being who I was at that time. About 1 month after I had posted about my predicament I decided I would speak to my op frankly and to my husband and whatever the consequences it was my chance to start over. It so happened that my husband even after learning about the affair didn't want to get a divorce he wanted to fix the issues where possible before calling it quits. The op and I cut all ties for about 2 months then he started messaging me that he couldn't live without me even though he tried. I made the decision to not answer him, that chapter of my past was over. Things with my husband could get better if we both tried. He was trying to understand me more, he actually listened to my concerns. He admitted that the years I had complained about the horrible sex that he didn't take me serious and that the fact I was willing to move on with someone else made him realized how much he neglected me. We went to an awesome counselor who from the first meeting said he could see how much we loved each other but there was so much broken history we hadn't learnt to be together. It's been 2 years, my husband and I are happy! We live together and we just had a son, 2 months ago. We have not had subsequent issues beyond the occasional spat about chores. Overall I think a lot of what transpired was as a result of previous hurts we both inflicted on each other... lies, outside kids etc. I encourage anyone who is dealing with a situation of infidelity that there is hope! Its not an easy ride after the act and emotionally you will be broken but if you are willing to make a decision and stick to it you will be fine. This forum is a place to be open for advice but be careful not all that you will read is beneficial to you and the people judging don't always know the full picture only fragments entangled with their emotional experiences! Take it in strides and do what is best for you! A Happy ending can be whatever you want it to be... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lucasv Posted June 17, 2018 Share Posted June 17, 2018 I just read your posts and i feel really sorry for your husband! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
LifesontheUp Posted June 17, 2018 Share Posted June 17, 2018 He was trying to understand me more, he actually listened to my concerns. He admitted that the years I had complained about the horrible sex that he didn't take me serious and that the fact I was willing to move on with someone else made him realized how much he neglected me. We went to an awesome counselor who from the first meeting said he could see how much we loved each other but there was so much broken history we hadn't learnt to be together. ^^^^Its all about what he is doing for you. So what exactly are you doing for him? I wonder if he is scared you'll become the selfish person you were before and cheat on him again - you know when you start feeling he isn't being the perfect husband doing everything for you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
GoldenR Posted June 17, 2018 Share Posted June 17, 2018 So did your husband's penis grow? I ask bc that's why you cheated. Link to post Share on other sites
somanymistakes Posted June 17, 2018 Share Posted June 17, 2018 So did your husband's penis grow? I ask bc that's why you cheated. There are toys for that... Link to post Share on other sites
merrmeade Posted June 17, 2018 Share Posted June 17, 2018 (edited) I intentionally didn’t read your original thread yet, so I could respond just to what I know from this thread. In fact, don’t be disappointed at the cynical responses based on your previous thread. There are lots of things about your opening post that raise red flags to anyone who’s been betrayed and tried to reconcile The main red flag is the amount of time that’s transpired. The figure usually given for how long it takes a betrayed spouse to BEGIN healing, if everything has settled down to a new normal, is 2-1/2 to 5 years. You’re just at two. I would be surprised if your husband doesn’t still think about it A LOT and even struggle with a lot of deep pain or resentment or despair or doubt. The second reason for skepticism is that you didn’t address his healing at all. You didn’t give any details about how your husband is feeling. My very first reaction to your celebratory description was to wonder what goes through your husband’s mind these days and if you know - and I mean really know. Do you ask him now about how he feels about what happened? Does he feel free to talk to you about how he’s feeling? Do you want to know if he’s still hurting or even thinking about it? You tell us “We are happy” with the new baby. I think you’re saying that you both moved on and there’s no more residue from the affair. Does this mean you don’t need to feel bad any more? To me, it’s as if you think by making him happy with this baby you can tell yourself he’s not thinking about any more. I mean I don’t doubt your new-baby euphoria. But the fact that you didn't even mention how he’s feeling says volumes. It says you didn’t think about its relevance. It says you feel confident speaking for him. It says you don’t have enough humility and remorse about what you did to realize that your happiness and ability to move on is entirely secondary to his. It’s meaningless if he’s still struggling in any way - especially if you don’t even know. The ability to move on as a wayward spouse is actually the worst thing you could claim unless you’re that he has healed. That is the only moving on that matters. I would be very surprised if he doesn’t still think about it and have down days. And if he’s still thinking about it and you aren’t, what does that say? I’m afraid of what your answer might be. Edited June 17, 2018 by merrmeade 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Try Posted June 18, 2018 Share Posted June 18, 2018 (edited) Things with my husband could get better if we both tried. He was trying to understand me more, he actually listened to my concerns. He admitted that the years I had complained about the horrible sex that he didn't take me serious and that the fact I was willing to move on with someone else made him realized how much he neglected me.You say that things “could get better if we both tried” yet you go on to state that what you meant by that was that you would stop cheating on him with someone else, if he would take the blame for your affair by realizing “how much he neglected” you. I hear no true remorse by you for cheating on him, but instead see blame shifting and rug sweeping where your cheating had to be accepted by your husband as a viable action by you in dealing with his perceived failings. You picked your husband after you had him do the pick me monkey dance, and now declare victory in having a happy marriage. It does not work that way. For your husband, without remorse there can be no true long term reconciliation. It is not over for him, you just do not know it yet. I wish that you did not bring a child into this situation so quickly after the affair. Edited June 18, 2018 by Try 1 Link to post Share on other sites
RideTheLightening Posted June 19, 2018 Share Posted June 19, 2018 It's been 2 years, my husband and I are happy! We live together and we just had a son, 2 months ago. We have not had subsequent issues beyond the occasional spat about chores. Overall I think a lot of what transpired was as a result of previous hurts we both inflicted on each other... lies, outside kids etc. A Happy ending can be whatever you want it to be... I'm glad this worked out for you! I have to say though... that I know exactly what a happy ending means to me. Link to post Share on other sites
merrmeade Posted June 19, 2018 Share Posted June 19, 2018 I'm glad this worked out for you! I have to say though... that I know exactly what a happy ending means to me. The fact that it's only been two years and she calls it an "ending" gives me chills. Over, done, buried and everything fixed. But what does he say? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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